Rant#6: Whose 3-Point Line Is It Anyway?

The NCAA had two ready-made options when it decided to change the 3-point line: the NBA 3-point line or the international line. My choice was the NBA line because it had the added benefit of no longer having to hear announcers say, “Wow that shot was from NBA range.”

They instead decided to create a brand new line. That’s kind of like needing some butter and despite having 3 tubs in your fridge, you choose the wholly nonsensical option of pretending you’re Amish and making your own. (After about 16 hours of churning you can name it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Yet”.)

As for the old 3-point line, my views are mixed. Growing up we had a 3-point line on my driveway. My friends and I would take running leaps from behind the arc in hopes of making a finger roll 3-pointer. I miraculously made it once. Immediately I thought of George Gervin’s Nike ad and proclaimed myself the Ice Man. ‘Cause “If there’s one thing I could do it was finger roll.” My friends opted to call me Putz.

Then there was the time that my dad left his Chrysler Cordoba “T-top” convertible parked in the driveway. But we still wanted to attempt our 3-point finger rolls. What to do? Idea: leap over the Cordoba with the assistance of – a ladder. Sadly, nobody said “bad idea.”

I climbed up and put myself in Michael Jordan stance: One leg extended out with the ball in the hand of an outreached arm. Yeah, just like MJ. As I attempted to push off from the top step with my other foot, I looked down and thought that it might have been nice if one of my friends was holding this ladder. See, I didn’t really push off as much as I pushed away – the ladder that is. So instead of commencing my flight, I simply plummeted - right toward the “T-top”. I then began to rue the decision to attempt this maneuver in Jordan’s open legs style.

Lucky for the Cordoba, I was a mere 90 pounds. Lucky for me, I wouldn’t need to use my testicles for the next decade.

The crash also resulted in a laceration to my leg. Somehow there were no bloodstains. Apparently fine Corinthian leather is quite absorbent. Wonder if Ricardo Montalban knows that?

The new 3-point line was, however, created by men even more stupid than me. They actually implemented it without consent from women’s basketball. Why was that such a stupid mistake, you single guys ask? Because as every married guy would agree, you never ever make a major decision without consulting the woman of the house. “But that doesn’t make sense.” Ahh, and there you have the essence of woman – senselessness. Men are stupid. Women are irrational. Put them together and what have you got? Two damn 3-point lines on the same basketball court.

This has caused great confusion. Especially to the geniuses calling the games on TV. “Abrams hits a 3 to tie it up!!! Wait, which line is it? We’re going to have to check with the replay – again.” Maybe it’s my superior intellect, but I’m actually capable of remembering that the line further away is the men’s.

To me the real problem is the agitation I feel when I see the two lines. Allow me to explain. When a football fan goes to watch a game and sees the field covered with lines from the previous night’s soccer match, he experiences a near uncontrollable urge to go on a soccer ball puncturing rampage. That’s exactly what happens to college basketball fans when they are unnecessarily annoyed by the high definition vision of a women’s 3-point line on a TV purchased solely to watch men’s hoop.

Yes ladies, it really all goes back to the whole “men are stupid” thing. Here are a few suggestions as to how to fix this situation.

1.Move The Women’s 3-Point line to the New Men’s Line. Listen women. I know you want your own game. But you have your own shot clock, your own ball and now your own 3-point line. How many changes can be made to a game and you’re still able to call it the same game? I don’t claim my two-year old is playing chess when she chews on a rook and shoves a pawn up her nose.

2.Convince The Men To Go Back To The Old 3-Point Line. Since we’re dealing with walking hormones like Larry Eustachy, Jim Boeheim and Rick Majerus, I’d say this could be accomplished by taping your feminine wiles. But I kind of get the feeling that flirting with men is not the forte of women hoopsters.

So I suggest you just allege a Title IX violation. How could anyone be convinced that having different 3-point lines is unfair to women? I’d say use the same tactic you used to convince people that giving more athletic scholarships to men is unfair. That was truly an impressive piece of persuasion. In comparison, this can’t be any harder than, say, convincing a guy to look at porn.

3.Use Removable Tape for The Women’s 3-point Line. And then, most importantly, take it off. Yeah I realize it might not look good, but does that really matter ‘cause, well, to be brutally honest – nobody’s watching anyway. I mean, come on, the only people tuning into women’s basketball are relatives of players, friends of players, and a bunch of drunken guys trying to figure out why Tyler Hansbrough has boobs.

Whatever solution you come up with ladies, the point to remember is that women’s basketball, like soccer, is something that men almost never think about. But when we do, we find it wholly annoying. Your goal, therefore, is to keep us from thinking – not too hard of a task because, as I’ve mentioned, we are the stupid gender.

Take it easy,
Dave

(New rankings to be posted on Christmas Day. If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week please email by Christmas Eve at DaveBarend@yahoo.com.)