Below is week 17 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings. Last week I had an unprecedented number of hits on this site. Which makes me wonder, what is it about davebarendscollegehoophumor.blogspot.com that makes people think that there might be porn?
Top 10 -
1.Kansas – Due to his shooting slump, Sherron Collins was recently asked if he is in good health. He responded, “I’m great. I’m 100%. When you miss shots everyone thinks there’s something wrong with you.” Apparently Sherron would prefer that everyone just think that he stinks.
2.Kentucky – The Wildcats would have lost to Vandy had Ogilvy hit a wide-open last second shot. I’m guessing the reason he missed was because he arm was still sore. You know, from leaning into that pitch against the Yankees during his stint on the Bad News Bears.
3.Purdue – During a recent Boilermakers’ home game, ESPN announcer, Steve Lavin, allowed fans to pour popcorn into his mouth as a tribute to Purdue grad Orville Redenbacher. I hope he continues these tributes to famous alums when he goes to University of Illinois – the alma mater of Hugh Hefner.
4.Syracuse – ESPN’s Game Day will be at the Carrier Dome this weekend. Last week they were at University of Washington’s Hec Edmundson Pavillion. That begs the relatively unique question: “Who the heck is Hec?”
Clarence “Hec” Edmundson coached Washington from 1920-1947 and is credited with creating the fast break. He would have been a great choice to star in the less-than blockbuster movie “Fast Break”. The part went to Gabe Kaplan who had a bit of an advantage over Hec. He wasn’t dead.
5.Duke – I’m thinking of buying one of those T-shirts Duke is selling to commemorate Mike Krzyzewski’s 1000th game. It’s not that I’m a big fan of Coach K. I just want some evidence to prove to my wife that somebody does in fact watch more college basketball than me.
6.Kansas State - Some people believe Coach Frank Martin’s physical confrontation with one of his players is connected to his Cuban heritage. That’s ridiculous. First of all, he barely touched the kid. Second of all, at no point did he pull out a gun and say, “Let me introduce you to my little friend.”
7.West Virginia – The Mountaineers were the latest victim of Coach Jim Calhoun’s resurgent UConn Huskies. I just learned that Calhoun used to be a game show host. Given his plethora of recent health problems and surgeries, he’d be the perfect guy if they ever made a show out of the game “Operation”. Not as the host, but as the game board.
8.Villanova – During half-time of Sunday’s Villanova-Pitt game, CBS began its “Countdown To The Tournament.” That’s actually just an abbreviated title of the countdown. The full title is; “Countdown To The Tournament That CBS Ruins By Mandating Timeouts Every 2.5 Minutes.”
9.Ohio State – The president of Ohio State is looking to make some big changes. If I were in charge, I’d get rid of the mascot. Because his name is Brutus.
10.Butler –On Saturday, ESPN’s announcers noted that the Final 4 is taking place in Indianapolis – also the location of Butler’s campus. They then agreed that it would, therefore, be ironic if Butler made the Final 4 this year. It is somewhat amazing that a strong grasp of the English language is not a prerequisite to obtaining a job as an ESPN commentator. Actually, it’s somewhat ironic.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Friday, February 26, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 16
Below is Week 16 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings. However, it’s not the rankings that are humorous, it’s the comments afterward. Sadly, that might not be clear.
Top 10 –
1.Kansas – Coach Self forced Tyshawn Taylor to remove his Facebook site after he made a couple of really stupid postings. This has got the folks at Facebook worried. If people realize that they shouldn’t put up stupid posts there’ll be nothing left.
2.Kentucky – Coach Cal is a bit afraid of playing at Vandy because his players might forget that in that arena the coaches sit on the baseline. I guess I could see the following mishap: Calipari calls “play #1”, but John Wall runs “play #2” Why? Because he sees some fat fan on the sideline ordering two Buds.
3.Villanova – The Wildcats just lost to UConn who had been on a tailspin since Coach Jim Calhoun left for health reasons too personal to disclose. This is the same guy who previously shared his prostate issues with the world. What could possibly be more embarrassing? My guess: an accidental overdose of Viagra.
4.Purdue – ESPN’s bracketology expert, Joe Lunardi has Purdue as a #2 seed. What the hell are bracketology experts, you ask? People who try to project the NCAA Tournament brackets. In other words, they’re geeks who follow college hoops. You can actually take a bracketology course taught by Lunardi. He’ll even sign your certificate upon completion. Which would look great next to your Mark Hamill signed lightsaber.
5.Syracuse –An intentional foul was called on SU’s Kris Joseph right near the end of the Louisville game. Apparently it’s okay to foul at the end of the game, but only if you have the ability to act like you’re not doing so intentionally. I understand Boeheim’s frustration, but he overreacted by immediately adding a coaching position for James Lipton.
6.Duke – Venezuela native and Maryland guard, Greivis Vasqueaz, declared that Duke’s arena was his home. He and his Terps then went to Duke and got blown out. I believe that when these facts are considered together there can be only one conclusion: Venezuela blows.
7.Kansas State –Jason Pullen’s Amish-esq beard is now a craze amongst the K-State student body. It’s nice to see that style in the state of Kansas has finally caught up to that of the Amish.
8. West Virginia - The game between Pittsburgh and West Virginia was billed as the “Backyard Brawl”. A clever name, but it might have some negative marketing ramifications. I mean, do the folks at West Virginia really want to emphasize their proximity to the city of Pittsburgh?
9.Gonzaga – After the Jesuits decided to name a college after Saint Aloysius Gonzaga, Father Cataldo rejected their suggestion to name the school Aloysius College. His rumored reasoning: People would never remember how to correctly pronounce Aloysius.
10. Georgetown – During the Hoyas’ game on Thursday, I saw a woman in the stands wearing a pink hat with the big Georgetown “G” on the front. She needs to either get rid of that hat or her boyfriend. He appeared to be poking her in the forehead in hopes of providing a climactic experience.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Top 10 –
1.Kansas – Coach Self forced Tyshawn Taylor to remove his Facebook site after he made a couple of really stupid postings. This has got the folks at Facebook worried. If people realize that they shouldn’t put up stupid posts there’ll be nothing left.
2.Kentucky – Coach Cal is a bit afraid of playing at Vandy because his players might forget that in that arena the coaches sit on the baseline. I guess I could see the following mishap: Calipari calls “play #1”, but John Wall runs “play #2” Why? Because he sees some fat fan on the sideline ordering two Buds.
3.Villanova – The Wildcats just lost to UConn who had been on a tailspin since Coach Jim Calhoun left for health reasons too personal to disclose. This is the same guy who previously shared his prostate issues with the world. What could possibly be more embarrassing? My guess: an accidental overdose of Viagra.
4.Purdue – ESPN’s bracketology expert, Joe Lunardi has Purdue as a #2 seed. What the hell are bracketology experts, you ask? People who try to project the NCAA Tournament brackets. In other words, they’re geeks who follow college hoops. You can actually take a bracketology course taught by Lunardi. He’ll even sign your certificate upon completion. Which would look great next to your Mark Hamill signed lightsaber.
5.Syracuse –An intentional foul was called on SU’s Kris Joseph right near the end of the Louisville game. Apparently it’s okay to foul at the end of the game, but only if you have the ability to act like you’re not doing so intentionally. I understand Boeheim’s frustration, but he overreacted by immediately adding a coaching position for James Lipton.
6.Duke – Venezuela native and Maryland guard, Greivis Vasqueaz, declared that Duke’s arena was his home. He and his Terps then went to Duke and got blown out. I believe that when these facts are considered together there can be only one conclusion: Venezuela blows.
7.Kansas State –Jason Pullen’s Amish-esq beard is now a craze amongst the K-State student body. It’s nice to see that style in the state of Kansas has finally caught up to that of the Amish.
8. West Virginia - The game between Pittsburgh and West Virginia was billed as the “Backyard Brawl”. A clever name, but it might have some negative marketing ramifications. I mean, do the folks at West Virginia really want to emphasize their proximity to the city of Pittsburgh?
9.Gonzaga – After the Jesuits decided to name a college after Saint Aloysius Gonzaga, Father Cataldo rejected their suggestion to name the school Aloysius College. His rumored reasoning: People would never remember how to correctly pronounce Aloysius.
10. Georgetown – During the Hoyas’ game on Thursday, I saw a woman in the stands wearing a pink hat with the big Georgetown “G” on the front. She needs to either get rid of that hat or her boyfriend. He appeared to be poking her in the forehead in hopes of providing a climactic experience.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Friday, February 12, 2010
Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 15
My Valentine’s Day gift to you: a joke about college hoops. Yes, I realize that there are 10 attempts at humor below. Just consider the one that comes closest to making you laugh to be the gift.
Top 10 -
1.Kansas – Cole Aldrich is a regional finalist for the College Sports Information Directors of America’s Academic All-American team. To make the team he’ll need to keep up his stellar performance on the court and in the classroom. A task almost a daunting as figuring out what in the hell is the College Sports Information Directors of America.
2.Syracuse – Not too long ago Syracuse used to be called the Orangemen. They got rid of that name due to a fear that it might offend some people - like George Hamilton.
3.Kentucky – Demarcus Cousins had a streak of 6 double-doubles in a row. I also had double-doubles in my last 6 pick-up games. Though I’m not sure if you’re supposed to count turnovers and fouls.
4.West Virginia – Though their official nickname is the Mountaineers, WV fans will sometimes refer to the team as the Eers. The abbreviation doesn’t seem to work on t-shirts that say, “I’m A Big Eers Fan.” I think those t-shirts would be much bigger sellers if the official nickname was the Mountainboobs.
5.Villanova – Coach Jay Wright is taking some flak for refusing to wear an all pink suit for this Saturday’s “Pink Out”. He is, however, up for singing “Glitter In The Air” while hanging upside down from the rafters.
6.Purdue – The Boilermaker’s should make “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now” the team’s theme song. Why? 2 reasons: (1) Their offense is at times completely unstoppable, and (2) Their web site is sponsored by Toyota.
7.Duke – I’ve always associated Duke with academic excellence. But yesterday I came across some strong evidence to the contrary: A Duke Snuggie.
8.Gerogetown – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was at the Hoyas game this past weekend. Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head when Monore made an incredible pass. And when Wright made a lay-up. And when the coach called time out. And when the ref blew his whistle. And when a player dribbled the ball. And when . . .
9.Kansas State – K-State’s web site has freshman phenom Wally Judge’s major listed as “undecided.” I think that’s a misprint. It should say “unnecessary.”
10.Michigan State – Much like Stanford, Michigan State’s logo is a big “S”. And much like Stanford, Michigan State . . . nope, the logo is pretty much the only similarity between Stanford and Michigan State.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Top 10 -
1.Kansas – Cole Aldrich is a regional finalist for the College Sports Information Directors of America’s Academic All-American team. To make the team he’ll need to keep up his stellar performance on the court and in the classroom. A task almost a daunting as figuring out what in the hell is the College Sports Information Directors of America.
2.Syracuse – Not too long ago Syracuse used to be called the Orangemen. They got rid of that name due to a fear that it might offend some people - like George Hamilton.
3.Kentucky – Demarcus Cousins had a streak of 6 double-doubles in a row. I also had double-doubles in my last 6 pick-up games. Though I’m not sure if you’re supposed to count turnovers and fouls.
4.West Virginia – Though their official nickname is the Mountaineers, WV fans will sometimes refer to the team as the Eers. The abbreviation doesn’t seem to work on t-shirts that say, “I’m A Big Eers Fan.” I think those t-shirts would be much bigger sellers if the official nickname was the Mountainboobs.
5.Villanova – Coach Jay Wright is taking some flak for refusing to wear an all pink suit for this Saturday’s “Pink Out”. He is, however, up for singing “Glitter In The Air” while hanging upside down from the rafters.
6.Purdue – The Boilermaker’s should make “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now” the team’s theme song. Why? 2 reasons: (1) Their offense is at times completely unstoppable, and (2) Their web site is sponsored by Toyota.
7.Duke – I’ve always associated Duke with academic excellence. But yesterday I came across some strong evidence to the contrary: A Duke Snuggie.
8.Gerogetown – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was at the Hoyas game this past weekend. Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head when Monore made an incredible pass. And when Wright made a lay-up. And when the coach called time out. And when the ref blew his whistle. And when a player dribbled the ball. And when . . .
9.Kansas State – K-State’s web site has freshman phenom Wally Judge’s major listed as “undecided.” I think that’s a misprint. It should say “unnecessary.”
10.Michigan State – Much like Stanford, Michigan State’s logo is a big “S”. And much like Stanford, Michigan State . . . nope, the logo is pretty much the only similarity between Stanford and Michigan State.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Friday, February 5, 2010
Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 14
Below is week 14 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings. Just to be clear it’s “week 14” not “weak 14”. Well, you know, hopefully.
Top 10
1.Kansas – The Jayhawks won at Kansas State’s court called the “Octagon of Doom”. An especially impressive win given that all of KU’s prior games were on rectangles.
2.Villanova – Some folks think that Junior Antonio Pena is destined for greatness because he was born on July 20th – the day that man first walked on the moon. Others think differently. Those would be people who know that I was also born on July 20th.
3.Kentucky – The Wildcats play in Rupp Arena, named after Adolph Rupp who (1) was unquestionably one of the best college basketball coaches of all time and (2) was unquestionably one of the last people named Adolph.
4.Syracuse – Go to Google and start typing in “Jim Boeheim”. As you are typing you will notice that Google lists “Jim Boeheim Wife” as it’s second suggestion. Click on that. Now try to come up with a reason why that wasn’t the first suggestion.
5.Michigan State – In a game last weekend Durrell Summers scored on an alley-oop to start both the first half and the second half. I couldn’t find out if that had been done before, but I did learn that ally-oop was derived from the French “allez hop” – the popular cry of a circus acrobat about to land. Substantially more popular than “allez plop” – the cry of a circus acrobat about to plummet.
6.West Virginia - Over the past few weeks fans at WV games have been throwing objects at the refs and opposing players. Coach Huggins can’t understand how the fans could be so stupid. Apparently he didn’t realize that when coaching at West Virginia there would be fans from West Virginia.
7.Purdue – The Boilermakers and the rest of the Big 10 may be joined by Pitt in the near future. This would make for a total of 12 teams in that conference. So is it finally time for a name change? Heck no. Just go with a very large font. Or have it appear as “The Big 12”, but tell everyone it’s pronounced “The Big 10.”
8. Georgetown – Hoyas Coach John Thompson III joined other coaches across the country last week and wore sneakers during his game to raise awareness for cancer. Unfortunately, I don’t think it was a big success. Probably because most people are already aware of cancer.
9.Kansas State – McGruder hit two pressure packed free throws to send Saturday’s game into overtime. Too bad he couldn’t have had that same composure later – you know, when he choked trying to defuse a bomb on Saturday Night Live.
10.Duke – A few years ago Coach Krzyewski wrote a book called “Leading with The Heart” and subtitled “Successful strategies for basketball, business and life.” Unfortunately he did not include any successful strategies for spelling and pronouncing Krzyzewski.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
Top 10
1.Kansas – The Jayhawks won at Kansas State’s court called the “Octagon of Doom”. An especially impressive win given that all of KU’s prior games were on rectangles.
2.Villanova – Some folks think that Junior Antonio Pena is destined for greatness because he was born on July 20th – the day that man first walked on the moon. Others think differently. Those would be people who know that I was also born on July 20th.
3.Kentucky – The Wildcats play in Rupp Arena, named after Adolph Rupp who (1) was unquestionably one of the best college basketball coaches of all time and (2) was unquestionably one of the last people named Adolph.
4.Syracuse – Go to Google and start typing in “Jim Boeheim”. As you are typing you will notice that Google lists “Jim Boeheim Wife” as it’s second suggestion. Click on that. Now try to come up with a reason why that wasn’t the first suggestion.
5.Michigan State – In a game last weekend Durrell Summers scored on an alley-oop to start both the first half and the second half. I couldn’t find out if that had been done before, but I did learn that ally-oop was derived from the French “allez hop” – the popular cry of a circus acrobat about to land. Substantially more popular than “allez plop” – the cry of a circus acrobat about to plummet.
6.West Virginia - Over the past few weeks fans at WV games have been throwing objects at the refs and opposing players. Coach Huggins can’t understand how the fans could be so stupid. Apparently he didn’t realize that when coaching at West Virginia there would be fans from West Virginia.
7.Purdue – The Boilermakers and the rest of the Big 10 may be joined by Pitt in the near future. This would make for a total of 12 teams in that conference. So is it finally time for a name change? Heck no. Just go with a very large font. Or have it appear as “The Big 12”, but tell everyone it’s pronounced “The Big 10.”
8. Georgetown – Hoyas Coach John Thompson III joined other coaches across the country last week and wore sneakers during his game to raise awareness for cancer. Unfortunately, I don’t think it was a big success. Probably because most people are already aware of cancer.
9.Kansas State – McGruder hit two pressure packed free throws to send Saturday’s game into overtime. Too bad he couldn’t have had that same composure later – you know, when he choked trying to defuse a bomb on Saturday Night Live.
10.Duke – A few years ago Coach Krzyewski wrote a book called “Leading with The Heart” and subtitled “Successful strategies for basketball, business and life.” Unfortunately he did not include any successful strategies for spelling and pronouncing Krzyzewski.
As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.
Take it easy,
Dave
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