Rant#3: Go Bulldogs, Eagles and Plankton!

My goal was to correctly pick this year’s Final 4. How am I looking after a mere 2 weeks? Well, I picked Memphis who already lost to unranked Xavier. I picked UCLA who lost to nowhere near ranked Michigan. I picked North Carolina whose super senior has been injured twice, whose super frosh suffered a season ending broken wrist, and whose substantially sub-super coach is completely healthy.

Then there’s Notre Dame who got blown-out by those injury-riddled Tar Heels. I also expected my wife, an ND alum, to be so overwhelmed by my selection, that she’d be sent into rapturous convulsions. Yeah, “convulsions” probably isn’t the right word, but regardless, nothing remotely “rapturous” occurred.

So I came up with some new goals: (1) determine how it’s humanly possible for the security guards who sit behind the players’ benches to never ever take a glance at the action; or (2) get the list of every televised Kentucky game that will be attended by Ashley Judd.

Though either of those would greatly enhance this blog, I decided do the impossible instead- memorize the nicknames of all 343 Div I teams. That’s right, I might not have been able to predict this week’s upsets of Syracuse over Kansas or Maryland over Michigan St, but I’m now able to rattle off any nickname you want. How about Furman you ask? The Paladins I say. What’s a paladin you ask? No idea I say.

I initially included my 6-year old daughter in this process. As we were trying to commit the Western Illinois Leathernecks to memory, my wife interjected that it might be better to teach her the names of the presidents - or pretty much anything else.

I said, “Oh please. One time I was in a bar with a bunch of guys crowded around a TV. A woman walks up and asks whose playing. Someone told her it was Florida and South Carolina. She then says ‘Go Cocks!’. I’m telling you every single guy in that bar wanted to . . .” I abruptly stopped that story, turned to my daughter and said, “Let me tell you about Rutherford B. Hayes.”

This memorization required some heavy-duty mnemonic devices. Here’s how I remember Iowa State: I met a former Miss Iowa at a party. In an effort to impress her with my wit I asked, “How the potatoes doing?” She responded, “Couldn’t tell you ‘cause the potatoes are in Idaho not Iowa, you idiot.” Taking that as a conversation ender, I turned to depart and bumped into a guy holding two glasses of wine. The impact caused the beverages to fly into the air and swirl on to Miss Iowa much like a cyclone – Iowa State Cyclones.

This didn’t work for every school though. Arkansas Little Rock Trojans was particularly difficult. I couldn’t come up with anything. If only there was some word that rhymed with Rock that would make me think of Trojans.

During my memorizing, I did learn one undeniable fact (well, in addition to 343 other undeniable facts) – creativity is not required in crafting a nickname. There are 14 Bulldogs, 14 Eagles, 12 Tigers. That’s pathetic. It’s really not that hard to come up with something unique. You want a mean animal? There’s The Gnats, or The Plankton or the Grubs (vicious bastards). Medical issue? Then go with The Dysentery, or the Hemorrhage or The Menstruation (I’m told it’s a bitch). Militant? I got Varmint Cong or just simply The Republicans.

These teams with the same nicknames should really be forced to play in a tournament with the winner getting the right to use that name. The rest will be forced to pick a new one out of a hat – clearly they can’t be left to their own creative devices. “Sorry Arizona you are now the Toe Jam.”

I’ve also come across some nicknames that are amongst my new favorites like the Centenary Gentlemen, The San Francisco Dons, The Manhattan Jaspers. Yes, they are all quite wimpy which is why they’re clearly unforgettable to me. I now have a number of retorts the next time someone picks on the nickname of my alma mater, St. Bonaventure. That of course, being - the Bonnies. “Yeah, well at least we aren’t the Presbyterian Blue Hose.”

St. Bonaventure actually had a couple of other nicknames through the years. There was the Brown Indians, which they discarded in deference to the Native Americans. There was also the Brown & White, which they got rid of in deference to Charmin.

There are some schools that completely missed the obvious nickname, like the Sacred Heart Pioneers. Come on. Clearly they should have been the Sacred Heart Attack.

Additional betterments would be The Charleston Chew, The Rice Pilaf, The Chattanooga Choo Choos, The Tulsa Salsa, the Morehead Please, and The Winthrop Pork Bellies (“I knew it!” And so did Dan Akroyd.)

Finally there’s UCLA. It’s time they change their nickname to represent the greatest movie ever set in Los Angeles - Swingers. I, therefore, give you the UCLA Money. Although maybe they already are and they don’t even know it.

So now it’s Thanksgiving night I’m proudly spouting the nicknames of every team on the ESPN ticker. My wife walks in and says, “You want to play school?” I never before thought it was possible to flip over in a recliner. Apparently after 8 years of marriage an unexpected sexual innuendo will have some powerful results.

Unfortunately there appeared to be evidence that my wife was being literal. She had my list of nicknames and wanted to test me. I asked if we could pretend this was taking place at Morehead State.

She starts with Tennessee-Martin. Let’s see - Martin reminds me of Steve Martin who was in the Three Amigos with Chevy Chase who envisioned himself a Los Angles Laker in Fletch whose teammate was Kareem who perfected the Sky-hook. Alas – we have the Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks. Going to have to try harder wifey-pooh.

She says “Okay, how about Bryant?”
“What? They aren’t on the list.”
“You told me months ago they’re now Div 1. Nickname of Bryant, please.”

“It should be the Bryant Tyrants, but I’m sure it’s not. Odds are it’s either the Eagles or Bulldogs. I’m going with the Eagles.”

“Nope, the Bulldogs. Too bad. If you got it right we’d be at Morehead State right now.”

My reaction led my wife to give me a new nickname – the rapture-less convulsion.


Thanks to JohnnyC for convincing me to go with the Arizona Toe Jam instead of the Arizona Dry Heat. Also, a thanks in advance to Krotz who will undoubtedly post a relevant link under "comments" that will likely be funnier that this blog.

STARTING NEXT WEEK: Monday-Rants, Wednesday-Rankings & Friday-Picks for weekend games

Take it easy,
Dave