My wife likes to describe me as: stressed, humorous and prone to protracted bathroom visits. She claims I go in the bathroom just to hide. That’s not true. I go in there to read too.
Yes, there’s basically a library next to my commode. Last check I have an SI, an ESPN Magazine, 3 Pre-season College Basketball guides, a copy of Ulysses (with a bookmark shoved between pages 4 and 5) and an edition of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. Pretty sure I’ve been sweating the small stuff since my first communal shower after 7th grade gym class.
There’s also a 3-inch hand held RCA antenna TV. You know, so I can keep up with my soaps. Come on. Do I strike you as a fan of General Hospital? I assure you I could care less. Though I may just kill myself if things don’t work out for Luke and Laura.
The little TV is there for one reason – college basketball viewing during “emergencies.” Like when I try to watch triple overtime though it was back at the half when my chili kicked in.
You might wonder why, in those circumstances, I don’t just record the end of the games. That’s because my DVR is perpetually filled with multiple seasons of Desperate Housewives and Dora The Explorer. That may beg the question: Who wears the pants in the house? Answer: nobody. It’s filled with women – sadly, me included. (I have, however, often thought that Dora should do little exploring down Wysteria Lane. Maybe then she’d realize that she could stand to shed a few pounds.)
Using my little TV works just fine. Well, that is until February 18th. That’s the very sad day when analog antenna reception will no longer exist. You may have seen the advertisements about how the switch to digital will definitely not affect you. They need to amend that and add, “unless you have digestive issues.”
But on Tuesday there was fabulous news – Senator Rockefeller of West Virginia had passed a bill delaying the conversion until well after March Madness. Reportedly, more time was needed to help people with obsolete TVs. That’s just spin. Real reason: Senator Rockefeller is both a Mountaineers basketball fan and a sufferer of irritable bowl syndrome.
So I was euphoric – until Wednesday, when the bill was rejected by the morons in the House. Sorry for the redundancy.
This has left me quite depressed. My little TV was actually a gift from my wife and I must say it was the best gift ever. In fact, Lexus should really put me in one of their commercials during the NCAA Tourney. You know, the ones where a little kid is with a Big Wheel, or an Atari, or a pony and says it was the “best gift ever.” Yeah, they could have me with my little TV sitting on – yeah, that probably wouldn’t help sell cars.
But it’s not just the bathroom where this TV has been needed. In March 2004, I was lying on the couch and enjoying some prime time NCAA Tourney action when in walked my wife. She looked like death and said she was going to the hospital. Like a good husband, my immediate reaction was to say, “So, should I order pizza or do you think you’ll be back to make dinner?” I stand by the appropriateness of that response. She said “she” was going to the hospital not “we”.
I trucked her to the ER and the doctors swooped her up as if she’d been a gunshot victim. That left poor me in a waiting room filled with people glued to TNT – aka the “Law and Order” channel. Luckily, I came equipped with my 3-inch RCA and I didn’t miss a minute. 4 hours later the doctors brought me to her room. My wife’s was lying there, and with a tear coming down her face she said, “They say it’s double pneumonia. I can’t leave for at least another 2 hours.” I said, “Don’t worry honey. I have my little TV.”
The following year my sister set her wedding for Championship Weekend. As this was during Lent, she could only have the ceremony on that date with permission from the Bishop. Amazingly, the Bishop opted to allow the wedding to take place despite my incessant phone calls citing Canon Law. Even more mind-boggling was that this was taking place in Indiana. How could the Hoosier State sanction any marriage during March Madness?
My initial idea was to try to find a way to postpone the wedding. I knew who I had to contact – Digger Phelps. Many years back he had taken my sister to dinner. Maybe he still held a torch for her. Maybe he’d make a call. Maybe the wedding could get shelved. Maybe he could get me some tickets to the Tourney. So I found his e-mail address and told him what was going on. About 5 days later I got a response - an advertisement for his book: “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Basketball by Digger Phelps.” In the entire history of publishing there has never been a more appropriate title.
Once again, I had to rely on my mini TV. With the entire wedding party circled around my little 3-inch screen, the priest walks in the vestibule and says, “It’s time to go. Oh wow, is that the Louisville game?” Sure is Father, and there’s 2 minutes left. During that “2 minutes”, the violinist must have gone through a dozen renditions of Pachelbel’s Cannon D. When the game ended there was an unmistakable grin on the face of the priest. Some think he had money on the game. Others think he was just enjoying the camera shots of the ball boys. All I could think was, thank God for my little TV.
Next year, I’m back in the hospital again with my wife. This time for the birth of our second child. I really can’t blame her for this one though. Nope, the fault lies completely with my neighbor. Once again, I think clarification may be called for. On the previous Father’s Day, I yell to my neighbor, “Happy Father’s Day, Andy.” He yells back, “Same to you. Be the King!” So I thought, yeah, I should be the king. And later that night, my wife, well, let me be the king. Exactly nine months later we’re in the maternity ward – during round 3 of the NCAA Tournament. Lesson to be learned: 9 months from Father’s Day is the NCAA Tournament.
Didn’t matter though, I had my mini TV and saw every second of the Tournament. I also got to see one of life’s true miracles – Duke losing.
But without my TV, I would have missed that precious moment. And after February 18t,h, my Hoop TV will be no more. I have tried to come up with some solutions for this year’s Tourney.
1.Avoid All Bran Products – This will not only lead to less voyages to the toilet, but it will eliminate any interruption of the games by my wife. See, her maiden name is Bran. Come to think of it, so to is the last name of my mother-in-law. It’s actually spelled Brann – second “n” needed for the extra “nagging.” But not during the Tourney this year. When she calls I can honestly say, “Sorry, can’t talk, I’ve cut out Brann”
2.Get A Laptop – A computer with access to CBS’ Internet coverage could work. But the thought of that reminds of an interview I once saw on 20/20 of Whoppi Goldberg. I swear to God, there was a shot of her playing a xylophone while - on the John. That’s an image I don’t need reinforced. It also brings a whole different meaning to the title of her show – “The View”
3.Put Cable In The Commode –When my wife and I bought our house we could not agree as to what should go into the bathroom. I wanted cable. She wanted potpourri and little annoying unusable towels. So we compromised and went with - potpourri and those little annoying unusable towels. Such is married life.
4.Buy The Converter Box – Hmmm. The only problem is the box needs to be plugged in. So, if I were to go out to dinner how would that work? Ahh. Just bring an extension cord with me. And a sedative for my wife.
5. Write My Congressman – The news reports note that there is still time for another bill to pass before the end of analog kicks in on February 18 – or, as I like to call it Armageddon. I’ve, therefore, written the following letter to my congressman: Representative James McGovern.
Dear Congressman McGovern,
I’m a huge college basketball fan. I also have digestive problems. Why am I telling you this? See, on February 18th the analog signal needed to operate my little 3-inch TV will cease. And so will my ability to watch the NCAA Tournament when nature calls.
So I’m begging you Congressman, please re-introduce some legislation that will delay the switch to digital TV until after the Tournament. Now some people might think I should be writing to you about the economy. But you folks on Capitol Hill clearly have that all figured out.
In return for your efforts, I promise the votes of every one of my readers. Though I should reveal that only two of them live in your district. I could instead offer you free entry into my NCAA pool. Unless participating in an arguably illegal contest of betting on collegiate athletics might reflect poorly on your image. If so, let me know. Then I’ll just funnel some of the proceeds from my pool to your campaign fund.
Sincerely,
Dave Barend
Yes, I actually did forward this letter on to the Congressman. So please keep your fingers crossed that the February date will get postponed. Or at least hope that my letter doesn’t constitute some Federal crime.
Take it easy,
Dave
A special thanks to Suzanne Hinckley for her General Hospital knowledge.
Next set of Rankings and Irrelevant Comments coming Thursday. If you’d like to contribute an opinion on any college hoop team, just email me your comment by Wednesday night to davebarend@yahoo.com.
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