Thursday, December 24, 2009

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 8

Below is week 9’s Hopefully Humorous Rankings – slightly better than a lump of coal.

Top 10

1.Kansas – The Jayhawks played Michigan in ESPN’s “Green Game”. I think I actually picked up an important environmental tip during the telecast: If you sit in the stands with your body painted green you are unlikely to raise much awareness to global warming. But you might raise some to gangrene.

2.Kentucky – Last week Bobby Knight publicly chastised UK Coach John Calipari for his lack of character. This week it is expected that Rick Pitino will chastise Tiger Woods for his lack of fidelity.

3.Texas: Answer: Notre Dame Football and Duke Basketball. Question: What are 2 things you would definitely not expect to hear referenced during a game between the Longhorns and UNC? Unless of course, you knew that the announcer was going to be Dick Vitale.

4.Purdue – The Boilermakers played The University of Southern Illinois–Edwardsville on Tuesday. That school had thought about shortening it’s name to Ed U. It then realized that “Ed” is an abbreviation for education. That might lead to the students expecting to receive one.

5.Syracuse –A joyous, but brief moment for my beloved Bonnies occurred when ESPN’s scroll showed St. Bonaventure 33 Syracuse 30. Actually it didn’t say St. Bonventure 33; it said “St. Bon 33.” It would have been an even better moment if ESPN could have just added an “a” to the Bon. Then my friends might not have added an “er”.

6.West Virginia – The Mountaineers have a forward named Da’Sean Butler. Syracuse has a guy named DaShonte Riley and ECU has DaQuan Joyner. Wonder if I would have been a better basketball player had my parents named me Da’Dave. Nah. I would’ve just ended up with a nickname of “Duh”.

7.Duke – The Blue Devils’ last game was December 19 and they don’t play again till the 29th. That gives the Cameron Crazies loads of time to come up with some new antics. Here’s my suggestion: All the students shove as many cigarettes in their mouths as possible. No, not to symbolize that their school was essentially founded with tobacco $. But so they’ll croak.

8.Villanova – Reggie Redding is finally back from a 10 game suspension for driving into a cross-walk sign. How do you hit a cross-walk sign? Actually I could see it happening. You’re driving along and you see a figure with no hands, no feet and a circular black head not attached to his completely black body. You think to yourself, “I must run this alien creature over to save the world!” Who would possible think that? Someone who’s stoned.

9. UConn- I just noticed that UConn’s logo depicts a huskie with its tongue hanging out. I’m not sure that a picture of a panting exhausted dog is all that intimidating. In fact, the message I take from it is, “We are severely out of shape.”

10. New Mexico – The Lobos are having a great season. They are well coached and stocked with underrated talent. But that’s not why I figured they’d beat Oral Roberts this week. The reason I figured that they’d beat Oral Roberts is, well, I’m pretty sure that Oral Roberts is dead.

Merry Christmas,
Dave

Friday, December 18, 2009

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 7

Below is week 7 of my hopefully humors rankings. Think of it as an early Christmas present. Whether it should be thought of like a new flat screen tv or a 3 pack of underwear, well, I guess that’s up to you.

Top 10

1.Kansas – Last week I watched two sets of twins play against each other during the LaSalle vs. Kansas game. Really? Yup. As unbelievable as it may seem, I assure you that I actually watched the LaSalle vs. Kansas game.

2. Texas – The Longhorns play UNC on Saturday in the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium. Texas fans are at bit worried about Dexter Pittman though. Not because of his penchant for fouling, but because of his potential to block the jumbo-tron.

3.Kentucky – UK plays Austin Peay this week. So all together now – “Go Peay!” Well, unless you’re a Wildcats fan. Or incontinent.

4.Purdue & West Virginia (tie) – Purdue is playing on New Years’ day in the toilet bowl. No, I’m not referring to one of those many irrelevant college football bowl games. I’m referring to the state of West Virginia.

6.Syracuse – Sophomore guard Scoop Jardine has a legitimate shot at making it to the NBA. Apparently his folks were hoping he’d choose a different career – as the ice cream truck man.

7.Duke – Brian Zoubek could be Duke’s Superman. Granted, he’s not quite a full “Man of Steel” yet. But his total lack of ball handling skills leads me to believe that he already has the hands.

8.Tenessee – The Volunteers’ basketball players are a little upset that the university sent those buxom “hostesses” to help recruit football players. I guess the school figured its hoop team would get enough cleavage exposure from the chest of Bruce Pearl.

9.Villanova – Villanova, St. Joe’s, Penn, LaSalle, and Temple are all part of the Philadelphia Big 5. So what does that say about Philly based Drexel? That they’re brilliant. As opposed to “Philadelphia’s Big 5” there’s at least a chance that a recruit might not realize where Drexel is located.

10. North Carolina – UNC is hoping to make it to Indianapolis for the Final 4. About 70,000 fans will also fill the Lucas Oil Stadium. Most will likely shell out hundreds of dollars without being able to see much of anything, but just to be able to say, “I was there.” There's a much cheaper way to be able to say, “I was there." It just requires a little something I learned in law school – a lie.

Take it easy,
Dave

Friday, December 11, 2009

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 6

With apologies to Dr. Seuss, I give you week 6 of my hopefully humorous rankings.

Top 10

1.Kansas – Critics are claiming that KU’s bench isn’t playing up to its potential. I don’t agree. There’s actually one guy on that bench who tallied an amazing 31 points and 18 rebounds in his last game for the Jayhawks. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t be counting the stats of Assistant Coach Danny Manning.

2.Villanova – The Wildcats attempted 39 three-pointers in a game this past week setting a new team record. Can’t say that I’m all that impressed. In fact I’m pretty sure I could have broken that record all by myself. I don’t mean to brag, but during my basketball career I was quite a prolific attempter.

3.Texas – The Longhorns next two opponents are Texas State and Texas Pan-American. Hard to believe that these two future blowouts will take place in an arena called “The Special Events Center.”

4.Purdue – Kramer is shooting an impressive 60% for the Boilermakers so far this year. His coaches think he could play even better if he would just watch his diet. He really has to stop eating all that sugar cereal in Jerry’s apartment.

5.Kentucky – So I was reading the classic “Hop On Pop” to my 3 year-old yesterday. We made it to the part about the ball and the wall (truly the dramatic high point of this piece of literature.) It then hit me that Kentucky should publish its own version for super-Frosh John Wall. Maybe something like:

John Wall can ball
John Wall is tall
Tall John Wall can haul with the ball.
Is John Wall in study hall?
No, John Wall who can haul with the ball is not in study hall.
Because in 6 months the NBA will call.
Then it’s bye-bye college basketball for tall John Wall.

6.Syracuse – The Orange will not have its first true away game until the end of December. All those home games have to be a big plus for the players. And it would be even better if home for Syracuse wasn’t in Syracuse.

7.Duke – During the Blue Devils game vs. UConn, I saw a guy wearing what I thought was a shirt that said Duke. Closer look revealed that the D was actually a P. Turns out that some folks found that to be offensive. No, not the Duke alum, but members of the Kate Moss Fan Club.

8.Georgetown – The Hoyas have a roster filled with massive and athletic guys, but they continue to run that slow and rather wussy “Princeton Offense.” Keep it up and they might want to change their name to Gerogette-town.

9.Tennessee – The Volunteers have a game coming up against Charlotte. Any idea what conference Charlotte is in? Hint: there are 14 teams in its conference. Answer: The Atlantic 10 – of course.

10. West Virginia - The Mountaineers just pummeled Duquesne. Any idea what conference Duquesne is in? Hint: the conference is named after the location of its members and Duquesne is in Pittsburgh. Answer: The Atlantic 10 – of course.

Yes, the Atlantic 10 - the only conference that is both geographically and numerically incorrect.

Here are 3 better names for the Atlantic 10:
1.The Atlantic 800 – as in # of miles from A10 member St. Louis Univ. to the Atlantic
2.The Artic 43 – makes as much sense as the Atlantic 10.
3. Xavier’s Conference

Take it easy,
Dave

Friday, December 4, 2009

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 5

Below is Week #5’s Hopefully Humorous Rankings. Boeheim is back.

Top 10

1.Kansas – KU’s hoops coach, Bill Self, said he was extremely embarrassed over the 3 fights that his team had with the Jayhawks’ football players earlier this fall. Wait a minute. There’s 85 guys on the football team and they couldn’t knockout a dozen basketball players in 3 rounds? I’d say the football coach is the one who should be embarrassed.

2. Kentucky - Back in 1988 when current Wildcats coach John Calipari was at UMASS, Rick Pitino made a donation to cover almost 10% of Coach Cal’s salary. Wonder if Pitino now thinks that money might have gone to better use. Like maybe to keep the mouth of Karen Sypher shut.

3. West Virginia – Devin Ebanks’ mom was a corrections officer at Rikers Island prison. This came in handy whenever young Devin was subjected to the razzing of “My dad can beat up your dad”. All he had to say was, “Heck, my mom can beat up your dad.”

4. Texas- When Damion Jones learned that the likelihood of him being chosen by an NBA team looked dim, he withdrew his name form last year’s draft. The Texas fans were elated. But was this really great news? How fantastic can you be if you weren’t even wanted by the Nets?

5.Villanova – Corey Stokes and Corey Fisher are Villanova’s version of Hollywood’s two Coreys – Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. There is, of course, one glaring difference – Haim and Feldman can’t act.

6.Syracuse – How do you lose to Lemoyne, but then blow out North Carolina? How do you marry a babe despite having a face that resembles and Idaho Spud? The answers to these and other questions can be found in the yet to be written book entitled, “Things only Jim Boeheim knows.”

7. Purdue – There’s a Bird playing college hoops in Indiana again – Purdue’s D.J. Byrd to be exact. The comparison might be a tad premature though. While Larry made countless jumpers from the baseline, D.J. seems to be spending his time on the sideline. Not by choice. But ‘cause that’s where the bench is.

8. Tennessee - With the entire starting line-up back, the Volunteers might make the Final 4, but that’s not all the Tennessee fans are hoping for. What they really want is for Coach Pearl to make it through the season without stripping on national television.

9. Washington – Quincy Pondexter was the Huskies most improved player in 2009. Quincy Pondexter was also the team’s most improved player in 2008. This begs the question: How much did Quincy Pondexter suck in 2007?

10. Duke – The Blue Devils used to be called the Blue & White. Now they just go with the blue because the white is obvious.

Take it easy,
Dave