Week 13 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings is below. You will enjoy this immensely unless you don’t.
Top 10
1.Kansas – The Jayhawks beat Missouri in what Kansas calls “The Border Showdown”. I guess they don’t consider their games with Colorado, Nebraska and Oklahoma to be showdowns. Or, more likely, they don’t realize that they also border those states.
2.Villanova – Coach Jay Wright was once an administrative assistant with the USFL’s Philadelphia Stars. Great stepping-stone for a career coaching football, not basketball. But then again, Villanova is in the Big East.
3.Kentucky – Though DeMarcus Cousins had 16 points in a game last week it really doesn’t make him stand out on Kentucky. He also chipped two teeth in that game. And that doesn’t really make him stand out in Kentucky.
4.Syracuse – Say what you will about Jim Boeheim but . . . Actually, no but, just go ahead and say what you will about Boehiem.
5.Michigan State – Michigan State almost chose the nickname the Staters over the Spartans. The Michigan State Staters? Actually that would have been great. It would have made my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies seem much less pathetic.
6.Texas – After losing two in a row, Longhorns’ Coach Rick Barnes was asked what his team needed to do to start winning. His response: “More execution.” Huh. Isn’t that also the motto for the state of Texas?
7.Duke – The folks at Clemson’s Littlejohn Coliseum had to be a bit displeased with the Tiger’s blowout loss to the Dukies. And even more displeased when Dick Vitale perpetually referred to their arena as “The John”.
8.Gonzaga – 7’5” Will Foster has been averaging a little less than 7.5 minutes per game. That leads to a unique average time playing of about 1 min per foot. His coaches think he could easily double his time by working on his mobility. Either that or just grow another 7 feet 5 inches.
9. BYU – Some find it surprising that Center Chris Miles is married and has a daughter. Others find it surprising that he only has one wife.
10. Georgetown – Digger Phelps thinks that the Hoyas may be the best team in the Big East. That is hilarious. No, not that Georgetown could be that good. But that after all these years Digger is still trying to think.
As always, next set of Rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Friday, January 29, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 12
A buddy of mine informed me that someone else in the blog-o-sphere crafts a similar top 10 rankings with comments, but doesn’t attempt to be funny. Well I guess that’s a positive – I mean, that my buddy can actually tell that I’m attempting to be funny.
Week 12 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings are below. Enjoy.
Top 10
1.Kentucky – At CoachCal.com you can buy a shirt that has a picture on it of one of Calipari’s ties. The perfect gift for someone who wants to pretend to be the coach of UK but can’t afford a tie. Which is pretty much everyone in Kentucky.
2.Texas. In their win over Texas A&M this past week, the Longhorns shot a miserable 56% from the line and missed 3 lay-ups in the last 3 seconds of regulation. Little did I realize that I have the skills to play for Texas.
3.Kansas – The “Rock Chalk Jayhawk” chant was crafted by an English professor. So apparently KU’s English Department doesn’t place much importance on coherent speech.
4.Syracuse – The Orange just beat the Fighting Irish in ND’s new Purcell Pavilion. They named their newly refurbished arena after Morgan Stanley’s former CEO, Phillip Purcell. That makes sense. Because nobody exemplifies Christian values like an investment banker.
5.Villanova – I'm hoping the Wildcats’ upcoming game against Cincinnati is televised. Not that I really care about either team. It’s just that my pre-season guide says Cincy is coached by Mick Cronin. But every time I see them on TV, I swear they’re being coached by Scott Hamilton.
6.Duke – Coach Krzyzewski has thrown his support behind expanding the NCAA Tourney to 96 teams, which should be more than enough reason for everyone else to be against it.
7.Tennessee –Tennessee’s orange and white jerseys have led opposing fans to call the players “creamsicles”. I think the Vols should embrace that creamsicle moniker. It’s much better than the actual origin of those colors. According to UT’s website, the colors represent a little flower that grew on campus called- the daisy.
8.Kansas State – Denis Clement became a YouTube sensation due to his incredible trick shot. He threw a ball at KSU’s center court scoreboard, which then bounced off the floor and through the hoop. Amazing, but I think he can top it. To do so will require a little letter: “Dear Jerry Jones. You know that Jumbotron you bought for $42 million? Can I throw my ball at it?”
9.Gonzaga – I think I finally get it now. It’s not Gon-zah-ga, it’s Gon-ZAG-a. And it’s not Cin-der-ella, it’s O-ver-rated.
10.West Virginia – Guard Casey Mitchell actually dropped out of high school at one point to help with his mom’s cancer. His mom eventually convinced him that he should return because he needed an education. And she needed an oncologist.
As always, next set of Rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Week 12 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings are below. Enjoy.
Top 10
1.Kentucky – At CoachCal.com you can buy a shirt that has a picture on it of one of Calipari’s ties. The perfect gift for someone who wants to pretend to be the coach of UK but can’t afford a tie. Which is pretty much everyone in Kentucky.
2.Texas. In their win over Texas A&M this past week, the Longhorns shot a miserable 56% from the line and missed 3 lay-ups in the last 3 seconds of regulation. Little did I realize that I have the skills to play for Texas.
3.Kansas – The “Rock Chalk Jayhawk” chant was crafted by an English professor. So apparently KU’s English Department doesn’t place much importance on coherent speech.
4.Syracuse – The Orange just beat the Fighting Irish in ND’s new Purcell Pavilion. They named their newly refurbished arena after Morgan Stanley’s former CEO, Phillip Purcell. That makes sense. Because nobody exemplifies Christian values like an investment banker.
5.Villanova – I'm hoping the Wildcats’ upcoming game against Cincinnati is televised. Not that I really care about either team. It’s just that my pre-season guide says Cincy is coached by Mick Cronin. But every time I see them on TV, I swear they’re being coached by Scott Hamilton.
6.Duke – Coach Krzyzewski has thrown his support behind expanding the NCAA Tourney to 96 teams, which should be more than enough reason for everyone else to be against it.
7.Tennessee –Tennessee’s orange and white jerseys have led opposing fans to call the players “creamsicles”. I think the Vols should embrace that creamsicle moniker. It’s much better than the actual origin of those colors. According to UT’s website, the colors represent a little flower that grew on campus called- the daisy.
8.Kansas State – Denis Clement became a YouTube sensation due to his incredible trick shot. He threw a ball at KSU’s center court scoreboard, which then bounced off the floor and through the hoop. Amazing, but I think he can top it. To do so will require a little letter: “Dear Jerry Jones. You know that Jumbotron you bought for $42 million? Can I throw my ball at it?”
9.Gonzaga – I think I finally get it now. It’s not Gon-zah-ga, it’s Gon-ZAG-a. And it’s not Cin-der-ella, it’s O-ver-rated.
10.West Virginia – Guard Casey Mitchell actually dropped out of high school at one point to help with his mom’s cancer. His mom eventually convinced him that he should return because he needed an education. And she needed an oncologist.
As always, next set of Rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Friday, January 15, 2010
Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 11
Less than 2 months till Selection Sunday. And if the NCAA increases the Tourney to 96 teams the selection show might just take 2 months. Week 11’s Hopefully Humorous Rankings is below.
Top 10
1.Texas –Avery Bradley was a McDonalds All-American, a Jordan All-American and an ESPN top 100 recruit. Impressive. Yet when he got to Texas he took #0 to remind himself that he hadn’t really accomplished anything. Made me think about putting a zero on my vintage St. Bonaventure University jersey to remind me of my lack of accomplishments. Or I could just look at the emblazoned “St. Bonaventure”.
2.Kansas – I swear that when I watch Cole Aldrich play he always seems to have half his mouth guard hanging out. Though I guess he could just be in desperate need of some major orthodontic work.
3.Kentucky - Coach Cal is credited with perfecting the “dribble drive”. Similarly, I deserve credit for perfecting the “non-dribble drive” during my stellar CYO career. Unfortunately, people didn’t call it the “non-dribble drive”. They just called it traveling.
4.Villanova – Mauphatou Yarou contracted Hepatitis, but has not lost a single pound. Great. So now it’s back to cutting carbs, when I thought all I had to do was get Hepatitis.
5.Syracuse – Basketball Times recently labeled Jim Boeheim as the “Nostradamus of the Hardcourt.” I’d say that makes sense. Much like Nostradamus, Boeheim has duped many people into believing that he knows what he’s talking about.
6.Purdue – The Boilermakers suffered their first loss this past week to Wisconsin. The Badgers might have suffered a bigger loss when Jon Lever, their #1 rebounder and #2 scorer, broke his wrist. Though likely out for the season, he was quoted as saying, “I plan on being as big a part of this team as ever.” And I always thought rebounding and scoring were big parts of a basketball team.
7.Duke – There is an autographed photo of Jay Bilas being auctioned on Duke’s homepage. Yes, that in itself should be sufficiently humorous. But for those of you who have the Doug Gottlieb photo, you can now complete your set of people who have inexplicably parlayed marginal college basketball careers, into jobs as ESPN analysts.
8.Michigan State – I used to love watching hoops with a bunch of buddies. Now, I watch the games with my wife and 2 daughters – a vastly different experience. How so? Well, this past week I was forced to engage in the following debate: Was MSU’s arena, the Breslin Center, named after Jack Breslin a former stellar athlete. Or, was it named after Abigail Breslin, the star of “Kit Kittredge – American Girl.”
9. West Virginia – Joe Mazulla currently starts for the Mountaineers even though he is injured and cannot raise his left arm above his head. Tells you that Mazulla is pretty good. Then again, it might just tell you that his back-up stinks.
10. Tennessee – Last week 4 guys on UT got arrested. The remaining players then won two straight, including a victory over then #1 ranked Kansas. Folks at Tennessee are now convinced that the team is better without those 4 guys. They might even have a shot at winning the Tournament. They just need to have a few more guys get arrested.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Top 10
1.Texas –Avery Bradley was a McDonalds All-American, a Jordan All-American and an ESPN top 100 recruit. Impressive. Yet when he got to Texas he took #0 to remind himself that he hadn’t really accomplished anything. Made me think about putting a zero on my vintage St. Bonaventure University jersey to remind me of my lack of accomplishments. Or I could just look at the emblazoned “St. Bonaventure”.
2.Kansas – I swear that when I watch Cole Aldrich play he always seems to have half his mouth guard hanging out. Though I guess he could just be in desperate need of some major orthodontic work.
3.Kentucky - Coach Cal is credited with perfecting the “dribble drive”. Similarly, I deserve credit for perfecting the “non-dribble drive” during my stellar CYO career. Unfortunately, people didn’t call it the “non-dribble drive”. They just called it traveling.
4.Villanova – Mauphatou Yarou contracted Hepatitis, but has not lost a single pound. Great. So now it’s back to cutting carbs, when I thought all I had to do was get Hepatitis.
5.Syracuse – Basketball Times recently labeled Jim Boeheim as the “Nostradamus of the Hardcourt.” I’d say that makes sense. Much like Nostradamus, Boeheim has duped many people into believing that he knows what he’s talking about.
6.Purdue – The Boilermakers suffered their first loss this past week to Wisconsin. The Badgers might have suffered a bigger loss when Jon Lever, their #1 rebounder and #2 scorer, broke his wrist. Though likely out for the season, he was quoted as saying, “I plan on being as big a part of this team as ever.” And I always thought rebounding and scoring were big parts of a basketball team.
7.Duke – There is an autographed photo of Jay Bilas being auctioned on Duke’s homepage. Yes, that in itself should be sufficiently humorous. But for those of you who have the Doug Gottlieb photo, you can now complete your set of people who have inexplicably parlayed marginal college basketball careers, into jobs as ESPN analysts.
8.Michigan State – I used to love watching hoops with a bunch of buddies. Now, I watch the games with my wife and 2 daughters – a vastly different experience. How so? Well, this past week I was forced to engage in the following debate: Was MSU’s arena, the Breslin Center, named after Jack Breslin a former stellar athlete. Or, was it named after Abigail Breslin, the star of “Kit Kittredge – American Girl.”
9. West Virginia – Joe Mazulla currently starts for the Mountaineers even though he is injured and cannot raise his left arm above his head. Tells you that Mazulla is pretty good. Then again, it might just tell you that his back-up stinks.
10. Tennessee – Last week 4 guys on UT got arrested. The remaining players then won two straight, including a victory over then #1 ranked Kansas. Folks at Tennessee are now convinced that the team is better without those 4 guys. They might even have a shot at winning the Tournament. They just need to have a few more guys get arrested.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Friday, January 8, 2010
Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 10
Week 10 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings is below. So let’s see. 10 weeks times 10 jokes per week is just about 100 jokes. That equals 1 joke per each of my 100 regular readers – if I actually had 100 regular readers.
Top 10
1.Kansas - The Jayhawks should have an easy time beating Tennessee this week given that 4 Volunteer players are currently seeing more time behind bars than on the court. This past week cops pulled over a rental car that contained 4 guys on UT, as well as a couple of guns and some weed. How can that happen? Seriously, how do 4 people ranging from 6’0” to 6’10” fit in the same car?
2.Texas - When asked about freshman walk-on Dean Malchionni, Longhorns Assistant Coach Chris Ogden said, "His voice is going to be one of his biggest strengths on the team." In other words, Dean can’t shoot, pass or dribble to save his life, but he’s the go-to-guy at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru.
3.Kentucky – During the UK-Louisville game, Coach Cal wore a checkered tie. It really didn’t seem to match his suit. But it did match his past.
4.Purdue – I just learned that the Boilermaker’s mascot is named “Purdue Pete”. Couldn’t they just call him Pete? I’d say the Purdue part is pretty obvious from the big P on his hat. And from the word Purdue on his chest.
5.Duke - Miles Plumlee is a sophomore at Duke. Mason Plumlee is a freshman. So, this begs the question, could the Plumlee parents possibly have come up with more prep school-perfect names starting with M? Answer: yes. Miles and Mason have a younger brother named Madison.
6.Villanova – Edward Hunsinger, an All-American at Notre Dame and know as the Little General of the Four Horsemen, came up with Villanova’s nickname of the Wildcats during his time as an assistant coach. Though I’m sure he appreciates the credit, I bet he wishes the school went with his first choice - “The Notre Dame Rejects.”
7.Syracuse – Two years ago Wes Johnson had an amazing year while playing for Iowa State. He was rated the #2 freshman in the Big 12. He then opted to sit out a whole year so he could transfer to SU. Why? Nobody really knows. Such irrationality should have prompted testing by the NCAA. No, not for drug use. But to see if Wes is actually a woman.
8. West Virginia - Just be before New Year’s Day, a lawyer from Tennessee donated one million dollars to the WV basketball team. Folks at UT think he should have given the money to his hometown team. Guess he figured the dough wouldn’t help the Vols all that much, as it would barely cover a year’s worth of bail.
9. North Carolina – The Tar Heels lost a nail biter to the College of Charleston this week. Somehow the Cougar’s coach, Bobby Cremins, remained calm throughout the whole game. He was so relaxed that I actually think I saw one of his hairs turn black.
10 Kansas State – With a mere four splashes of purple, the folks at Kansas State were able to (1) create a Wildcat logo and (2) deal with the team’s myriad psych issues with a readily available Rorschach test.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Top 10
1.Kansas - The Jayhawks should have an easy time beating Tennessee this week given that 4 Volunteer players are currently seeing more time behind bars than on the court. This past week cops pulled over a rental car that contained 4 guys on UT, as well as a couple of guns and some weed. How can that happen? Seriously, how do 4 people ranging from 6’0” to 6’10” fit in the same car?
2.Texas - When asked about freshman walk-on Dean Malchionni, Longhorns Assistant Coach Chris Ogden said, "His voice is going to be one of his biggest strengths on the team." In other words, Dean can’t shoot, pass or dribble to save his life, but he’s the go-to-guy at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru.
3.Kentucky – During the UK-Louisville game, Coach Cal wore a checkered tie. It really didn’t seem to match his suit. But it did match his past.
4.Purdue – I just learned that the Boilermaker’s mascot is named “Purdue Pete”. Couldn’t they just call him Pete? I’d say the Purdue part is pretty obvious from the big P on his hat. And from the word Purdue on his chest.
5.Duke - Miles Plumlee is a sophomore at Duke. Mason Plumlee is a freshman. So, this begs the question, could the Plumlee parents possibly have come up with more prep school-perfect names starting with M? Answer: yes. Miles and Mason have a younger brother named Madison.
6.Villanova – Edward Hunsinger, an All-American at Notre Dame and know as the Little General of the Four Horsemen, came up with Villanova’s nickname of the Wildcats during his time as an assistant coach. Though I’m sure he appreciates the credit, I bet he wishes the school went with his first choice - “The Notre Dame Rejects.”
7.Syracuse – Two years ago Wes Johnson had an amazing year while playing for Iowa State. He was rated the #2 freshman in the Big 12. He then opted to sit out a whole year so he could transfer to SU. Why? Nobody really knows. Such irrationality should have prompted testing by the NCAA. No, not for drug use. But to see if Wes is actually a woman.
8. West Virginia - Just be before New Year’s Day, a lawyer from Tennessee donated one million dollars to the WV basketball team. Folks at UT think he should have given the money to his hometown team. Guess he figured the dough wouldn’t help the Vols all that much, as it would barely cover a year’s worth of bail.
9. North Carolina – The Tar Heels lost a nail biter to the College of Charleston this week. Somehow the Cougar’s coach, Bobby Cremins, remained calm throughout the whole game. He was so relaxed that I actually think I saw one of his hairs turn black.
10 Kansas State – With a mere four splashes of purple, the folks at Kansas State were able to (1) create a Wildcat logo and (2) deal with the team’s myriad psych issues with a readily available Rorschach test.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Friday, January 1, 2010
Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 9
Week 9 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings is below. I guarantee that you will laugh – either at the jokes or at the fact that I actually think they are jokes.
Top 10
1.Kansas – In 1988, KU students made a banner out of a shower curtain that read, “Pay Heed”. It hung in Allen Fieldhouse for ten years until the administration decided that it didn’t portray the correct image. Apparently the school didn’t want people thinking that folks in Kansas showered.
2.Texas – The Longhorns’ bench is so deep that announcers are running out of things to compare it to. Here are a few of my suggestions: (1) The Longhorns’ bench is deeper than a conversation with Rick Warren. (2) The Longhorns’ bench is deeper than the pockets of a Goldman Sach’s exec. And (3) The Longhorns’ bench is deeper than the throat of Lindsay Lohan.
3.Kentucky – Wildcats became the school’s nickname back in the early 1900s when Commandant Carbusier, the head of UK’s military department, informed the team that they had “fought like a bunch of wildcats.” I guess that was pretty memorable – at least more so than the time Commandant Carbusier told the team that they “fought like a bunch of pussies.”
4.Purdue - E’Twan Moore had a great game this past week. Afterwards he downed some Reese’s Pieces and phoned home.
5.Syracuse – The Orange finally had a true road game last week when they had to travel to Jersey to play the Seton Hall Pirates. Pirates in New Jersey? Must be a euphemism. It would be too obvious if the school was called the Seton Hall Mafia.
6.West Virginia – With 3 of their last 4 games coming down to the final seconds, Mountaineer fans have surely been getting their money’s worth from their tickets. And Coach Huggins has surely been getting his money’s worth from his defibrillator.
7.Duke – An article at goduke.com hyped the Dukies “big” win over Long Beach State by noting that the 49’ers have faced Notre Dame, Texas and West Virginia this season. The article opted not to mention that Long Beach lost to each of those teams by over 20 points.
8.Villanova – Just like Kentucky, Villanova’s nickname is the Wildcats. Back in the 70s though, its women’s team was called the Wild-kittens. They opted to change that when fans became disappointed when the women started playing basketball – and not stripping.
9.North Carolina – Roy Williams has been coaching all season with his arm in a sling. Big deal. This fall Rick Pitino’s wife found out about his tawdry tryst. Since then he’s been coaching with his ass in a sling.
10. Connecticut - Senior Stanley Robinson, was recently quoted as saying, "I feel like it is going to take a little time for us to get together and start playing basketball.” I would suspect this would result in one of two reactions by Huskie fans: 1) Severe Aggravation – with the fact that it’s now 7 weeks into the season and the team is just thinking about getting its act together. OR 2) Severe Amazement – with the fact that the team has just two losses despite not even knowing what sport it was playing.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday
Happy New Year!
Dave
Top 10
1.Kansas – In 1988, KU students made a banner out of a shower curtain that read, “Pay Heed”. It hung in Allen Fieldhouse for ten years until the administration decided that it didn’t portray the correct image. Apparently the school didn’t want people thinking that folks in Kansas showered.
2.Texas – The Longhorns’ bench is so deep that announcers are running out of things to compare it to. Here are a few of my suggestions: (1) The Longhorns’ bench is deeper than a conversation with Rick Warren. (2) The Longhorns’ bench is deeper than the pockets of a Goldman Sach’s exec. And (3) The Longhorns’ bench is deeper than the throat of Lindsay Lohan.
3.Kentucky – Wildcats became the school’s nickname back in the early 1900s when Commandant Carbusier, the head of UK’s military department, informed the team that they had “fought like a bunch of wildcats.” I guess that was pretty memorable – at least more so than the time Commandant Carbusier told the team that they “fought like a bunch of pussies.”
4.Purdue - E’Twan Moore had a great game this past week. Afterwards he downed some Reese’s Pieces and phoned home.
5.Syracuse – The Orange finally had a true road game last week when they had to travel to Jersey to play the Seton Hall Pirates. Pirates in New Jersey? Must be a euphemism. It would be too obvious if the school was called the Seton Hall Mafia.
6.West Virginia – With 3 of their last 4 games coming down to the final seconds, Mountaineer fans have surely been getting their money’s worth from their tickets. And Coach Huggins has surely been getting his money’s worth from his defibrillator.
7.Duke – An article at goduke.com hyped the Dukies “big” win over Long Beach State by noting that the 49’ers have faced Notre Dame, Texas and West Virginia this season. The article opted not to mention that Long Beach lost to each of those teams by over 20 points.
8.Villanova – Just like Kentucky, Villanova’s nickname is the Wildcats. Back in the 70s though, its women’s team was called the Wild-kittens. They opted to change that when fans became disappointed when the women started playing basketball – and not stripping.
9.North Carolina – Roy Williams has been coaching all season with his arm in a sling. Big deal. This fall Rick Pitino’s wife found out about his tawdry tryst. Since then he’s been coaching with his ass in a sling.
10. Connecticut - Senior Stanley Robinson, was recently quoted as saying, "I feel like it is going to take a little time for us to get together and start playing basketball.” I would suspect this would result in one of two reactions by Huskie fans: 1) Severe Aggravation – with the fact that it’s now 7 weeks into the season and the team is just thinking about getting its act together. OR 2) Severe Amazement – with the fact that the team has just two losses despite not even knowing what sport it was playing.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday
Happy New Year!
Dave
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