My Christmas gift to you – another partial list of the current rankings with some humor, well, hopefully.
2.Ohio State – I saw in the paper that the Buckeyes were playing #4 UConn Sunday afternoon. When I tuned in I depressingly discovered it was a women’s game. After watching a few minutes I became even more depressed - I was reminded that I play basketball worse than girls.
3.Kansas - The Jayhawks’ freshman superstar, John Selby, played in his first game Saturday. He had 5 rebounds, 21 points and hit a clutch 3-pointer in the win against USC. Prior to tip-off, Seth Davis predicted Selby would “take a few games to jell”. Post –game, Davis’ claimed he was actually referring to Selby’s tube of slow acting DEP.
48.Oakland – After the Golden Grizzles beat #7 Tennessee, I did some research to see if they might be the best team in California. Turns out, they aren’t even close. Mainly because they are located in Michigan.
132. St. Bonaventure - My beloved Bonnies beat Ohio University in 4 overtimes. A mere 3053 people showed up for the game. I guess that’s to be expected. I mean, how do they expect to draw people when ESPN was, at the same time, showing the uDrove Humanitarian Bowl?
Take it easy,
Dave
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week4
Below is this week’s partial rankings. I hope it’s at least partially funny.
9.Baylor – High scoring LaceDarius Dunn was arrested this fall for assaulting his girlfriend, Lacharlesla Edwards. Some people think it was a mistake for the two to reconcile. I agree. I mean, how do they think they are ever going to find a wedding invitation big enough for both of their names?
16.Kentucky – The Wildcats are still trying to appeal the ruling that Enes Kanter is ineligible because he made over $30,000 while playing in Turkey. I wish them luck, but I think they are going to need a stronger argument. I just don’t think the NCAA is going to be persuaded by the fact that all the other players on Kentucky are making over $50,000.
21.BYU – I can’t quite figure out why BYU’s nickname is the Cougars. I guess it’s just because Brigham Young himself had a thing for horny older women.
29.Cleveland State – The official website for Cleveland State indicates that the school’s motto is “Engaged Learning.” That’s somewhat similar to the motto I try to pass on to America’s youth: “Learn To Never Get Engaged.”
Take it easy,
Dave Barend
9.Baylor – High scoring LaceDarius Dunn was arrested this fall for assaulting his girlfriend, Lacharlesla Edwards. Some people think it was a mistake for the two to reconcile. I agree. I mean, how do they think they are ever going to find a wedding invitation big enough for both of their names?
16.Kentucky – The Wildcats are still trying to appeal the ruling that Enes Kanter is ineligible because he made over $30,000 while playing in Turkey. I wish them luck, but I think they are going to need a stronger argument. I just don’t think the NCAA is going to be persuaded by the fact that all the other players on Kentucky are making over $50,000.
21.BYU – I can’t quite figure out why BYU’s nickname is the Cougars. I guess it’s just because Brigham Young himself had a thing for horny older women.
29.Cleveland State – The official website for Cleveland State indicates that the school’s motto is “Engaged Learning.” That’s somewhat similar to the motto I try to pass on to America’s youth: “Learn To Never Get Engaged.”
Take it easy,
Dave Barend
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week3
Below is this week’s Top 25 minus 21. Enjoy.
2. Ohio State – Opposing coaches have claimed that every time Jared Sullinger throws a pick it is illegal. It’s not that he’s breaking the rules. It’s that when he causes someone to run into his 6’ 9”, 280 pound body he’s committing an assault and battery with a deadly weapon.
7. Syracuse - Coming from Brazil, Federico Melo is experiencing some culture shock. The carnival he went to in Syracuse was not much like Carnival. Though both have odd looking folks in strange get ups, the people at the carnival weren’t wearing costumes.
19. San Diego State – In the 1920’s SD State changed its colors from purple and gold to scarlet and black. It did so to stop people from confusing their letterman jackets with those of a high school with the same colors. Unfortunately some confusion with that high school remains. Not with the jackets, but with the level of education.
25. Notre Dame – Though the Fighting Irish are currently undefeated, the critics point to their lack of a road victory. But that would mean that ND’s 3 wins in Disney World don’t really count. I actually think they deserve an extra win. You know, for escaping the Magic Kingdom without a single homicide.
Take it easy,
Dave
2. Ohio State – Opposing coaches have claimed that every time Jared Sullinger throws a pick it is illegal. It’s not that he’s breaking the rules. It’s that when he causes someone to run into his 6’ 9”, 280 pound body he’s committing an assault and battery with a deadly weapon.
7. Syracuse - Coming from Brazil, Federico Melo is experiencing some culture shock. The carnival he went to in Syracuse was not much like Carnival. Though both have odd looking folks in strange get ups, the people at the carnival weren’t wearing costumes.
19. San Diego State – In the 1920’s SD State changed its colors from purple and gold to scarlet and black. It did so to stop people from confusing their letterman jackets with those of a high school with the same colors. Unfortunately some confusion with that high school remains. Not with the jackets, but with the level of education.
25. Notre Dame – Though the Fighting Irish are currently undefeated, the critics point to their lack of a road victory. But that would mean that ND’s 3 wins in Disney World don’t really count. I actually think they deserve an extra win. You know, for escaping the Magic Kingdom without a single homicide.
Take it easy,
Dave
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week2
ESPN’s “Feast Week” has come to a close and below are some of the leftovers. I hope you enjoy them more than peas.
9.Kentucky – The Wildcats lost to UConn who got 29 points from Kemba Walker. When I mentioned Kemba’s impressive performance during Thanksgiving dinner, my wife asked, “How is it possible that so many points could be scored by a former Playboy centerfold?”
10. Syracuse – The Orange have a game coming up against the Drexel Dragons. Two of Drexel’s players were arrested prior to the season for brandishing a loaded gun. They really didn’t mean any harm. They were just confused with the motto: “We don’t rebuild. We reload.”
25. North Carolina - According to Wikipedia, UNC’s nickname, the Tar Heels, derived from Confederate soldiers who “stuck to their ranks with tar on their heels.” Though impressive during battle, someone should tell Coach Williams that it’s not the best way to play defense.
31.Wisconsin – The Badgers made it to the finals of the Old Spice Classic in Disney World. I found that surprising. No, not that Wisconsin did so well. But, as someone who has stood hour-long lines for Space Mountain, I was previously convinced that all deodorants were banned from The Magic Kingdom.
Take it easy,
Dave
9.Kentucky – The Wildcats lost to UConn who got 29 points from Kemba Walker. When I mentioned Kemba’s impressive performance during Thanksgiving dinner, my wife asked, “How is it possible that so many points could be scored by a former Playboy centerfold?”
10. Syracuse – The Orange have a game coming up against the Drexel Dragons. Two of Drexel’s players were arrested prior to the season for brandishing a loaded gun. They really didn’t mean any harm. They were just confused with the motto: “We don’t rebuild. We reload.”
25. North Carolina - According to Wikipedia, UNC’s nickname, the Tar Heels, derived from Confederate soldiers who “stuck to their ranks with tar on their heels.” Though impressive during battle, someone should tell Coach Williams that it’s not the best way to play defense.
31.Wisconsin – The Badgers made it to the finals of the Old Spice Classic in Disney World. I found that surprising. No, not that Wisconsin did so well. But, as someone who has stood hour-long lines for Space Mountain, I was previously convinced that all deodorants were banned from The Magic Kingdom.
Take it easy,
Dave
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week1
Instead of just doing the Top 10, this year I’ve decided to throw in some other random teams. Why? To mix it up a bit. I’ve also decided to go with 4 instead of 10. Why? Because 4 is less than 10.
1.Duke – On ESPN this past Friday night, Dick Vitale claimed that Coach K was the best coach of any team of any sport on any level. I think Vitale might have forgotten something. No, not that Bill Belichick has won 3 Super Bowls or that Phil Jackson has 11 rings. But that he was calling a game between Pitt and Texas.
3.Kansas State – It surprised me that prep school star Nino Williams signed with Kansas State. I figured he would have fit in much better at University of Kansas. You know, since he’s from Leavenworth.
20.Temple – I’m hoping that Temple’s upcoming game against Cal is televised and that Chris Berman does the play by play. I’d love to see what kind of nickname he could come up with for Cal’s sophomore, Bak Bak.
23.Tennessee – Coach Bruce Pearl was suspended by the SEC for 8 games because he had recruits over to his house for dinner. This has made the other SEC coaches quite happy. They think they can use this ruling to keep unwanted friends and family from coming to their homes for Thanksgiving dinner.
Take it easy,
Dave
1.Duke – On ESPN this past Friday night, Dick Vitale claimed that Coach K was the best coach of any team of any sport on any level. I think Vitale might have forgotten something. No, not that Bill Belichick has won 3 Super Bowls or that Phil Jackson has 11 rings. But that he was calling a game between Pitt and Texas.
3.Kansas State – It surprised me that prep school star Nino Williams signed with Kansas State. I figured he would have fit in much better at University of Kansas. You know, since he’s from Leavenworth.
20.Temple – I’m hoping that Temple’s upcoming game against Cal is televised and that Chris Berman does the play by play. I’d love to see what kind of nickname he could come up with for Cal’s sophomore, Bak Bak.
23.Tennessee – Coach Bruce Pearl was suspended by the SEC for 8 games because he had recruits over to his house for dinner. This has made the other SEC coaches quite happy. They think they can use this ruling to keep unwanted friends and family from coming to their homes for Thanksgiving dinner.
Take it easy,
Dave
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Pre-Season Final 4 & Irrelevant Comments
Below are my hopefully humorous pre-season Final 4 picks. Though, like most people not in Durham, I kind of hope my first pick is wrong.
1.Duke – The Blue Devils first game is against Princeton Sunday in the 10th year of the CBE Classic. That’s quite sad. No, not the match-up. But the fact that something created during my lifetime could possibly be considered a “Classic”. It’s almost as depressing as the time when I heard “The Safety Dance” on the radio and then realized that I was listening to an oldies station.
2.Michigan State – After a big play, Spartans’ guard, Kalin Lucas loves to “jersey pop”. You know, by pulling on the top from of his jersey. He apparently thinks this is quite “bad-ass”. Really? How “bad-ass” can an act be that makes a guy look like he has boobs?
3.Pittsburgh – The Panthers open the season on Monday against Rhode Island. Now that seems appropriate. See ‘cause, Pittsburgh very much likes to be called Pitt and the state of Rhode Island is very much like a pit.
4.Memphis – It might be a stretch to pick the young Tigers for the Final 4, but I really like their new forward, Hippolyte Tsfack. As hoops names go, Hippolyte is definitely top notch. But I can assure you with first hand knowledge that it is not a great pet name for a wife.
Take it easy,
Dave
1.Duke – The Blue Devils first game is against Princeton Sunday in the 10th year of the CBE Classic. That’s quite sad. No, not the match-up. But the fact that something created during my lifetime could possibly be considered a “Classic”. It’s almost as depressing as the time when I heard “The Safety Dance” on the radio and then realized that I was listening to an oldies station.
2.Michigan State – After a big play, Spartans’ guard, Kalin Lucas loves to “jersey pop”. You know, by pulling on the top from of his jersey. He apparently thinks this is quite “bad-ass”. Really? How “bad-ass” can an act be that makes a guy look like he has boobs?
3.Pittsburgh – The Panthers open the season on Monday against Rhode Island. Now that seems appropriate. See ‘cause, Pittsburgh very much likes to be called Pitt and the state of Rhode Island is very much like a pit.
4.Memphis – It might be a stretch to pick the young Tigers for the Final 4, but I really like their new forward, Hippolyte Tsfack. As hoops names go, Hippolyte is definitely top notch. But I can assure you with first hand knowledge that it is not a great pet name for a wife.
Take it easy,
Dave
Sunday, April 4, 2010
One Sh!tty Moment - 2010
After the championship game, CBS once again showed a montage of Tourney clips set to “One Shining Moment”. The lyrics are below. Interspersed within those lyrics are the words to the 2010 version of my song – “One Sh!tty Moment”, written for all of you who, like me, had their brackets destroyed well before Monday’s big game. Enjoy.
One Sh!tty Moment - 2010
The ball is tipped
(Kansas got whipped)
and there you are
(So you head to a bar)
you're running for your life
(Hiding from your wife)
you're a shooting star
(‘Cause you bet too much by far.)
And all the years
(Downin’ all those beers)
no one knows
(hoping no one knows)
just how hard you worked
(despite how hard you worked)
but now it shows...
(you forgot that Boeheim blows!)
IN ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(In One Sh!tty Moment)
IT'S ALL ON THE LINE
(ND’s Goddy Seemed Blind)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
THERE FROZEN IN TIME
(St. Mary’s kicked ‘Nova’s behind)
But time is short
(Kentucky came up short)
and the road is long
(Baylor didn’t stay too long)
in the blinking of an eye
(You let out a sigh)
ah that moment's gone
(Your Final 4 is gone.)
And when it's done
(Though K-State made it fun)
win or lose
(to watch Xavier lose,)
you always did your best
(2 OTs meant no rest)
cuz inside you knew...
(So next day’s work you screwed)
THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
(You Knew Georgetown Hadn’t Tried)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE
(You Puked With Each Duke High Five)
Feel the beat of your heart
(WV’s loss stopped your heart)
feel the wind in your face
(But Huggins didn’t wipe tears from “your” face.)
it's more than a contest
(And Cornell won? A math contest?)
it's more than a race...
(Then the Spartans put you in your place.)
And when it's done
(Picked Butler out in Round 1)
win or lose
(Yeah, you can really choose)
you always did your best
(Thought you were up for the test)
cuz inside you knew...
(But Murray State? Who knew?)
THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(That One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED FOR THE SKY
(Northern Iowa Just Wouldn’t Die)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU WERE WILLING TO TRY
(So Throw Away Those Brackets – They Just Make You Cry.)
Until next year -
Take it easy,
Dave
“Who’s Who” of who is still alive in the Free pool:
(Also known as the list of people who have yet to have their One Sh!tty Moment.)
Butler Wins:
1.Michael Wood ($1,967.87)– My 6’ 4” neighbor who used to be UConn’s strength coach and was listed by Men’s Journal amongst the top 100 fitness trainers in the US. Whenever my wife sees him out walking his tiny little dog she always comments, “Oh, how cute.” Wait a minute. It’s just hitting me that my wife might not be referring to the dog.
2. (Tie) Jon Weideman ($490.46) – A man with whom I’ve showered many times. I should probably explain that. Jon and I went to St. Bonaventure University where the dorms are equipped with communal showers. Yeah, you’d think that would be the situation at a Catholic school.
2.(Tie) Julia Wood ($490.46)– Though ranked by “ESPN Rise” as one of the best guards in Massachusetts, she has yet to beat me in a game of H-O-R-S-E. That could be because she has yet to play me in a game of H-O-R-S-E.
4.(Tie) Charles O’Shea ($81.74)– A person whom I’ve never met. According to my sister Samara, he is a good friend of hers. Not sure what that means. She considers Julia Stiles to be a friend based on the fact that they once shared a cab.
4.(Tie) Michael Joyce ($81.74) – My sister’s boyfriend’s brother-in-law. He is, therefore, living proof that I truly ask everyone I know, to ask everyone they know, to join this pool.
Duke Wins:
1.Eric Anable ($1,961.87)– An old friend dating back to junior high with whom I reconnected with recently via the power of Facebook. He and I played on a travel soccer team called Ajax. He then got really good, and moved on to play for 409.
2.Mark Hoover ($653.96)– Clearly someone who now hates the power of Facebook. He's also a BC Law buddy who has yet to recover from the fact that “Jackass 2” got snubbed at the Oscars.
3.Michael Wood ($326.97) – See Above
4 (Tie) Jon Weideman ($81.74) – See Above
4. (Tie) Julia Wood – ($81.74) - See Above
Jimmy V - $163.48
*(An extra $25 was donated by Tyler Bonstead to the Jimmy V Foundation)
Good Luck To All,
Dave
One Sh!tty Moment - 2010
The ball is tipped
(Kansas got whipped)
and there you are
(So you head to a bar)
you're running for your life
(Hiding from your wife)
you're a shooting star
(‘Cause you bet too much by far.)
And all the years
(Downin’ all those beers)
no one knows
(hoping no one knows)
just how hard you worked
(despite how hard you worked)
but now it shows...
(you forgot that Boeheim blows!)
IN ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(In One Sh!tty Moment)
IT'S ALL ON THE LINE
(ND’s Goddy Seemed Blind)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
THERE FROZEN IN TIME
(St. Mary’s kicked ‘Nova’s behind)
But time is short
(Kentucky came up short)
and the road is long
(Baylor didn’t stay too long)
in the blinking of an eye
(You let out a sigh)
ah that moment's gone
(Your Final 4 is gone.)
And when it's done
(Though K-State made it fun)
win or lose
(to watch Xavier lose,)
you always did your best
(2 OTs meant no rest)
cuz inside you knew...
(So next day’s work you screwed)
THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
(You Knew Georgetown Hadn’t Tried)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE
(You Puked With Each Duke High Five)
Feel the beat of your heart
(WV’s loss stopped your heart)
feel the wind in your face
(But Huggins didn’t wipe tears from “your” face.)
it's more than a contest
(And Cornell won? A math contest?)
it's more than a race...
(Then the Spartans put you in your place.)
And when it's done
(Picked Butler out in Round 1)
win or lose
(Yeah, you can really choose)
you always did your best
(Thought you were up for the test)
cuz inside you knew...
(But Murray State? Who knew?)
THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(That One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED FOR THE SKY
(Northern Iowa Just Wouldn’t Die)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU WERE WILLING TO TRY
(So Throw Away Those Brackets – They Just Make You Cry.)
Until next year -
Take it easy,
Dave
“Who’s Who” of who is still alive in the Free pool:
(Also known as the list of people who have yet to have their One Sh!tty Moment.)
Butler Wins:
1.Michael Wood ($1,967.87)– My 6’ 4” neighbor who used to be UConn’s strength coach and was listed by Men’s Journal amongst the top 100 fitness trainers in the US. Whenever my wife sees him out walking his tiny little dog she always comments, “Oh, how cute.” Wait a minute. It’s just hitting me that my wife might not be referring to the dog.
2. (Tie) Jon Weideman ($490.46) – A man with whom I’ve showered many times. I should probably explain that. Jon and I went to St. Bonaventure University where the dorms are equipped with communal showers. Yeah, you’d think that would be the situation at a Catholic school.
2.(Tie) Julia Wood ($490.46)– Though ranked by “ESPN Rise” as one of the best guards in Massachusetts, she has yet to beat me in a game of H-O-R-S-E. That could be because she has yet to play me in a game of H-O-R-S-E.
4.(Tie) Charles O’Shea ($81.74)– A person whom I’ve never met. According to my sister Samara, he is a good friend of hers. Not sure what that means. She considers Julia Stiles to be a friend based on the fact that they once shared a cab.
4.(Tie) Michael Joyce ($81.74) – My sister’s boyfriend’s brother-in-law. He is, therefore, living proof that I truly ask everyone I know, to ask everyone they know, to join this pool.
Duke Wins:
1.Eric Anable ($1,961.87)– An old friend dating back to junior high with whom I reconnected with recently via the power of Facebook. He and I played on a travel soccer team called Ajax. He then got really good, and moved on to play for 409.
2.Mark Hoover ($653.96)– Clearly someone who now hates the power of Facebook. He's also a BC Law buddy who has yet to recover from the fact that “Jackass 2” got snubbed at the Oscars.
3.Michael Wood ($326.97) – See Above
4 (Tie) Jon Weideman ($81.74) – See Above
4. (Tie) Julia Wood – ($81.74) - See Above
Jimmy V - $163.48
*(An extra $25 was donated by Tyler Bonstead to the Jimmy V Foundation)
Good Luck To All,
Dave
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