Rant#7:Half Time’s Waste Of Time

At half time of Saturday’s game, ESPN’s commentators provided analysis of plays that I just saw, replays of action that I just saw, and statistics of the first half that I just saw. That led me to ponder: “Didn’t I just see this?” And, “Does ESPN, the network that I love more than life itself, think I’m an idiot?” The commentators did not respond.

It then hit me that ESPN’s play-by-play guys had already provided similar detailed analysis during the game. How much comprehension assistance do they believe I need? What’s next, a made basket will be accompanied by a remedial math lesson – “Imagine if you have 25 apples and you add 2 more apples . . .” I have now reached the undeniable conclusion, ESPN is convinced that I’m a moron.

I guess I should be happy that ESPN is only giving me half time analysis of the games. And not of my life. I can easily picture Jay Bilas saying something like this:

“Dave’s first half was going well until he took out a monstrous loan for, no not a house, a law degree. A strikingly odd decision for a guy who hates to argue. Apparently he intended to create a niche as ‘the non-confrontational attorney.’ Dave then concocted the questionable financial strategy of representing only poor people. Hard to make money off a clientele that can’t make rent.

"He now has a blog and has grossed a whopping $42 in one month. At that rate he’ll easily be able to pay off his law school loan in 200 years. Except, Dave has also promised to give all his blogging profits to the pot of his NCAA tourney pool. Even harder to make money when you give away all of your earnings. Yes, there is a possibility that Dave is getting dumber as he gets older. But I see a chance for a second half turn around. Dave’s game plan should be to incorporate himself and then – sell all of his stock short.”

Screw you, Bilas.

A half-time analysis might actually have been helpful back when I’d go to Sunday mass with my mom. About halfway through the priest’s sermon she would quiz me to see if I was paying attention. If only the ESPN guys could have been there for a little re-cap. That would have prevented what will surely be a conundrum for St. Peter’s decision whether to allow me into heaven – weekly attendance at church coupled with a weekly lie to my mother in church.

Any way, there are a plethora of things that could replace the wholly unnecessary analysis at half time of college basketball games.

1.Donkey Basketball – If you’ve never heard of donkey basketball then you didn’t grow up in a semi-podunk town like Vestal, NY as I did. No, it’s not a bunch of donkeys playing basketball. That would actually be less stupid. It’s a bunch of people trying to play basketball while riding donkeys. You got to wonder how this game was created. I think there was a kind of Reeses Peanut Butter Cup moment. One guy’s donkey does some dodo on another guy’s basketball – “Hey you got donkey on my basketball. You got basketball on my donkey.”

2.Show more of the cheerleaders – Cheerleaders clearly deserve more air-time than the passing glances they receive. If you go to the Louvre, and you’re only able to see glimpses of the Mona Lisa every 20 minutes or so, that would be quite disappointing. As a married guy whose wife monitors his Internet surfing, the hope of seeing a cheerleader close up is, well, all I’ve got. At least a few minutes of half time should be dedicated to these bouncing beauties. (My wife will attest to the fact that that’s all the time I need.)

3.Show other games - Wouldn’t you much rather watch part of another game than the forced and phony banter between Digger Phelps and Bobby Knight? Heck, I’d almost rather let my wife turn on Desperate Housewives than watch those two geriatrics pretend to bitch at each other. At least the women on Wysteria Lane are good looking.

4. Half Court Shots for $ - Hard to beat the excitement of pulling a fan out of the stands and letting him shoot from half court for a few grand. For me it’s a win-win. Fan makes it, everyone cheers. Fan misses and I feel joy knowing that there’s one person who may now have lower self-esteem than me.

5.Show Swingers. Each half time is about 20-30 minutes long. If ESPN had a triple-header it could show the entirety of my favorite movie, Swingers, during half time. That would be money and they know it.

Yeah, I realize that the real purpose of half time is to show more commercials. It would be nice if they showed the good ones more often though – like the Hooters ads. Because, really, there is no such thing as a bad Hooters ad. I’m pretty sure they’ve been showing that ad promoting their 25th anniversary for about 2 years now. I will admit I’m engrossed every single time. Maybe ESPN is right – I am a moron.

Take it easy,
Dave

A thanks goes to the entire Hoover family for critiquing this post while en route to Ohio. I will also thank Pat Hurley for informing me that I had grammar errors even though he opted to let me find them on my own. A bigger thanks to John Cusanno for actually noting that geriatric has only 1 “r”. Finally, I should thank Thom Devlin for his assessment of my life and his adamant agreement that I should sell stock in myself short.

Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 3)

My Christmas present to you: a new set of college basketball rankings and irrelevant comments as well as the submissions for this week’s overrated and underrated teams - all below

My Christmas present from John Berardi: a favorable endorsement about this site on a couple SU message boards. Thanks John. If you by chance have a hankering for some pizza check out John’s blog – LosAngelesPizza.blogspot.com. It might be best though if that hankering occurred when you’re in LA.


RANKINGS
1.North Carolina (11-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment:
You just can’t do better than a Tar Heels game when Bill Raftery is the commentator. I may be watching too much of Raftery though. Yesterday my 2 year-old daughter made a basket and yelled “Onions!” Looks like I need to teach her a little hubris and anatomy.

2.UConn (10-0)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin and at Gonzaga

My Irrelevant Comment: A buddy of mine was wearing a UCONN sweatshirt when a gorgeous woman came up and said, “Where’s Conn?” He condescendingly said, “It’s short for Connecticut.” She then sulked away. A different reply might have been a tad more appropriate. This woman was good-looking, clearly stupid, and seemingly had low self-esteem. Yeah, the better response would have been “Will you marry me?”

3.Oklahoma (10-0)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah

My Irrelevant Comment:
I hear that opposing crowds are calling Oklahoma senior Taylor Griffen, Tito - in reference to the fact Taylor, much like Tito Jackson, is highly overshadowed by his younger brother (Blake). I think Taylor should just be happy that they aren’t calling him Latoya.

4.Pitt (12-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech, Washington St., & Florida State

My Irrelevant Comment: About 10 years ago PITT decided to stop referring to itself as PITT and went with the full “Pittsburgh” instead. The university has since switched back apparently learning that it’s a bad marketing to emphasize that it’s located in Pittsburgh.

5. Duke (10-1)
Best Wins: S.Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue, Xavier
Worst Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment: Is it me or is almost every guy on Duke over six foot, with blonde hair, and blue eyes? They go by Blue Devils, but a different name comes to mind.

6.Wake Forest (10-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP

My Irrelevant Comment: When Wake Forest moved from Wake Forest, North Carolina to Winston-Salem the school kept the name Wake Forest. I think I figured out why. While “Wake Forest” doesn’t necessarily scream basketball, “Winston-Salem” definitely screams Big Tobacco.

7.Gerogetown (9-1)
Best Wins: Maryland & Memphis
Worst loss - Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment: This week the Hoyas beat Mount St. Mary’s – a school that distinguished itself from St. Mary’s by adding the “Mount”. But now the name seems to suggest that prudish girls named Mary should be, well, mounted.

8.Ohio State (8-0)
Best Wins – ND, at Miami and Butler

My Irrelevant Comment:Ohio State may be so good that I actually contemplated getting the Big Ten Network. Then I though about what it would be like when my wife found out –
Wife: “Why is the cable bill $10 more? Tell me you did not order one of those adult movies!”
Dave: “I ordered the Big Ten Network”
Wife: “The what? You told me you’d never watch porn.”
Dave; “Wait a minute. I never said never.”
Wife: “I knew it! You’re addicted to pornography.
Dave; “It’s the Big Ten Network, I swear,
Wife: “You think I’m stupid? There’s no Big Ten Network. You have a problem.”

9. Texas (8-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova, Wisconsin
Worst loss: Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment:
Before every free throw AJ Abrams puts his hand on his heart. I’m not sure why? I do know that before everyone of my free throws my coach used to put his hand on his heart. If you ever saw me shoot you’d know exactly why.

10.Xavier (10-2)
Best Wins: Memphis, Virginia Tech & at Cincinnati
Losses – Duke & Butler

My Irrelevant Comment: After getting crushed by Duke’s big man, it’s clear that Xavier’s 7 footer Kenny Frease needs to go back to basics. No not rebounding and post play. Real basics like – standing erect. He looks like his auditioning for the lead in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. He's truly the only seven footer who plays like he’s five foot, four.


Most Overrated

Gonzaga – Third week in a row that I was going to pick Louisville (2 losses yet still ranked #19) but another team has been amazingly more disappointing. I was all set to write about how the TV coverage of the Gonzaga-UConn was horrible. I was all set to say that what I meant was that the cameras would inexplicably only give me glimpses of the stunningly attractive female photographer on the baseline. Yeah, I was all set to say that until they lost that game - and then lost to Portland State. So I can’t say any of that.

Other Opinions

Harold Barend: Syracuse – “Syracuse still has not impressed me. Their last win against Coppin State (which has a losing record) was a clinic in basketball "do not" fundamentals. Except for Andy Rautins who kept Syracuse in the game with a record setting barrage of three-pointers, the team didn't show me zip. They were slow getting back on defense and they turned the ball over and over and over. Teams such as Texas that play solid defense and rebound will have Jimmy B crying. It should be interesting to see what kind of moral impact the 40 hours of community work has on the tattoo laden Devendorf.


Most Underrated

Utah State – They are 9-1 one with the only blemish a close loss to BYU. They just beat their rival, the Utah Utes. Every time I hear the Utes I can’t help but think of Fred Gwynne’s question to Joe Pesci in “My Cousin Vinny” – “The two Utes?”

Other Opinions

Mark Hoover : Michigan: “One letter M”: [To clarify, Mark emailed me Michigan’s big blue “M” logo hoping that I’d be able to put it up on this site. I haven’t been able to figure out how to do that for photos Erin Andrews, Bonnie Bernstein, and Jim Boeheim’s wife. Can’t see me mastering that task for an mere M.]

Harold Barend: Duke & Stanford - I think two of the underrated teams are Duke and Stanford. Both teams can shoot the three, which inspires me to watch the game and both teams have a high mental capacity. I pick both to be in the final four--depending on the bracketing. Duke is one of the deepest and most balanced teams in college basketball. I give Duke the edge when they play North Carolina at Duke. [This marks the first time in history that anyone has claimed that Duke is underrated.]

Jim Collins: Boston College – “1/4/09- BC stuns North Carolina in Chapel Hill taking the sting out of the Pats missing the playoffs because of Miami and Baltimore both winning.”

Kenny Robbins: Syracuse – “The 'Cuse only lost by a 67 yard field goal, errrr I mean a lucky 3 pt basket at the end of regulation. Then they regain composure and go into Memphis to beat a decent team On The Road. Great road win there so "Not So Fast" on your uhhh Ken the 'Cuse lost to Clev St. The 'Cuse is Back!!”

Kenny Robbins Part II : The Big Ten: “Also Back is the Big Ten people...it might be negative one outside with a negative 22 wind chill but c'mon people this is Bear Country. Go Bears!!! As for the Big Ten, look we got Michigan State taking down TX on the road. We got Purdue taking down much heralded Davidson in a super big way. And please don't forget weve got Tubby Smith & Minnesota. Minnesotaaaah, with a nice big win over Louisville to improve to 10 - 0. Not to mention Ohio St. beating Dave's fav Irish back on 12/6. I'm not asking for much ink here just some warm up band music for the cold Big Ten land! [Not asking for much ink?]

Take it easy & Merry Christmas,
Dave

(If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just email me by Wednesday at DaveBarend@yahoo.com and it’ll be posted on Thursday.)

Rant#6: Whose 3-Point Line Is It Anyway?

The NCAA had two ready-made options when it decided to change the 3-point line: the NBA 3-point line or the international line. My choice was the NBA line because it had the added benefit of no longer having to hear announcers say, “Wow that shot was from NBA range.”

They instead decided to create a brand new line. That’s kind of like needing some butter and despite having 3 tubs in your fridge, you choose the wholly nonsensical option of pretending you’re Amish and making your own. (After about 16 hours of churning you can name it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Yet”.)

As for the old 3-point line, my views are mixed. Growing up we had a 3-point line on my driveway. My friends and I would take running leaps from behind the arc in hopes of making a finger roll 3-pointer. I miraculously made it once. Immediately I thought of George Gervin’s Nike ad and proclaimed myself the Ice Man. ‘Cause “If there’s one thing I could do it was finger roll.” My friends opted to call me Putz.

Then there was the time that my dad left his Chrysler Cordoba “T-top” convertible parked in the driveway. But we still wanted to attempt our 3-point finger rolls. What to do? Idea: leap over the Cordoba with the assistance of – a ladder. Sadly, nobody said “bad idea.”

I climbed up and put myself in Michael Jordan stance: One leg extended out with the ball in the hand of an outreached arm. Yeah, just like MJ. As I attempted to push off from the top step with my other foot, I looked down and thought that it might have been nice if one of my friends was holding this ladder. See, I didn’t really push off as much as I pushed away – the ladder that is. So instead of commencing my flight, I simply plummeted - right toward the “T-top”. I then began to rue the decision to attempt this maneuver in Jordan’s open legs style.

Lucky for the Cordoba, I was a mere 90 pounds. Lucky for me, I wouldn’t need to use my testicles for the next decade.

The crash also resulted in a laceration to my leg. Somehow there were no bloodstains. Apparently fine Corinthian leather is quite absorbent. Wonder if Ricardo Montalban knows that?

The new 3-point line was, however, created by men even more stupid than me. They actually implemented it without consent from women’s basketball. Why was that such a stupid mistake, you single guys ask? Because as every married guy would agree, you never ever make a major decision without consulting the woman of the house. “But that doesn’t make sense.” Ahh, and there you have the essence of woman – senselessness. Men are stupid. Women are irrational. Put them together and what have you got? Two damn 3-point lines on the same basketball court.

This has caused great confusion. Especially to the geniuses calling the games on TV. “Abrams hits a 3 to tie it up!!! Wait, which line is it? We’re going to have to check with the replay – again.” Maybe it’s my superior intellect, but I’m actually capable of remembering that the line further away is the men’s.

To me the real problem is the agitation I feel when I see the two lines. Allow me to explain. When a football fan goes to watch a game and sees the field covered with lines from the previous night’s soccer match, he experiences a near uncontrollable urge to go on a soccer ball puncturing rampage. That’s exactly what happens to college basketball fans when they are unnecessarily annoyed by the high definition vision of a women’s 3-point line on a TV purchased solely to watch men’s hoop.

Yes ladies, it really all goes back to the whole “men are stupid” thing. Here are a few suggestions as to how to fix this situation.

1.Move The Women’s 3-Point line to the New Men’s Line. Listen women. I know you want your own game. But you have your own shot clock, your own ball and now your own 3-point line. How many changes can be made to a game and you’re still able to call it the same game? I don’t claim my two-year old is playing chess when she chews on a rook and shoves a pawn up her nose.

2.Convince The Men To Go Back To The Old 3-Point Line. Since we’re dealing with walking hormones like Larry Eustachy, Jim Boeheim and Rick Majerus, I’d say this could be accomplished by taping your feminine wiles. But I kind of get the feeling that flirting with men is not the forte of women hoopsters.

So I suggest you just allege a Title IX violation. How could anyone be convinced that having different 3-point lines is unfair to women? I’d say use the same tactic you used to convince people that giving more athletic scholarships to men is unfair. That was truly an impressive piece of persuasion. In comparison, this can’t be any harder than, say, convincing a guy to look at porn.

3.Use Removable Tape for The Women’s 3-point Line. And then, most importantly, take it off. Yeah I realize it might not look good, but does that really matter ‘cause, well, to be brutally honest – nobody’s watching anyway. I mean, come on, the only people tuning into women’s basketball are relatives of players, friends of players, and a bunch of drunken guys trying to figure out why Tyler Hansbrough has boobs.

Whatever solution you come up with ladies, the point to remember is that women’s basketball, like soccer, is something that men almost never think about. But when we do, we find it wholly annoying. Your goal, therefore, is to keep us from thinking – not too hard of a task because, as I’ve mentioned, we are the stupid gender.

Take it easy,
Dave

(New rankings to be posted on Christmas Day. If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week please email by Christmas Eve at DaveBarend@yahoo.com.)

Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 2)

Below is my second round of weekly rankings and irrelevant comments as well as the most overrated and underrated teams of the week.

Rankings
1.North Carolina (9-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment:
Tyler Hansbrough is considered to be the hardest working player in college hoops. Similarly, I just got an email saying that I’m the hardest working blogger in college hoops. Oh wait, I’m a bit off on that. The email said that my blogs are the “hardest to find the time to read.” Thanks Mom.

2.Oklahoma (10-0)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah

My Irrelevant Comment:
Are you like me in that whenever your see the word Oklahoma, the Broadway show tune starts running through your head? And are you also like me in that you really don’t know the lyrics to Oklahoma. And the only thing running through your head is “Ok-lahoma” over and over and over? Then you, like me, have problems.

3.Pitt (11-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech, Washington St., & Belmont

My Irrelevant Comment: There’s a guard on Pitt named Brad Wannamaker. Yikes. Had to be a tough childhood. You got to know he was picked on with a name like Brad.

4.Xavier (9-0)
Best Wins: Memphis, Virginia Tech & at Cincinnati

My Irrelevant Comment: There’s a push to change the nickname to the X-men. No doubt that you can’t get more boring than their current moniker – the musketeers. But do they really want their target market to be the folks who frequent comic book conventions? If it means that the stands will be filled with people dressed like Halle Berry’s Storm character then I think so.

5.UConn (8-0)
Best Wins: Miami and at Wisconsin

My Irrelevant Comment: I’m hoping that UConn someday signs a kid named Cornelius. Then they can call him UConn Cornelius. Then if he knocks over some huge guy during a game he’d yell, “A humble bumble.” I dare to dream. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you clearly do not have a 6-year old who has forced you to watch Rudolph 10 times this week.)

6. Texas (8-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova
Worst loss: Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment: Texas almost lost to Texas State. I really thought Texas State was the name of the fictional school in Necessary Roughness – the movie that launched Kathy Ireland’s movie career. Necessary Roughness was also the movie that ended Kathy Ireland’s movie career.

7.Duke (8-1)
Best Wins: S.Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue
Worst Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment: Did you know that Duke used to be called Trinity? Someone must have noticed the contradiction with the Trinity Blue Devils.

8.Gonzaga (7-1)
Best Wins: Maryland and Tennessee
Worst Loss: at Arizona

My Irrelevant Comment: I root against Gonzaga. You say, “What? Everyone loves Gonzaga.” What better reason to root against them?

9.Wake Forest (9-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP

My Irrelevant Comment: Wake Forest makes me think of those trees in the Forest in the Wizard of Oz. You know , the ones who grabbed Tin Man and then Dorothy screamed “You let him go” and then . . . Dear Lord, somebody please stop me. I’ve now referenced a Broadway show tune and the Wizard of Oz. Excuse me while I go watch a few Die Hard flicks and try to reconfirm my masculinity.

10.Gerogetown (7-1)
Best Wins: Maryland & Memphis
Worst loss - Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment: Though their nickname is the Hoyas, Georgetown has used bulldogs as its mascot. Given that the school is located in DC, a city filled with politicians, the “bull” part makes sense. For complete accuracy they should change the “dogs” to another four-letter word.


MOST OVERRATED

Syracuse
On Monday they were 9-0 and ranked #11 by the Coaches. I was all set to write a mea culpa for my prior posts that slightly bashed Boeheim – then they lose at home to the mighty Vikings of Cleveland State. Thanks Jimbo, for re-establishing my faith in your inabilities.
Other Opinions

Pat Hurley: Duke
The most overrated team is Duke (#6 in both polls) because they lost to Michigan, who lost to Maryland, who lost to Georgetown, who lost to Tennessee, who lost to Temple, who lost to St. Bonaventure (on January16, 2002).

Kenneth Robbins: Tennessee
Tennessee clearly not as good as their ranking

Harold Barend: Tennessee is overated. No synergism. I see a lot of good athletes who can run like hell .

MOST UNDERRATED

Stanford
They are 6-0 and yet not one vote from the Coaches or AP. They have wins over, well, a half dozen nobodies. But Louisville (#9 in the both polls) has six wins over a bunch of nobodies and a loss at home to the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers. I guess Johnny Dawkins, the new coach of the Cardinal, did not bring the East Coast bias or the media’s love of Duke with him to California.

Honorable Mention:

St. Bonaventure
That’s right I’m giving a plug to my beloved Bonnies who beat Maryland this week. No not the Terrapins, the Hawks of Maryland-Eastern Shore. You got to wonder whether the “Eastern” part of that name is really necessary. I’m pretty sure there is no shore to the west of Maryland.

Other Opinions

Pat Hurley: Clemson
Clemson (#25 in AP and Coaches' Polls) is the most underrated team because (1) they're 10-0; (2) their CBSSports.com RPI ranking is #1; (3) they have road wins at Temple and Illinois; and (4) they have crushed the foot soldiers of the Lord on no fewer than three occasions, conquering the TCU Horned Frogs, the Presbyterian Blue Hose(?!?), and
the Liberty Flames. Bring on Yeshiva, biatch!

Kenneth Robbins: Syracuse
How about the 'Cuse! C'mon now they are much better than their ranking. Where are the votes for the Orange?!? [Uh, Ken, they lost to Cleveland State.]

Keith Mangas: Unknown
My only non-St. Bonaventure source of college hoop knowledge is from this site. It is, therefore, Dave’s fault that I have nothing to add this week.

Mark Hoover: Alaska-Anchorage
It’s gotta be the Seawolves of University of Alaska-Anchorage. They have been playing some pretty tough hockey recently, including a win at Colorado. Killer travel, but good frequent flyer miles. [I’m thinking that Mark missed the “hoop” part of DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com]

Harold Barend: Cleveland State & Buffalo
Cleveland State and the University of Buffalo are no longer easy pickings. Their coaches have been scouting the places where few coaches dare to go and they found a few hot tickets. Ask Coach "B" at Syracuse if he thinks Cleveland State is a cupcake. [Full disclosure – Harold Barend, aka my dad, played for the Univ of Buffalo back in the day. Way back in the day.]

Take it easy,
Dave

(If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just email me by Wednesday and it’ll be posted on Thursday.)

Rant#5 Death To Foul Shots

I hate foul shots and I am advocating for their removal. There is, however, a bit of irony to my anti-foul shot stance. Two of my non-miserable childhood memories involve foul shots.

The first was when my dad/coach was getting on my junior high team for not being able to, in his words, “make a single damn foul shot.” One of my teammates said, “Let’s see you make one, Coach.” Got to say I was prepping to be embarrassed. But Pops steps to the line and sinks 19 in a row – with his eyes closed. That simultaneously impressed the whole squad and sapped our last bit of self-esteem. When an old man drains ‘em without looking and your Rick Berry attempts don’t even hit the rim, that’s depressing.

Then there’s the big shots I made on my JV CYO team. JV CYO? Yes, there actually was a JV CYO team. I played for Our Lady Of Sorrows Church. A perfect name for our 2-12 team. I remember clearly because it’s where my basketball career pinnacled.

It’s the last game of the year and I’m in only because everyone on the bench has fouled out – including the kid with mono. I get fouled with no time left and go to the line for 2. The first shot rattles in and the cheerleaders go nuts. Cheerleaders? Yes, we really had cheerleaders for the JV CYO team. They start chanting “Dave, Dave, He’s our man. If he can’t do it no one can.” I swear I actually thought to myself “Wow. Am I really their man?” Pathetic, but true. It’s amazing that I made the second one. Then I got mobbed.

I should probably reveal that we lost by 15. Hey, it would have been 17 had it not been for my heroics. The question you might be asking is, “Why the jubilation for 2 meaningless free throws?” Well, I was kind of the team’s Rudy. Actually, I was more like that autistic kid from Rochester whose coach let him play in the last game and he drained six threes in 2.5 minutes. Just like him except he was playing varsity high school and I was playing JV CYO. And he hit 3 pointers and I sunk a couple free throws. And he was autistic and I was, well, just awful.

Despite my moment in the thin ray of sun, I still hate foul shots. First, it’s a part of the game that isn’t part of the game. Huh? Well, there’s no defense. (A fact that proved completely unhelpful to last year’s Memphis team.) At no point in the actual game of basketball does one guy get to shoot while everyone else stands motionless as if they were touched by Mr. Snow Miser – 'cause everything he’d touch would freeze in his clutch. (Too much?)

This weekend I was watching a game and my little girl asks, “Why is everyone playing freeze dance?” I say, “It’s a foul shot; what the hell is freeze dance?” My wife hits me and says, “Think before you speak.” My daughter then adds, “Yeah Dad, everyone knows freeze dance is when you freeze when the music stops. What the hell is a foul shot?” So because of foul shots my 6 year old now knows how to swear. And I got hit – twice.

The foul shot also reminds me of a strategy that my dad used to use when we’d play in the driveway. It was called: “I’ll give you that shot.” Instead of continuing to play defense, he’d back off and let me have an uncontested shot from wherever I was standing. At first I thought that was nice. Then it dawned on me that, “I’ll give you that shot” really means: “I know you stink. In fact you stink so bad that I don’t even need to guard you.”

Now, I’ll concede that late game foul shots are definitely dramatic. However, even a mundane act like flipping a coin can be dramatic given the right circumstances. When my wife announces: “Heads – oh all right, if you make it quick. Tails – I have a headache” that’s definitely dramatic. Especially since the next flip isn’t coming for another month. But it’s the build up (eh hem) that makes it exciting. The act itself is, like a foul shot, pretty boring. (Just to be clear by “act” I’m referring to the coin flip.)

So I’ve come up with options for the NCAA to consider as much more exciting and less time consuming replacements for the foul shot.

Option #1: Instead of foul shots, roll out one of those Pop-A-Shot arcade games with the mini basketballs. I’d prefer one that plays “Rock N Roll Part II” by Gary Glitter, but “H-E-Y!!” that’s not imperative. What’s important is that teams trailing will think twice before intentionally fouling - and watching their 2 point deficit balloon to 25 in a half a minute.

Option 2: I don’t know where I came up with this idea, but maybe instead foul shots, just have the player who commits the fouls leave the game for a period of time. He could be forced to sit in some designated area. Hey, I’m just spit balling here. Then the other team would be playing 5 against 4 and name it something like a “power play”. Call me crazy, but I envision some excitement.

Would never work you say? Too much of an advantage? Okay, so instead of having to play a man down, the team that fouls can pull a guy off the bench. And I suggest it be the guy in the mascot costume. Admit it, the entertainment value of seeing a 7 footer clank two free throws will pale in comparison to seeing that ridiculous Syracuse Orange cruise up and down the court for 30 seconds. Or imagine trying to get the St. Joe’s Hawk, with his perpetually flapping wings, to catch a pass. Better yet, imagine the Western Kentucky Hilltopper - that red amorphous gum drop looking thing with no arms - trying to dribble.

Or forget the mascots. If there’s a foul, the replacement should come from the group of people sitting on the baseline. No, not the photographers. I’m talking about the cheerleaders. Yes, I’m all for increasing cheerleader participation. I think it harkens back to my JV CYO experience. Glory days.

Take it easy,
Dave

(Next set of "Rankings & Irrelevant Comments" coming Thursday. If you want to contribute with your choice for the most overrated or underrated team of the week just email me at DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Wednesday night.)

Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 1)

Here’s my first crack at ranking the Top 10 teams with a listing of the best wins, worst losses and my irrelevant comments. There’s also some overrated and underrated teams listed below.

TOP 10
1.North Carolina (8-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment:
Note to my dad: the player’s name is Hansbrough. The toy company’s name is Hasbro.

2.Oklahoma (8-0)
Best Wins: Purdue and Davidson

My Irrelevant Comment:
Oklahoma could pull off the seemingly impossible by winning the football championship and the basketball championship. A feat that hasn’t been accomplished in wow it’s got to be – 2 years.

3.Gonzaga (6-0)
Best Wins: Maryland and Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment:
If Coach Mark Few is ever incapacitated, the Zags could always use Fish from Ally McBeal a double. He’s a dead ringer. Yes, I realize that I have both dated myself and implicated my masculinity by admitting that I’ve watched Ally McBeal.

4.Xavier (7-0)
Best Wins: Memphis and Virginia Tech

My Irrelevant Comment: It’s pronounced “Zavier” not “Ex-avier.” Other hoop blogs give you insightful stats. Here you get enunciation tips. Sad but true.

5.Pitt (9-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech & Belmont

My Irrelevant Comment: How can Texas Tech and Belmont qualify as ”best wins”? When the other wins were against powerhouses such as Akron and IUPUI, that’s how.

6.UConn
Best Wins: Miami and at Wisconsin

My Irrelevant Comment: The AP and Coaches Polls both have the Huskies #2. Come on. They almost lost to Buffalo. Bet you didn’t even know Buffalo had a team. They’re the Buffalo Bulls - mimicing the alliteration of that other stellar team from the same city, the Buffalo Bills.

7. Wake Forest (8-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP

My Irrelevant Comment: You got to believe the folks at Wake Forest are happy that they chose Demon Deacons as the nickname way back when. Their other option was the Predatory Priests.

8.Texas (7-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova
Worst loss: Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment: The Texas band, with their frilly fringe filled cowboy shirts and wussy white hats, just might have been the inspiration for Brokeback Mountain.

9.Duke (8-1)
Best Wins: Southern Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue
Worst Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment: I used to hate Duke. Then everybody started hating Duke. Torn between my desire to hate and my desire for originality I went with originality. So now I don’t hate Duke. But I’m worried that everyone will soon hate Notre Dame.

10.Tennessee (6-1)
Best Win: Georgetown
Worst Loss: Gonzaga

My Irrelevant Comment: Coach Bruce Pearl is in relatively decent shape, has a full head of hair and is always happy. Thank God he sweats like a pig otherwise you wouldn’t know he’s a coach.

MOST OVERRATED TEAM

UCLA- Yes, this is the same team that I picked to win it all. They are currently ranked #14 by the Coaches and that’s really too high for a team that has lost to Texas and Michigan. I picked them based on potential. Sadly, potential is a euphemism. It’s just a nice way of saying you ain’t as good as you should be.

Other Opinions
Pat Hurley: Notre Dame: “because (1) they suck ass and always will, and (2) they scheduled an opponent called ‘South Carolina Upstate.’"

Ken Robbins: Not Davidson: “Well I was going to say that Davidson is over-rated but clearly that kid can shoot the round ball all damn day......WVU just couldn't cover the lil'guy!”

MOST UNDERRATED TEAM

Cincinnati (6-1). This team has wins over UAB and UNLV and a tough loss to a decent Florida State squad yet they didn’t get one vote from the AP or the Coaches. Their 7’2” frosh, Johnny Riek goes by Dr. Fever. Oh, all right, no he doesn’t. But how could I mention Cincinnati without a WKRP reference?

Other opinions
Pat Hurley: North Carolina: “UNC is most underrated because, even though they're #1 in both polls unanimously, the votes weren't as enthusiastic as they should have been.”

Ken Robbins: George Mason: “George Mason is # 1 in the Colonial Athletic division with a big game coming up vs. Tulane.” [Ken is a Mason grad who was in a museum in Chicago when his alma mater beat UConn to get to the Final 4.]

Keith Mangas: St. Bonaventure: “Clearly, my Brown and White should get some type of mention. Andrew Nicholson, true frosh, already a 3 x A-10 rookie of the week.”

Mark Hoover: One word – wolverines [Unclear whether Mark is referring to Michigan or quoting the cult classic Red Dawn.]

Thanks for the input guys. If by chance anyone else wants to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just send an email to DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Tuesday night and it’ll be up on Wednesday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant #4: In Defense Of Sideline Reporters

The consensus on female sideline reporters is that they don’t say much and what they do say is stupid. I agree. Listening to sideline reporters is a waste. But it’s well worth the effort to watch them.

Say you’ve rented, well, we’ll just call it a “movie”. First scene has five gorgeous women pool-side. They suddenly become enthralled with the pizza boy. If your reaction is to ask “Why?” you’re missing the point of the “movie.” The same is true with watching a sideline reporter.

Her entertainment value, however, goes well beyond the “soft porn” effect. I mean you have to love it when the camera shows her running to the locker room. With the “click clack, click clack” of 3 inch pumps, she clearly deserves an endorsement from Under Armour. Though if I’m going to see Erin Andrews in a commercial the item I’d like her to model is definitely not shoes.

I also get a kick out of the mid-game interview with a player’s dad. Every time the sideline reporter asks, “How do you think your son’s doing tonight?” And every time I’m just hoping to hear, “Well Erin, I really couldn’t tell you ‘cause the last 5 minutes I’ve been staring at your boobs.”

But the best part of the sideline reporter experience is the attempted interview with the coach whose team is behind by 30 at the half. The composure this coach is forced to display is Gandhi-like. He must try to answer the interviewer’s asinine questions while somehow keeping himself from checking out her ass.

Thinking back to stressful events in my life I’m pretty sure that a question posed by a sideline reporter at the half-way point would probably have caused me, and some other people, to go over the edge. Here are a few actual scenarios with the person being interviewed and the corresponding question:

Scenario #1. Me during my first driving test.
Question: Do you really think it will be necessary to continue with the second half of this test?

Scenario #2 My mother-in-law at my wedding.
Question: 30 minutes to go. Any chance you’ll look at the groom without shaking your head?

Scenario #3 Me during the bar exam.
Question: On day one you literally lost clumps of hair and your nose bled uncontrollably. Any chance for spontaneous combustion on day 2?

Scenario#4 My wife during the birth of our first child.
Question: Do you think your husband will be back from the bathroom before the delivery?

Scenario #5. Me on my 40th birthday.
Question: Do you realize that you are likely only half-way to the sweet release of death?

Occasionally a sideline reporter will actually pose a seemingly intelligent question like “Should you stay with the 2-3 or go with a box and 1?” These questions must make the coach want to remove the reporter’s ear-piece and say, “Now ask me something without the help of the dorks in the studio.”

Maybe the network execs thought that the coaches would actually enjoy dealing with stone cold babes. I’m sure they did at first. But after a while Bonnie Bernstein simply serves as a depressing reminder to the coach - the woman he’s forced to share his bed with is a comparative wildebeest.

Next time Ms. Bernstein is thrusting at some coach, try to look through the haze of smoke coming from his nose and inside a faint thought bubble you’ll see: “I cannot believe this person and my wife are both able to call themselves women. This girl’s rear end is so small I could palm it. My wife looks like she has a beanbag chair attached to her legs. I got to pull a Boeheim and get me a hotty.”

I think I’ve found a way to actually better the sideline reporter’s interview with the coach – use more than one sideline reporter. I mean a lot more. Like 15-20 more. Imagine all of these women rushing a coach at the half armed with aneurysm causing questions like, “What high school do you think you’ll be coaching at next year?”

I also picture Helen Thomas showing up shouting, “And I have a follow up question.” Yeah, I realize that Helen Thomas might actually stand out a bit and not just because she’ll be clad in her signature red. But that’s not the big problem. The big problem is I’m not sure if Helen Thomas is still alive.

Here’s an even better idea. Instead of hiring sideline reporters, just use the aspiring trophy wives who are already on the sideline. That’s right – make the cheerleaders the sideline reporters. At the half they could accost the opposing coach en masse with their own version of U.G.LY by Daphne & Celeste. It’s pretty sad that I actually know who sings that song. I also know it’s on the Bring it On Soundtrack. I’m pathetic.

Ugly-(improved by lyricist Dave Barend)

U-G-L-Y
You ain’t got no alibi you ugly
Eh! Hey! You Ugly.

You look at your feet instead of callin’ a play
Do you really think you’ll last another day?

You have no clue all you’re doing is screaming.
You’re soaked in sweat and your bald head’s gleaming

You’re senile, half-deaf and your life’s a mess
When the horn went off why’d you say God bless?

You’re short, fat and your tie’s askew
Danny DeVito could double for you

The give and go the pick and roll
Things generally mastered by a 9 year old

Ref says sit down and you show no spine
You split your pants running down the line

Your socks don’t match and there’s a pimple on your head.
Shouldn’t you be selling insurance instead?

You’re Ugly!

I've got to give a thanks to Keith Mangas for posting some complimentary comments about my blog on the St. Bona Bandwagon message board. A thanks also goes to James Healy and Sean Meskill who plugged the blog via James' massive St. Bona email chain. Go Bonnies!!

Take it easy,
Dave

Coming Wednesday: My first set of weekly rankings. Friday: Predictions for Saturday's games.

Rant#3: Go Bulldogs, Eagles and Plankton!

My goal was to correctly pick this year’s Final 4. How am I looking after a mere 2 weeks? Well, I picked Memphis who already lost to unranked Xavier. I picked UCLA who lost to nowhere near ranked Michigan. I picked North Carolina whose super senior has been injured twice, whose super frosh suffered a season ending broken wrist, and whose substantially sub-super coach is completely healthy.

Then there’s Notre Dame who got blown-out by those injury-riddled Tar Heels. I also expected my wife, an ND alum, to be so overwhelmed by my selection, that she’d be sent into rapturous convulsions. Yeah, “convulsions” probably isn’t the right word, but regardless, nothing remotely “rapturous” occurred.

So I came up with some new goals: (1) determine how it’s humanly possible for the security guards who sit behind the players’ benches to never ever take a glance at the action; or (2) get the list of every televised Kentucky game that will be attended by Ashley Judd.

Though either of those would greatly enhance this blog, I decided do the impossible instead- memorize the nicknames of all 343 Div I teams. That’s right, I might not have been able to predict this week’s upsets of Syracuse over Kansas or Maryland over Michigan St, but I’m now able to rattle off any nickname you want. How about Furman you ask? The Paladins I say. What’s a paladin you ask? No idea I say.

I initially included my 6-year old daughter in this process. As we were trying to commit the Western Illinois Leathernecks to memory, my wife interjected that it might be better to teach her the names of the presidents - or pretty much anything else.

I said, “Oh please. One time I was in a bar with a bunch of guys crowded around a TV. A woman walks up and asks whose playing. Someone told her it was Florida and South Carolina. She then says ‘Go Cocks!’. I’m telling you every single guy in that bar wanted to . . .” I abruptly stopped that story, turned to my daughter and said, “Let me tell you about Rutherford B. Hayes.”

This memorization required some heavy-duty mnemonic devices. Here’s how I remember Iowa State: I met a former Miss Iowa at a party. In an effort to impress her with my wit I asked, “How the potatoes doing?” She responded, “Couldn’t tell you ‘cause the potatoes are in Idaho not Iowa, you idiot.” Taking that as a conversation ender, I turned to depart and bumped into a guy holding two glasses of wine. The impact caused the beverages to fly into the air and swirl on to Miss Iowa much like a cyclone – Iowa State Cyclones.

This didn’t work for every school though. Arkansas Little Rock Trojans was particularly difficult. I couldn’t come up with anything. If only there was some word that rhymed with Rock that would make me think of Trojans.

During my memorizing, I did learn one undeniable fact (well, in addition to 343 other undeniable facts) – creativity is not required in crafting a nickname. There are 14 Bulldogs, 14 Eagles, 12 Tigers. That’s pathetic. It’s really not that hard to come up with something unique. You want a mean animal? There’s The Gnats, or The Plankton or the Grubs (vicious bastards). Medical issue? Then go with The Dysentery, or the Hemorrhage or The Menstruation (I’m told it’s a bitch). Militant? I got Varmint Cong or just simply The Republicans.

These teams with the same nicknames should really be forced to play in a tournament with the winner getting the right to use that name. The rest will be forced to pick a new one out of a hat – clearly they can’t be left to their own creative devices. “Sorry Arizona you are now the Toe Jam.”

I’ve also come across some nicknames that are amongst my new favorites like the Centenary Gentlemen, The San Francisco Dons, The Manhattan Jaspers. Yes, they are all quite wimpy which is why they’re clearly unforgettable to me. I now have a number of retorts the next time someone picks on the nickname of my alma mater, St. Bonaventure. That of course, being - the Bonnies. “Yeah, well at least we aren’t the Presbyterian Blue Hose.”

St. Bonaventure actually had a couple of other nicknames through the years. There was the Brown Indians, which they discarded in deference to the Native Americans. There was also the Brown & White, which they got rid of in deference to Charmin.

There are some schools that completely missed the obvious nickname, like the Sacred Heart Pioneers. Come on. Clearly they should have been the Sacred Heart Attack.

Additional betterments would be The Charleston Chew, The Rice Pilaf, The Chattanooga Choo Choos, The Tulsa Salsa, the Morehead Please, and The Winthrop Pork Bellies (“I knew it!” And so did Dan Akroyd.)

Finally there’s UCLA. It’s time they change their nickname to represent the greatest movie ever set in Los Angeles - Swingers. I, therefore, give you the UCLA Money. Although maybe they already are and they don’t even know it.

So now it’s Thanksgiving night I’m proudly spouting the nicknames of every team on the ESPN ticker. My wife walks in and says, “You want to play school?” I never before thought it was possible to flip over in a recliner. Apparently after 8 years of marriage an unexpected sexual innuendo will have some powerful results.

Unfortunately there appeared to be evidence that my wife was being literal. She had my list of nicknames and wanted to test me. I asked if we could pretend this was taking place at Morehead State.

She starts with Tennessee-Martin. Let’s see - Martin reminds me of Steve Martin who was in the Three Amigos with Chevy Chase who envisioned himself a Los Angles Laker in Fletch whose teammate was Kareem who perfected the Sky-hook. Alas – we have the Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks. Going to have to try harder wifey-pooh.

She says “Okay, how about Bryant?”
“What? They aren’t on the list.”
“You told me months ago they’re now Div 1. Nickname of Bryant, please.”

“It should be the Bryant Tyrants, but I’m sure it’s not. Odds are it’s either the Eagles or Bulldogs. I’m going with the Eagles.”

“Nope, the Bulldogs. Too bad. If you got it right we’d be at Morehead State right now.”

My reaction led my wife to give me a new nickname – the rapture-less convulsion.


Thanks to JohnnyC for convincing me to go with the Arizona Toe Jam instead of the Arizona Dry Heat. Also, a thanks in advance to Krotz who will undoubtedly post a relevant link under "comments" that will likely be funnier that this blog.

STARTING NEXT WEEK: Monday-Rants, Wednesday-Rankings & Friday-Picks for weekend games

Take it easy,
Dave

RANT#2: ESPNU - Where The Hell Are You?

I feel shame. I call myself a hoops fan, but I missed half the tournament. What? Is it March already? No, not that tournament. I’m talking about the Coaches vs. Cancer. A stellar 16-team preseason tourney with an unfortunate name. It seems to imply that the losing coaches just didn’t care enough about cancer.

I’m pretty sure that “Coaches vs. Cancer” is a group that allows all coaches to “voluntarily” join. I’d imagine opting out would probably be a pretty bad PR move. “Hey, have you heard, Crean didn’t join. Guess he’s in favor of leukemia.”

If you managed to see the first two rounds of that tourney then you get ESPNU and I’m jealous. I have Comcast Cable. I get 3 CSPANs, a couple MTVs but no ESPNU. “I want my ESPNU!” Anybody know how to get a hold of the Dire Straits?

The past few seasons, not having ESPNU meant missing games like Coppin State vs. Murray State. I can live without those. I can also live without my six year old asking me, “Daddy, if there isn’t a state named Murray why is there a school called Murray State?” Daddy has no idea.

This year ESPNU has stepped up its slate. Of utmost importance to me are the 10 or so BC games it’s showing. Living in the Boston area, I could get some of those on a local TV. But that’s only if a channel doesn’t want the better ratings from a Celtics game, a Bruins game, a replay of the 2004 World Series, a repeat of Cheers or a test pattern for the Emergency Broadcast System. That’s right, more people would watch any of those than BC hoops. Completely infuriating to me, well, unless they’re showing the episode where Sam raps about his groin injury.

So if I want to watch the Eagles I’ll need ESPNU. I do have options. I could sell my house and relocate to an area that has Time-Warner, which carries ESPNU. I hear that now really isn’t a seller’s market though. Sadly, such a move would not even come close to my worst financial decision. Anybody want some $650 Google? How about some $5 Ford? I could keep going.

There’s also Direct TV, but I don’t think I’m allowed to get it in my neighborhood. It’s not that my neighborhood doesn’t allow Direct TV, it’s that my neighbors will not allow me to get it. See, a few years ago I put an addition on my house. It was such a fiasco that they’re convinced that adding a satellite dish would likely cause my entire house to implode. (Please remind me to delete this should I ever actually attempt to sell this house.)

The option I chose was calling Comcast. Why? ESPN says, “If you don’t get ESPNU then call your cable company.” I’m a man. I do whatever ESPN says.

The folks at Comcast told me that ESPNU is just too expensive. Huh, you know what I think is expensive? Comcast. And it doesn’t even offer ESPNU. Comcast noted that they provide hundreds of other channels. Yeah, but at least 5 of them are in languages I don’t speak. Here’s a deal: how about I trade you my HBO-Latino and my Telemundo for one ESPNU? No go.

Comcast offers CBS College Sports aka CBS-CS” for “short”. I flicked to that channel during last year’s NCAA Tourney. Though there were games taking place, all they showed was 3 guys talking about those games. As I kept flicking over to CBS-CS I kept thinking what kind of idiot watches this instead of the actual game. It then dawned on me, you know, while I’m flicking back and forth, that the idiot was me. (By the way, one of those talking heads was former UMass coach Steve Lappas whose genetic make-up is clearly ½ lunatic and ½ woodchuck.)

Comcast also offers the Big Ten Network. Great. That will allow me to watch the all-important Northwestern vs. Penn State game. But for BC vs. NC State I’m forced get an over the phone play by play from my Dad, who lives in a Time-Warner area with ESPNU. Here’s what that’ll be like:

“Dad, what’s the score?”
“I’ve got to find my glasses. Have you seen them?”
“I live in Massachusetts Dad.”
“Here they are. Score is 80-80 with 10 minutes to go. No, that’s 10 seconds to go.”
“Oh my God! Who has the ball?”
“BC is at the free throw line and – he missed the first.”
“Ugh!”
“All right, he’s getting ready for the second shot. Oh hell.”
“He missed?”
“No, the phone’s ringing. Now where the hell is the phone?”
“Dad, it’s in your hand. You’re on the phone with me.”
“You’re right, it’s the damn doorbell. Who the hell is bothering me?”
“Dad, what happened with the free throw?”
“Oh, I forgot I’ve got a couple women coming over tonight. Hey, sorry I’ve got to go.”
“Dad . . .Wait . . .A couple? . . .Dad, who won?. . .Dad?

Thanks in advance for that Comcast.

To see if there’s any other way to get ESPNU, I turned to Google – the company that has all the answers. Well, except for why I bought the stock at $650.

After a few searches I found a recent article that made my mouth drop. Sources report that Comcast and ESPN have just recommenced negotiations for ESPNU and a deal could be worked out soon. Oh happy day. Yes I love my severely overpriced Google.
But then I noticed the article was from Wikipedia. If you aren’t familiar with Wikipedia, you should know that it may be the only site on the internet with less credibility than DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com. Anybody can go into Wikipedia and add any “fact” that they want. Thus, my euphoria over a possible ESPNU-Comcast summit quickly subsided.

There’s actually something else about Wikipedia that causes me greater angst - my overly accomplished little sister Samara has her own page. So to increase my depressed state I decided to check it out. All very impressive, with one glaring omission. There was no mention of her big brother’s new college hoop humor blog that currently has 22 followers. That was until now. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samara_Barend

A thanks for the help with this post goes out to Pat Hurley and John Cusanno. I probably also owe thanks to my dad - a coach who really did beat cancer.

Take it easy,
Dave

Final4 Pick4 (No Worse Than Police Academy4)

Intro to the Intro:
Through my many days as a blogger (8 to be exact) I’ve learned that submitting a new post with references to prior ones might be mistake. I’m lucky to get anyone to read my latest installment, let alone review old entries. So, below is the intro to my Final 4 picks, (which can also be found preceding Pick#1) to help you better understand my prediction strategy.

Intro:
There is a truism that I swear by: home court advantage is huge in college hoops. My Final 4 Predictions are, therefore, based to a large extent on where the NCAA Tourney Regional Rounds (3&4) will be played. Yes, my “system” would make a lot more sense if I knew which teams would be playing in which region. If by chance these picks are so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh, consider them the humor portion of this blog.


BOSTON REGIONAL
If ever a city were completely undeserving of being an NCAA Tourament Regional site it's Boston – the city in which I reside. Well, actually I’m now 45 min away with no traffic. Given that there’s never “no traffic”, I’m really more like an hour plus outside of Boston. In fact, I live so far away from Boston, that my town actually votes Republican.

Anyway, I’ve learned that in this city that nobody actually calls Beantown, following college sports ranks below following professional soccer. Make that women’s professional soccer. That’s especially amazing given that there is no women’s pro soccer league.

Though there are a number of schools in the area with Div 1 Hoop, people here could truly care less. I guess that means Spinal Tap’s manager was right when he said that Boston’s “not a big college town.” And I bet you laughed when you heard him say that.

You might think BC would be a good fit with my “home team” strategy, but you’d be wrong. As much as I love the school that I severely overpaid for a law degree that I wish I never obtained, Boston College has only a slightly better shot at even making the tournament than my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies. St. Bonaventure Univ. would be the school that I severely over paid for my undergraduate degree in Marketing. How good can a school’s marketing program be if most people don’t even know the school exists? A question I should have pondered before enrolling.

UConn would be a legit selection. The campus is about 90 minutes away. There’s also a huge amount of Huskie alumni in Boston and throughout New England. (Why the State of Connecticut is even considered a part of New England is beyond me though. More than half that place is just a suburb of NYC and the rest exists solely to provide those people with insurance.)

Of a bit more importance, UConn has Hasheem Thabeet – a 7’3”, 263 lb shot blocking machine. In addition to being the likely first pick of next year’s NBA draft, Thabeet is the current fan club president of the GoGos. Rumor has it that after Calhoun signed this guy he ran around campus singing: “We’ve got Thabeet. We’ve got Thabeet. Yeah, we’ve got Thabeet. Everybody get on your feet!”

I, however, am not going with UConn because North Carolina will likely end up in this region. Though Chapel Hill is nowhere near Boston, the morons setting the brackets will think that UNC will get an advantage because Boston is ACC country. Little do they realize that the few folks up here who watch college hoop still think BC is in the Big East. So the Tar Heels aren’t going to be playing in front of a crowd of faces painted blue and white. Better shot that there’s a bunch of drunken guys covered in green shouting “Go Larry”.

Regardless they’re so damn good they don’t need a real home court advantage. Mind you, I say this knowing that their coach is the much-maligned Roy Williams. I actually think Williams is a decent coach who is occasionally blind to the happenings on the floor. My theory: it’s not his coaching abilities; it’s his glasses. They guy spends half the game adjusting his glasses and rubbing his eyes. Solution: start wearing a pair of Kareen Abdul Jabbar goggles. That’s what I did in Junior High. I wore them everywhere – thought they made me look cool. Boy was I wrong.

The Tar Heels lost almost nothing from last year’s Final 4 squad. They have Ty Hansbrough, a 3 time player of the year; Ty Lawson one of the best point guards in the nation, and foot freshman phenom, Ty Zeller. I can’t wait till all three of these Tys are on the court at the same time. You have to expect that the jumbo-tron at the Dean Dome will cue up Lacey Underall’s classic scene in Caddyshack: “I bet you’ve got a lot of nice ties. You wanna tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?” My Pick: North Carolina

As for my 2009 NCAA Champ – I envision Memphis up by 4 with 10 seconds to go. UCLA’s Darren Collison has the ball. As opposed to last year, Calipari is screaming NOT to foul. Just like last year his players don’t listen and they foul Collison as he gets the shot off from behind the newly extended 3-point line. Ball goes through the hoop with 2 seconds left. Collison misses the free throw, grabs the rebound, and puts up a floater that swishes through with no time left. UCLA wins. Calipari collapses.

John Cusanno gets another thanks here. This time for his knowledge of the distance between UConn and Boston.

Take it easy,
Dave

Final 4 Pick3 (No longer than Godfather3)

INDIANAPOLIS REGION – Continuing to follow my strategy of picking the best team with the best chance of home court advantage would make Louisville the obvious choice here. Missing the obvious is one of my fortes. So, Louisville is out.

Xavier is another possibility. They’re in the somewhat weak A-10 and there is a new line of thought that playing a lesser schedule actually increases a team’s chance for Tourney success. But that’s kind of like trying to get huge by lifting really light weights. It doesn’t work. I know; I’ve been trying for the past 20 years. Xavier is out.

Then there’s Purdue. I love saying Purdue. Purdue. I bet you can’t say it without smiling. Sometimes I put the emphasis on the “Pur” other times on the “due”. That makes it even more fun. You should really try it. As for their hoops team though, they’re really good but still a little young. Sorry Pur-DUE you’re out too.

That leaves the University of Notre Dame as the only decent team in close proximity. Only problem is I hate Notre Dame. I mean I really hate Notre Dame.

I hate Notre Dame more than anybody hates anything. I hate Notre Dame more than Red Sox fans hate the Yankees. More than Cubs fans hate Bartman (an ND grad I might add). More than Jennifer hates Angelina. More than Al Gore hates Florida. More than Sarah Palin hates Katie Couric. Even more than my mother-in-law hates me.

She actually has good reason to hate me. You see her husband, both her sons and her only daughter, all went to Notre Dame. Yes, I married a Notre Dame grad. And no, she’s NOT even a stripper. She duped me. Honest to God, she promised me that when we had kids, none of our boys would ever, under any circumstances, wear ND garb. Deal. It’s now 8 years later and I am the father of 2 daughters who have every Notre Dame outfit that school makes.

I understand that this in no way explains why I’m picking the school that I despise as one of my Final 4. Reason one: The pursuit of marital bliss. It turns out, years of labeling the university that your wife attended as “the most hypocritical institution on the planet” can put a bit of a strain on the relationship. So, I’m truly going to try to root for olde Notre Dame this basketball season. Go Irish! (I think I taste bile.).

More importantly, ND is supposed to be top notch this year. They have a veteran squad with a 3-point marksman named David Ayers. (Unclear whether he is related to or “pals around with” William Ayers.)

Further, the NCAA knows that nothing would get more non-hoop fans to tune into the Final 4 than having the Fighting Irish in there. I guarantee that if Notre Dame makes it to the regional finals, the refs will give them even more undeserving calls than usual. Disgusting, infuriating, and an additional reason to hate that school. But in the words of Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, “I’m trying really hard to be the shepherd.” My Pick: Notre Dame.

A thanks to John Cusanno who crafted the “stripper” joke.

Take it easy,
Dave

Final4 Pick2: (No Less Funny Than Caddyshack2)

(Once again my borderline ludicrous strategy is to pick the “home team” though they may not even end up being in that region.)

PHOENIX REGIONAL –

Arizona State is in Phoenix. Arizona State just missed the Final 4 last year. Arizona State is projected to have a great season. Arizona State is featured on the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated. So clearly I’m going with – UCLA. Duh.

Before I explain, I’d like you to know that my 6 year-old daughter prefers the Wildcats. I tried to explain to her that University of Arizona’s hoop program is a mess… She then said, “Dad, I’m not talking about the Wildcats of Arizona, I’m talking about the Wildcats of High School Musical. Duh.” God help me.

The reasons I’m passing on the Sun Devils are:

(1) That Final 4 they just missed out on last year was in the NIT. They haven’t been to the Big Dance in over 5 years. I personally haven’t been dancing in 7 years – the greatest accomplishment of my married life.

(2) They were merely featured on one of SI’s six regional covers. It always disappoints me when the Bible of sports magazines denigrates the sanctity of its cover by going with multiple versions just for marketing purposes. That said, if anyone can find an advertiser for this blog I’d trade both my kids in a heartbeat.

(3) ASU’s football team was also projected as a championship contender and they stink. If you were to ask me what the football team’s lack of success has to do with the hoop team, I would respond that I was hoping that you wouldn’t ask that.

Honesty, I really wish I had the stones to pick Arizona State. I’ve actually been to the campus and it was beautiful. It was also filled with stunningly gorgeous women. Then again I was 19 years old at the time. You could fill a morgue with stunningly gorgeous women and a 19 year old would find the place beautiful. Especially one as hard up as I was. If the amount of babes on campus is really going to be a factor in this decision, then I’m probably okay with UCLA. Good chance there’re a couple decent looking co-eds there too.

Now I know that UCLA fans are saddened that they lost “The Love” when Kevin Love turned pro, but they do have Josh Shipp. I think he could help “bring back that lovin’ feeling”. Especially if he makes a slight addition to his moniker and goes by Josh Shipp-The Love Boat. All right, maybe not.

More importantly they have the #1 point guard in Darren Collison and for my money the best coach in the biz, Ben Howland. They have also been to the “real” Final 4 the last three years. Part of me is hoping that they make it and lose again so that my beloved Buffalo Bills might no longer be considered the standard for championship futility. That might make sense were it not for a little thing called history & UCLA’s 11 prior championships. Yeah, I’d say they’re a long way from becoming the new Bills. My Pick: UCLA.

As an aside, I’d like to note that one of my 5 “followers” resides in Phoenix. You too can be a follower of DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor. I’d say it’d be a nice way to commemorate the 30th anniversary of Jim Jones and his followers. Feel free to bring your own Kool Aid.

Preseason Final 4 Picks: Part 1 (of 4 part series)

My Preseason Final 4 Predictions

If there is one thing I know about college basketball, it’s that I don’t know much about college basketball. (If you’re thinking ,"Then why the hell am I reading this?", please ignore that thought.) What I mean is that I have displayed a Skip Bayless-like severe lack of expertise over the years with my NCAA Tourney picks.

There is a truism that I swear by though: home court advantage is huge in college hoops. So my Final 4 Predictions are based to a large extent on where the NCAA Tourney Regional Rounds (3&4) will be played. Yes, my “system” would make a lot more sense if I knew which teams would be playing in which region. Anyway, below is the first of my Final 4 picks. The other 3 will come soon. If by chance these picks are so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh, consider them the humor portion of this installment.

1.MEMPHIS REGION – Hmm. What team would have a good chance winning in Memphis? When asked, my buddy Gary replied, Tennessee. Not the obvious answer, but I concede, somewhat reasonable. Vanderbilt? Come on. Belmont? Please. Austin Peay? Libscomb? Tennessee-Martin? No! No! No! I then realized that my buddy Gary was engaging in his favorite activity - tormenting me. He was also displaying an uncanny ability to rattle off names of Div I schools in the Volunteer State.

Obviously I’m talking about the Memphis Tigers. Yes, I know that they lost a lot from last year, but they have a new kid from Philly, Tyreke Evans - 6'-6" and supposed to be a big time scorer. They also have Pierre Niles who at 350 lbs serves two purposes: a force down low and a distraction from how fat Calipari is getting.

You say that wouldn’t be fair having Memphis play in Memphis? A persuasive contention if the NCAA actually cared about fairness. If you think there is any way that they are going to pass on the possibility of huge revenue that would come from all those hometown fans filling the FedEx Forum, then you probably think that the main reason for even having the tournament is to crown a true champion. As Grandmaster Flash once said, “It’s all about money; ain’t a damn thing funny.” (Yeah, I’m going old school rap on you).

Now when it comes to rooting for Memphis, I’ve always been torn. I have relatives who graduated from there, taught there and currently live there. I’m also a bit of an Elvis fan - assuming that having a life size cutout of the King in my office qualifies me as a “bit” of a fan.

On the flip side is the somewhat smarmy Coach Cal who last year described his team as “Princeton on steroids.” I believe that makes him the only person in history to find any similarity between the Univ. of Memphis and an Ivy League school. As for being “on steroids”, not really a positive, but instead, pretty stupid. So maybe what Calipari was really trying to say was, “We’re like Princeton, except much dumber.” Regardless, my pick: MEMPHIS.

(A thanks goes out to Mark Hoover who contributed to this post.)

Pick # 2 coming soon.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#1-Women Should Be Coaching Men's Teams

RANT#1:
Women Should Be Coaching Men’s Teams – I feel compelled to preface this with a clarification. (Great, I’m at sentence two and already unclear). My motivation for this assertion has nothing to do with promoting women’s rights or even women’s hoops. In fact, I am very much opposed to the increase in televised women’s basketball games on any network prefaced with the letters ESPN. Couldn’t those games be broadcast on one of the many women’s channels like Oxygen, WE, Lifetime, or MSNBC? Truly, every time I see a woman’s game on TV the blatant illogic of that telecast causes one thought to pound over and over in my head - there has to be a men’s game taking place somewhere that should be on instead.

I'll begrudgingly admit that I have watched the Women’s Final 4. I will also tune in any time Canisius is on becasue my old buddy Terry Zeh is the head coach. And, I will on a very rare occasion, flick over to Pat Summitt’s Tennessee Lady Volunteers during the regular season if they’re playing oh, say, I don’t know, maybe the Playboy Centerfold All-Stars. Otherwise, I have absolutely no interest.

Moreover, ESPN needs to cease its compulsion to include women’s hoops scores in its stream of info on the bottom of my screen. At least once a week I see something like Stanford 65, UCLA 44. I then think “Holy crap” until I realize that that was a women’s score. Then the more appropriate thought develops - “Who gives a crap?”

If ESPN absolutely has to run these scores, it should make it much clearer that they are not men’s. Simply putting up a little NCAAW before the stream is wholly insufficient for my little brain. I suggest running the women’s scores in a distinctive color like fuchsia, mauve, taupe or some other word for a color that only women can recognize. Better yet, there could be a special sound or tone that signals the commencement of non-men’s info. The opening few bars of Dancing Queen by ABBA would work quite well.

Now that I’ve established that I’m not a candidate for the Gloria Steinem Award, let me explain my seemingly feminist pontification concerning the travesty that no woman is currently coaching a Div I men’s team. The reason for this contention is based on simple logic. There are 347 men’s teams. There’s no way that all 347 of those coaches are better than the best women’s coach.

Think about it this way: Odds are that on many occasions you’ve been watching some hoop and thought that you could do a better job than the dufus who just burned his last time out with 8 minutes to go. My buddy Gary can’t even make it through an entire Syracuse game without calling to let me know how awful Jim Boeheim is. Though Boeheim has won a National Championship, Gary is not alone in his critique of SU’s head coach. (For the record, I’m actually a fan of Jim Boeheim. Not so much for his coaching, but because his wife is drop dead gorgeous and he, well, he’s a cross between Mr. Clean, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Eeyore. You’ve got to respect that.)

So let’s say that Jim Boeheim and Pat Summitt are to go head to head in a best of 5 series with equally talented men. How many games does Summitt win? If you said less than 2 you are lying.

Now think about how Summitt or C. Vivian Stringer of Rutgers or any of the women who have gone to the Final 4 would do against Willis Wilson. Willis who? He’s the basketball genius who helmed the Rice Owls to a 3-27 record last year.

Some of you might be thinking that a woman wouldn’t be tough enough to handle the hassles of recruiting or the discipline problems that come with a men’s team. Well let me tell you a little story about woman named Brenda Frese – also known as Coach B to the girls who she coaches at Maryland. Last year she was pregnant with twins and continued to coach all the way up until shortly before her delivery. Compare that with the esteemed Duke men’s head coach Mike Krzyzewski who once dropped to the floor in the middle of a game simply because he felt a little light headed. He wasn’t even in his third trimester at the time.

But the story of Frese continues. On February 17 she goes into labor – a somewhat uncomfortable experience. (I do have a vague recollection of my wife grunting once or twice during the delivery of our daughters.) Just weeks later Coach B was back on the sideline and took her squad all the way to the Elite 8. The aforementioned Coach K once had back pain and took an entire year off. So yeah, I think these women are tough enough.

The question then becomes: Why isn’t a woman coaching a men’s team? I have three theories.

Theory #1 – The fraternity of men’s coaches doesn’t want women coaches. Not because of sexist views, but because of fear. They’re afraid that if one woman is allowed to coach and succeeds it’s just a matter of time before the tidal wave of women starts knocking men out of jobs.

This theory, however, requires organized collusion and these guys are simply not intellectually capable of that. Come on, we’re taking about a bunch of men who are seemingly unable to look at a clock and figure out how much time is left. Picturing Boeheim, Roy Williams, Rick Majerus and any of the other coaches with a history of less than stellar coaching displays collaborating to concoct a successful game plan to ice out women coaches when they can’t even come up with a successful inbounds play is truly laughable. Especially since there’s a decent chance that Majerus would be naked. Although, if they wanted to have such a meeting via conference call it could easily be set up by Kelvin Sampson.

Theory #2 – The athletic directors who hire the coaches are wuss balls. They just don’t want to take the risk of blowing possibly the only important task they have by hiring woman who is a bust. (Pun unintended, but it sadly made me chuckle. I really miss Beavis and Butthead). We can only hope that someday one of these ADs grows a pair of cajones – preferably Branch Rickey size.

Theory #3 – Women don’t want the job. That’s right, the real wuss balls here are the women. There’s no doubt that the main reason that no women is currently coaching Div I men’s hoop is a total lack of desire on the part of those women. Truly, when was the last time any woman wanted something, didn’t get it, and then didn’t complain about it? It doesn’t happen. Or have we forgotten Hillary’s less than gracious concession? Heck, if I pick up the wrong type of paper towels I hear about it from my wife for a week. Imagine if there were women pining to coach men’s hoop and they were being turned down en masse. That would be huge news. Oprah would be dedicating entire shows to the plight. There would be picketing in front of Pauley Pavilion and there’d be sports bras burning.

Come to think of it, burning the sport bras might be a good idea regardless. The invention of those things was a terrible marketing move for women’s hoops. At least that’s this boob’s opinion.

There you have it – Dave Barend’s College Hoops Humor Blog #1. You’ve got to admit you are a little impressed with the fact that I was able to be chauvinistic and advocate for the advancement of women’s coaches simultaneously. If you found my rantings even marginally entertaining please feel free to let me know at davebarend@yahoo.com. If not, feel free to send an email to SaraBarend@yahoo.com That’s my wife’s account. She enjoys noting my faults.

Finally, a special thanks to John Cusanno for contributing to this blog. If you’d like to contribute as well, all you have to do is let me know. It is important for you to realize though that I list my contributors not only to show appreciation, but to let the readers know where the real blame lies should the blog stink.

Take it easy,
Dave Barend

Postscript - I would like it noted that as of November 14th I had an extremely impressive 6 comments to this blog. They still exist, but they somehow got moved to "Intro" posting. This blogging thing is quite confusing. They say it's for anybody, but I may prove that wrong.

Intro To Dave Barend's College Hoop Humor

Intro To Dave Barend's College Hoop Humor Blog

Just letting you know that I’ve started a hopefully humorous blog on college basketball. It’s called DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com. Given that there are literally over a million blogs out there I was worried that my idea might not be all that original. Turns out there’s not even one other blog out there called DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com Phew.

Now, you may be thinking: How could someone with such low self-esteem as me engage in something so seemingly self-important as a blog. Well, my goal is actually somewhat altruistic. If I can get people to read this blog then maybe that will lead to more people doing my "charitable" NCAA Tourney Pool. That in turn will lead to a bigger "charitable" pot which history suggests I have no chance of winning. Yes, that’s the same pool that every year I swear I’m never doing again, but as my blogs will likely reveal, logic is not my strong suit.

So if you enjoy the below verbal spew I hope you will check out the blog on a semi-regular basis and forward it on to a few friends. I will continually update it with rants, rankings, predictions and once again, hopefully at least a modicum of humor. (My original title for the blog was “DaveBarendsCollegeBasketballRantings&Rankings” but anything more than 27 characters long is just too cumbersome; don’t you think?) I’d even be more than willing to email the blog if you’d prefer to have it sent directly to you. Just let me know at davebarend@yahoo.com

Thanks for indulging me.
Dave