Hopefully Humorous Rankings 2011-12 (#2)

Below is my latest attempt at some hopefully humorous rankings.

1. Kentucky - The Wildcats have a super player in Michael Gilchrist. Actually his last name is Kidd-Gilchrist. But isn't everyone on Kentucky a kidd?

3.Syracuse - The Orange are 7-0. So I guess everything on campus must be fine.

5. North Carolina - The Tar Heels lost to UNLV. Apparently the pundits are right when they say that any team can beat another team on any given night. Though it helps when one of those teams is coached by Roy Williams.

9. Florida - I am declaring that Irving Walker is now my new favorite player. He's only 5' 7" and he's amazing. I'm 5 inches taller and I stink. Wait a minute. . . . I think I need to alter my declaration to: I'm now declaring that Irving Walker in my new least favorite player.

Things That Might Annoy A Duke Fan (#2) - Ask a Duke if his school is truly filled with brilliant students why is it that the most creative chant they can come up with is "Let's Go Duke!"

Take it easy,
Dave

Hopefully Humorous Rankings 2011-12 - Week1

To All,

College hoops season is finally here and there are lots of new names to learn. So, for this season's first installment of Hopefully Humorous Rankings I'll try to help familiarize you with some of the best names in the game. Just to clarify, that's the best names, not necessarily the best players.


#17 - UCLA: After giving birth to 7 children, it seemingly made sense to the parents of the Bruins junior college transfer to name him De'End Parker. But then came De'Condombroke.

#57 - St. John's: You'd think that a guy named Sir'Dominic Pointer would clearly have the best name on his team. You'd be wrong. That honor goes to God'sgift Achiuwa. Wow. And you thought your parents put pressure on you.

#84 - Duquesne: The Dukes have a freshman forward named Mamadou Datt. There is a pretty good chance that he is the only player in Div 1 hoops whose name explains his conception.

# 264 - South Dakota: The star of the Coyotes freshman class - Nimrod Hilliard. Actually that's not completely accurate. It's Nimrod Hilliard IV. That's right, he is now the 4th person to suffer with that name. Note to Nimrod: please make the pain stop with you.

Also, in case you don't know, I've written a book with comedian Paul Nardizzi called, "Things That Might Annoy . . . A Yankee Fan." We have similar books coming out soon and we're hoping "Things That Might Annoy . . . A Duke Fan" is amongst them. Each time I put up a new post I'll try to include one thing that might annoy a Duke fan. If you have any ideas, please feel free to pass them along.

Things That Might Annoy A Duke Fan: #1 - As Coach K gets closer to the all time wins record, remind a Dukie of what happened to the last college coach after he surpassed a wins record.

Take it easy,
Dave

One Sh!tty Moment - 2011

For all of you who, like me, had their brackets busted about 2 weeks ago, I give you the 2011 version of One Sh!tty Moment - interspersed within the lyrics of One Shining Moment. For the handful of you whose bracket are still intact, feel free to laugh at our pain.

ONE SH!TTY MOMENT

The ball is tipped
(The channels are flipped) 

and there you are

(It best not be far)
you're running for your life

(There’s gonna be strife)
you're a shooting star
(Wait. TruTV there you are)

And all the years
(As the Tourney nears) 

no one knows
(your bracket glows)
just how hard you worked
(but something awful lurked)
but now it shows...
(Yup, here come those woes)


IN ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(In One Sh!tty Moment)
IT'S ALL ON THE LINE

(Boeheim could only whine)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
THERE FROZEN IN TIME
 

(Morehead? Why this time?)

But time is short 

(ND blown off court)
and the road is long
(picking Duke was just wrong)

in the blinking of an eye
(Kiss Texas goodbye?!)
ah that moment's gone
(Your final four’s all but gone.”)

And when it's done
(Pitt had a game won)
win or lose
(yet they still lose)
you always did your best

(So you need all the rest)
cuz inside you knew...

(then down goes OSU)


THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
(Jimmer’s shots went wide)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE

(Bill Self wished he weren’t alive)


Feel the beat of your heart
(You went with your heart.)

feel the wind in your face
(Coach Cal shoved it in your face)

it's more than a contest

(Kemba was at his best)
it's more than a race...


(Butler made its case)

And when it's done
(Yes you’re all done)

win or lose

(You’re gonna lose)
you always did your best

(You’re nowhere near the best)
cuz inside you knew... 

(Cuz of friggin VCU)

THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(That One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED FOR THE SKY
(Just go on and cry)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU WERE WILLING TO TRY
(Maybe Women’s hoops you should try)


Take it easy,
Dave

Desperation Shots 5-7 & Who's Who is Pool

Below is another set of hopefully humorous desperation shots. Below that is a "Who's Who" of who is still alive in the pool and their potential charitable winnings.

Desperation Shot #5 - It was great that the games were on 4 different channels. That way when they cut to a commercial on CBS you could switch over to TNT. And watch a different commercial.

Desperation Shot #6 - It's is amazing that Calipari has brought Kentucky to the Final 4 in just 2 years. It'll be even more amazing when in a couple more years he makes that Final 4 appearance disappear.

Desperation Shot #7 - So after literally countless hours of watching this tournament, I can say I've only learned one thing for certain - 1993 was the year that "Whoop There It Is" was released. Or was it 1995?

POOL INFO -

We ended up with 121 entrants. 105 opted to make a contribution with the other 16 choosing to play for the Jimmy V Foundation. The total charitable pot is $2620. So, 1st place - $1,572, 2nd place $524, 3rd place $262, 4th place $144, Directly to Jimmy V - $141. Once again, those who weren't playing for Jimmy V will get their winning sent to them and, of course, are expected to forward it on to the charity of their choice.


VCU Rams beat UCONN Huskies in finals
1.Amy Young ($1,572) - The girlfriend of my neighbor Craig. At the beginning of the season he incredibly predicted the Rams would be in the Final 4. Unfortunately he was referring to his Fordham Rams, not the VCU Rams.

2.Bruce Mitnick ($524) - My friend Dr. Tony Schwagerl's brother's boss. That's right, his name is Bruce and he is "The Boss." No word on whether he was born to run.

3.Tim Humongo Dong Connors ($262) - A man who obviously has very small hands.

4.Mark Jones ($72)- A good friend of Attorney Dana Gravina who still holds out hope that someone, anyone, will respond to his advertisement on this site.

4.Mike Walsh Jr. ($72 going directly to Jimmy V) - A young man who might be wishing that his dad was a bit less charitable.


VCU Rams beat Kentucky in Finals
1.Mark Jones ($1,572) - see above

2.Kevin Florenz ($524) - A buddy from St. Bonaventure who thanks to Facebook always remembers my birthday. Maybe if I become "friends" with my wife, she'll remember my birthday too.

3.Eugene Chin ($262) - The father-in-law of a woman whose daughter went to preschool with my daughter 5 years ago. This definitely proves that I ask every person I've ever met to join this pool.

4. David Ayres ($144) - When I was a mere 18 years old I caught the garter at his wedding to the best looking girl in my neighborhood. He and all his buddies started yelling, "Go for the monkey David!" I still have no idea what that means.


UCONN wins it all.

1. Bruce Mitnick ($1,572)

2. Mike Walsh Jr ($524 - for Jimmy V)

3. Mike Walsh ($262 - playing for Jimmy V) - a friend of Attorney Jim Rogal who took a case with me all the way up to the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachussetts. For those of you who are not lawyers, the phrase "took a case" is a euphemism for "lost".

4.Amy Young ($144)


KENTUCKY wins it all

1.Mark Jones ($1,572)

2.Kevin Florenz ($524)

3.Nico Karagosian ($262 - playing for Jimmy V) - a man who has openly admitted to being a friend of "Golden Balls".

4.Eugene Chin ($144)

BUTLER beats Kentucky in Finals
1. Mark Jones ($1,572)
2. Kevin Florenz ($524)
3. Eugene Chin ($262)
4. David Ayres ($144)

BUTLER beats UConn in Finals
1. Amy Young ($1,572)
2. Bruce Mitnick ($524)
3. Tim Humongo Dong Connors ($262)
4. Mark Jones ($72)
4. Mike Walsh Jr. ($72- For Jimmy V)

Finally, thanks again to Gary Manis for collecting all of the charitable donations. And for agreeing to deal with the authorities should they refuse to believe this pool is in fact charitable.

Take it easy,
Dave

Desperation Shots 2-4

The first 2 rounds of the Tourney are now over. (Or was it 3 Rounds? Who knows.) So as promised, I give you 3 more hopefully humorous desperation shots. You might even enjoy them more than the Florida State - Notre Dame game.

Desperation Shot #2 - It's nice that CBS shows the scores of all the other games on the top of the screen. You know what would be really nice? If CBS didn't show all the scores of all the other games on the top of the screen. That way I could actually the see the game that I'm trying to watch.

Desperation Shot #3 - VCU: Vindicating Committee Unbelievably.

Desperation Shot #4 - My wife got me a shirt that says "Bracketologist". I guess she thought that the shirt that said "Super-Mega-Dork" would have been too subtle.

Take it easy,
Dave

Desperation Shot & Idiot Proof Pool Instructions

March Madness is finally here. Throughout the tournament I’ll try to post a joke or two. I’ve decided to call these “My Desperation Shots”. Below is my first heave. More importantly, below that are the Rules & Idiot Proof Instructions for joining my “sort of” free pool. Hope you are all in.

Desperation Shot: Asheville, Morehead and Belmont are the first three schools in the Tourney. Two are very fine institutions and one is the mantra of every married man.


POOL RULES

There's some BIG CHANGES from last year, so PLEASE READ through the below spew.

1.Send Money To Gary Manis at 20 Oak Street, Natick MA 01760 – I swore that this year was truly going to be the year that I came to my senses and ceased the immense hassle of running this pool. The person who convinced me to keep it going is Gary Manis. He did so by agreeing to take full responsibility for collecting all the money. Why on earth would he do so? Not sure. My guess is it has something to do with the stupor that a guy enters shortly before getting married. (His big day, to a woman wholly out of his league, is April 30th).

So, if you want to make the minimum $25 contribution/donation to this “charitable” pool, you need to make your checks out to Gary Manis and send your $ to him at 20 Oak Street, Natick MA 01760. In other words, you are not to send your dough to me. You are not to hand it to me, put it in my mailbox, or stuff it in my pants. (Though, depending on the circumstance, the later might be acceptable.)

2.No Paypal – You may recall that last year, I had a link to Paypal right above Gabe Kaplan as another means for which you could make your “charitable” contribution. You may also have noticed that is now gone. Why? Well, apparently some of you included a little note with your Paypal payment stating, “For illegal gambling” or for “Dave’s prostitution ring.” Unfortunately Paypal failed to see the obvious humor and banned me from using their services. So, once again, if you want to contribute to this “charitable” pool, you need to send your $ to Gary Manis at 20 Oak Street, Natick MA 01760.

3. Yahoo - As in the past, the pool will be run via Yahoo and in the classic "fill out the bracket" format with points doubling each round. (No points for the 4 preliminary round games.) The whole pool will be on one Yahoo site that can only hold 250 entries. You, therefore, might want to join soon to assure yourself a spot. Also IMPORTANT to note is that every year the Yahoo Tourney site temporarily crashes - usually the day after Selection Sunday and the hour before the first round starts on Thursday. Avoid this aggravation by joining soon.

I’ve thought about using other sites, but Yahoo is the only one with the Scenario Generator that allows you to enter different scenarios of teams winning upcoming games and it will generate a list of how our pool will shake out. Thus the name “Scenario Generator.” My wife thinks that I find even more enjoyment from messing around with that thing than watching the games.

4. $ prizes - 1st place: 60% of pot, 2nd place: 20% of pot, 3rd place 10% of pot, 4th place - 5% of pot, Jimmy V Foundation 5% of pot.

5. Cost - $25. Well, unless you don't care to receive any winnings. Huh? Allow me to explain.

The pot for the pool, like last year, will come from all of the contributions/donations for this site that Gary Manis receives. That's right, every penny I get I'm putting toward the pot. I'm not keeping a cent. You can also join the pool for free. (This is a nice option for those with kids who want to play, but also want to pick Asheville to win it all because they think it sounds like “Assville.”)

However, if you donate less than $25 and you finish in 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th place, your share of the winnings will be sent directly to the Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research. If you donate $25 or more and you finish in 1st, 2nd or 3rd or 4th place, your share of the winnings will be sent directly to you and you can make whatever charitable donation you see fit.

Bottom Line - if you want the winnings sent to you, donate at least $25.

6. Deadline to donate - You need to have your check in an envelope postmarked on or before March 17, 2011 if you want a shot at having a share of the winnings sent directly to you. Once again, your checks need to be made out to Gary Manis, (NOT ME) and sent to 20 Oak Street, Natick MA 01760. If you send a check with an envelope postmarked after March 17, 2011 it will go directly to the Jimmy V Foundation. Also, if you don't get an email from me thanking you for your donation, that means that Gary has not received your donation.

7.Enter With Your Actual Name - It's VERY IMPORTANT that when you create the name of your entry for our Yahoo site, you enter your actual name. Otherwise, Gary will delete you. That’s right, Gary is taking over the role of the heavy as well. It is a severe pain in the ass trying to keep track of who everyone is when people are not using their actual names. So, if your name is Keith Mangas, just create your entry name to be Keith Mangas. If you feel absolutely compelled to include some kind of nickname, as my father does, then put it in quotes between your first and last names. Got it Harold "Golden Balls" Barend? Also, if I do not know you, you must email me at dbarend@comcast.net prior to joining to let me know who you are. If there is an entry in our pool whose name I do not recognize, Gary will delete it.

8. NO Multiple Entries - 1 entry per person. BUT if you really want to submit multiple entries, then convince someone else you know to join and make the picks for that person. You might also want to try to convince that person to give you the $ if you win.

9.No Mercy For Mistakes – Last year we had 3 people who failed to pick a team to win the final game. I allowed them to stay in based on whom they claimed they meant to select. This year Gary has the dough and he will have no mercy. If for whatever reason your picks do not get entered as you hoped, you’re simply out of luck – much earlier than most. The best way to avoid this problem is to follow the below instructions and recheck your picks once you have finished.

10.Friends/Recruits - Feel free to get your friends, family members or whoever else you know to join the pool. But please make sure they realize that if they join they need to email me and let me know who they are or they will be deleted. Also, don't just forward other people the password and group id#. Make sure they get all of the rules.

12. How to Join our Yahoo group site - Though I have listed idiot proof steps to join the Yahoo site, many of you should be able to figure it out at http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1 Go to join group. The group id # is 24042. The password is moneytogary - (to remind you to send your money to Gary, not me.) Please remember that when you enter your "Bracket Name" to USE YOUR ACTUAL NAME. You also might want to remember to sign back in to the site after Sunday March 13 - so you can make your picks.

Idiot Proof instruction on joining the Yahoo Group

(1) Go to http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1. OR you can go to Yahoo, click on sport, click on fantasy, then click on Tourney Pick'em '11.

(2) Click on “Join a Group” (Not “create a group”)
(3) Click on “Join Group” (different screen from step 2)
(4) Enter your own personal Yahoo ID and Yahoo password on right side from your own personal Yahoo account. Note that these are NOT the same as the ones list below for entering our group. COMMON MISTAKE – is entering the info to join the site. Try not to make that mistake.
(5) If you do not have your own personal Yahoo account click on "Sign Up" under "Don't have a Yahoo! ID?" Otherwise, go to step (6).
(5b)Enter the requested personal info (name & your creation of an id and password, & code) on the page.
(5c) Write down your personal id and password then click on "agree" to the terms then click on “create my account”.
(5d) Click on “continue” to Yahoo Sports on right side of page.

(6) Enter our group id# 24042 and our password moneytogary . (DO Not enter your personal Yahoo id and password.) Click on “save and continue”.
(7) Enter your actual full name as your "bracket name". Please NO NICKNAMES!! Gary will delete entries that do not comply.
(8) Click on the box next to “Terms of Service”
(9) Determine whether you want to enter Yahoo's separate contest for $1mil - if so, enter the requested info and accept terms. If you don’t need the $1,000,000 then I’d say you probably could afford to donate $25 bucks to the pot.
(10) Hit submit (lower left corner) – You are now in our group.

Now you need to make your picks

(11) Click on your name in the standings. If you do not see your name, don't have a coronary. Click on "view complete standings". Ah - there it is. Now click on your name in the complete standings.
(12) You will now see an entire empty bracket - this is different and even easier to complete than last year. Just click on the team you want to win each game of each round in all 4 regions, the final four and the final game. You should make 63 total picks. (Since we don't use the score of the final game as a tie breaker, filling that in really doesn't matter.)
(13) Click on SAVE BRACKET - this may be the most important thing you do all week.
(14) Look at the left side of the screen. You should see a note near a green bar stating 63 of 63 picks made. If not, you missed some picks.
(15) Log back in sometime later to make sure you Saved your Picks – Every year someone fails to do so. Every year that person actually wanted me to allow them to enter their picks after the games had been played. So every year I'm reminded me of an episode of Cheers where Sam thought he was doing Woody a favor by not placing a ridiculous sports bet, but the long shot won. Sam then had the following conversation with Diane.

Diane: So, why don't you go to the...

Sam: Bookie.

Diane: ...bookie and tell him that you honestly intended to wager on the winning teams and see if he won't give you the money.

Sam: That's a good idea. While I'm at it why don't I just tell him that I meant to bet on all the winning teams since 1975?

If you just save your picks then we don’t have to have that same conversation.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week11 (or so)

In three weeks the NCAA tourney bracket will be revealed. Each year there are a few schools that are named after people I should know, but sadly have no idea who they are. So, in case your ignorance level approaches mine, I give you a Who’s Who of college hoops teams who may make the Tourney.

26.George Mason – One of the “Founding Fathers of The Bill of Rights” which he believed were essential to protect every individual’s freedom. Well, every individual except, of course, those he kept as slaves.

28.Xavier – St. Francis Xavier was a co-founder of the Jesuits and was credited with having converted more people to Christianity since St. Paul. He was also quite perturbed with being the second most popular St. Francis.

145. Austin Peay – Former governor of Tennessee who created the education bill that brought an 8-month school term to every county in the state. The folks in Tennessee are now waiting for a governor who will create an education bill that will bring education to every county in the state.

247. Bethune-Cookman. Mary McLeod Bethune was a civil rights activist, an educator, founded a school for girls, and counseled President Roosevelt. Alfred Cookman, well, he helped finance a building. Hmm. I hope that a certain NY real estate mogul doesn’t know this. I, for one, am not looking forward to seeing George Washington-Donald Trump University.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week9

The good news is I actually got a few emails from folks saying they loved last week's post. The bad news is I didn't put up a post last week. Below is a brand new set of 4. Hope you enjoy.

1. Ohio State –The Buckeyes have a super-frosh named Jared Sullinger. That sounds a lot like J.D Salinger. Hmm. Now I know J.D is dead (supposedly) but I wonder if they are actually the same person. Crazy? Well, I’m willing to bet that no one ever saw Sullinger and Salinger in the same room together.

9.BYU – I got swooped up in the Jimmer Fredette Mania. I even started calling myself Davider. It didn’t last long though. No, not because the Cougars lost to New Mexico. But because my friends started calling me “Der”.

26. Cincinnati –The shorts of two players for the Bearcats fell down during the game against Notre Dame. That’s a problem. Notre Dame actually has a bigger problem - half their cheerleading squad has requested to transfer to Cincinnati.

38. Tennessee – Critics claim that Brian Williams isn’t concentrating while on the court. His coaches claim that may be due to his academic pressures. Really? I’d say it’s due to the rigors of that gig he has with the NBC Nightly News.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week7

Thanks for checking out this week's handful of rankings. I guarantee they are the only set anywhere that has #18 fourth. Hope you find them humorous.


1.Duke – Yes, Duke is still #1. Similarly stunning news: the Sun came up this morning.

4.Syracuse – When I was little I used to root for the Orange. So I now like to root for one player on the team to remind me of my youth. This year it’s Russ DeRemer. He’s yet to make a shot. Definitely reminds me of my youth.

9.UConn – With the game tied and 10 seconds to go against Texas, Roscoe Smith heaved a full court shot. The announcers could not figure out why he would do something so stupid. I’d say one explanation would be that Roscoe isn’t all that bright.

18.Central Florida – Michael Jordan’s son Marcus plays for UCF. He refused to wear team ordered Adidas sneakers because he claimed his Air Jordan’s have “special meaning.” Yeah, much like my credit card has special meaning for my wife.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week6

Happy new year. Hope you enjoy the first partial rankings of 2011.

4.UConn – Try to name the two best players on UConn. You’ve got Kemba Walker and, uhh. I’d go with Kevin Ollie. Though I’m not sure you can count an assistant coach.

9.Georgetown – Austin Freeman is one of the best players in the country. He’s also a diabetic. He’s now an inspiration for kids. If Austin can make it, so can you. Well, as long as you drink lots of Coke.

22.Memphis – I think Memphis needs to change its logo. I like the vicious tiger. But it might appear a bit more intimidating if it wasn’t being impaled by the letter “M”.

128. Virginia – Mustapha Farrakhan has made some big changes in hopes of having a great senior year. The most important being his decision that come game time he’ll no longer wear a bow tie.

Take it easy,
Dave