RANT#2: ESPNU - Where The Hell Are You?

I feel shame. I call myself a hoops fan, but I missed half the tournament. What? Is it March already? No, not that tournament. I’m talking about the Coaches vs. Cancer. A stellar 16-team preseason tourney with an unfortunate name. It seems to imply that the losing coaches just didn’t care enough about cancer.

I’m pretty sure that “Coaches vs. Cancer” is a group that allows all coaches to “voluntarily” join. I’d imagine opting out would probably be a pretty bad PR move. “Hey, have you heard, Crean didn’t join. Guess he’s in favor of leukemia.”

If you managed to see the first two rounds of that tourney then you get ESPNU and I’m jealous. I have Comcast Cable. I get 3 CSPANs, a couple MTVs but no ESPNU. “I want my ESPNU!” Anybody know how to get a hold of the Dire Straits?

The past few seasons, not having ESPNU meant missing games like Coppin State vs. Murray State. I can live without those. I can also live without my six year old asking me, “Daddy, if there isn’t a state named Murray why is there a school called Murray State?” Daddy has no idea.

This year ESPNU has stepped up its slate. Of utmost importance to me are the 10 or so BC games it’s showing. Living in the Boston area, I could get some of those on a local TV. But that’s only if a channel doesn’t want the better ratings from a Celtics game, a Bruins game, a replay of the 2004 World Series, a repeat of Cheers or a test pattern for the Emergency Broadcast System. That’s right, more people would watch any of those than BC hoops. Completely infuriating to me, well, unless they’re showing the episode where Sam raps about his groin injury.

So if I want to watch the Eagles I’ll need ESPNU. I do have options. I could sell my house and relocate to an area that has Time-Warner, which carries ESPNU. I hear that now really isn’t a seller’s market though. Sadly, such a move would not even come close to my worst financial decision. Anybody want some $650 Google? How about some $5 Ford? I could keep going.

There’s also Direct TV, but I don’t think I’m allowed to get it in my neighborhood. It’s not that my neighborhood doesn’t allow Direct TV, it’s that my neighbors will not allow me to get it. See, a few years ago I put an addition on my house. It was such a fiasco that they’re convinced that adding a satellite dish would likely cause my entire house to implode. (Please remind me to delete this should I ever actually attempt to sell this house.)

The option I chose was calling Comcast. Why? ESPN says, “If you don’t get ESPNU then call your cable company.” I’m a man. I do whatever ESPN says.

The folks at Comcast told me that ESPNU is just too expensive. Huh, you know what I think is expensive? Comcast. And it doesn’t even offer ESPNU. Comcast noted that they provide hundreds of other channels. Yeah, but at least 5 of them are in languages I don’t speak. Here’s a deal: how about I trade you my HBO-Latino and my Telemundo for one ESPNU? No go.

Comcast offers CBS College Sports aka CBS-CS” for “short”. I flicked to that channel during last year’s NCAA Tourney. Though there were games taking place, all they showed was 3 guys talking about those games. As I kept flicking over to CBS-CS I kept thinking what kind of idiot watches this instead of the actual game. It then dawned on me, you know, while I’m flicking back and forth, that the idiot was me. (By the way, one of those talking heads was former UMass coach Steve Lappas whose genetic make-up is clearly ½ lunatic and ½ woodchuck.)

Comcast also offers the Big Ten Network. Great. That will allow me to watch the all-important Northwestern vs. Penn State game. But for BC vs. NC State I’m forced get an over the phone play by play from my Dad, who lives in a Time-Warner area with ESPNU. Here’s what that’ll be like:

“Dad, what’s the score?”
“I’ve got to find my glasses. Have you seen them?”
“I live in Massachusetts Dad.”
“Here they are. Score is 80-80 with 10 minutes to go. No, that’s 10 seconds to go.”
“Oh my God! Who has the ball?”
“BC is at the free throw line and – he missed the first.”
“Ugh!”
“All right, he’s getting ready for the second shot. Oh hell.”
“He missed?”
“No, the phone’s ringing. Now where the hell is the phone?”
“Dad, it’s in your hand. You’re on the phone with me.”
“You’re right, it’s the damn doorbell. Who the hell is bothering me?”
“Dad, what happened with the free throw?”
“Oh, I forgot I’ve got a couple women coming over tonight. Hey, sorry I’ve got to go.”
“Dad . . .Wait . . .A couple? . . .Dad, who won?. . .Dad?

Thanks in advance for that Comcast.

To see if there’s any other way to get ESPNU, I turned to Google – the company that has all the answers. Well, except for why I bought the stock at $650.

After a few searches I found a recent article that made my mouth drop. Sources report that Comcast and ESPN have just recommenced negotiations for ESPNU and a deal could be worked out soon. Oh happy day. Yes I love my severely overpriced Google.
But then I noticed the article was from Wikipedia. If you aren’t familiar with Wikipedia, you should know that it may be the only site on the internet with less credibility than DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com. Anybody can go into Wikipedia and add any “fact” that they want. Thus, my euphoria over a possible ESPNU-Comcast summit quickly subsided.

There’s actually something else about Wikipedia that causes me greater angst - my overly accomplished little sister Samara has her own page. So to increase my depressed state I decided to check it out. All very impressive, with one glaring omission. There was no mention of her big brother’s new college hoop humor blog that currently has 22 followers. That was until now. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samara_Barend

A thanks for the help with this post goes out to Pat Hurley and John Cusanno. I probably also owe thanks to my dad - a coach who really did beat cancer.

Take it easy,
Dave