At half time of Saturday’s game, ESPN’s commentators provided analysis of plays that I just saw, replays of action that I just saw, and statistics of the first half that I just saw. That led me to ponder: “Didn’t I just see this?” And, “Does ESPN, the network that I love more than life itself, think I’m an idiot?” The commentators did not respond.
It then hit me that ESPN’s play-by-play guys had already provided similar detailed analysis during the game. How much comprehension assistance do they believe I need? What’s next, a made basket will be accompanied by a remedial math lesson – “Imagine if you have 25 apples and you add 2 more apples . . .” I have now reached the undeniable conclusion, ESPN is convinced that I’m a moron.
I guess I should be happy that ESPN is only giving me half time analysis of the games. And not of my life. I can easily picture Jay Bilas saying something like this:
“Dave’s first half was going well until he took out a monstrous loan for, no not a house, a law degree. A strikingly odd decision for a guy who hates to argue. Apparently he intended to create a niche as ‘the non-confrontational attorney.’ Dave then concocted the questionable financial strategy of representing only poor people. Hard to make money off a clientele that can’t make rent.
"He now has a blog and has grossed a whopping $42 in one month. At that rate he’ll easily be able to pay off his law school loan in 200 years. Except, Dave has also promised to give all his blogging profits to the pot of his NCAA tourney pool. Even harder to make money when you give away all of your earnings. Yes, there is a possibility that Dave is getting dumber as he gets older. But I see a chance for a second half turn around. Dave’s game plan should be to incorporate himself and then – sell all of his stock short.”
Screw you, Bilas.
A half-time analysis might actually have been helpful back when I’d go to Sunday mass with my mom. About halfway through the priest’s sermon she would quiz me to see if I was paying attention. If only the ESPN guys could have been there for a little re-cap. That would have prevented what will surely be a conundrum for St. Peter’s decision whether to allow me into heaven – weekly attendance at church coupled with a weekly lie to my mother in church.
Any way, there are a plethora of things that could replace the wholly unnecessary analysis at half time of college basketball games.
1.Donkey Basketball – If you’ve never heard of donkey basketball then you didn’t grow up in a semi-podunk town like Vestal, NY as I did. No, it’s not a bunch of donkeys playing basketball. That would actually be less stupid. It’s a bunch of people trying to play basketball while riding donkeys. You got to wonder how this game was created. I think there was a kind of Reeses Peanut Butter Cup moment. One guy’s donkey does some dodo on another guy’s basketball – “Hey you got donkey on my basketball. You got basketball on my donkey.”
2.Show more of the cheerleaders – Cheerleaders clearly deserve more air-time than the passing glances they receive. If you go to the Louvre, and you’re only able to see glimpses of the Mona Lisa every 20 minutes or so, that would be quite disappointing. As a married guy whose wife monitors his Internet surfing, the hope of seeing a cheerleader close up is, well, all I’ve got. At least a few minutes of half time should be dedicated to these bouncing beauties. (My wife will attest to the fact that that’s all the time I need.)
3.Show other games - Wouldn’t you much rather watch part of another game than the forced and phony banter between Digger Phelps and Bobby Knight? Heck, I’d almost rather let my wife turn on Desperate Housewives than watch those two geriatrics pretend to bitch at each other. At least the women on Wysteria Lane are good looking.
4. Half Court Shots for $ - Hard to beat the excitement of pulling a fan out of the stands and letting him shoot from half court for a few grand. For me it’s a win-win. Fan makes it, everyone cheers. Fan misses and I feel joy knowing that there’s one person who may now have lower self-esteem than me.
5.Show Swingers. Each half time is about 20-30 minutes long. If ESPN had a triple-header it could show the entirety of my favorite movie, Swingers, during half time. That would be money and they know it.
Yeah, I realize that the real purpose of half time is to show more commercials. It would be nice if they showed the good ones more often though – like the Hooters ads. Because, really, there is no such thing as a bad Hooters ad. I’m pretty sure they’ve been showing that ad promoting their 25th anniversary for about 2 years now. I will admit I’m engrossed every single time. Maybe ESPN is right – I am a moron.
Take it easy,
Dave
A thanks goes to the entire Hoover family for critiquing this post while en route to Ohio. I will also thank Pat Hurley for informing me that I had grammar errors even though he opted to let me find them on my own. A bigger thanks to John Cusanno for actually noting that geriatric has only 1 “r”. Finally, I should thank Thom Devlin for his assessment of my life and his adamant agreement that I should sell stock in myself short.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 3)
My Christmas present to you: a new set of college basketball rankings and irrelevant comments as well as the submissions for this week’s overrated and underrated teams - all below
My Christmas present from John Berardi: a favorable endorsement about this site on a couple SU message boards. Thanks John. If you by chance have a hankering for some pizza check out John’s blog – LosAngelesPizza.blogspot.com. It might be best though if that hankering occurred when you’re in LA.
RANKINGS
1.North Carolina (11-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment:
You just can’t do better than a Tar Heels game when Bill Raftery is the commentator. I may be watching too much of Raftery though. Yesterday my 2 year-old daughter made a basket and yelled “Onions!” Looks like I need to teach her a little hubris and anatomy.
2.UConn (10-0)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin and at Gonzaga
My Irrelevant Comment: A buddy of mine was wearing a UCONN sweatshirt when a gorgeous woman came up and said, “Where’s Conn?” He condescendingly said, “It’s short for Connecticut.” She then sulked away. A different reply might have been a tad more appropriate. This woman was good-looking, clearly stupid, and seemingly had low self-esteem. Yeah, the better response would have been “Will you marry me?”
3.Oklahoma (10-0)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah
My Irrelevant Comment:
I hear that opposing crowds are calling Oklahoma senior Taylor Griffen, Tito - in reference to the fact Taylor, much like Tito Jackson, is highly overshadowed by his younger brother (Blake). I think Taylor should just be happy that they aren’t calling him Latoya.
4.Pitt (12-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech, Washington St., & Florida State
My Irrelevant Comment: About 10 years ago PITT decided to stop referring to itself as PITT and went with the full “Pittsburgh” instead. The university has since switched back apparently learning that it’s a bad marketing to emphasize that it’s located in Pittsburgh.
5. Duke (10-1)
Best Wins: S.Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue, Xavier
Worst Loss: Michigan
My Irrelevant Comment: Is it me or is almost every guy on Duke over six foot, with blonde hair, and blue eyes? They go by Blue Devils, but a different name comes to mind.
6.Wake Forest (10-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP
My Irrelevant Comment: When Wake Forest moved from Wake Forest, North Carolina to Winston-Salem the school kept the name Wake Forest. I think I figured out why. While “Wake Forest” doesn’t necessarily scream basketball, “Winston-Salem” definitely screams Big Tobacco.
7.Gerogetown (9-1)
Best Wins: Maryland & Memphis
Worst loss - Tennessee
My Irrelevant Comment: This week the Hoyas beat Mount St. Mary’s – a school that distinguished itself from St. Mary’s by adding the “Mount”. But now the name seems to suggest that prudish girls named Mary should be, well, mounted.
8.Ohio State (8-0)
Best Wins – ND, at Miami and Butler
My Irrelevant Comment:Ohio State may be so good that I actually contemplated getting the Big Ten Network. Then I though about what it would be like when my wife found out –
Wife: “Why is the cable bill $10 more? Tell me you did not order one of those adult movies!”
Dave: “I ordered the Big Ten Network”
Wife: “The what? You told me you’d never watch porn.”
Dave; “Wait a minute. I never said never.”
Wife: “I knew it! You’re addicted to pornography.
Dave; “It’s the Big Ten Network, I swear,
Wife: “You think I’m stupid? There’s no Big Ten Network. You have a problem.”
9. Texas (8-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova, Wisconsin
Worst loss: Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment:
Before every free throw AJ Abrams puts his hand on his heart. I’m not sure why? I do know that before everyone of my free throws my coach used to put his hand on his heart. If you ever saw me shoot you’d know exactly why.
10.Xavier (10-2)
Best Wins: Memphis, Virginia Tech & at Cincinnati
Losses – Duke & Butler
My Irrelevant Comment: After getting crushed by Duke’s big man, it’s clear that Xavier’s 7 footer Kenny Frease needs to go back to basics. No not rebounding and post play. Real basics like – standing erect. He looks like his auditioning for the lead in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. He's truly the only seven footer who plays like he’s five foot, four.
Most Overrated
Gonzaga – Third week in a row that I was going to pick Louisville (2 losses yet still ranked #19) but another team has been amazingly more disappointing. I was all set to write about how the TV coverage of the Gonzaga-UConn was horrible. I was all set to say that what I meant was that the cameras would inexplicably only give me glimpses of the stunningly attractive female photographer on the baseline. Yeah, I was all set to say that until they lost that game - and then lost to Portland State. So I can’t say any of that.
Other Opinions
Harold Barend: Syracuse – “Syracuse still has not impressed me. Their last win against Coppin State (which has a losing record) was a clinic in basketball "do not" fundamentals. Except for Andy Rautins who kept Syracuse in the game with a record setting barrage of three-pointers, the team didn't show me zip. They were slow getting back on defense and they turned the ball over and over and over. Teams such as Texas that play solid defense and rebound will have Jimmy B crying. It should be interesting to see what kind of moral impact the 40 hours of community work has on the tattoo laden Devendorf.
Most Underrated
Utah State – They are 9-1 one with the only blemish a close loss to BYU. They just beat their rival, the Utah Utes. Every time I hear the Utes I can’t help but think of Fred Gwynne’s question to Joe Pesci in “My Cousin Vinny” – “The two Utes?”
Other Opinions
Mark Hoover : Michigan: “One letter M”: [To clarify, Mark emailed me Michigan’s big blue “M” logo hoping that I’d be able to put it up on this site. I haven’t been able to figure out how to do that for photos Erin Andrews, Bonnie Bernstein, and Jim Boeheim’s wife. Can’t see me mastering that task for an mere M.]
Harold Barend: Duke & Stanford - I think two of the underrated teams are Duke and Stanford. Both teams can shoot the three, which inspires me to watch the game and both teams have a high mental capacity. I pick both to be in the final four--depending on the bracketing. Duke is one of the deepest and most balanced teams in college basketball. I give Duke the edge when they play North Carolina at Duke. [This marks the first time in history that anyone has claimed that Duke is underrated.]
Jim Collins: Boston College – “1/4/09- BC stuns North Carolina in Chapel Hill taking the sting out of the Pats missing the playoffs because of Miami and Baltimore both winning.”
Kenny Robbins: Syracuse – “The 'Cuse only lost by a 67 yard field goal, errrr I mean a lucky 3 pt basket at the end of regulation. Then they regain composure and go into Memphis to beat a decent team On The Road. Great road win there so "Not So Fast" on your uhhh Ken the 'Cuse lost to Clev St. The 'Cuse is Back!!”
Kenny Robbins Part II : The Big Ten: “Also Back is the Big Ten people...it might be negative one outside with a negative 22 wind chill but c'mon people this is Bear Country. Go Bears!!! As for the Big Ten, look we got Michigan State taking down TX on the road. We got Purdue taking down much heralded Davidson in a super big way. And please don't forget weve got Tubby Smith & Minnesota. Minnesotaaaah, with a nice big win over Louisville to improve to 10 - 0. Not to mention Ohio St. beating Dave's fav Irish back on 12/6. I'm not asking for much ink here just some warm up band music for the cold Big Ten land! [Not asking for much ink?]
Take it easy & Merry Christmas,
Dave
(If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just email me by Wednesday at DaveBarend@yahoo.com and it’ll be posted on Thursday.)
My Christmas present from John Berardi: a favorable endorsement about this site on a couple SU message boards. Thanks John. If you by chance have a hankering for some pizza check out John’s blog – LosAngelesPizza.blogspot.com. It might be best though if that hankering occurred when you’re in LA.
RANKINGS
1.North Carolina (11-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment:
You just can’t do better than a Tar Heels game when Bill Raftery is the commentator. I may be watching too much of Raftery though. Yesterday my 2 year-old daughter made a basket and yelled “Onions!” Looks like I need to teach her a little hubris and anatomy.
2.UConn (10-0)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin and at Gonzaga
My Irrelevant Comment: A buddy of mine was wearing a UCONN sweatshirt when a gorgeous woman came up and said, “Where’s Conn?” He condescendingly said, “It’s short for Connecticut.” She then sulked away. A different reply might have been a tad more appropriate. This woman was good-looking, clearly stupid, and seemingly had low self-esteem. Yeah, the better response would have been “Will you marry me?”
3.Oklahoma (10-0)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah
My Irrelevant Comment:
I hear that opposing crowds are calling Oklahoma senior Taylor Griffen, Tito - in reference to the fact Taylor, much like Tito Jackson, is highly overshadowed by his younger brother (Blake). I think Taylor should just be happy that they aren’t calling him Latoya.
4.Pitt (12-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech, Washington St., & Florida State
My Irrelevant Comment: About 10 years ago PITT decided to stop referring to itself as PITT and went with the full “Pittsburgh” instead. The university has since switched back apparently learning that it’s a bad marketing to emphasize that it’s located in Pittsburgh.
5. Duke (10-1)
Best Wins: S.Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue, Xavier
Worst Loss: Michigan
My Irrelevant Comment: Is it me or is almost every guy on Duke over six foot, with blonde hair, and blue eyes? They go by Blue Devils, but a different name comes to mind.
6.Wake Forest (10-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP
My Irrelevant Comment: When Wake Forest moved from Wake Forest, North Carolina to Winston-Salem the school kept the name Wake Forest. I think I figured out why. While “Wake Forest” doesn’t necessarily scream basketball, “Winston-Salem” definitely screams Big Tobacco.
7.Gerogetown (9-1)
Best Wins: Maryland & Memphis
Worst loss - Tennessee
My Irrelevant Comment: This week the Hoyas beat Mount St. Mary’s – a school that distinguished itself from St. Mary’s by adding the “Mount”. But now the name seems to suggest that prudish girls named Mary should be, well, mounted.
8.Ohio State (8-0)
Best Wins – ND, at Miami and Butler
My Irrelevant Comment:Ohio State may be so good that I actually contemplated getting the Big Ten Network. Then I though about what it would be like when my wife found out –
Wife: “Why is the cable bill $10 more? Tell me you did not order one of those adult movies!”
Dave: “I ordered the Big Ten Network”
Wife: “The what? You told me you’d never watch porn.”
Dave; “Wait a minute. I never said never.”
Wife: “I knew it! You’re addicted to pornography.
Dave; “It’s the Big Ten Network, I swear,
Wife: “You think I’m stupid? There’s no Big Ten Network. You have a problem.”
9. Texas (8-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova, Wisconsin
Worst loss: Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment:
Before every free throw AJ Abrams puts his hand on his heart. I’m not sure why? I do know that before everyone of my free throws my coach used to put his hand on his heart. If you ever saw me shoot you’d know exactly why.
10.Xavier (10-2)
Best Wins: Memphis, Virginia Tech & at Cincinnati
Losses – Duke & Butler
My Irrelevant Comment: After getting crushed by Duke’s big man, it’s clear that Xavier’s 7 footer Kenny Frease needs to go back to basics. No not rebounding and post play. Real basics like – standing erect. He looks like his auditioning for the lead in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. He's truly the only seven footer who plays like he’s five foot, four.
Most Overrated
Gonzaga – Third week in a row that I was going to pick Louisville (2 losses yet still ranked #19) but another team has been amazingly more disappointing. I was all set to write about how the TV coverage of the Gonzaga-UConn was horrible. I was all set to say that what I meant was that the cameras would inexplicably only give me glimpses of the stunningly attractive female photographer on the baseline. Yeah, I was all set to say that until they lost that game - and then lost to Portland State. So I can’t say any of that.
Other Opinions
Harold Barend: Syracuse – “Syracuse still has not impressed me. Their last win against Coppin State (which has a losing record) was a clinic in basketball "do not" fundamentals. Except for Andy Rautins who kept Syracuse in the game with a record setting barrage of three-pointers, the team didn't show me zip. They were slow getting back on defense and they turned the ball over and over and over. Teams such as Texas that play solid defense and rebound will have Jimmy B crying. It should be interesting to see what kind of moral impact the 40 hours of community work has on the tattoo laden Devendorf.
Most Underrated
Utah State – They are 9-1 one with the only blemish a close loss to BYU. They just beat their rival, the Utah Utes. Every time I hear the Utes I can’t help but think of Fred Gwynne’s question to Joe Pesci in “My Cousin Vinny” – “The two Utes?”
Other Opinions
Mark Hoover : Michigan: “One letter M”: [To clarify, Mark emailed me Michigan’s big blue “M” logo hoping that I’d be able to put it up on this site. I haven’t been able to figure out how to do that for photos Erin Andrews, Bonnie Bernstein, and Jim Boeheim’s wife. Can’t see me mastering that task for an mere M.]
Harold Barend: Duke & Stanford - I think two of the underrated teams are Duke and Stanford. Both teams can shoot the three, which inspires me to watch the game and both teams have a high mental capacity. I pick both to be in the final four--depending on the bracketing. Duke is one of the deepest and most balanced teams in college basketball. I give Duke the edge when they play North Carolina at Duke. [This marks the first time in history that anyone has claimed that Duke is underrated.]
Jim Collins: Boston College – “1/4/09- BC stuns North Carolina in Chapel Hill taking the sting out of the Pats missing the playoffs because of Miami and Baltimore both winning.”
Kenny Robbins: Syracuse – “The 'Cuse only lost by a 67 yard field goal, errrr I mean a lucky 3 pt basket at the end of regulation. Then they regain composure and go into Memphis to beat a decent team On The Road. Great road win there so "Not So Fast" on your uhhh Ken the 'Cuse lost to Clev St. The 'Cuse is Back!!”
Kenny Robbins Part II : The Big Ten: “Also Back is the Big Ten people...it might be negative one outside with a negative 22 wind chill but c'mon people this is Bear Country. Go Bears!!! As for the Big Ten, look we got Michigan State taking down TX on the road. We got Purdue taking down much heralded Davidson in a super big way. And please don't forget weve got Tubby Smith & Minnesota. Minnesotaaaah, with a nice big win over Louisville to improve to 10 - 0. Not to mention Ohio St. beating Dave's fav Irish back on 12/6. I'm not asking for much ink here just some warm up band music for the cold Big Ten land! [Not asking for much ink?]
Take it easy & Merry Christmas,
Dave
(If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just email me by Wednesday at DaveBarend@yahoo.com and it’ll be posted on Thursday.)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Rant#6: Whose 3-Point Line Is It Anyway?
The NCAA had two ready-made options when it decided to change the 3-point line: the NBA 3-point line or the international line. My choice was the NBA line because it had the added benefit of no longer having to hear announcers say, “Wow that shot was from NBA range.”
They instead decided to create a brand new line. That’s kind of like needing some butter and despite having 3 tubs in your fridge, you choose the wholly nonsensical option of pretending you’re Amish and making your own. (After about 16 hours of churning you can name it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Yet”.)
As for the old 3-point line, my views are mixed. Growing up we had a 3-point line on my driveway. My friends and I would take running leaps from behind the arc in hopes of making a finger roll 3-pointer. I miraculously made it once. Immediately I thought of George Gervin’s Nike ad and proclaimed myself the Ice Man. ‘Cause “If there’s one thing I could do it was finger roll.” My friends opted to call me Putz.
Then there was the time that my dad left his Chrysler Cordoba “T-top” convertible parked in the driveway. But we still wanted to attempt our 3-point finger rolls. What to do? Idea: leap over the Cordoba with the assistance of – a ladder. Sadly, nobody said “bad idea.”
I climbed up and put myself in Michael Jordan stance: One leg extended out with the ball in the hand of an outreached arm. Yeah, just like MJ. As I attempted to push off from the top step with my other foot, I looked down and thought that it might have been nice if one of my friends was holding this ladder. See, I didn’t really push off as much as I pushed away – the ladder that is. So instead of commencing my flight, I simply plummeted - right toward the “T-top”. I then began to rue the decision to attempt this maneuver in Jordan’s open legs style.
Lucky for the Cordoba, I was a mere 90 pounds. Lucky for me, I wouldn’t need to use my testicles for the next decade.
The crash also resulted in a laceration to my leg. Somehow there were no bloodstains. Apparently fine Corinthian leather is quite absorbent. Wonder if Ricardo Montalban knows that?
The new 3-point line was, however, created by men even more stupid than me. They actually implemented it without consent from women’s basketball. Why was that such a stupid mistake, you single guys ask? Because as every married guy would agree, you never ever make a major decision without consulting the woman of the house. “But that doesn’t make sense.” Ahh, and there you have the essence of woman – senselessness. Men are stupid. Women are irrational. Put them together and what have you got? Two damn 3-point lines on the same basketball court.
This has caused great confusion. Especially to the geniuses calling the games on TV. “Abrams hits a 3 to tie it up!!! Wait, which line is it? We’re going to have to check with the replay – again.” Maybe it’s my superior intellect, but I’m actually capable of remembering that the line further away is the men’s.
To me the real problem is the agitation I feel when I see the two lines. Allow me to explain. When a football fan goes to watch a game and sees the field covered with lines from the previous night’s soccer match, he experiences a near uncontrollable urge to go on a soccer ball puncturing rampage. That’s exactly what happens to college basketball fans when they are unnecessarily annoyed by the high definition vision of a women’s 3-point line on a TV purchased solely to watch men’s hoop.
Yes ladies, it really all goes back to the whole “men are stupid” thing. Here are a few suggestions as to how to fix this situation.
1.Move The Women’s 3-Point line to the New Men’s Line. Listen women. I know you want your own game. But you have your own shot clock, your own ball and now your own 3-point line. How many changes can be made to a game and you’re still able to call it the same game? I don’t claim my two-year old is playing chess when she chews on a rook and shoves a pawn up her nose.
2.Convince The Men To Go Back To The Old 3-Point Line. Since we’re dealing with walking hormones like Larry Eustachy, Jim Boeheim and Rick Majerus, I’d say this could be accomplished by taping your feminine wiles. But I kind of get the feeling that flirting with men is not the forte of women hoopsters.
So I suggest you just allege a Title IX violation. How could anyone be convinced that having different 3-point lines is unfair to women? I’d say use the same tactic you used to convince people that giving more athletic scholarships to men is unfair. That was truly an impressive piece of persuasion. In comparison, this can’t be any harder than, say, convincing a guy to look at porn.
3.Use Removable Tape for The Women’s 3-point Line. And then, most importantly, take it off. Yeah I realize it might not look good, but does that really matter ‘cause, well, to be brutally honest – nobody’s watching anyway. I mean, come on, the only people tuning into women’s basketball are relatives of players, friends of players, and a bunch of drunken guys trying to figure out why Tyler Hansbrough has boobs.
Whatever solution you come up with ladies, the point to remember is that women’s basketball, like soccer, is something that men almost never think about. But when we do, we find it wholly annoying. Your goal, therefore, is to keep us from thinking – not too hard of a task because, as I’ve mentioned, we are the stupid gender.
Take it easy,
Dave
(New rankings to be posted on Christmas Day. If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week please email by Christmas Eve at DaveBarend@yahoo.com.)
They instead decided to create a brand new line. That’s kind of like needing some butter and despite having 3 tubs in your fridge, you choose the wholly nonsensical option of pretending you’re Amish and making your own. (After about 16 hours of churning you can name it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Yet”.)
As for the old 3-point line, my views are mixed. Growing up we had a 3-point line on my driveway. My friends and I would take running leaps from behind the arc in hopes of making a finger roll 3-pointer. I miraculously made it once. Immediately I thought of George Gervin’s Nike ad and proclaimed myself the Ice Man. ‘Cause “If there’s one thing I could do it was finger roll.” My friends opted to call me Putz.
Then there was the time that my dad left his Chrysler Cordoba “T-top” convertible parked in the driveway. But we still wanted to attempt our 3-point finger rolls. What to do? Idea: leap over the Cordoba with the assistance of – a ladder. Sadly, nobody said “bad idea.”
I climbed up and put myself in Michael Jordan stance: One leg extended out with the ball in the hand of an outreached arm. Yeah, just like MJ. As I attempted to push off from the top step with my other foot, I looked down and thought that it might have been nice if one of my friends was holding this ladder. See, I didn’t really push off as much as I pushed away – the ladder that is. So instead of commencing my flight, I simply plummeted - right toward the “T-top”. I then began to rue the decision to attempt this maneuver in Jordan’s open legs style.
Lucky for the Cordoba, I was a mere 90 pounds. Lucky for me, I wouldn’t need to use my testicles for the next decade.
The crash also resulted in a laceration to my leg. Somehow there were no bloodstains. Apparently fine Corinthian leather is quite absorbent. Wonder if Ricardo Montalban knows that?
The new 3-point line was, however, created by men even more stupid than me. They actually implemented it without consent from women’s basketball. Why was that such a stupid mistake, you single guys ask? Because as every married guy would agree, you never ever make a major decision without consulting the woman of the house. “But that doesn’t make sense.” Ahh, and there you have the essence of woman – senselessness. Men are stupid. Women are irrational. Put them together and what have you got? Two damn 3-point lines on the same basketball court.
This has caused great confusion. Especially to the geniuses calling the games on TV. “Abrams hits a 3 to tie it up!!! Wait, which line is it? We’re going to have to check with the replay – again.” Maybe it’s my superior intellect, but I’m actually capable of remembering that the line further away is the men’s.
To me the real problem is the agitation I feel when I see the two lines. Allow me to explain. When a football fan goes to watch a game and sees the field covered with lines from the previous night’s soccer match, he experiences a near uncontrollable urge to go on a soccer ball puncturing rampage. That’s exactly what happens to college basketball fans when they are unnecessarily annoyed by the high definition vision of a women’s 3-point line on a TV purchased solely to watch men’s hoop.
Yes ladies, it really all goes back to the whole “men are stupid” thing. Here are a few suggestions as to how to fix this situation.
1.Move The Women’s 3-Point line to the New Men’s Line. Listen women. I know you want your own game. But you have your own shot clock, your own ball and now your own 3-point line. How many changes can be made to a game and you’re still able to call it the same game? I don’t claim my two-year old is playing chess when she chews on a rook and shoves a pawn up her nose.
2.Convince The Men To Go Back To The Old 3-Point Line. Since we’re dealing with walking hormones like Larry Eustachy, Jim Boeheim and Rick Majerus, I’d say this could be accomplished by taping your feminine wiles. But I kind of get the feeling that flirting with men is not the forte of women hoopsters.
So I suggest you just allege a Title IX violation. How could anyone be convinced that having different 3-point lines is unfair to women? I’d say use the same tactic you used to convince people that giving more athletic scholarships to men is unfair. That was truly an impressive piece of persuasion. In comparison, this can’t be any harder than, say, convincing a guy to look at porn.
3.Use Removable Tape for The Women’s 3-point Line. And then, most importantly, take it off. Yeah I realize it might not look good, but does that really matter ‘cause, well, to be brutally honest – nobody’s watching anyway. I mean, come on, the only people tuning into women’s basketball are relatives of players, friends of players, and a bunch of drunken guys trying to figure out why Tyler Hansbrough has boobs.
Whatever solution you come up with ladies, the point to remember is that women’s basketball, like soccer, is something that men almost never think about. But when we do, we find it wholly annoying. Your goal, therefore, is to keep us from thinking – not too hard of a task because, as I’ve mentioned, we are the stupid gender.
Take it easy,
Dave
(New rankings to be posted on Christmas Day. If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week please email by Christmas Eve at DaveBarend@yahoo.com.)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 2)
Below is my second round of weekly rankings and irrelevant comments as well as the most overrated and underrated teams of the week.
Rankings
1.North Carolina (9-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment:
Tyler Hansbrough is considered to be the hardest working player in college hoops. Similarly, I just got an email saying that I’m the hardest working blogger in college hoops. Oh wait, I’m a bit off on that. The email said that my blogs are the “hardest to find the time to read.” Thanks Mom.
2.Oklahoma (10-0)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah
My Irrelevant Comment:
Are you like me in that whenever your see the word Oklahoma, the Broadway show tune starts running through your head? And are you also like me in that you really don’t know the lyrics to Oklahoma. And the only thing running through your head is “Ok-lahoma” over and over and over? Then you, like me, have problems.
3.Pitt (11-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech, Washington St., & Belmont
My Irrelevant Comment: There’s a guard on Pitt named Brad Wannamaker. Yikes. Had to be a tough childhood. You got to know he was picked on with a name like Brad.
4.Xavier (9-0)
Best Wins: Memphis, Virginia Tech & at Cincinnati
My Irrelevant Comment: There’s a push to change the nickname to the X-men. No doubt that you can’t get more boring than their current moniker – the musketeers. But do they really want their target market to be the folks who frequent comic book conventions? If it means that the stands will be filled with people dressed like Halle Berry’s Storm character then I think so.
5.UConn (8-0)
Best Wins: Miami and at Wisconsin
My Irrelevant Comment: I’m hoping that UConn someday signs a kid named Cornelius. Then they can call him UConn Cornelius. Then if he knocks over some huge guy during a game he’d yell, “A humble bumble.” I dare to dream. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you clearly do not have a 6-year old who has forced you to watch Rudolph 10 times this week.)
6. Texas (8-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova
Worst loss: Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment: Texas almost lost to Texas State. I really thought Texas State was the name of the fictional school in Necessary Roughness – the movie that launched Kathy Ireland’s movie career. Necessary Roughness was also the movie that ended Kathy Ireland’s movie career.
7.Duke (8-1)
Best Wins: S.Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue
Worst Loss: Michigan
My Irrelevant Comment: Did you know that Duke used to be called Trinity? Someone must have noticed the contradiction with the Trinity Blue Devils.
8.Gonzaga (7-1)
Best Wins: Maryland and Tennessee
Worst Loss: at Arizona
My Irrelevant Comment: I root against Gonzaga. You say, “What? Everyone loves Gonzaga.” What better reason to root against them?
9.Wake Forest (9-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP
My Irrelevant Comment: Wake Forest makes me think of those trees in the Forest in the Wizard of Oz. You know , the ones who grabbed Tin Man and then Dorothy screamed “You let him go” and then . . . Dear Lord, somebody please stop me. I’ve now referenced a Broadway show tune and the Wizard of Oz. Excuse me while I go watch a few Die Hard flicks and try to reconfirm my masculinity.
10.Gerogetown (7-1)
Best Wins: Maryland & Memphis
Worst loss - Tennessee
My Irrelevant Comment: Though their nickname is the Hoyas, Georgetown has used bulldogs as its mascot. Given that the school is located in DC, a city filled with politicians, the “bull” part makes sense. For complete accuracy they should change the “dogs” to another four-letter word.
MOST OVERRATED
Syracuse
On Monday they were 9-0 and ranked #11 by the Coaches. I was all set to write a mea culpa for my prior posts that slightly bashed Boeheim – then they lose at home to the mighty Vikings of Cleveland State. Thanks Jimbo, for re-establishing my faith in your inabilities.
Other Opinions
Pat Hurley: Duke
The most overrated team is Duke (#6 in both polls) because they lost to Michigan, who lost to Maryland, who lost to Georgetown, who lost to Tennessee, who lost to Temple, who lost to St. Bonaventure (on January16, 2002).
Kenneth Robbins: Tennessee
Tennessee clearly not as good as their ranking
Harold Barend: Tennessee is overated. No synergism. I see a lot of good athletes who can run like hell .
MOST UNDERRATED
Stanford
They are 6-0 and yet not one vote from the Coaches or AP. They have wins over, well, a half dozen nobodies. But Louisville (#9 in the both polls) has six wins over a bunch of nobodies and a loss at home to the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers. I guess Johnny Dawkins, the new coach of the Cardinal, did not bring the East Coast bias or the media’s love of Duke with him to California.
Honorable Mention:
St. Bonaventure
That’s right I’m giving a plug to my beloved Bonnies who beat Maryland this week. No not the Terrapins, the Hawks of Maryland-Eastern Shore. You got to wonder whether the “Eastern” part of that name is really necessary. I’m pretty sure there is no shore to the west of Maryland.
Other Opinions
Pat Hurley: Clemson
Clemson (#25 in AP and Coaches' Polls) is the most underrated team because (1) they're 10-0; (2) their CBSSports.com RPI ranking is #1; (3) they have road wins at Temple and Illinois; and (4) they have crushed the foot soldiers of the Lord on no fewer than three occasions, conquering the TCU Horned Frogs, the Presbyterian Blue Hose(?!?), and
the Liberty Flames. Bring on Yeshiva, biatch!
Kenneth Robbins: Syracuse
How about the 'Cuse! C'mon now they are much better than their ranking. Where are the votes for the Orange?!? [Uh, Ken, they lost to Cleveland State.]
Keith Mangas: Unknown
My only non-St. Bonaventure source of college hoop knowledge is from this site. It is, therefore, Dave’s fault that I have nothing to add this week.
Mark Hoover: Alaska-Anchorage
It’s gotta be the Seawolves of University of Alaska-Anchorage. They have been playing some pretty tough hockey recently, including a win at Colorado. Killer travel, but good frequent flyer miles. [I’m thinking that Mark missed the “hoop” part of DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com]
Harold Barend: Cleveland State & Buffalo
Cleveland State and the University of Buffalo are no longer easy pickings. Their coaches have been scouting the places where few coaches dare to go and they found a few hot tickets. Ask Coach "B" at Syracuse if he thinks Cleveland State is a cupcake. [Full disclosure – Harold Barend, aka my dad, played for the Univ of Buffalo back in the day. Way back in the day.]
Take it easy,
Dave
(If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just email me by Wednesday and it’ll be posted on Thursday.)
Rankings
1.North Carolina (9-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment:
Tyler Hansbrough is considered to be the hardest working player in college hoops. Similarly, I just got an email saying that I’m the hardest working blogger in college hoops. Oh wait, I’m a bit off on that. The email said that my blogs are the “hardest to find the time to read.” Thanks Mom.
2.Oklahoma (10-0)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah
My Irrelevant Comment:
Are you like me in that whenever your see the word Oklahoma, the Broadway show tune starts running through your head? And are you also like me in that you really don’t know the lyrics to Oklahoma. And the only thing running through your head is “Ok-lahoma” over and over and over? Then you, like me, have problems.
3.Pitt (11-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech, Washington St., & Belmont
My Irrelevant Comment: There’s a guard on Pitt named Brad Wannamaker. Yikes. Had to be a tough childhood. You got to know he was picked on with a name like Brad.
4.Xavier (9-0)
Best Wins: Memphis, Virginia Tech & at Cincinnati
My Irrelevant Comment: There’s a push to change the nickname to the X-men. No doubt that you can’t get more boring than their current moniker – the musketeers. But do they really want their target market to be the folks who frequent comic book conventions? If it means that the stands will be filled with people dressed like Halle Berry’s Storm character then I think so.
5.UConn (8-0)
Best Wins: Miami and at Wisconsin
My Irrelevant Comment: I’m hoping that UConn someday signs a kid named Cornelius. Then they can call him UConn Cornelius. Then if he knocks over some huge guy during a game he’d yell, “A humble bumble.” I dare to dream. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you clearly do not have a 6-year old who has forced you to watch Rudolph 10 times this week.)
6. Texas (8-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova
Worst loss: Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment: Texas almost lost to Texas State. I really thought Texas State was the name of the fictional school in Necessary Roughness – the movie that launched Kathy Ireland’s movie career. Necessary Roughness was also the movie that ended Kathy Ireland’s movie career.
7.Duke (8-1)
Best Wins: S.Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue
Worst Loss: Michigan
My Irrelevant Comment: Did you know that Duke used to be called Trinity? Someone must have noticed the contradiction with the Trinity Blue Devils.
8.Gonzaga (7-1)
Best Wins: Maryland and Tennessee
Worst Loss: at Arizona
My Irrelevant Comment: I root against Gonzaga. You say, “What? Everyone loves Gonzaga.” What better reason to root against them?
9.Wake Forest (9-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP
My Irrelevant Comment: Wake Forest makes me think of those trees in the Forest in the Wizard of Oz. You know , the ones who grabbed Tin Man and then Dorothy screamed “You let him go” and then . . . Dear Lord, somebody please stop me. I’ve now referenced a Broadway show tune and the Wizard of Oz. Excuse me while I go watch a few Die Hard flicks and try to reconfirm my masculinity.
10.Gerogetown (7-1)
Best Wins: Maryland & Memphis
Worst loss - Tennessee
My Irrelevant Comment: Though their nickname is the Hoyas, Georgetown has used bulldogs as its mascot. Given that the school is located in DC, a city filled with politicians, the “bull” part makes sense. For complete accuracy they should change the “dogs” to another four-letter word.
MOST OVERRATED
Syracuse
On Monday they were 9-0 and ranked #11 by the Coaches. I was all set to write a mea culpa for my prior posts that slightly bashed Boeheim – then they lose at home to the mighty Vikings of Cleveland State. Thanks Jimbo, for re-establishing my faith in your inabilities.
Other Opinions
Pat Hurley: Duke
The most overrated team is Duke (#6 in both polls) because they lost to Michigan, who lost to Maryland, who lost to Georgetown, who lost to Tennessee, who lost to Temple, who lost to St. Bonaventure (on January16, 2002).
Kenneth Robbins: Tennessee
Tennessee clearly not as good as their ranking
Harold Barend: Tennessee is overated. No synergism. I see a lot of good athletes who can run like hell .
MOST UNDERRATED
Stanford
They are 6-0 and yet not one vote from the Coaches or AP. They have wins over, well, a half dozen nobodies. But Louisville (#9 in the both polls) has six wins over a bunch of nobodies and a loss at home to the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers. I guess Johnny Dawkins, the new coach of the Cardinal, did not bring the East Coast bias or the media’s love of Duke with him to California.
Honorable Mention:
St. Bonaventure
That’s right I’m giving a plug to my beloved Bonnies who beat Maryland this week. No not the Terrapins, the Hawks of Maryland-Eastern Shore. You got to wonder whether the “Eastern” part of that name is really necessary. I’m pretty sure there is no shore to the west of Maryland.
Other Opinions
Pat Hurley: Clemson
Clemson (#25 in AP and Coaches' Polls) is the most underrated team because (1) they're 10-0; (2) their CBSSports.com RPI ranking is #1; (3) they have road wins at Temple and Illinois; and (4) they have crushed the foot soldiers of the Lord on no fewer than three occasions, conquering the TCU Horned Frogs, the Presbyterian Blue Hose(?!?), and
the Liberty Flames. Bring on Yeshiva, biatch!
Kenneth Robbins: Syracuse
How about the 'Cuse! C'mon now they are much better than their ranking. Where are the votes for the Orange?!? [Uh, Ken, they lost to Cleveland State.]
Keith Mangas: Unknown
My only non-St. Bonaventure source of college hoop knowledge is from this site. It is, therefore, Dave’s fault that I have nothing to add this week.
Mark Hoover: Alaska-Anchorage
It’s gotta be the Seawolves of University of Alaska-Anchorage. They have been playing some pretty tough hockey recently, including a win at Colorado. Killer travel, but good frequent flyer miles. [I’m thinking that Mark missed the “hoop” part of DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com]
Harold Barend: Cleveland State & Buffalo
Cleveland State and the University of Buffalo are no longer easy pickings. Their coaches have been scouting the places where few coaches dare to go and they found a few hot tickets. Ask Coach "B" at Syracuse if he thinks Cleveland State is a cupcake. [Full disclosure – Harold Barend, aka my dad, played for the Univ of Buffalo back in the day. Way back in the day.]
Take it easy,
Dave
(If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just email me by Wednesday and it’ll be posted on Thursday.)
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Rant#5 Death To Foul Shots
I hate foul shots and I am advocating for their removal. There is, however, a bit of irony to my anti-foul shot stance. Two of my non-miserable childhood memories involve foul shots.
The first was when my dad/coach was getting on my junior high team for not being able to, in his words, “make a single damn foul shot.” One of my teammates said, “Let’s see you make one, Coach.” Got to say I was prepping to be embarrassed. But Pops steps to the line and sinks 19 in a row – with his eyes closed. That simultaneously impressed the whole squad and sapped our last bit of self-esteem. When an old man drains ‘em without looking and your Rick Berry attempts don’t even hit the rim, that’s depressing.
Then there’s the big shots I made on my JV CYO team. JV CYO? Yes, there actually was a JV CYO team. I played for Our Lady Of Sorrows Church. A perfect name for our 2-12 team. I remember clearly because it’s where my basketball career pinnacled.
It’s the last game of the year and I’m in only because everyone on the bench has fouled out – including the kid with mono. I get fouled with no time left and go to the line for 2. The first shot rattles in and the cheerleaders go nuts. Cheerleaders? Yes, we really had cheerleaders for the JV CYO team. They start chanting “Dave, Dave, He’s our man. If he can’t do it no one can.” I swear I actually thought to myself “Wow. Am I really their man?” Pathetic, but true. It’s amazing that I made the second one. Then I got mobbed.
I should probably reveal that we lost by 15. Hey, it would have been 17 had it not been for my heroics. The question you might be asking is, “Why the jubilation for 2 meaningless free throws?” Well, I was kind of the team’s Rudy. Actually, I was more like that autistic kid from Rochester whose coach let him play in the last game and he drained six threes in 2.5 minutes. Just like him except he was playing varsity high school and I was playing JV CYO. And he hit 3 pointers and I sunk a couple free throws. And he was autistic and I was, well, just awful.
Despite my moment in the thin ray of sun, I still hate foul shots. First, it’s a part of the game that isn’t part of the game. Huh? Well, there’s no defense. (A fact that proved completely unhelpful to last year’s Memphis team.) At no point in the actual game of basketball does one guy get to shoot while everyone else stands motionless as if they were touched by Mr. Snow Miser – 'cause everything he’d touch would freeze in his clutch. (Too much?)
This weekend I was watching a game and my little girl asks, “Why is everyone playing freeze dance?” I say, “It’s a foul shot; what the hell is freeze dance?” My wife hits me and says, “Think before you speak.” My daughter then adds, “Yeah Dad, everyone knows freeze dance is when you freeze when the music stops. What the hell is a foul shot?” So because of foul shots my 6 year old now knows how to swear. And I got hit – twice.
The foul shot also reminds me of a strategy that my dad used to use when we’d play in the driveway. It was called: “I’ll give you that shot.” Instead of continuing to play defense, he’d back off and let me have an uncontested shot from wherever I was standing. At first I thought that was nice. Then it dawned on me that, “I’ll give you that shot” really means: “I know you stink. In fact you stink so bad that I don’t even need to guard you.”
Now, I’ll concede that late game foul shots are definitely dramatic. However, even a mundane act like flipping a coin can be dramatic given the right circumstances. When my wife announces: “Heads – oh all right, if you make it quick. Tails – I have a headache” that’s definitely dramatic. Especially since the next flip isn’t coming for another month. But it’s the build up (eh hem) that makes it exciting. The act itself is, like a foul shot, pretty boring. (Just to be clear by “act” I’m referring to the coin flip.)
So I’ve come up with options for the NCAA to consider as much more exciting and less time consuming replacements for the foul shot.
Option #1: Instead of foul shots, roll out one of those Pop-A-Shot arcade games with the mini basketballs. I’d prefer one that plays “Rock N Roll Part II” by Gary Glitter, but “H-E-Y!!” that’s not imperative. What’s important is that teams trailing will think twice before intentionally fouling - and watching their 2 point deficit balloon to 25 in a half a minute.
Option 2: I don’t know where I came up with this idea, but maybe instead foul shots, just have the player who commits the fouls leave the game for a period of time. He could be forced to sit in some designated area. Hey, I’m just spit balling here. Then the other team would be playing 5 against 4 and name it something like a “power play”. Call me crazy, but I envision some excitement.
Would never work you say? Too much of an advantage? Okay, so instead of having to play a man down, the team that fouls can pull a guy off the bench. And I suggest it be the guy in the mascot costume. Admit it, the entertainment value of seeing a 7 footer clank two free throws will pale in comparison to seeing that ridiculous Syracuse Orange cruise up and down the court for 30 seconds. Or imagine trying to get the St. Joe’s Hawk, with his perpetually flapping wings, to catch a pass. Better yet, imagine the Western Kentucky Hilltopper - that red amorphous gum drop looking thing with no arms - trying to dribble.
Or forget the mascots. If there’s a foul, the replacement should come from the group of people sitting on the baseline. No, not the photographers. I’m talking about the cheerleaders. Yes, I’m all for increasing cheerleader participation. I think it harkens back to my JV CYO experience. Glory days.
Take it easy,
Dave
(Next set of "Rankings & Irrelevant Comments" coming Thursday. If you want to contribute with your choice for the most overrated or underrated team of the week just email me at DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Wednesday night.)
The first was when my dad/coach was getting on my junior high team for not being able to, in his words, “make a single damn foul shot.” One of my teammates said, “Let’s see you make one, Coach.” Got to say I was prepping to be embarrassed. But Pops steps to the line and sinks 19 in a row – with his eyes closed. That simultaneously impressed the whole squad and sapped our last bit of self-esteem. When an old man drains ‘em without looking and your Rick Berry attempts don’t even hit the rim, that’s depressing.
Then there’s the big shots I made on my JV CYO team. JV CYO? Yes, there actually was a JV CYO team. I played for Our Lady Of Sorrows Church. A perfect name for our 2-12 team. I remember clearly because it’s where my basketball career pinnacled.
It’s the last game of the year and I’m in only because everyone on the bench has fouled out – including the kid with mono. I get fouled with no time left and go to the line for 2. The first shot rattles in and the cheerleaders go nuts. Cheerleaders? Yes, we really had cheerleaders for the JV CYO team. They start chanting “Dave, Dave, He’s our man. If he can’t do it no one can.” I swear I actually thought to myself “Wow. Am I really their man?” Pathetic, but true. It’s amazing that I made the second one. Then I got mobbed.
I should probably reveal that we lost by 15. Hey, it would have been 17 had it not been for my heroics. The question you might be asking is, “Why the jubilation for 2 meaningless free throws?” Well, I was kind of the team’s Rudy. Actually, I was more like that autistic kid from Rochester whose coach let him play in the last game and he drained six threes in 2.5 minutes. Just like him except he was playing varsity high school and I was playing JV CYO. And he hit 3 pointers and I sunk a couple free throws. And he was autistic and I was, well, just awful.
Despite my moment in the thin ray of sun, I still hate foul shots. First, it’s a part of the game that isn’t part of the game. Huh? Well, there’s no defense. (A fact that proved completely unhelpful to last year’s Memphis team.) At no point in the actual game of basketball does one guy get to shoot while everyone else stands motionless as if they were touched by Mr. Snow Miser – 'cause everything he’d touch would freeze in his clutch. (Too much?)
This weekend I was watching a game and my little girl asks, “Why is everyone playing freeze dance?” I say, “It’s a foul shot; what the hell is freeze dance?” My wife hits me and says, “Think before you speak.” My daughter then adds, “Yeah Dad, everyone knows freeze dance is when you freeze when the music stops. What the hell is a foul shot?” So because of foul shots my 6 year old now knows how to swear. And I got hit – twice.
The foul shot also reminds me of a strategy that my dad used to use when we’d play in the driveway. It was called: “I’ll give you that shot.” Instead of continuing to play defense, he’d back off and let me have an uncontested shot from wherever I was standing. At first I thought that was nice. Then it dawned on me that, “I’ll give you that shot” really means: “I know you stink. In fact you stink so bad that I don’t even need to guard you.”
Now, I’ll concede that late game foul shots are definitely dramatic. However, even a mundane act like flipping a coin can be dramatic given the right circumstances. When my wife announces: “Heads – oh all right, if you make it quick. Tails – I have a headache” that’s definitely dramatic. Especially since the next flip isn’t coming for another month. But it’s the build up (eh hem) that makes it exciting. The act itself is, like a foul shot, pretty boring. (Just to be clear by “act” I’m referring to the coin flip.)
So I’ve come up with options for the NCAA to consider as much more exciting and less time consuming replacements for the foul shot.
Option #1: Instead of foul shots, roll out one of those Pop-A-Shot arcade games with the mini basketballs. I’d prefer one that plays “Rock N Roll Part II” by Gary Glitter, but “H-E-Y!!” that’s not imperative. What’s important is that teams trailing will think twice before intentionally fouling - and watching their 2 point deficit balloon to 25 in a half a minute.
Option 2: I don’t know where I came up with this idea, but maybe instead foul shots, just have the player who commits the fouls leave the game for a period of time. He could be forced to sit in some designated area. Hey, I’m just spit balling here. Then the other team would be playing 5 against 4 and name it something like a “power play”. Call me crazy, but I envision some excitement.
Would never work you say? Too much of an advantage? Okay, so instead of having to play a man down, the team that fouls can pull a guy off the bench. And I suggest it be the guy in the mascot costume. Admit it, the entertainment value of seeing a 7 footer clank two free throws will pale in comparison to seeing that ridiculous Syracuse Orange cruise up and down the court for 30 seconds. Or imagine trying to get the St. Joe’s Hawk, with his perpetually flapping wings, to catch a pass. Better yet, imagine the Western Kentucky Hilltopper - that red amorphous gum drop looking thing with no arms - trying to dribble.
Or forget the mascots. If there’s a foul, the replacement should come from the group of people sitting on the baseline. No, not the photographers. I’m talking about the cheerleaders. Yes, I’m all for increasing cheerleader participation. I think it harkens back to my JV CYO experience. Glory days.
Take it easy,
Dave
(Next set of "Rankings & Irrelevant Comments" coming Thursday. If you want to contribute with your choice for the most overrated or underrated team of the week just email me at DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Wednesday night.)
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 1)
Here’s my first crack at ranking the Top 10 teams with a listing of the best wins, worst losses and my irrelevant comments. There’s also some overrated and underrated teams listed below.
TOP 10
1.North Carolina (8-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment:
Note to my dad: the player’s name is Hansbrough. The toy company’s name is Hasbro.
2.Oklahoma (8-0)
Best Wins: Purdue and Davidson
My Irrelevant Comment:
Oklahoma could pull off the seemingly impossible by winning the football championship and the basketball championship. A feat that hasn’t been accomplished in wow it’s got to be – 2 years.
3.Gonzaga (6-0)
Best Wins: Maryland and Tennessee
My Irrelevant Comment:
If Coach Mark Few is ever incapacitated, the Zags could always use Fish from Ally McBeal a double. He’s a dead ringer. Yes, I realize that I have both dated myself and implicated my masculinity by admitting that I’ve watched Ally McBeal.
4.Xavier (7-0)
Best Wins: Memphis and Virginia Tech
My Irrelevant Comment: It’s pronounced “Zavier” not “Ex-avier.” Other hoop blogs give you insightful stats. Here you get enunciation tips. Sad but true.
5.Pitt (9-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech & Belmont
My Irrelevant Comment: How can Texas Tech and Belmont qualify as ”best wins”? When the other wins were against powerhouses such as Akron and IUPUI, that’s how.
6.UConn
Best Wins: Miami and at Wisconsin
My Irrelevant Comment: The AP and Coaches Polls both have the Huskies #2. Come on. They almost lost to Buffalo. Bet you didn’t even know Buffalo had a team. They’re the Buffalo Bulls - mimicing the alliteration of that other stellar team from the same city, the Buffalo Bills.
7. Wake Forest (8-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP
My Irrelevant Comment: You got to believe the folks at Wake Forest are happy that they chose Demon Deacons as the nickname way back when. Their other option was the Predatory Priests.
8.Texas (7-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova
Worst loss: Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment: The Texas band, with their frilly fringe filled cowboy shirts and wussy white hats, just might have been the inspiration for Brokeback Mountain.
9.Duke (8-1)
Best Wins: Southern Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue
Worst Loss: Michigan
My Irrelevant Comment: I used to hate Duke. Then everybody started hating Duke. Torn between my desire to hate and my desire for originality I went with originality. So now I don’t hate Duke. But I’m worried that everyone will soon hate Notre Dame.
10.Tennessee (6-1)
Best Win: Georgetown
Worst Loss: Gonzaga
My Irrelevant Comment: Coach Bruce Pearl is in relatively decent shape, has a full head of hair and is always happy. Thank God he sweats like a pig otherwise you wouldn’t know he’s a coach.
MOST OVERRATED TEAM
UCLA- Yes, this is the same team that I picked to win it all. They are currently ranked #14 by the Coaches and that’s really too high for a team that has lost to Texas and Michigan. I picked them based on potential. Sadly, potential is a euphemism. It’s just a nice way of saying you ain’t as good as you should be.
Other Opinions
Pat Hurley: Notre Dame: “because (1) they suck ass and always will, and (2) they scheduled an opponent called ‘South Carolina Upstate.’"
Ken Robbins: Not Davidson: “Well I was going to say that Davidson is over-rated but clearly that kid can shoot the round ball all damn day......WVU just couldn't cover the lil'guy!”
MOST UNDERRATED TEAM
Cincinnati (6-1). This team has wins over UAB and UNLV and a tough loss to a decent Florida State squad yet they didn’t get one vote from the AP or the Coaches. Their 7’2” frosh, Johnny Riek goes by Dr. Fever. Oh, all right, no he doesn’t. But how could I mention Cincinnati without a WKRP reference?
Other opinions
Pat Hurley: North Carolina: “UNC is most underrated because, even though they're #1 in both polls unanimously, the votes weren't as enthusiastic as they should have been.”
Ken Robbins: George Mason: “George Mason is # 1 in the Colonial Athletic division with a big game coming up vs. Tulane.” [Ken is a Mason grad who was in a museum in Chicago when his alma mater beat UConn to get to the Final 4.]
Keith Mangas: St. Bonaventure: “Clearly, my Brown and White should get some type of mention. Andrew Nicholson, true frosh, already a 3 x A-10 rookie of the week.”
Mark Hoover: One word – wolverines [Unclear whether Mark is referring to Michigan or quoting the cult classic Red Dawn.]
Thanks for the input guys. If by chance anyone else wants to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just send an email to DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Tuesday night and it’ll be up on Wednesday.
Take it easy,
Dave
TOP 10
1.North Carolina (8-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment:
Note to my dad: the player’s name is Hansbrough. The toy company’s name is Hasbro.
2.Oklahoma (8-0)
Best Wins: Purdue and Davidson
My Irrelevant Comment:
Oklahoma could pull off the seemingly impossible by winning the football championship and the basketball championship. A feat that hasn’t been accomplished in wow it’s got to be – 2 years.
3.Gonzaga (6-0)
Best Wins: Maryland and Tennessee
My Irrelevant Comment:
If Coach Mark Few is ever incapacitated, the Zags could always use Fish from Ally McBeal a double. He’s a dead ringer. Yes, I realize that I have both dated myself and implicated my masculinity by admitting that I’ve watched Ally McBeal.
4.Xavier (7-0)
Best Wins: Memphis and Virginia Tech
My Irrelevant Comment: It’s pronounced “Zavier” not “Ex-avier.” Other hoop blogs give you insightful stats. Here you get enunciation tips. Sad but true.
5.Pitt (9-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech & Belmont
My Irrelevant Comment: How can Texas Tech and Belmont qualify as ”best wins”? When the other wins were against powerhouses such as Akron and IUPUI, that’s how.
6.UConn
Best Wins: Miami and at Wisconsin
My Irrelevant Comment: The AP and Coaches Polls both have the Huskies #2. Come on. They almost lost to Buffalo. Bet you didn’t even know Buffalo had a team. They’re the Buffalo Bulls - mimicing the alliteration of that other stellar team from the same city, the Buffalo Bills.
7. Wake Forest (8-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP
My Irrelevant Comment: You got to believe the folks at Wake Forest are happy that they chose Demon Deacons as the nickname way back when. Their other option was the Predatory Priests.
8.Texas (7-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova
Worst loss: Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment: The Texas band, with their frilly fringe filled cowboy shirts and wussy white hats, just might have been the inspiration for Brokeback Mountain.
9.Duke (8-1)
Best Wins: Southern Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue
Worst Loss: Michigan
My Irrelevant Comment: I used to hate Duke. Then everybody started hating Duke. Torn between my desire to hate and my desire for originality I went with originality. So now I don’t hate Duke. But I’m worried that everyone will soon hate Notre Dame.
10.Tennessee (6-1)
Best Win: Georgetown
Worst Loss: Gonzaga
My Irrelevant Comment: Coach Bruce Pearl is in relatively decent shape, has a full head of hair and is always happy. Thank God he sweats like a pig otherwise you wouldn’t know he’s a coach.
MOST OVERRATED TEAM
UCLA- Yes, this is the same team that I picked to win it all. They are currently ranked #14 by the Coaches and that’s really too high for a team that has lost to Texas and Michigan. I picked them based on potential. Sadly, potential is a euphemism. It’s just a nice way of saying you ain’t as good as you should be.
Other Opinions
Pat Hurley: Notre Dame: “because (1) they suck ass and always will, and (2) they scheduled an opponent called ‘South Carolina Upstate.’"
Ken Robbins: Not Davidson: “Well I was going to say that Davidson is over-rated but clearly that kid can shoot the round ball all damn day......WVU just couldn't cover the lil'guy!”
MOST UNDERRATED TEAM
Cincinnati (6-1). This team has wins over UAB and UNLV and a tough loss to a decent Florida State squad yet they didn’t get one vote from the AP or the Coaches. Their 7’2” frosh, Johnny Riek goes by Dr. Fever. Oh, all right, no he doesn’t. But how could I mention Cincinnati without a WKRP reference?
Other opinions
Pat Hurley: North Carolina: “UNC is most underrated because, even though they're #1 in both polls unanimously, the votes weren't as enthusiastic as they should have been.”
Ken Robbins: George Mason: “George Mason is # 1 in the Colonial Athletic division with a big game coming up vs. Tulane.” [Ken is a Mason grad who was in a museum in Chicago when his alma mater beat UConn to get to the Final 4.]
Keith Mangas: St. Bonaventure: “Clearly, my Brown and White should get some type of mention. Andrew Nicholson, true frosh, already a 3 x A-10 rookie of the week.”
Mark Hoover: One word – wolverines [Unclear whether Mark is referring to Michigan or quoting the cult classic Red Dawn.]
Thanks for the input guys. If by chance anyone else wants to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just send an email to DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Tuesday night and it’ll be up on Wednesday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Rant #4: In Defense Of Sideline Reporters
The consensus on female sideline reporters is that they don’t say much and what they do say is stupid. I agree. Listening to sideline reporters is a waste. But it’s well worth the effort to watch them.
Say you’ve rented, well, we’ll just call it a “movie”. First scene has five gorgeous women pool-side. They suddenly become enthralled with the pizza boy. If your reaction is to ask “Why?” you’re missing the point of the “movie.” The same is true with watching a sideline reporter.
Her entertainment value, however, goes well beyond the “soft porn” effect. I mean you have to love it when the camera shows her running to the locker room. With the “click clack, click clack” of 3 inch pumps, she clearly deserves an endorsement from Under Armour. Though if I’m going to see Erin Andrews in a commercial the item I’d like her to model is definitely not shoes.
I also get a kick out of the mid-game interview with a player’s dad. Every time the sideline reporter asks, “How do you think your son’s doing tonight?” And every time I’m just hoping to hear, “Well Erin, I really couldn’t tell you ‘cause the last 5 minutes I’ve been staring at your boobs.”
But the best part of the sideline reporter experience is the attempted interview with the coach whose team is behind by 30 at the half. The composure this coach is forced to display is Gandhi-like. He must try to answer the interviewer’s asinine questions while somehow keeping himself from checking out her ass.
Thinking back to stressful events in my life I’m pretty sure that a question posed by a sideline reporter at the half-way point would probably have caused me, and some other people, to go over the edge. Here are a few actual scenarios with the person being interviewed and the corresponding question:
Scenario #1. Me during my first driving test.
Question: Do you really think it will be necessary to continue with the second half of this test?
Scenario #2 My mother-in-law at my wedding.
Question: 30 minutes to go. Any chance you’ll look at the groom without shaking your head?
Scenario #3 Me during the bar exam.
Question: On day one you literally lost clumps of hair and your nose bled uncontrollably. Any chance for spontaneous combustion on day 2?
Scenario#4 My wife during the birth of our first child.
Question: Do you think your husband will be back from the bathroom before the delivery?
Scenario #5. Me on my 40th birthday.
Question: Do you realize that you are likely only half-way to the sweet release of death?
Occasionally a sideline reporter will actually pose a seemingly intelligent question like “Should you stay with the 2-3 or go with a box and 1?” These questions must make the coach want to remove the reporter’s ear-piece and say, “Now ask me something without the help of the dorks in the studio.”
Maybe the network execs thought that the coaches would actually enjoy dealing with stone cold babes. I’m sure they did at first. But after a while Bonnie Bernstein simply serves as a depressing reminder to the coach - the woman he’s forced to share his bed with is a comparative wildebeest.
Next time Ms. Bernstein is thrusting at some coach, try to look through the haze of smoke coming from his nose and inside a faint thought bubble you’ll see: “I cannot believe this person and my wife are both able to call themselves women. This girl’s rear end is so small I could palm it. My wife looks like she has a beanbag chair attached to her legs. I got to pull a Boeheim and get me a hotty.”
I think I’ve found a way to actually better the sideline reporter’s interview with the coach – use more than one sideline reporter. I mean a lot more. Like 15-20 more. Imagine all of these women rushing a coach at the half armed with aneurysm causing questions like, “What high school do you think you’ll be coaching at next year?”
I also picture Helen Thomas showing up shouting, “And I have a follow up question.” Yeah, I realize that Helen Thomas might actually stand out a bit and not just because she’ll be clad in her signature red. But that’s not the big problem. The big problem is I’m not sure if Helen Thomas is still alive.
Here’s an even better idea. Instead of hiring sideline reporters, just use the aspiring trophy wives who are already on the sideline. That’s right – make the cheerleaders the sideline reporters. At the half they could accost the opposing coach en masse with their own version of U.G.LY by Daphne & Celeste. It’s pretty sad that I actually know who sings that song. I also know it’s on the Bring it On Soundtrack. I’m pathetic.
Ugly-(improved by lyricist Dave Barend)
U-G-L-Y
You ain’t got no alibi you ugly
Eh! Hey! You Ugly.
You look at your feet instead of callin’ a play
Do you really think you’ll last another day?
You have no clue all you’re doing is screaming.
You’re soaked in sweat and your bald head’s gleaming
You’re senile, half-deaf and your life’s a mess
When the horn went off why’d you say God bless?
You’re short, fat and your tie’s askew
Danny DeVito could double for you
The give and go the pick and roll
Things generally mastered by a 9 year old
Ref says sit down and you show no spine
You split your pants running down the line
Your socks don’t match and there’s a pimple on your head.
Shouldn’t you be selling insurance instead?
You’re Ugly!
I've got to give a thanks to Keith Mangas for posting some complimentary comments about my blog on the St. Bona Bandwagon message board. A thanks also goes to James Healy and Sean Meskill who plugged the blog via James' massive St. Bona email chain. Go Bonnies!!
Take it easy,
Dave
Coming Wednesday: My first set of weekly rankings. Friday: Predictions for Saturday's games.
Say you’ve rented, well, we’ll just call it a “movie”. First scene has five gorgeous women pool-side. They suddenly become enthralled with the pizza boy. If your reaction is to ask “Why?” you’re missing the point of the “movie.” The same is true with watching a sideline reporter.
Her entertainment value, however, goes well beyond the “soft porn” effect. I mean you have to love it when the camera shows her running to the locker room. With the “click clack, click clack” of 3 inch pumps, she clearly deserves an endorsement from Under Armour. Though if I’m going to see Erin Andrews in a commercial the item I’d like her to model is definitely not shoes.
I also get a kick out of the mid-game interview with a player’s dad. Every time the sideline reporter asks, “How do you think your son’s doing tonight?” And every time I’m just hoping to hear, “Well Erin, I really couldn’t tell you ‘cause the last 5 minutes I’ve been staring at your boobs.”
But the best part of the sideline reporter experience is the attempted interview with the coach whose team is behind by 30 at the half. The composure this coach is forced to display is Gandhi-like. He must try to answer the interviewer’s asinine questions while somehow keeping himself from checking out her ass.
Thinking back to stressful events in my life I’m pretty sure that a question posed by a sideline reporter at the half-way point would probably have caused me, and some other people, to go over the edge. Here are a few actual scenarios with the person being interviewed and the corresponding question:
Scenario #1. Me during my first driving test.
Question: Do you really think it will be necessary to continue with the second half of this test?
Scenario #2 My mother-in-law at my wedding.
Question: 30 minutes to go. Any chance you’ll look at the groom without shaking your head?
Scenario #3 Me during the bar exam.
Question: On day one you literally lost clumps of hair and your nose bled uncontrollably. Any chance for spontaneous combustion on day 2?
Scenario#4 My wife during the birth of our first child.
Question: Do you think your husband will be back from the bathroom before the delivery?
Scenario #5. Me on my 40th birthday.
Question: Do you realize that you are likely only half-way to the sweet release of death?
Occasionally a sideline reporter will actually pose a seemingly intelligent question like “Should you stay with the 2-3 or go with a box and 1?” These questions must make the coach want to remove the reporter’s ear-piece and say, “Now ask me something without the help of the dorks in the studio.”
Maybe the network execs thought that the coaches would actually enjoy dealing with stone cold babes. I’m sure they did at first. But after a while Bonnie Bernstein simply serves as a depressing reminder to the coach - the woman he’s forced to share his bed with is a comparative wildebeest.
Next time Ms. Bernstein is thrusting at some coach, try to look through the haze of smoke coming from his nose and inside a faint thought bubble you’ll see: “I cannot believe this person and my wife are both able to call themselves women. This girl’s rear end is so small I could palm it. My wife looks like she has a beanbag chair attached to her legs. I got to pull a Boeheim and get me a hotty.”
I think I’ve found a way to actually better the sideline reporter’s interview with the coach – use more than one sideline reporter. I mean a lot more. Like 15-20 more. Imagine all of these women rushing a coach at the half armed with aneurysm causing questions like, “What high school do you think you’ll be coaching at next year?”
I also picture Helen Thomas showing up shouting, “And I have a follow up question.” Yeah, I realize that Helen Thomas might actually stand out a bit and not just because she’ll be clad in her signature red. But that’s not the big problem. The big problem is I’m not sure if Helen Thomas is still alive.
Here’s an even better idea. Instead of hiring sideline reporters, just use the aspiring trophy wives who are already on the sideline. That’s right – make the cheerleaders the sideline reporters. At the half they could accost the opposing coach en masse with their own version of U.G.LY by Daphne & Celeste. It’s pretty sad that I actually know who sings that song. I also know it’s on the Bring it On Soundtrack. I’m pathetic.
Ugly-(improved by lyricist Dave Barend)
U-G-L-Y
You ain’t got no alibi you ugly
Eh! Hey! You Ugly.
You look at your feet instead of callin’ a play
Do you really think you’ll last another day?
You have no clue all you’re doing is screaming.
You’re soaked in sweat and your bald head’s gleaming
You’re senile, half-deaf and your life’s a mess
When the horn went off why’d you say God bless?
You’re short, fat and your tie’s askew
Danny DeVito could double for you
The give and go the pick and roll
Things generally mastered by a 9 year old
Ref says sit down and you show no spine
You split your pants running down the line
Your socks don’t match and there’s a pimple on your head.
Shouldn’t you be selling insurance instead?
You’re Ugly!
I've got to give a thanks to Keith Mangas for posting some complimentary comments about my blog on the St. Bona Bandwagon message board. A thanks also goes to James Healy and Sean Meskill who plugged the blog via James' massive St. Bona email chain. Go Bonnies!!
Take it easy,
Dave
Coming Wednesday: My first set of weekly rankings. Friday: Predictions for Saturday's games.
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