Rant#8: There’s No Crying In Basketball – Anymore

See if you can follow my logic. A tough task, but give it a shot.

Many coaches claim that a bad call by a ref feels like being punched in the gut. Most people when punched in the gut react. (The exception, of course, is Bea Arthur. That chick can take a punch.) So you’d think that it would make sense that coaches would react to a bad call. But if you’re thinking, then you’re clearly not a member of the NCAA Rules Committee.

See, this past year those folks basically forbade any expression of displeasure with a ref. Which make you wonder if NCAA actually stands for No Cognitive Abilities Allowed.

Amongst the new rules are:

1.No Gesturing After A Disputed Call – This rule is not only ludicrous, but also discriminatory. It clearly renders all Italian coaches mute.

2.No Yelling – A ref misses a blatant travel. This leads the coach to yell. And who’s the bad guy? The yelling coach. Ridiculous. The ref should be immensely grateful that all the coach did was yell. Much like I should be applauded for only yelling at my mailman after he did the unthinkable - dropped last year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in a puddle.

For some reason, most people think that yelling is worse than whatever caused the yelling. I don’t buy it. So when my wife says, “I can’t believe you’re yelling at me.” I say, “No. No. No. What’s unbelievable is that you drove your SUV over our garbage can – again.”

3. No Charging After A Ref – I actually could be convinced to agree with this rule. But only if the ref has position with both feet planted. Otherwise it’s a blocking violation on the guy in stripes. The coach should then be granted one free gesticulation. And I’d suggest the same one my father uses instead of his turn signal.

The result of these rules:

A bunch of coaches gliding up and down the sideline with their hands and arms grasped behind their backs. They look as if they they’re trying to make the Olympic Speed skating team. You truly need to check out Indiana’s coach Tom Crean. I swear he’s doing the Safety Dance. I’m also pretty sure he told his assistants, “You can dance if you want to and you can leave your friends behind, but if you don’t dance then you’re no friend of mine.”

What’s really unfair about this emotional restraint is that these coaches, like most married men, must perpetually display fake emotions to appease their wives. Take a coach with kids. He undoubtedly pretended to appear overcome with joy when his pregnant wife forced him to feel the baby kicking. He, of course, was really thinking, “What if her ass stays this big?”

So he should be allowed to show some honest emotion when something truly important happens – you know, like when his point guard fouls out.

I’ve, therefore, come up with 4 better ways to handle the so-called lack of coaching decorum.

1. A 10 Second Rule – Allow the coach to yell, gesture, and pretty much do anything short of strangle the ref – but just for 10 seconds. Imagine the entertainment value of an unadulterated tirade by Rick Pitino or John Calipari. You’d learn more Italian swear words in those 10 seconds than you did during an entire season of the Sopranos. I also think the ref should have to do a count down with his arm as if he were counting out a boxer. And if the coach stops in time, the Jumbotron could show the final 10 second count from Rocky II – arguably the best 10 seconds in the history of cinema.

2. Allow Ventriloquism – I know what you’re thinking – sheer brilliance. Okay maybe not. But if a coach uses a miniature of himself to berate a ref then it’s really not like the coach is doing anything wrong – it’s the wooden guy sitting on his lap. No technical foul gets called unless replay shows the coach’s lips moving. I also love the redundancy in a Jim Boeheim Dummy. As well as the seeming impossibility of a “Little Rick Majerus.”

3. Let Refs Yell Back – You have to bet that most referees would gladly give up their power to T-up a coach for the opportunity to retaliate with their own verbal assault. I suggest a game of “the dozens” and if the ref runs out of “Your mother’s so ugly” lines first, he reverses the call that commenced the fight. Now if some of these refs feel they aren’t witty enough to spar with the coaches, the NCAA should provide them with tutelage from Don Rickles and Dennis Leary. They can take those lessons during the time that they clearly aren’t using to better their refereeing skills.

4.Permit Charades – If yelling is truly offensive, I think coaches should be able to try to get their point across via everyone’s favorite non-verbal game. Have the ref flip over one of those mini hourglass thingys and then try to figure out what the coach is trying to convey before the sand seeps to the other side. I envision something like this:

Ref: All right here we go. Uh, I’m not too good at charades. But I think you’re saying there’s 2 words. No, 2 syllables? Yes. Second syllable is - you’re making a circle with your arms – no a barrel, no, oh, now you seem to be digging and – oh it’s a hole. Yes. Great. Now, the first syllable. You are pointing to your rear end. The second syllable is rear end - no your butt, no your anus, no your ass? Yes! Great! So first syllable is your ass and second syllable is – hole. I don’t get it.

Obviously the best solution to decrease coaching outbursts would simply be to get better referees. But that would be logical. And though you may have the ability to follow sound logic, that’s clearly asking too much of the NCAA.

Take it easy,
Dave

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Next set of Rankings & Irrelevant Comments coming Thursday.