Rant 18: Letter to Binghamton Coach Broadus

Dear Binghamton Bearcats Coach Kevin Broadus,

Congratulations on a fantastic season. Everyone was rooting for your Bearcats to upset Duke. Well, except there’s this friend of a friend of a friend named Big Louie who knows “a guy”. He was all too happy to collect my money after the loss.

Now it’s time to recruit for next season and I'd like to help. You should take a look at this Rochester all-star who received an offer from my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies. He turned them down and joined the Army. Rumor has it that while touring the campus he looked at the women and thought, “Yikes. I might as well be in the Army.”

After his stint, he played JuCo ball then transferred to the University of Buffalo. All signs pointed to that being his break out year. The signs were off a bit. He didn’t break out. He broke his leg.

He then finished two years of courses in 2 semesters, graduated, and moved to – brace yourself- Binghamton. That’s right this guy’s in your backyard. And he’s been there for a while. A long while. See, he’s 70 years old. Actually, on Monday he’ll be 71. He’s also my dad.

His name is Harold Barend. People call him “Golden Balls”. And by “people” I mean himself and his urologist.

You can feel free to call him whatever you want. But I’d suggest you call him soon. Tomorrow I’m sending a similar letter to Boeheim.

Here’s how he can help:

Foul Shooting – Though your squad had a stellar season, its free throw shooting was a mere 66%. Add my dad and that goes up substantially. His personal best is 19 in a row. Nothing to brag about? Let me clarify. That’s 19 in a row - with his eyes closed. Yeah, my dad was “money” before Vince Vaughn was sperm.

3-Point Shooting – Michael Jordan once said that if there was one person whom he would want to take a shot with the game on the line it would be Steve Kerr. Michael Jordan never met my dad.

I remember a game of 2 on 2 - me and my dad versus a guy named Kurt and his brother. Kurt was that rare person who was both a dick and an ass.

Game was up to 7 with winners’ outs. Dad drained 6 in a row behind the line. I did my part by grabbing 6 rebounds. Well, that’s if you consider a rebound catching the ball as it goes through the net.

Dick-ass and his brother then decided to double-team my dad. A move that they might have wanted to consider about 4 points earlier. Dad makes a bounce pass through the legs of Dick-ass. But the ball connected with a couple of other balls – those belonging to Dick-ass. With all 3 balls in his hands, he said, “You’re done now!” That would have come off a lot tougher if he didn’t sound like Michael Jackson.

Dad grabbed the ball right out of the hands of Dick-ass. He threw it, no, not to me, but directly at the forehead of the brother. Ball bounces right back to dad as bro is staggered. (Just to be clear, the ball my dad grabbed was the non-swollen one.)

Then the pass comes to me. Easy lay-up. Which I missed. I managed to grab the rebound and promptly threw it, no, not in the hoop, but back to my dad who drained another 20 footer. I guess that final play proves that although I may have none of my dad’s athletic ability, I did inherit something from him - intelligence.

Hook Shots – That’s right, the old man still shoots the hook. Question; Who the hell throws the hook shot any more? Answer: That’s a stupid question. Better Question: Who the hell can defend a hook shot any more? Answer: Pretty much nobody. It’s essentially indefensible. I’m not sure, but I’d say being unstoppable would make one a pretty good offensive weapon.

Impeccable Defense – In the hundreds of games of basketball I’ve played with my dad, he’s never committed a foul. Just ask him. Somehow he manages to avoid fouling while simultaneously causing his opponents black eyes, bloody noses and severe groin pain.

I recall one time he “charged” into me so hard that he knocked me off the driveway, and onto our fence. Lucky for me, the fence was not “picket” style. After coming to, I grabbed the ball – and just tossed it to him. Obvious blocking foul on me.

A buddy of mine was once convinced that my dad had fouled him. He had pretty strong evidence too - in my dad’s hand was a piece of his shirt. The call - foul on my friend for throwing a moving pick. “If you weren’t moving I wouldn’t have ripped your shirt.” You just can’t argue with that logic.

Toughness – You don’t get much tougher than a cancer survivor and my dad kicked that disease’s butt. Somewhat appropriate given that it tried to nip him in the prostate. He also claims that he beat Anthrax. Yeah, there’s not really any medical proof of that. And, honestly, my sisters and I would prefer he keep that alleged conquest to himself.


Now, if this story about a guy in his 70s trying to play college ball seems familiar then you might be thinking of Ken Mink. This past year he was on the team at Roane State Junior College – until he flunked out. That’s not going to happen with Golden Balls. We’re talking about a guy who spends an hour a day memorizing the dictionary. No, he’s not one of those dorks who does that just to act pretentious. He does it to better his game – his Scrabble game. Yeah, he’s one of “those” dorks.

But say you’re on the bus cruising down beautiful Route 88 after a battle with Albany. While kicking back trying to finish a crossword, you’re stuck trying to come up with a six-letter word for the wool of the underbelly of an ox. I’m guessing your average 19 year old will be of no help. Pose that question to my dad and in a heartbeat he’ll give you, “qiviut.” Up his per-diem and he’ll give you the etymology as well.

Here’s some other positives about having my dad on your team:

1.No Drug Issues – Well, unless you count Viagra. I’m not sure if that counts as a performance enhancing drug.

2.No Over Sleeping – He’s 71. He’s up at 4am like the rest of Geritol Nation.

3.No Incessant Texting – My dad has not quite mastered texting. Heck, he still hasn’t figured out that you can talk into a cell phone without moving it down from your ear to your mouth.

4.No Mouth Guard Expense – Once again, he’s 71. Though your budget for Fix-A-Dent may go up a bit.

While you hopefully have found this entertaining, I’m guessing you’re thinking, “Come on, can your dad really still play?” Well he has a drawer full of medals and awards from the World Senior Games and the Senior Olympics. A couple years ago he won a silver at the Empire State Games. The team photo shows 6 guys smiling and 1 with a big puss – my dad. “No Gold. No Glory.”

But we’re talking Div1 here not the AARP league. No chance he can compete, right? Maybe. But all I’m asking is you see for yourself. Have him over for a little one on one against your 12th man. Oh, and if you could contact me before it starts I’d really appreciate it. I’d like to call that friend of a friend of a friend so I can win my $ back from the Duke game.

Take it easy,
Dave Barend

Postscript -
Yes, I actually did send this to Coach Broadus. I’m hoping you will further encourage him to give my dad a tryout by dropping him a line at kbroadus@binghamton.edu. Just say something like “Let Golden Balls play.” Or, if you’d just like to wish my dad a happy birthday you can do so at haroldbarend@yahoo.com.

Happy #71 Dad.

Take it easy,
Dave

“FREE” NCAA POOL INFO

Combined Standings after Round 3/Day1 (Group name/champ-runner up-rest of final 4)


1.Ernie Barton (GroupA/UNC-Memphis-Louis-Pitt) - 68
2.Jack Mangas (Group1A/UCONN-UNC-Louis-Duke) – 66
2.Jennifer Maiona (Group1/OKLA-Lois-Pitt - Missouri) - 66
4.Tina Hurley (Group1/UNC-Louis-Pitt-UConn)-65
4.Tara Kenyon (GroupA/PITT-Louis-Uconn-UNC) - 65
4.Jean Orjeula (Group1A/UNC-Louis-Memphis - Villanova) - 65
7.Sara Barend(Group1/UCONN- UNC-Mich.St.- Vill) - 64
7.Molly McQueen (GroupA/UCONN-UNC-Pitt- WF) - 64
7.Ken Capprell (Group1/PITT-UConn-Louis-SU) - 64
7.Dan Simonds (GroupA/SU-Louis-UConn - Pitt) - 64
7.Robin Hughes (Group1A/(UNC-Uconn-Louis-Pitt) - 64
12.Sally "Dave's Mom" Thorne (Group1/LOUIS-Okl-Memp-Vill) - 63
12.Bruce Nickles (GroupA/LOUIS-Unc-Uconn-Pitt) - 63
12.Joe Carbone (GroupA/LOUIS-UNC-Pitt-Memphis) - 63
12.Dave Ison (Group1A/Louis-UNC-Vill-Memphis) - 63

There are 58 entries in each group. I’m “in” all 3, but I only submitted picks in Group1.

If you want any additional info about anyone’s picks who is not in your group, just email me.

As of now the pot, made up of all my advertising profits and donations, stands at $2,550

So, at this point –
1st place = $1,600
2 Winners of groups (other than the first place overall) - $300 each
“Wild Card” (person with highest score who did not win a group) - $300
Jimmy V Foundation = $50

If you have not donated yet, you can still do so via the Paypal link above. If any more $ comes in I’ll continue to adjust the breakdown accordingly.

Take it easy,
Dave