My goal was to correctly pick this year’s Final 4. How am I looking after a mere 2 weeks? Well, I picked Memphis who already lost to unranked Xavier. I picked UCLA who lost to nowhere near ranked Michigan. I picked North Carolina whose super senior has been injured twice, whose super frosh suffered a season ending broken wrist, and whose substantially sub-super coach is completely healthy.
Then there’s Notre Dame who got blown-out by those injury-riddled Tar Heels. I also expected my wife, an ND alum, to be so overwhelmed by my selection, that she’d be sent into rapturous convulsions. Yeah, “convulsions” probably isn’t the right word, but regardless, nothing remotely “rapturous” occurred.
So I came up with some new goals: (1) determine how it’s humanly possible for the security guards who sit behind the players’ benches to never ever take a glance at the action; or (2) get the list of every televised Kentucky game that will be attended by Ashley Judd.
Though either of those would greatly enhance this blog, I decided do the impossible instead- memorize the nicknames of all 343 Div I teams. That’s right, I might not have been able to predict this week’s upsets of Syracuse over Kansas or Maryland over Michigan St, but I’m now able to rattle off any nickname you want. How about Furman you ask? The Paladins I say. What’s a paladin you ask? No idea I say.
I initially included my 6-year old daughter in this process. As we were trying to commit the Western Illinois Leathernecks to memory, my wife interjected that it might be better to teach her the names of the presidents - or pretty much anything else.
I said, “Oh please. One time I was in a bar with a bunch of guys crowded around a TV. A woman walks up and asks whose playing. Someone told her it was Florida and South Carolina. She then says ‘Go Cocks!’. I’m telling you every single guy in that bar wanted to . . .” I abruptly stopped that story, turned to my daughter and said, “Let me tell you about Rutherford B. Hayes.”
This memorization required some heavy-duty mnemonic devices. Here’s how I remember Iowa State: I met a former Miss Iowa at a party. In an effort to impress her with my wit I asked, “How the potatoes doing?” She responded, “Couldn’t tell you ‘cause the potatoes are in Idaho not Iowa, you idiot.” Taking that as a conversation ender, I turned to depart and bumped into a guy holding two glasses of wine. The impact caused the beverages to fly into the air and swirl on to Miss Iowa much like a cyclone – Iowa State Cyclones.
This didn’t work for every school though. Arkansas Little Rock Trojans was particularly difficult. I couldn’t come up with anything. If only there was some word that rhymed with Rock that would make me think of Trojans.
During my memorizing, I did learn one undeniable fact (well, in addition to 343 other undeniable facts) – creativity is not required in crafting a nickname. There are 14 Bulldogs, 14 Eagles, 12 Tigers. That’s pathetic. It’s really not that hard to come up with something unique. You want a mean animal? There’s The Gnats, or The Plankton or the Grubs (vicious bastards). Medical issue? Then go with The Dysentery, or the Hemorrhage or The Menstruation (I’m told it’s a bitch). Militant? I got Varmint Cong or just simply The Republicans.
These teams with the same nicknames should really be forced to play in a tournament with the winner getting the right to use that name. The rest will be forced to pick a new one out of a hat – clearly they can’t be left to their own creative devices. “Sorry Arizona you are now the Toe Jam.”
I’ve also come across some nicknames that are amongst my new favorites like the Centenary Gentlemen, The San Francisco Dons, The Manhattan Jaspers. Yes, they are all quite wimpy which is why they’re clearly unforgettable to me. I now have a number of retorts the next time someone picks on the nickname of my alma mater, St. Bonaventure. That of course, being - the Bonnies. “Yeah, well at least we aren’t the Presbyterian Blue Hose.”
St. Bonaventure actually had a couple of other nicknames through the years. There was the Brown Indians, which they discarded in deference to the Native Americans. There was also the Brown & White, which they got rid of in deference to Charmin.
There are some schools that completely missed the obvious nickname, like the Sacred Heart Pioneers. Come on. Clearly they should have been the Sacred Heart Attack.
Additional betterments would be The Charleston Chew, The Rice Pilaf, The Chattanooga Choo Choos, The Tulsa Salsa, the Morehead Please, and The Winthrop Pork Bellies (“I knew it!” And so did Dan Akroyd.)
Finally there’s UCLA. It’s time they change their nickname to represent the greatest movie ever set in Los Angeles - Swingers. I, therefore, give you the UCLA Money. Although maybe they already are and they don’t even know it.
So now it’s Thanksgiving night I’m proudly spouting the nicknames of every team on the ESPN ticker. My wife walks in and says, “You want to play school?” I never before thought it was possible to flip over in a recliner. Apparently after 8 years of marriage an unexpected sexual innuendo will have some powerful results.
Unfortunately there appeared to be evidence that my wife was being literal. She had my list of nicknames and wanted to test me. I asked if we could pretend this was taking place at Morehead State.
She starts with Tennessee-Martin. Let’s see - Martin reminds me of Steve Martin who was in the Three Amigos with Chevy Chase who envisioned himself a Los Angles Laker in Fletch whose teammate was Kareem who perfected the Sky-hook. Alas – we have the Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks. Going to have to try harder wifey-pooh.
She says “Okay, how about Bryant?”
“What? They aren’t on the list.”
“You told me months ago they’re now Div 1. Nickname of Bryant, please.”
“It should be the Bryant Tyrants, but I’m sure it’s not. Odds are it’s either the Eagles or Bulldogs. I’m going with the Eagles.”
“Nope, the Bulldogs. Too bad. If you got it right we’d be at Morehead State right now.”
My reaction led my wife to give me a new nickname – the rapture-less convulsion.
Thanks to JohnnyC for convincing me to go with the Arizona Toe Jam instead of the Arizona Dry Heat. Also, a thanks in advance to Krotz who will undoubtedly post a relevant link under "comments" that will likely be funnier that this blog.
STARTING NEXT WEEK: Monday-Rants, Wednesday-Rankings & Friday-Picks for weekend games
Take it easy,
Dave
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
RANT#2: ESPNU - Where The Hell Are You?
I feel shame. I call myself a hoops fan, but I missed half the tournament. What? Is it March already? No, not that tournament. I’m talking about the Coaches vs. Cancer. A stellar 16-team preseason tourney with an unfortunate name. It seems to imply that the losing coaches just didn’t care enough about cancer.
I’m pretty sure that “Coaches vs. Cancer” is a group that allows all coaches to “voluntarily” join. I’d imagine opting out would probably be a pretty bad PR move. “Hey, have you heard, Crean didn’t join. Guess he’s in favor of leukemia.”
If you managed to see the first two rounds of that tourney then you get ESPNU and I’m jealous. I have Comcast Cable. I get 3 CSPANs, a couple MTVs but no ESPNU. “I want my ESPNU!” Anybody know how to get a hold of the Dire Straits?
The past few seasons, not having ESPNU meant missing games like Coppin State vs. Murray State. I can live without those. I can also live without my six year old asking me, “Daddy, if there isn’t a state named Murray why is there a school called Murray State?” Daddy has no idea.
This year ESPNU has stepped up its slate. Of utmost importance to me are the 10 or so BC games it’s showing. Living in the Boston area, I could get some of those on a local TV. But that’s only if a channel doesn’t want the better ratings from a Celtics game, a Bruins game, a replay of the 2004 World Series, a repeat of Cheers or a test pattern for the Emergency Broadcast System. That’s right, more people would watch any of those than BC hoops. Completely infuriating to me, well, unless they’re showing the episode where Sam raps about his groin injury.
So if I want to watch the Eagles I’ll need ESPNU. I do have options. I could sell my house and relocate to an area that has Time-Warner, which carries ESPNU. I hear that now really isn’t a seller’s market though. Sadly, such a move would not even come close to my worst financial decision. Anybody want some $650 Google? How about some $5 Ford? I could keep going.
There’s also Direct TV, but I don’t think I’m allowed to get it in my neighborhood. It’s not that my neighborhood doesn’t allow Direct TV, it’s that my neighbors will not allow me to get it. See, a few years ago I put an addition on my house. It was such a fiasco that they’re convinced that adding a satellite dish would likely cause my entire house to implode. (Please remind me to delete this should I ever actually attempt to sell this house.)
The option I chose was calling Comcast. Why? ESPN says, “If you don’t get ESPNU then call your cable company.” I’m a man. I do whatever ESPN says.
The folks at Comcast told me that ESPNU is just too expensive. Huh, you know what I think is expensive? Comcast. And it doesn’t even offer ESPNU. Comcast noted that they provide hundreds of other channels. Yeah, but at least 5 of them are in languages I don’t speak. Here’s a deal: how about I trade you my HBO-Latino and my Telemundo for one ESPNU? No go.
Comcast offers CBS College Sports aka CBS-CS” for “short”. I flicked to that channel during last year’s NCAA Tourney. Though there were games taking place, all they showed was 3 guys talking about those games. As I kept flicking over to CBS-CS I kept thinking what kind of idiot watches this instead of the actual game. It then dawned on me, you know, while I’m flicking back and forth, that the idiot was me. (By the way, one of those talking heads was former UMass coach Steve Lappas whose genetic make-up is clearly ½ lunatic and ½ woodchuck.)
Comcast also offers the Big Ten Network. Great. That will allow me to watch the all-important Northwestern vs. Penn State game. But for BC vs. NC State I’m forced get an over the phone play by play from my Dad, who lives in a Time-Warner area with ESPNU. Here’s what that’ll be like:
“Dad, what’s the score?”
“I’ve got to find my glasses. Have you seen them?”
“I live in Massachusetts Dad.”
“Here they are. Score is 80-80 with 10 minutes to go. No, that’s 10 seconds to go.”
“Oh my God! Who has the ball?”
“BC is at the free throw line and – he missed the first.”
“Ugh!”
“All right, he’s getting ready for the second shot. Oh hell.”
“He missed?”
“No, the phone’s ringing. Now where the hell is the phone?”
“Dad, it’s in your hand. You’re on the phone with me.”
“You’re right, it’s the damn doorbell. Who the hell is bothering me?”
“Dad, what happened with the free throw?”
“Oh, I forgot I’ve got a couple women coming over tonight. Hey, sorry I’ve got to go.”
“Dad . . .Wait . . .A couple? . . .Dad, who won?. . .Dad?
Thanks in advance for that Comcast.
To see if there’s any other way to get ESPNU, I turned to Google – the company that has all the answers. Well, except for why I bought the stock at $650.
After a few searches I found a recent article that made my mouth drop. Sources report that Comcast and ESPN have just recommenced negotiations for ESPNU and a deal could be worked out soon. Oh happy day. Yes I love my severely overpriced Google.
But then I noticed the article was from Wikipedia. If you aren’t familiar with Wikipedia, you should know that it may be the only site on the internet with less credibility than DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com. Anybody can go into Wikipedia and add any “fact” that they want. Thus, my euphoria over a possible ESPNU-Comcast summit quickly subsided.
There’s actually something else about Wikipedia that causes me greater angst - my overly accomplished little sister Samara has her own page. So to increase my depressed state I decided to check it out. All very impressive, with one glaring omission. There was no mention of her big brother’s new college hoop humor blog that currently has 22 followers. That was until now. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samara_Barend
A thanks for the help with this post goes out to Pat Hurley and John Cusanno. I probably also owe thanks to my dad - a coach who really did beat cancer.
Take it easy,
Dave
I’m pretty sure that “Coaches vs. Cancer” is a group that allows all coaches to “voluntarily” join. I’d imagine opting out would probably be a pretty bad PR move. “Hey, have you heard, Crean didn’t join. Guess he’s in favor of leukemia.”
If you managed to see the first two rounds of that tourney then you get ESPNU and I’m jealous. I have Comcast Cable. I get 3 CSPANs, a couple MTVs but no ESPNU. “I want my ESPNU!” Anybody know how to get a hold of the Dire Straits?
The past few seasons, not having ESPNU meant missing games like Coppin State vs. Murray State. I can live without those. I can also live without my six year old asking me, “Daddy, if there isn’t a state named Murray why is there a school called Murray State?” Daddy has no idea.
This year ESPNU has stepped up its slate. Of utmost importance to me are the 10 or so BC games it’s showing. Living in the Boston area, I could get some of those on a local TV. But that’s only if a channel doesn’t want the better ratings from a Celtics game, a Bruins game, a replay of the 2004 World Series, a repeat of Cheers or a test pattern for the Emergency Broadcast System. That’s right, more people would watch any of those than BC hoops. Completely infuriating to me, well, unless they’re showing the episode where Sam raps about his groin injury.
So if I want to watch the Eagles I’ll need ESPNU. I do have options. I could sell my house and relocate to an area that has Time-Warner, which carries ESPNU. I hear that now really isn’t a seller’s market though. Sadly, such a move would not even come close to my worst financial decision. Anybody want some $650 Google? How about some $5 Ford? I could keep going.
There’s also Direct TV, but I don’t think I’m allowed to get it in my neighborhood. It’s not that my neighborhood doesn’t allow Direct TV, it’s that my neighbors will not allow me to get it. See, a few years ago I put an addition on my house. It was such a fiasco that they’re convinced that adding a satellite dish would likely cause my entire house to implode. (Please remind me to delete this should I ever actually attempt to sell this house.)
The option I chose was calling Comcast. Why? ESPN says, “If you don’t get ESPNU then call your cable company.” I’m a man. I do whatever ESPN says.
The folks at Comcast told me that ESPNU is just too expensive. Huh, you know what I think is expensive? Comcast. And it doesn’t even offer ESPNU. Comcast noted that they provide hundreds of other channels. Yeah, but at least 5 of them are in languages I don’t speak. Here’s a deal: how about I trade you my HBO-Latino and my Telemundo for one ESPNU? No go.
Comcast offers CBS College Sports aka CBS-CS” for “short”. I flicked to that channel during last year’s NCAA Tourney. Though there were games taking place, all they showed was 3 guys talking about those games. As I kept flicking over to CBS-CS I kept thinking what kind of idiot watches this instead of the actual game. It then dawned on me, you know, while I’m flicking back and forth, that the idiot was me. (By the way, one of those talking heads was former UMass coach Steve Lappas whose genetic make-up is clearly ½ lunatic and ½ woodchuck.)
Comcast also offers the Big Ten Network. Great. That will allow me to watch the all-important Northwestern vs. Penn State game. But for BC vs. NC State I’m forced get an over the phone play by play from my Dad, who lives in a Time-Warner area with ESPNU. Here’s what that’ll be like:
“Dad, what’s the score?”
“I’ve got to find my glasses. Have you seen them?”
“I live in Massachusetts Dad.”
“Here they are. Score is 80-80 with 10 minutes to go. No, that’s 10 seconds to go.”
“Oh my God! Who has the ball?”
“BC is at the free throw line and – he missed the first.”
“Ugh!”
“All right, he’s getting ready for the second shot. Oh hell.”
“He missed?”
“No, the phone’s ringing. Now where the hell is the phone?”
“Dad, it’s in your hand. You’re on the phone with me.”
“You’re right, it’s the damn doorbell. Who the hell is bothering me?”
“Dad, what happened with the free throw?”
“Oh, I forgot I’ve got a couple women coming over tonight. Hey, sorry I’ve got to go.”
“Dad . . .Wait . . .A couple? . . .Dad, who won?. . .Dad?
Thanks in advance for that Comcast.
To see if there’s any other way to get ESPNU, I turned to Google – the company that has all the answers. Well, except for why I bought the stock at $650.
After a few searches I found a recent article that made my mouth drop. Sources report that Comcast and ESPN have just recommenced negotiations for ESPNU and a deal could be worked out soon. Oh happy day. Yes I love my severely overpriced Google.
But then I noticed the article was from Wikipedia. If you aren’t familiar with Wikipedia, you should know that it may be the only site on the internet with less credibility than DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com. Anybody can go into Wikipedia and add any “fact” that they want. Thus, my euphoria over a possible ESPNU-Comcast summit quickly subsided.
There’s actually something else about Wikipedia that causes me greater angst - my overly accomplished little sister Samara has her own page. So to increase my depressed state I decided to check it out. All very impressive, with one glaring omission. There was no mention of her big brother’s new college hoop humor blog that currently has 22 followers. That was until now. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samara_Barend
A thanks for the help with this post goes out to Pat Hurley and John Cusanno. I probably also owe thanks to my dad - a coach who really did beat cancer.
Take it easy,
Dave
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Final4 Pick4 (No Worse Than Police Academy4)
Intro to the Intro:
Through my many days as a blogger (8 to be exact) I’ve learned that submitting a new post with references to prior ones might be mistake. I’m lucky to get anyone to read my latest installment, let alone review old entries. So, below is the intro to my Final 4 picks, (which can also be found preceding Pick#1) to help you better understand my prediction strategy.
Intro:
There is a truism that I swear by: home court advantage is huge in college hoops. My Final 4 Predictions are, therefore, based to a large extent on where the NCAA Tourney Regional Rounds (3&4) will be played. Yes, my “system” would make a lot more sense if I knew which teams would be playing in which region. If by chance these picks are so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh, consider them the humor portion of this blog.
BOSTON REGIONAL
If ever a city were completely undeserving of being an NCAA Tourament Regional site it's Boston – the city in which I reside. Well, actually I’m now 45 min away with no traffic. Given that there’s never “no traffic”, I’m really more like an hour plus outside of Boston. In fact, I live so far away from Boston, that my town actually votes Republican.
Anyway, I’ve learned that in this city that nobody actually calls Beantown, following college sports ranks below following professional soccer. Make that women’s professional soccer. That’s especially amazing given that there is no women’s pro soccer league.
Though there are a number of schools in the area with Div 1 Hoop, people here could truly care less. I guess that means Spinal Tap’s manager was right when he said that Boston’s “not a big college town.” And I bet you laughed when you heard him say that.
You might think BC would be a good fit with my “home team” strategy, but you’d be wrong. As much as I love the school that I severely overpaid for a law degree that I wish I never obtained, Boston College has only a slightly better shot at even making the tournament than my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies. St. Bonaventure Univ. would be the school that I severely over paid for my undergraduate degree in Marketing. How good can a school’s marketing program be if most people don’t even know the school exists? A question I should have pondered before enrolling.
UConn would be a legit selection. The campus is about 90 minutes away. There’s also a huge amount of Huskie alumni in Boston and throughout New England. (Why the State of Connecticut is even considered a part of New England is beyond me though. More than half that place is just a suburb of NYC and the rest exists solely to provide those people with insurance.)
Of a bit more importance, UConn has Hasheem Thabeet – a 7’3”, 263 lb shot blocking machine. In addition to being the likely first pick of next year’s NBA draft, Thabeet is the current fan club president of the GoGos. Rumor has it that after Calhoun signed this guy he ran around campus singing: “We’ve got Thabeet. We’ve got Thabeet. Yeah, we’ve got Thabeet. Everybody get on your feet!”
I, however, am not going with UConn because North Carolina will likely end up in this region. Though Chapel Hill is nowhere near Boston, the morons setting the brackets will think that UNC will get an advantage because Boston is ACC country. Little do they realize that the few folks up here who watch college hoop still think BC is in the Big East. So the Tar Heels aren’t going to be playing in front of a crowd of faces painted blue and white. Better shot that there’s a bunch of drunken guys covered in green shouting “Go Larry”.
Regardless they’re so damn good they don’t need a real home court advantage. Mind you, I say this knowing that their coach is the much-maligned Roy Williams. I actually think Williams is a decent coach who is occasionally blind to the happenings on the floor. My theory: it’s not his coaching abilities; it’s his glasses. They guy spends half the game adjusting his glasses and rubbing his eyes. Solution: start wearing a pair of Kareen Abdul Jabbar goggles. That’s what I did in Junior High. I wore them everywhere – thought they made me look cool. Boy was I wrong.
The Tar Heels lost almost nothing from last year’s Final 4 squad. They have Ty Hansbrough, a 3 time player of the year; Ty Lawson one of the best point guards in the nation, and foot freshman phenom, Ty Zeller. I can’t wait till all three of these Tys are on the court at the same time. You have to expect that the jumbo-tron at the Dean Dome will cue up Lacey Underall’s classic scene in Caddyshack: “I bet you’ve got a lot of nice ties. You wanna tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?” My Pick: North Carolina
As for my 2009 NCAA Champ – I envision Memphis up by 4 with 10 seconds to go. UCLA’s Darren Collison has the ball. As opposed to last year, Calipari is screaming NOT to foul. Just like last year his players don’t listen and they foul Collison as he gets the shot off from behind the newly extended 3-point line. Ball goes through the hoop with 2 seconds left. Collison misses the free throw, grabs the rebound, and puts up a floater that swishes through with no time left. UCLA wins. Calipari collapses.
John Cusanno gets another thanks here. This time for his knowledge of the distance between UConn and Boston.
Take it easy,
Dave
Through my many days as a blogger (8 to be exact) I’ve learned that submitting a new post with references to prior ones might be mistake. I’m lucky to get anyone to read my latest installment, let alone review old entries. So, below is the intro to my Final 4 picks, (which can also be found preceding Pick#1) to help you better understand my prediction strategy.
Intro:
There is a truism that I swear by: home court advantage is huge in college hoops. My Final 4 Predictions are, therefore, based to a large extent on where the NCAA Tourney Regional Rounds (3&4) will be played. Yes, my “system” would make a lot more sense if I knew which teams would be playing in which region. If by chance these picks are so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh, consider them the humor portion of this blog.
BOSTON REGIONAL
If ever a city were completely undeserving of being an NCAA Tourament Regional site it's Boston – the city in which I reside. Well, actually I’m now 45 min away with no traffic. Given that there’s never “no traffic”, I’m really more like an hour plus outside of Boston. In fact, I live so far away from Boston, that my town actually votes Republican.
Anyway, I’ve learned that in this city that nobody actually calls Beantown, following college sports ranks below following professional soccer. Make that women’s professional soccer. That’s especially amazing given that there is no women’s pro soccer league.
Though there are a number of schools in the area with Div 1 Hoop, people here could truly care less. I guess that means Spinal Tap’s manager was right when he said that Boston’s “not a big college town.” And I bet you laughed when you heard him say that.
You might think BC would be a good fit with my “home team” strategy, but you’d be wrong. As much as I love the school that I severely overpaid for a law degree that I wish I never obtained, Boston College has only a slightly better shot at even making the tournament than my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies. St. Bonaventure Univ. would be the school that I severely over paid for my undergraduate degree in Marketing. How good can a school’s marketing program be if most people don’t even know the school exists? A question I should have pondered before enrolling.
UConn would be a legit selection. The campus is about 90 minutes away. There’s also a huge amount of Huskie alumni in Boston and throughout New England. (Why the State of Connecticut is even considered a part of New England is beyond me though. More than half that place is just a suburb of NYC and the rest exists solely to provide those people with insurance.)
Of a bit more importance, UConn has Hasheem Thabeet – a 7’3”, 263 lb shot blocking machine. In addition to being the likely first pick of next year’s NBA draft, Thabeet is the current fan club president of the GoGos. Rumor has it that after Calhoun signed this guy he ran around campus singing: “We’ve got Thabeet. We’ve got Thabeet. Yeah, we’ve got Thabeet. Everybody get on your feet!”
I, however, am not going with UConn because North Carolina will likely end up in this region. Though Chapel Hill is nowhere near Boston, the morons setting the brackets will think that UNC will get an advantage because Boston is ACC country. Little do they realize that the few folks up here who watch college hoop still think BC is in the Big East. So the Tar Heels aren’t going to be playing in front of a crowd of faces painted blue and white. Better shot that there’s a bunch of drunken guys covered in green shouting “Go Larry”.
Regardless they’re so damn good they don’t need a real home court advantage. Mind you, I say this knowing that their coach is the much-maligned Roy Williams. I actually think Williams is a decent coach who is occasionally blind to the happenings on the floor. My theory: it’s not his coaching abilities; it’s his glasses. They guy spends half the game adjusting his glasses and rubbing his eyes. Solution: start wearing a pair of Kareen Abdul Jabbar goggles. That’s what I did in Junior High. I wore them everywhere – thought they made me look cool. Boy was I wrong.
The Tar Heels lost almost nothing from last year’s Final 4 squad. They have Ty Hansbrough, a 3 time player of the year; Ty Lawson one of the best point guards in the nation, and foot freshman phenom, Ty Zeller. I can’t wait till all three of these Tys are on the court at the same time. You have to expect that the jumbo-tron at the Dean Dome will cue up Lacey Underall’s classic scene in Caddyshack: “I bet you’ve got a lot of nice ties. You wanna tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?” My Pick: North Carolina
As for my 2009 NCAA Champ – I envision Memphis up by 4 with 10 seconds to go. UCLA’s Darren Collison has the ball. As opposed to last year, Calipari is screaming NOT to foul. Just like last year his players don’t listen and they foul Collison as he gets the shot off from behind the newly extended 3-point line. Ball goes through the hoop with 2 seconds left. Collison misses the free throw, grabs the rebound, and puts up a floater that swishes through with no time left. UCLA wins. Calipari collapses.
John Cusanno gets another thanks here. This time for his knowledge of the distance between UConn and Boston.
Take it easy,
Dave
Final 4 Pick3 (No longer than Godfather3)
INDIANAPOLIS REGION – Continuing to follow my strategy of picking the best team with the best chance of home court advantage would make Louisville the obvious choice here. Missing the obvious is one of my fortes. So, Louisville is out.
Xavier is another possibility. They’re in the somewhat weak A-10 and there is a new line of thought that playing a lesser schedule actually increases a team’s chance for Tourney success. But that’s kind of like trying to get huge by lifting really light weights. It doesn’t work. I know; I’ve been trying for the past 20 years. Xavier is out.
Then there’s Purdue. I love saying Purdue. Purdue. I bet you can’t say it without smiling. Sometimes I put the emphasis on the “Pur” other times on the “due”. That makes it even more fun. You should really try it. As for their hoops team though, they’re really good but still a little young. Sorry Pur-DUE you’re out too.
That leaves the University of Notre Dame as the only decent team in close proximity. Only problem is I hate Notre Dame. I mean I really hate Notre Dame.
I hate Notre Dame more than anybody hates anything. I hate Notre Dame more than Red Sox fans hate the Yankees. More than Cubs fans hate Bartman (an ND grad I might add). More than Jennifer hates Angelina. More than Al Gore hates Florida. More than Sarah Palin hates Katie Couric. Even more than my mother-in-law hates me.
She actually has good reason to hate me. You see her husband, both her sons and her only daughter, all went to Notre Dame. Yes, I married a Notre Dame grad. And no, she’s NOT even a stripper. She duped me. Honest to God, she promised me that when we had kids, none of our boys would ever, under any circumstances, wear ND garb. Deal. It’s now 8 years later and I am the father of 2 daughters who have every Notre Dame outfit that school makes.
I understand that this in no way explains why I’m picking the school that I despise as one of my Final 4. Reason one: The pursuit of marital bliss. It turns out, years of labeling the university that your wife attended as “the most hypocritical institution on the planet” can put a bit of a strain on the relationship. So, I’m truly going to try to root for olde Notre Dame this basketball season. Go Irish! (I think I taste bile.).
More importantly, ND is supposed to be top notch this year. They have a veteran squad with a 3-point marksman named David Ayers. (Unclear whether he is related to or “pals around with” William Ayers.)
Further, the NCAA knows that nothing would get more non-hoop fans to tune into the Final 4 than having the Fighting Irish in there. I guarantee that if Notre Dame makes it to the regional finals, the refs will give them even more undeserving calls than usual. Disgusting, infuriating, and an additional reason to hate that school. But in the words of Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, “I’m trying really hard to be the shepherd.” My Pick: Notre Dame.
A thanks to John Cusanno who crafted the “stripper” joke.
Take it easy,
Dave
Xavier is another possibility. They’re in the somewhat weak A-10 and there is a new line of thought that playing a lesser schedule actually increases a team’s chance for Tourney success. But that’s kind of like trying to get huge by lifting really light weights. It doesn’t work. I know; I’ve been trying for the past 20 years. Xavier is out.
Then there’s Purdue. I love saying Purdue. Purdue. I bet you can’t say it without smiling. Sometimes I put the emphasis on the “Pur” other times on the “due”. That makes it even more fun. You should really try it. As for their hoops team though, they’re really good but still a little young. Sorry Pur-DUE you’re out too.
That leaves the University of Notre Dame as the only decent team in close proximity. Only problem is I hate Notre Dame. I mean I really hate Notre Dame.
I hate Notre Dame more than anybody hates anything. I hate Notre Dame more than Red Sox fans hate the Yankees. More than Cubs fans hate Bartman (an ND grad I might add). More than Jennifer hates Angelina. More than Al Gore hates Florida. More than Sarah Palin hates Katie Couric. Even more than my mother-in-law hates me.
She actually has good reason to hate me. You see her husband, both her sons and her only daughter, all went to Notre Dame. Yes, I married a Notre Dame grad. And no, she’s NOT even a stripper. She duped me. Honest to God, she promised me that when we had kids, none of our boys would ever, under any circumstances, wear ND garb. Deal. It’s now 8 years later and I am the father of 2 daughters who have every Notre Dame outfit that school makes.
I understand that this in no way explains why I’m picking the school that I despise as one of my Final 4. Reason one: The pursuit of marital bliss. It turns out, years of labeling the university that your wife attended as “the most hypocritical institution on the planet” can put a bit of a strain on the relationship. So, I’m truly going to try to root for olde Notre Dame this basketball season. Go Irish! (I think I taste bile.).
More importantly, ND is supposed to be top notch this year. They have a veteran squad with a 3-point marksman named David Ayers. (Unclear whether he is related to or “pals around with” William Ayers.)
Further, the NCAA knows that nothing would get more non-hoop fans to tune into the Final 4 than having the Fighting Irish in there. I guarantee that if Notre Dame makes it to the regional finals, the refs will give them even more undeserving calls than usual. Disgusting, infuriating, and an additional reason to hate that school. But in the words of Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, “I’m trying really hard to be the shepherd.” My Pick: Notre Dame.
A thanks to John Cusanno who crafted the “stripper” joke.
Take it easy,
Dave
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Final4 Pick2: (No Less Funny Than Caddyshack2)
(Once again my borderline ludicrous strategy is to pick the “home team” though they may not even end up being in that region.)
PHOENIX REGIONAL –
Arizona State is in Phoenix. Arizona State just missed the Final 4 last year. Arizona State is projected to have a great season. Arizona State is featured on the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated. So clearly I’m going with – UCLA. Duh.
Before I explain, I’d like you to know that my 6 year-old daughter prefers the Wildcats. I tried to explain to her that University of Arizona’s hoop program is a mess… She then said, “Dad, I’m not talking about the Wildcats of Arizona, I’m talking about the Wildcats of High School Musical. Duh.” God help me.
The reasons I’m passing on the Sun Devils are:
(1) That Final 4 they just missed out on last year was in the NIT. They haven’t been to the Big Dance in over 5 years. I personally haven’t been dancing in 7 years – the greatest accomplishment of my married life.
(2) They were merely featured on one of SI’s six regional covers. It always disappoints me when the Bible of sports magazines denigrates the sanctity of its cover by going with multiple versions just for marketing purposes. That said, if anyone can find an advertiser for this blog I’d trade both my kids in a heartbeat.
(3) ASU’s football team was also projected as a championship contender and they stink. If you were to ask me what the football team’s lack of success has to do with the hoop team, I would respond that I was hoping that you wouldn’t ask that.
Honesty, I really wish I had the stones to pick Arizona State. I’ve actually been to the campus and it was beautiful. It was also filled with stunningly gorgeous women. Then again I was 19 years old at the time. You could fill a morgue with stunningly gorgeous women and a 19 year old would find the place beautiful. Especially one as hard up as I was. If the amount of babes on campus is really going to be a factor in this decision, then I’m probably okay with UCLA. Good chance there’re a couple decent looking co-eds there too.
Now I know that UCLA fans are saddened that they lost “The Love” when Kevin Love turned pro, but they do have Josh Shipp. I think he could help “bring back that lovin’ feeling”. Especially if he makes a slight addition to his moniker and goes by Josh Shipp-The Love Boat. All right, maybe not.
More importantly they have the #1 point guard in Darren Collison and for my money the best coach in the biz, Ben Howland. They have also been to the “real” Final 4 the last three years. Part of me is hoping that they make it and lose again so that my beloved Buffalo Bills might no longer be considered the standard for championship futility. That might make sense were it not for a little thing called history & UCLA’s 11 prior championships. Yeah, I’d say they’re a long way from becoming the new Bills. My Pick: UCLA.
As an aside, I’d like to note that one of my 5 “followers” resides in Phoenix. You too can be a follower of DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor. I’d say it’d be a nice way to commemorate the 30th anniversary of Jim Jones and his followers. Feel free to bring your own Kool Aid.
PHOENIX REGIONAL –
Arizona State is in Phoenix. Arizona State just missed the Final 4 last year. Arizona State is projected to have a great season. Arizona State is featured on the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated. So clearly I’m going with – UCLA. Duh.
Before I explain, I’d like you to know that my 6 year-old daughter prefers the Wildcats. I tried to explain to her that University of Arizona’s hoop program is a mess… She then said, “Dad, I’m not talking about the Wildcats of Arizona, I’m talking about the Wildcats of High School Musical. Duh.” God help me.
The reasons I’m passing on the Sun Devils are:
(1) That Final 4 they just missed out on last year was in the NIT. They haven’t been to the Big Dance in over 5 years. I personally haven’t been dancing in 7 years – the greatest accomplishment of my married life.
(2) They were merely featured on one of SI’s six regional covers. It always disappoints me when the Bible of sports magazines denigrates the sanctity of its cover by going with multiple versions just for marketing purposes. That said, if anyone can find an advertiser for this blog I’d trade both my kids in a heartbeat.
(3) ASU’s football team was also projected as a championship contender and they stink. If you were to ask me what the football team’s lack of success has to do with the hoop team, I would respond that I was hoping that you wouldn’t ask that.
Honesty, I really wish I had the stones to pick Arizona State. I’ve actually been to the campus and it was beautiful. It was also filled with stunningly gorgeous women. Then again I was 19 years old at the time. You could fill a morgue with stunningly gorgeous women and a 19 year old would find the place beautiful. Especially one as hard up as I was. If the amount of babes on campus is really going to be a factor in this decision, then I’m probably okay with UCLA. Good chance there’re a couple decent looking co-eds there too.
Now I know that UCLA fans are saddened that they lost “The Love” when Kevin Love turned pro, but they do have Josh Shipp. I think he could help “bring back that lovin’ feeling”. Especially if he makes a slight addition to his moniker and goes by Josh Shipp-The Love Boat. All right, maybe not.
More importantly they have the #1 point guard in Darren Collison and for my money the best coach in the biz, Ben Howland. They have also been to the “real” Final 4 the last three years. Part of me is hoping that they make it and lose again so that my beloved Buffalo Bills might no longer be considered the standard for championship futility. That might make sense were it not for a little thing called history & UCLA’s 11 prior championships. Yeah, I’d say they’re a long way from becoming the new Bills. My Pick: UCLA.
As an aside, I’d like to note that one of my 5 “followers” resides in Phoenix. You too can be a follower of DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor. I’d say it’d be a nice way to commemorate the 30th anniversary of Jim Jones and his followers. Feel free to bring your own Kool Aid.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Preseason Final 4 Picks: Part 1 (of 4 part series)
My Preseason Final 4 Predictions
If there is one thing I know about college basketball, it’s that I don’t know much about college basketball. (If you’re thinking ,"Then why the hell am I reading this?", please ignore that thought.) What I mean is that I have displayed a Skip Bayless-like severe lack of expertise over the years with my NCAA Tourney picks.
There is a truism that I swear by though: home court advantage is huge in college hoops. So my Final 4 Predictions are based to a large extent on where the NCAA Tourney Regional Rounds (3&4) will be played. Yes, my “system” would make a lot more sense if I knew which teams would be playing in which region. Anyway, below is the first of my Final 4 picks. The other 3 will come soon. If by chance these picks are so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh, consider them the humor portion of this installment.
1.MEMPHIS REGION – Hmm. What team would have a good chance winning in Memphis? When asked, my buddy Gary replied, Tennessee. Not the obvious answer, but I concede, somewhat reasonable. Vanderbilt? Come on. Belmont? Please. Austin Peay? Libscomb? Tennessee-Martin? No! No! No! I then realized that my buddy Gary was engaging in his favorite activity - tormenting me. He was also displaying an uncanny ability to rattle off names of Div I schools in the Volunteer State.
Obviously I’m talking about the Memphis Tigers. Yes, I know that they lost a lot from last year, but they have a new kid from Philly, Tyreke Evans - 6'-6" and supposed to be a big time scorer. They also have Pierre Niles who at 350 lbs serves two purposes: a force down low and a distraction from how fat Calipari is getting.
You say that wouldn’t be fair having Memphis play in Memphis? A persuasive contention if the NCAA actually cared about fairness. If you think there is any way that they are going to pass on the possibility of huge revenue that would come from all those hometown fans filling the FedEx Forum, then you probably think that the main reason for even having the tournament is to crown a true champion. As Grandmaster Flash once said, “It’s all about money; ain’t a damn thing funny.” (Yeah, I’m going old school rap on you).
Now when it comes to rooting for Memphis, I’ve always been torn. I have relatives who graduated from there, taught there and currently live there. I’m also a bit of an Elvis fan - assuming that having a life size cutout of the King in my office qualifies me as a “bit” of a fan.
On the flip side is the somewhat smarmy Coach Cal who last year described his team as “Princeton on steroids.” I believe that makes him the only person in history to find any similarity between the Univ. of Memphis and an Ivy League school. As for being “on steroids”, not really a positive, but instead, pretty stupid. So maybe what Calipari was really trying to say was, “We’re like Princeton, except much dumber.” Regardless, my pick: MEMPHIS.
(A thanks goes out to Mark Hoover who contributed to this post.)
Pick # 2 coming soon.
Take it easy,
Dave
If there is one thing I know about college basketball, it’s that I don’t know much about college basketball. (If you’re thinking ,"Then why the hell am I reading this?", please ignore that thought.) What I mean is that I have displayed a Skip Bayless-like severe lack of expertise over the years with my NCAA Tourney picks.
There is a truism that I swear by though: home court advantage is huge in college hoops. So my Final 4 Predictions are based to a large extent on where the NCAA Tourney Regional Rounds (3&4) will be played. Yes, my “system” would make a lot more sense if I knew which teams would be playing in which region. Anyway, below is the first of my Final 4 picks. The other 3 will come soon. If by chance these picks are so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh, consider them the humor portion of this installment.
1.MEMPHIS REGION – Hmm. What team would have a good chance winning in Memphis? When asked, my buddy Gary replied, Tennessee. Not the obvious answer, but I concede, somewhat reasonable. Vanderbilt? Come on. Belmont? Please. Austin Peay? Libscomb? Tennessee-Martin? No! No! No! I then realized that my buddy Gary was engaging in his favorite activity - tormenting me. He was also displaying an uncanny ability to rattle off names of Div I schools in the Volunteer State.
Obviously I’m talking about the Memphis Tigers. Yes, I know that they lost a lot from last year, but they have a new kid from Philly, Tyreke Evans - 6'-6" and supposed to be a big time scorer. They also have Pierre Niles who at 350 lbs serves two purposes: a force down low and a distraction from how fat Calipari is getting.
You say that wouldn’t be fair having Memphis play in Memphis? A persuasive contention if the NCAA actually cared about fairness. If you think there is any way that they are going to pass on the possibility of huge revenue that would come from all those hometown fans filling the FedEx Forum, then you probably think that the main reason for even having the tournament is to crown a true champion. As Grandmaster Flash once said, “It’s all about money; ain’t a damn thing funny.” (Yeah, I’m going old school rap on you).
Now when it comes to rooting for Memphis, I’ve always been torn. I have relatives who graduated from there, taught there and currently live there. I’m also a bit of an Elvis fan - assuming that having a life size cutout of the King in my office qualifies me as a “bit” of a fan.
On the flip side is the somewhat smarmy Coach Cal who last year described his team as “Princeton on steroids.” I believe that makes him the only person in history to find any similarity between the Univ. of Memphis and an Ivy League school. As for being “on steroids”, not really a positive, but instead, pretty stupid. So maybe what Calipari was really trying to say was, “We’re like Princeton, except much dumber.” Regardless, my pick: MEMPHIS.
(A thanks goes out to Mark Hoover who contributed to this post.)
Pick # 2 coming soon.
Take it easy,
Dave
Rant#1-Women Should Be Coaching Men's Teams
RANT#1:
Women Should Be Coaching Men’s Teams – I feel compelled to preface this with a clarification. (Great, I’m at sentence two and already unclear). My motivation for this assertion has nothing to do with promoting women’s rights or even women’s hoops. In fact, I am very much opposed to the increase in televised women’s basketball games on any network prefaced with the letters ESPN. Couldn’t those games be broadcast on one of the many women’s channels like Oxygen, WE, Lifetime, or MSNBC? Truly, every time I see a woman’s game on TV the blatant illogic of that telecast causes one thought to pound over and over in my head - there has to be a men’s game taking place somewhere that should be on instead.
I'll begrudgingly admit that I have watched the Women’s Final 4. I will also tune in any time Canisius is on becasue my old buddy Terry Zeh is the head coach. And, I will on a very rare occasion, flick over to Pat Summitt’s Tennessee Lady Volunteers during the regular season if they’re playing oh, say, I don’t know, maybe the Playboy Centerfold All-Stars. Otherwise, I have absolutely no interest.
Moreover, ESPN needs to cease its compulsion to include women’s hoops scores in its stream of info on the bottom of my screen. At least once a week I see something like Stanford 65, UCLA 44. I then think “Holy crap” until I realize that that was a women’s score. Then the more appropriate thought develops - “Who gives a crap?”
If ESPN absolutely has to run these scores, it should make it much clearer that they are not men’s. Simply putting up a little NCAAW before the stream is wholly insufficient for my little brain. I suggest running the women’s scores in a distinctive color like fuchsia, mauve, taupe or some other word for a color that only women can recognize. Better yet, there could be a special sound or tone that signals the commencement of non-men’s info. The opening few bars of Dancing Queen by ABBA would work quite well.
Now that I’ve established that I’m not a candidate for the Gloria Steinem Award, let me explain my seemingly feminist pontification concerning the travesty that no woman is currently coaching a Div I men’s team. The reason for this contention is based on simple logic. There are 347 men’s teams. There’s no way that all 347 of those coaches are better than the best women’s coach.
Think about it this way: Odds are that on many occasions you’ve been watching some hoop and thought that you could do a better job than the dufus who just burned his last time out with 8 minutes to go. My buddy Gary can’t even make it through an entire Syracuse game without calling to let me know how awful Jim Boeheim is. Though Boeheim has won a National Championship, Gary is not alone in his critique of SU’s head coach. (For the record, I’m actually a fan of Jim Boeheim. Not so much for his coaching, but because his wife is drop dead gorgeous and he, well, he’s a cross between Mr. Clean, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Eeyore. You’ve got to respect that.)
So let’s say that Jim Boeheim and Pat Summitt are to go head to head in a best of 5 series with equally talented men. How many games does Summitt win? If you said less than 2 you are lying.
Now think about how Summitt or C. Vivian Stringer of Rutgers or any of the women who have gone to the Final 4 would do against Willis Wilson. Willis who? He’s the basketball genius who helmed the Rice Owls to a 3-27 record last year.
Some of you might be thinking that a woman wouldn’t be tough enough to handle the hassles of recruiting or the discipline problems that come with a men’s team. Well let me tell you a little story about woman named Brenda Frese – also known as Coach B to the girls who she coaches at Maryland. Last year she was pregnant with twins and continued to coach all the way up until shortly before her delivery. Compare that with the esteemed Duke men’s head coach Mike Krzyzewski who once dropped to the floor in the middle of a game simply because he felt a little light headed. He wasn’t even in his third trimester at the time.
But the story of Frese continues. On February 17 she goes into labor – a somewhat uncomfortable experience. (I do have a vague recollection of my wife grunting once or twice during the delivery of our daughters.) Just weeks later Coach B was back on the sideline and took her squad all the way to the Elite 8. The aforementioned Coach K once had back pain and took an entire year off. So yeah, I think these women are tough enough.
The question then becomes: Why isn’t a woman coaching a men’s team? I have three theories.
Theory #1 – The fraternity of men’s coaches doesn’t want women coaches. Not because of sexist views, but because of fear. They’re afraid that if one woman is allowed to coach and succeeds it’s just a matter of time before the tidal wave of women starts knocking men out of jobs.
This theory, however, requires organized collusion and these guys are simply not intellectually capable of that. Come on, we’re taking about a bunch of men who are seemingly unable to look at a clock and figure out how much time is left. Picturing Boeheim, Roy Williams, Rick Majerus and any of the other coaches with a history of less than stellar coaching displays collaborating to concoct a successful game plan to ice out women coaches when they can’t even come up with a successful inbounds play is truly laughable. Especially since there’s a decent chance that Majerus would be naked. Although, if they wanted to have such a meeting via conference call it could easily be set up by Kelvin Sampson.
Theory #2 – The athletic directors who hire the coaches are wuss balls. They just don’t want to take the risk of blowing possibly the only important task they have by hiring woman who is a bust. (Pun unintended, but it sadly made me chuckle. I really miss Beavis and Butthead). We can only hope that someday one of these ADs grows a pair of cajones – preferably Branch Rickey size.
Theory #3 – Women don’t want the job. That’s right, the real wuss balls here are the women. There’s no doubt that the main reason that no women is currently coaching Div I men’s hoop is a total lack of desire on the part of those women. Truly, when was the last time any woman wanted something, didn’t get it, and then didn’t complain about it? It doesn’t happen. Or have we forgotten Hillary’s less than gracious concession? Heck, if I pick up the wrong type of paper towels I hear about it from my wife for a week. Imagine if there were women pining to coach men’s hoop and they were being turned down en masse. That would be huge news. Oprah would be dedicating entire shows to the plight. There would be picketing in front of Pauley Pavilion and there’d be sports bras burning.
Come to think of it, burning the sport bras might be a good idea regardless. The invention of those things was a terrible marketing move for women’s hoops. At least that’s this boob’s opinion.
There you have it – Dave Barend’s College Hoops Humor Blog #1. You’ve got to admit you are a little impressed with the fact that I was able to be chauvinistic and advocate for the advancement of women’s coaches simultaneously. If you found my rantings even marginally entertaining please feel free to let me know at davebarend@yahoo.com. If not, feel free to send an email to SaraBarend@yahoo.com That’s my wife’s account. She enjoys noting my faults.
Finally, a special thanks to John Cusanno for contributing to this blog. If you’d like to contribute as well, all you have to do is let me know. It is important for you to realize though that I list my contributors not only to show appreciation, but to let the readers know where the real blame lies should the blog stink.
Take it easy,
Dave Barend
Postscript - I would like it noted that as of November 14th I had an extremely impressive 6 comments to this blog. They still exist, but they somehow got moved to "Intro" posting. This blogging thing is quite confusing. They say it's for anybody, but I may prove that wrong.
Women Should Be Coaching Men’s Teams – I feel compelled to preface this with a clarification. (Great, I’m at sentence two and already unclear). My motivation for this assertion has nothing to do with promoting women’s rights or even women’s hoops. In fact, I am very much opposed to the increase in televised women’s basketball games on any network prefaced with the letters ESPN. Couldn’t those games be broadcast on one of the many women’s channels like Oxygen, WE, Lifetime, or MSNBC? Truly, every time I see a woman’s game on TV the blatant illogic of that telecast causes one thought to pound over and over in my head - there has to be a men’s game taking place somewhere that should be on instead.
I'll begrudgingly admit that I have watched the Women’s Final 4. I will also tune in any time Canisius is on becasue my old buddy Terry Zeh is the head coach. And, I will on a very rare occasion, flick over to Pat Summitt’s Tennessee Lady Volunteers during the regular season if they’re playing oh, say, I don’t know, maybe the Playboy Centerfold All-Stars. Otherwise, I have absolutely no interest.
Moreover, ESPN needs to cease its compulsion to include women’s hoops scores in its stream of info on the bottom of my screen. At least once a week I see something like Stanford 65, UCLA 44. I then think “Holy crap” until I realize that that was a women’s score. Then the more appropriate thought develops - “Who gives a crap?”
If ESPN absolutely has to run these scores, it should make it much clearer that they are not men’s. Simply putting up a little NCAAW before the stream is wholly insufficient for my little brain. I suggest running the women’s scores in a distinctive color like fuchsia, mauve, taupe or some other word for a color that only women can recognize. Better yet, there could be a special sound or tone that signals the commencement of non-men’s info. The opening few bars of Dancing Queen by ABBA would work quite well.
Now that I’ve established that I’m not a candidate for the Gloria Steinem Award, let me explain my seemingly feminist pontification concerning the travesty that no woman is currently coaching a Div I men’s team. The reason for this contention is based on simple logic. There are 347 men’s teams. There’s no way that all 347 of those coaches are better than the best women’s coach.
Think about it this way: Odds are that on many occasions you’ve been watching some hoop and thought that you could do a better job than the dufus who just burned his last time out with 8 minutes to go. My buddy Gary can’t even make it through an entire Syracuse game without calling to let me know how awful Jim Boeheim is. Though Boeheim has won a National Championship, Gary is not alone in his critique of SU’s head coach. (For the record, I’m actually a fan of Jim Boeheim. Not so much for his coaching, but because his wife is drop dead gorgeous and he, well, he’s a cross between Mr. Clean, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Eeyore. You’ve got to respect that.)
So let’s say that Jim Boeheim and Pat Summitt are to go head to head in a best of 5 series with equally talented men. How many games does Summitt win? If you said less than 2 you are lying.
Now think about how Summitt or C. Vivian Stringer of Rutgers or any of the women who have gone to the Final 4 would do against Willis Wilson. Willis who? He’s the basketball genius who helmed the Rice Owls to a 3-27 record last year.
Some of you might be thinking that a woman wouldn’t be tough enough to handle the hassles of recruiting or the discipline problems that come with a men’s team. Well let me tell you a little story about woman named Brenda Frese – also known as Coach B to the girls who she coaches at Maryland. Last year she was pregnant with twins and continued to coach all the way up until shortly before her delivery. Compare that with the esteemed Duke men’s head coach Mike Krzyzewski who once dropped to the floor in the middle of a game simply because he felt a little light headed. He wasn’t even in his third trimester at the time.
But the story of Frese continues. On February 17 she goes into labor – a somewhat uncomfortable experience. (I do have a vague recollection of my wife grunting once or twice during the delivery of our daughters.) Just weeks later Coach B was back on the sideline and took her squad all the way to the Elite 8. The aforementioned Coach K once had back pain and took an entire year off. So yeah, I think these women are tough enough.
The question then becomes: Why isn’t a woman coaching a men’s team? I have three theories.
Theory #1 – The fraternity of men’s coaches doesn’t want women coaches. Not because of sexist views, but because of fear. They’re afraid that if one woman is allowed to coach and succeeds it’s just a matter of time before the tidal wave of women starts knocking men out of jobs.
This theory, however, requires organized collusion and these guys are simply not intellectually capable of that. Come on, we’re taking about a bunch of men who are seemingly unable to look at a clock and figure out how much time is left. Picturing Boeheim, Roy Williams, Rick Majerus and any of the other coaches with a history of less than stellar coaching displays collaborating to concoct a successful game plan to ice out women coaches when they can’t even come up with a successful inbounds play is truly laughable. Especially since there’s a decent chance that Majerus would be naked. Although, if they wanted to have such a meeting via conference call it could easily be set up by Kelvin Sampson.
Theory #2 – The athletic directors who hire the coaches are wuss balls. They just don’t want to take the risk of blowing possibly the only important task they have by hiring woman who is a bust. (Pun unintended, but it sadly made me chuckle. I really miss Beavis and Butthead). We can only hope that someday one of these ADs grows a pair of cajones – preferably Branch Rickey size.
Theory #3 – Women don’t want the job. That’s right, the real wuss balls here are the women. There’s no doubt that the main reason that no women is currently coaching Div I men’s hoop is a total lack of desire on the part of those women. Truly, when was the last time any woman wanted something, didn’t get it, and then didn’t complain about it? It doesn’t happen. Or have we forgotten Hillary’s less than gracious concession? Heck, if I pick up the wrong type of paper towels I hear about it from my wife for a week. Imagine if there were women pining to coach men’s hoop and they were being turned down en masse. That would be huge news. Oprah would be dedicating entire shows to the plight. There would be picketing in front of Pauley Pavilion and there’d be sports bras burning.
Come to think of it, burning the sport bras might be a good idea regardless. The invention of those things was a terrible marketing move for women’s hoops. At least that’s this boob’s opinion.
There you have it – Dave Barend’s College Hoops Humor Blog #1. You’ve got to admit you are a little impressed with the fact that I was able to be chauvinistic and advocate for the advancement of women’s coaches simultaneously. If you found my rantings even marginally entertaining please feel free to let me know at davebarend@yahoo.com. If not, feel free to send an email to SaraBarend@yahoo.com That’s my wife’s account. She enjoys noting my faults.
Finally, a special thanks to John Cusanno for contributing to this blog. If you’d like to contribute as well, all you have to do is let me know. It is important for you to realize though that I list my contributors not only to show appreciation, but to let the readers know where the real blame lies should the blog stink.
Take it easy,
Dave Barend
Postscript - I would like it noted that as of November 14th I had an extremely impressive 6 comments to this blog. They still exist, but they somehow got moved to "Intro" posting. This blogging thing is quite confusing. They say it's for anybody, but I may prove that wrong.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Intro To Dave Barend's College Hoop Humor
Intro To Dave Barend's College Hoop Humor Blog
Just letting you know that I’ve started a hopefully humorous blog on college basketball. It’s called DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com. Given that there are literally over a million blogs out there I was worried that my idea might not be all that original. Turns out there’s not even one other blog out there called DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com Phew.
Now, you may be thinking: How could someone with such low self-esteem as me engage in something so seemingly self-important as a blog. Well, my goal is actually somewhat altruistic. If I can get people to read this blog then maybe that will lead to more people doing my "charitable" NCAA Tourney Pool. That in turn will lead to a bigger "charitable" pot which history suggests I have no chance of winning. Yes, that’s the same pool that every year I swear I’m never doing again, but as my blogs will likely reveal, logic is not my strong suit.
So if you enjoy the below verbal spew I hope you will check out the blog on a semi-regular basis and forward it on to a few friends. I will continually update it with rants, rankings, predictions and once again, hopefully at least a modicum of humor. (My original title for the blog was “DaveBarendsCollegeBasketballRantings&Rankings” but anything more than 27 characters long is just too cumbersome; don’t you think?) I’d even be more than willing to email the blog if you’d prefer to have it sent directly to you. Just let me know at davebarend@yahoo.com
Thanks for indulging me.
Dave
Just letting you know that I’ve started a hopefully humorous blog on college basketball. It’s called DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com. Given that there are literally over a million blogs out there I was worried that my idea might not be all that original. Turns out there’s not even one other blog out there called DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com Phew.
Now, you may be thinking: How could someone with such low self-esteem as me engage in something so seemingly self-important as a blog. Well, my goal is actually somewhat altruistic. If I can get people to read this blog then maybe that will lead to more people doing my "charitable" NCAA Tourney Pool. That in turn will lead to a bigger "charitable" pot which history suggests I have no chance of winning. Yes, that’s the same pool that every year I swear I’m never doing again, but as my blogs will likely reveal, logic is not my strong suit.
So if you enjoy the below verbal spew I hope you will check out the blog on a semi-regular basis and forward it on to a few friends. I will continually update it with rants, rankings, predictions and once again, hopefully at least a modicum of humor. (My original title for the blog was “DaveBarendsCollegeBasketballRantings&Rankings” but anything more than 27 characters long is just too cumbersome; don’t you think?) I’d even be more than willing to email the blog if you’d prefer to have it sent directly to you. Just let me know at davebarend@yahoo.com
Thanks for indulging me.
Dave
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