Rant#5 Death To Foul Shots

I hate foul shots and I am advocating for their removal. There is, however, a bit of irony to my anti-foul shot stance. Two of my non-miserable childhood memories involve foul shots.

The first was when my dad/coach was getting on my junior high team for not being able to, in his words, “make a single damn foul shot.” One of my teammates said, “Let’s see you make one, Coach.” Got to say I was prepping to be embarrassed. But Pops steps to the line and sinks 19 in a row – with his eyes closed. That simultaneously impressed the whole squad and sapped our last bit of self-esteem. When an old man drains ‘em without looking and your Rick Berry attempts don’t even hit the rim, that’s depressing.

Then there’s the big shots I made on my JV CYO team. JV CYO? Yes, there actually was a JV CYO team. I played for Our Lady Of Sorrows Church. A perfect name for our 2-12 team. I remember clearly because it’s where my basketball career pinnacled.

It’s the last game of the year and I’m in only because everyone on the bench has fouled out – including the kid with mono. I get fouled with no time left and go to the line for 2. The first shot rattles in and the cheerleaders go nuts. Cheerleaders? Yes, we really had cheerleaders for the JV CYO team. They start chanting “Dave, Dave, He’s our man. If he can’t do it no one can.” I swear I actually thought to myself “Wow. Am I really their man?” Pathetic, but true. It’s amazing that I made the second one. Then I got mobbed.

I should probably reveal that we lost by 15. Hey, it would have been 17 had it not been for my heroics. The question you might be asking is, “Why the jubilation for 2 meaningless free throws?” Well, I was kind of the team’s Rudy. Actually, I was more like that autistic kid from Rochester whose coach let him play in the last game and he drained six threes in 2.5 minutes. Just like him except he was playing varsity high school and I was playing JV CYO. And he hit 3 pointers and I sunk a couple free throws. And he was autistic and I was, well, just awful.

Despite my moment in the thin ray of sun, I still hate foul shots. First, it’s a part of the game that isn’t part of the game. Huh? Well, there’s no defense. (A fact that proved completely unhelpful to last year’s Memphis team.) At no point in the actual game of basketball does one guy get to shoot while everyone else stands motionless as if they were touched by Mr. Snow Miser – 'cause everything he’d touch would freeze in his clutch. (Too much?)

This weekend I was watching a game and my little girl asks, “Why is everyone playing freeze dance?” I say, “It’s a foul shot; what the hell is freeze dance?” My wife hits me and says, “Think before you speak.” My daughter then adds, “Yeah Dad, everyone knows freeze dance is when you freeze when the music stops. What the hell is a foul shot?” So because of foul shots my 6 year old now knows how to swear. And I got hit – twice.

The foul shot also reminds me of a strategy that my dad used to use when we’d play in the driveway. It was called: “I’ll give you that shot.” Instead of continuing to play defense, he’d back off and let me have an uncontested shot from wherever I was standing. At first I thought that was nice. Then it dawned on me that, “I’ll give you that shot” really means: “I know you stink. In fact you stink so bad that I don’t even need to guard you.”

Now, I’ll concede that late game foul shots are definitely dramatic. However, even a mundane act like flipping a coin can be dramatic given the right circumstances. When my wife announces: “Heads – oh all right, if you make it quick. Tails – I have a headache” that’s definitely dramatic. Especially since the next flip isn’t coming for another month. But it’s the build up (eh hem) that makes it exciting. The act itself is, like a foul shot, pretty boring. (Just to be clear by “act” I’m referring to the coin flip.)

So I’ve come up with options for the NCAA to consider as much more exciting and less time consuming replacements for the foul shot.

Option #1: Instead of foul shots, roll out one of those Pop-A-Shot arcade games with the mini basketballs. I’d prefer one that plays “Rock N Roll Part II” by Gary Glitter, but “H-E-Y!!” that’s not imperative. What’s important is that teams trailing will think twice before intentionally fouling - and watching their 2 point deficit balloon to 25 in a half a minute.

Option 2: I don’t know where I came up with this idea, but maybe instead foul shots, just have the player who commits the fouls leave the game for a period of time. He could be forced to sit in some designated area. Hey, I’m just spit balling here. Then the other team would be playing 5 against 4 and name it something like a “power play”. Call me crazy, but I envision some excitement.

Would never work you say? Too much of an advantage? Okay, so instead of having to play a man down, the team that fouls can pull a guy off the bench. And I suggest it be the guy in the mascot costume. Admit it, the entertainment value of seeing a 7 footer clank two free throws will pale in comparison to seeing that ridiculous Syracuse Orange cruise up and down the court for 30 seconds. Or imagine trying to get the St. Joe’s Hawk, with his perpetually flapping wings, to catch a pass. Better yet, imagine the Western Kentucky Hilltopper - that red amorphous gum drop looking thing with no arms - trying to dribble.

Or forget the mascots. If there’s a foul, the replacement should come from the group of people sitting on the baseline. No, not the photographers. I’m talking about the cheerleaders. Yes, I’m all for increasing cheerleader participation. I think it harkens back to my JV CYO experience. Glory days.

Take it easy,
Dave

(Next set of "Rankings & Irrelevant Comments" coming Thursday. If you want to contribute with your choice for the most overrated or underrated team of the week just email me at DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Wednesday night.)