Dave Barend's College Hoop Humor

Hopefully Humorous Rankings 2011-12 (#2)

2011-12-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

Below is my latest attempt at some hopefully humorous rankings.

1. Kentucky - The Wildcats have a super player in Michael Gilchrist. Actually his last name is Kidd-Gilchrist. But isn't everyone on Kentucky a kidd?

3.Syracuse - The Orange are 7-0. So I guess everything on campus must be fine.

5. North Carolina - The Tar Heels lost to UNLV. Apparently the pundits are right when they say that any team can beat another team on any given night. Though it helps when one of those teams is coached by Roy Williams.

9. Florida - I am declaring that Irving Walker is now my new favorite player. He's only 5' 7" and he's amazing. I'm 5 inches taller and I stink. Wait a minute. . . . I think I need to alter my declaration to: I'm now declaring that Irving Walker in my new least favorite player.

Things That Might Annoy A Duke Fan (#2) - Ask a Duke if his school is truly filled with brilliant students why is it that the most creative chant they can come up with is "Let's Go Duke!"

Take it easy,
Dave

Hopefully Humorous Rankings 2011-12 - Week1

2011-11-10T14:48:00.000-08:00

To All,

College hoops season is finally here and there are lots of new names to learn. So, for this season's first installment of Hopefully Humorous Rankings I'll try to help familiarize you with some of the best names in the game. Just to clarify, that's the best names, not necessarily the best players.

#17 - UCLA: After giving birth to 7 children, it seemingly made sense to the parents of the Bruins junior college transfer to name him De'End Parker. But then came De'Condombroke.

#57 - St. John's: You'd think that a guy named Sir'Dominic Pointer would clearly have the best name on his team. You'd be wrong. That honor goes to God'sgift Achiuwa. Wow. And you thought your parents put pressure on you.

#84 - Duquesne: The Dukes have a freshman forward named Mamadou Datt. There is a pretty good chance that he is the only player in Div 1 hoops whose name explains his conception.

# 264 - South Dakota: The star of the Coyotes freshman class - Nimrod Hilliard. Actually that's not completely accurate. It's Nimrod Hilliard IV. That's right, he is now the 4th person to suffer with that name. Note to Nimrod: please make the pain stop with you.

Also, in case you don't know, I've written a book with comedian Paul Nardizzi called, "Things That Might Annoy . . . A Yankee Fan." We have similar books coming out soon and we're hoping "Things That Might Annoy . . . A Duke Fan" is amongst them. Each time I put up a new post I'll try to include one thing that might annoy a Duke fan. If you have any ideas, please feel free to pass them along.

Things That Might Annoy A Duke Fan: #1 - As Coach K gets closer to the all time wins record, remind a Dukie of what happened to the last college coach after he surpassed a wins record.

Take it easy,
Dave

One Sh!tty Moment - 2011

2011-04-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

For all of you who, like me, had their brackets busted about 2 weeks ago, I give you the 2011 version of One Sh!tty Moment - interspersed within the lyrics of One Shining Moment. For the handful of you whose bracket are still intact, feel free to laugh at our pain.

ONE SH!TTY MOMENT

The ball is tipped
(The channels are flipped)  
and there you are 
(It best not be far)
you're running for your life 
(There’s gonna be strife)
you're a shooting star
(Wait. TruTV there you are)

And all the years
(As the Tourney nears)  
no one knows
(your bracket glows)
just how hard you worked
(but something awful lurked)
but now it shows...
(Yup, here come those woes)

 IN ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(In One Sh!tty Moment)
IT'S ALL ON THE LINE 
(Boeheim could only whine)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
THERE FROZEN IN TIME   
(Morehead? Why this time?)

But time is short  
(ND blown off court)
and the road is long
(picking Duke was just wrong) 
in the blinking of an eye
(Kiss Texas goodbye?!)
ah that moment's gone
(Your final four’s all but gone.”)

And when it's done
(Pitt had a game won)
win or lose
(yet they still lose)
you always did your best 
(So you need all the rest)
cuz inside you knew... 
(then down goes OSU) 

THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
(Jimmer’s shots went wide)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE 
(Bill Self wished he weren’t alive)
 
Feel the beat of your heart
(You went with your heart.) 
feel the wind in your face
(Coach Cal shoved it in your face) 
it's more than a contest 
(Kemba was at his best)
it's more than a race...  
(Butler made its case)

And when it's done
(Yes you’re all done) 
win or lose 
(You’re gonna lose)
you always did your best 
(You’re nowhere near the best)
cuz inside you knew...  
(Cuz of friggin VCU)

THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(That One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED FOR THE SKY
(Just go on and cry)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU WERE WILLING TO TRY
(Maybe Women’s hoops you should try)

 Take it easy,
Dave

Desperation Shots 5-7 & Who's Who is Pool

2011-03-28T04:03:00.000-07:00

Below is another set of hopefully humorous desperation shots. Below that is a "Who's Who" of who is still alive in the pool and their potential charitable winnings.

Desperation Shot #5 - It was great that the games were on 4 different channels. That way when they cut to a commercial on CBS you could switch over to TNT. And watch a different commercial.

Desperation Shot #6 - It's is amazing that Calipari has brought Kentucky to the Final 4 in just 2 years. It'll be even more amazing when in a couple more years he makes that Final 4 appearance disappear.

Desperation Shot #7 - So after literally countless hours of watching this tournament, I can say I've only learned one thing for certain - 1993 was the year that "Whoop There It Is" was released. Or was it 1995?

POOL INFO -

We ended up with 121 entrants. 105 opted to make a contribution with the other 16 choosing to play for the Jimmy V Foundation. The total charitable pot is $2620. So, 1st place - $1,572, 2nd place $524, 3rd place $262, 4th place $144, Directly to Jimmy V - $141. Once again, those who weren't playing for Jimmy V will get their winning sent to them and, of course, are expected to forward it on to the charity of their choice.

VCU Rams beat UCONN Huskies in finals
1.Amy Young ($1,572) - The girlfriend of my neighbor Craig. At the beginning of the season he incredibly predicted the Rams would be in the Final 4. Unfortunately he was referring to his Fordham Rams, not the VCU Rams.

2.Bruce Mitnick ($524) - My friend Dr. Tony Schwagerl's brother's boss. That's right, his name is Bruce and he is "The Boss." No word on whether he was born to run.

3.Tim Humongo Dong Connors ($262) - A man who obviously has very small hands.

4.Mark Jones ($72)- A good friend of Attorney Dana Gravina who still holds out hope that someone, anyone, will respond to his advertisement on this site.

4.Mike Walsh Jr. ($72 going directly to Jimmy V) - A young man who might be wishing that his dad was a bit less charitable.

VCU Rams beat Kentucky in Finals
1.Mark Jones ($1,572) - see above

2.Kevin Florenz ($524) - A buddy from St. Bonaventure who thanks to Facebook always remembers my birthday. Maybe if I become "friends" with my wife, she'll remember my birthday too.

3.Eugene Chin ($262) - The father-in-law of a woman whose daughter went to preschool with my daughter 5 years ago. This definitely proves that I ask every person I've ever met to join this pool.

4. David Ayres ($144) - When I was a mere 18 years old I caught the garter at his wedding to the best looking girl in my neighborhood. He and all his buddies started yelling, "Go for the monkey David!" I still have no idea what that means.

UCONN wins it all.

1. Bruce Mitnick ($1,572)

2. Mike Walsh Jr ($524 - for Jimmy V)

3. Mike Walsh ($262 - playing for Jimmy V) - a friend of Attorney Jim Rogal who took a case with me all the way up to the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachussetts. For those of you who are not lawyers, the phrase "took a case" is a euphemism for "lost".

4.Amy Young ($144)

KENTUCKY wins it all

1.Mark Jones ($1,572)

2.Kevin Florenz ($524)

3.Nico Karagosian ($262 - playing for Jimmy V) - a man who has openly admitted to being a friend of "Golden Balls".

4.Eugene Chin ($144)

BUTLER beats Kentucky in Finals
1. Mark Jones ($1,572)
2. Kevin Florenz ($524)
3. Eugene Chin ($262)
4. David Ayres ($144)

BUTLER beats UConn in Finals
1. Amy Young ($1,572)
2. Bruce Mitnick ($524)
3. Tim Humongo Dong Connors ($262)
4. Mark Jones ($72)
4. Mike Walsh Jr. ($72- For Jimmy V)

Finally, thanks again to Gary Manis for collecting all of the charitable donations. And for agreeing to deal with the authorities should they refuse to believe this pool is in fact charitable.

Take it easy,
Dave

Desperation Shots 2-4

2011-03-21T04:03:00.000-07:00

The first 2 rounds of the Tourney are now over. (Or was it 3 Rounds? Who knows.) So as promised, I give you 3 more hopefully humorous desperation shots. You might even enjoy them more than the Florida State - Notre Dame game.

Desperation Shot #2 - It's nice that CBS shows the scores of all the other games on the top of the screen. You know what would be really nice? If CBS didn't show all the scores of all the other games on the top of the screen. That way I could actually the see the game that I'm trying to watch.

Desperation Shot #3 - VCU: Vindicating Committee Unbelievably.

Desperation Shot #4 - My wife got me a shirt that says "Bracketologist". I guess she thought that the shirt that said "Super-Mega-Dork" would have been too subtle.

Take it easy,
Dave

Desperation Shot & Idiot Proof Pool Instructions

2011-03-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

March Madness is finally here. Throughout the tournament I’ll try to post a joke or two. I’ve decided to call these “My Desperation Shots”. Below is my first heave. More importantly, below that are the Rules & Idiot Proof Instructions for joining my “sort of” free pool. Hope you are all in.

Desperation Shot: Asheville, Morehead and Belmont are the first three schools in the Tourney. Two are very fine institutions and one is the mantra of every married man.

POOL RULES

There's some BIG CHANGES from last year, so PLEASE READ through the below spew.

1.Send Money To Gary Manis at 20 Oak Street, Natick MA 01760 – I swore that this year was truly going to be the year that I came to my senses and ceased the immense hassle of running this pool. The person who convinced me to keep it going is Gary Manis. He did so by agreeing to take full responsibility for collecting all the money. Why on earth would he do so? Not sure. My guess is it has something to do with the stupor that a guy enters shortly before getting married. (His big day, to a woman wholly out of his league, is April 30th).

So, if you want to make the minimum $25 contribution/donation to this “charitable” pool, you need to make your checks out to Gary Manis and send your $ to him at 20 Oak Street, Natick MA 01760. In other words, you are not to send your dough to me. You are not to hand it to me, put it in my mailbox, or stuff it in my pants. (Though, depending on the circumstance, the later might be acceptable.)

2.No Paypal – You may recall that last year, I had a link to Paypal right above Gabe Kaplan as another means for which you could make your “charitable” contribution. You may also have noticed that is now gone. Why? Well, apparently some of you included a little note with your Paypal payment stating, “For illegal gambling” or for “Dave’s prostitution ring.” Unfortunately Paypal failed to see the obvious humor and banned me from using their services. So, once again, if you want to contribute to this “charitable” pool, you need to send your $ to Gary Manis at 20 Oak Street, Natick MA 01760.

3. Yahoo - As in the past, the pool will be run via Yahoo and in the classic "fill out the bracket" format with points doubling each round. (No points for the 4 preliminary round games.) The whole pool will be on one Yahoo site that can only hold 250 entries. You, therefore, might want to join soon to assure yourself a spot. Also IMPORTANT to note is that every year the Yahoo Tourney site temporarily crashes - usually the day after Selection Sunday and the hour before the first round starts on Thursday. Avoid this aggravation by joining soon.

I’ve thought about using other sites, but Yahoo is the only one with the Scenario Generator that allows you to enter different scenarios of teams winning upcoming games and it will generate a list of how our pool will shake out. Thus the name “Scenario Generator.” My wife thinks that I find even more enjoyment from messing around with that thing than watching the games.

4. $ prizes - 1st place: 60% of pot, 2nd place: 20% of pot, 3rd place 10% of pot, 4th place - 5% of pot, Jimmy V Foundation 5% of pot.

5. Cost - $25. Well, unless you don't care to receive any winnings. Huh? Allow me to explain.

The pot for the pool, like last year, will come from all of the contributions/donations for this site that Gary Manis receives. That's right, every penny I get I'm putting toward the pot. I'm not keeping a cent. You can also join the pool for free. (This is a nice option for those with kids who want to play, but also want to pick Asheville to win it all because they think it sounds like “Assville.”)

However, if you donate less than $25 and you finish in 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th place, your share of the winnings will be sent directly to the Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research. If you donate $25 or more and you finish in 1st, 2nd or 3rd or 4th place, your share of the winnings will be sent directly to you and you can make whatever charitable donation you see fit.

Bottom Line - if you want the winnings sent to you, donate at least $25.

6. Deadline to donate - You need to have your check in an envelope postmarked on or before March 17, 2011 if you want a shot at having a share of the winnings sent directly to you. Once again, your checks need to be made out to Gary Manis, (NOT ME) and sent to 20 Oak Street, Natick MA 01760. If you send a check with an envelope postmarked after March 17, 2011 it will go directly to the Jimmy V Foundation. Also, if you don't get an email from me thanking you for your donation, that means that Gary has not received your donation.

7.Enter With Your Actual Name - It's VERY IMPORTANT that when you create the name of your entry for our Yahoo site, you enter your actual name. Otherwise, Gary will delete you. That’s right, Gary is taking over the role of the heavy as well. It is a severe pain in the ass trying to keep track of who everyone is when people are not using their actual names. So, if your name is Keith Mangas, just create your entry name to be Keith Mangas. If you feel absolutely compelled to include some kind of nickname, as my father does, then put it in quotes between your first and last names. Got it Harold "Golden Balls" Barend? Also, if I do not know you, you must email me at dbarend@comcast.net prior to joining to let me know who you are. If there is an entry in our pool whose name I do not recognize, Gary will delete it.

8. NO Multiple Entries - 1 entry per person. BUT if you really want to submit multiple entries, then convince someone else you know to join and make the picks for that person. You might also want to try to convince that person to give you the $ if you win.

9.No Mercy For Mistakes – Last year we had 3 people who failed to pick a team to win the final game. I allowed them to stay in based on whom they claimed they meant to select. This year Gary has the dough and he will have no mercy. If for whatever reason your picks do not get entered as you hoped, you’re simply out of luck – much earlier than most. The best way to avoid this problem is to follow the below instructions and recheck your picks once you have finished.

10.Friends/Recruits - Feel free to get your friends, family members or whoever else you know to join the pool. But please make sure they realize that if they join they need to email me and let me know who they are or they will be deleted. Also, don't just forward other people the password and group id#. Make sure they get all of the rules.

12. How to Join our Yahoo group site - Though I have listed idiot proof steps to join the Yahoo site, many of you should be able to figure it out at http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1 Go to join group. The group id # is 24042. The password is moneytogary - (to remind you to send your money to Gary, not me.) Please remember that when you enter your "Bracket Name" to USE YOUR ACTUAL NAME. You also might want to remember to sign back in to the site after Sunday March 13 - so you can make your picks.

Idiot Proof instruction on joining the Yahoo Group

(1) Go to http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1. OR you can go to Yahoo, click on sport, click on fantasy, then click on Tourney Pick'em '11.

(2) Click on “Join a Group” (Not “create a group”)
(3) Click on “Join Group” (different screen from step 2)
(4) Enter your own personal Yahoo ID and Yahoo password on right side from your own personal Yahoo account. Note that these are NOT the same as the ones list below for entering our group. COMMON MISTAKE – is entering the info to join the site. Try not to make that mistake.
(5) If you do not have your own personal Yahoo account click on "Sign Up" under "Don't have a Yahoo! ID?" Otherwise, go to step (6).
(5b)Enter the requested personal info (name & your creation of an id and password, & code) on the page.
(5c) Write down your personal id and password then click on "agree" to the terms then click on “create my account”.
(5d) Click on “continue” to Yahoo Sports on right side of page.

(6) Enter our group id# 24042 and our password moneytogary . (DO Not enter your personal Yahoo id and password.) Click on “save and continue”.
(7) Enter your actual full name as your "bracket name". Please NO NICKNAMES!! Gary will delete entries that do not comply.
(8) Click on the box next to “Terms of Service”
(9) Determine whether you want to enter Yahoo's separate contest for $1mil - if so, enter the requested info and accept terms. If you don’t need the $1,000,000 then I’d say you probably could afford to donate $25 bucks to the pot.
(10) Hit submit (lower left corner) – You are now in our group.

Now you need to make your picks

(11) Click on your name in the standings. If you do not see your name, don't have a coronary. Click on "view complete standings". Ah - there it is. Now click on your name in the complete standings.
(12) You will now see an entire empty bracket - this is different and even easier to complete than last year. Just click on the team you want to win each game of each round in all 4 regions, the final four and the final game. You should make 63 total picks. (Since we don't use the score of the final game as a tie breaker, filling that in really doesn't matter.)
(13) Click on SAVE BRACKET - this may be the most important thing you do all week.
(14) Look at the left side of the screen. You should see a note near a green bar stating 63 of 63 picks made. If not, you missed some picks.
(15) Log back in sometime later to make sure you Saved your Picks – Every year someone fails to do so. Every year that person actually wanted me to allow them to enter their picks after the games had been played. So every year I'm reminded me of an episode of Cheers where Sam thought he was doing Woody a favor by not placing a ridiculous sports bet, but the long shot won. Sam then had the following conversation with Diane.

Diane: So, why don't you go to the... 
Sam: Bookie. 
Diane: ...bookie and tell him that you honestly intended to wager on the winning teams and see if he won't give you the money. 
Sam: That's a good idea. While I'm at it why don't I just tell him that I meant to bet on all the winning teams since 1975?

If you just save your picks then we don’t have to have that same conversation.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week11 (or so)

2011-02-20T14:26:00.000-08:00

In three weeks the NCAA tourney bracket will be revealed. Each year there are a few schools that are named after people I should know, but sadly have no idea who they are. So, in case your ignorance level approaches mine, I give you a Who’s Who of college hoops teams who may make the Tourney.

26.George Mason – One of the “Founding Fathers of The Bill of Rights” which he believed were essential to protect every individual’s freedom. Well, every individual except, of course, those he kept as slaves.

28.Xavier – St. Francis Xavier was a co-founder of the Jesuits and was credited with having converted more people to Christianity since St. Paul. He was also quite perturbed with being the second most popular St. Francis.

145. Austin Peay – Former governor of Tennessee who created the education bill that brought an 8-month school term to every county in the state. The folks in Tennessee are now waiting for a governor who will create an education bill that will bring education to every county in the state.

247. Bethune-Cookman. Mary McLeod Bethune was a civil rights activist, an educator, founded a school for girls, and counseled President Roosevelt. Alfred Cookman, well, he helped finance a building. Hmm. I hope that a certain NY real estate mogul doesn’t know this. I, for one, am not looking forward to seeing George Washington-Donald Trump University.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week9

2011-01-30T15:28:00.000-08:00

The good news is I actually got a few emails from folks saying they loved last week's post. The bad news is I didn't put up a post last week. Below is a brand new set of 4. Hope you enjoy.

1. Ohio State –The Buckeyes have a super-frosh named Jared Sullinger. That sounds a lot like J.D Salinger. Hmm. Now I know J.D is dead (supposedly) but I wonder if they are actually the same person. Crazy? Well, I’m willing to bet that no one ever saw Sullinger and Salinger in the same room together.

9.BYU – I got swooped up in the Jimmer Fredette Mania. I even started calling myself Davider. It didn’t last long though. No, not because the Cougars lost to New Mexico. But because my friends started calling me “Der”.

26. Cincinnati –The shorts of two players for the Bearcats fell down during the game against Notre Dame. That’s a problem. Notre Dame actually has a bigger problem - half their cheerleading squad has requested to transfer to Cincinnati.

38. Tennessee – Critics claim that Brian Williams isn’t concentrating while on the court. His coaches claim that may be due to his academic pressures. Really? I’d say it’s due to the rigors of that gig he has with the NBC Nightly News.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week7

2011-01-10T03:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks for checking out this week's handful of rankings. I guarantee they are the only set anywhere that has #18 fourth. Hope you find them humorous.

1.Duke – Yes, Duke is still #1. Similarly stunning news: the Sun came up this morning.

4.Syracuse – When I was little I used to root for the Orange. So I now like to root for one player on the team to remind me of my youth. This year it’s Russ DeRemer. He’s yet to make a shot. Definitely reminds me of my youth.

9.UConn – With the game tied and 10 seconds to go against Texas, Roscoe Smith heaved a full court shot. The announcers could not figure out why he would do something so stupid. I’d say one explanation would be that Roscoe isn’t all that bright.

18.Central Florida – Michael Jordan’s son Marcus plays for UCF. He refused to wear team ordered Adidas sneakers because he claimed his Air Jordan’s have “special meaning.” Yeah, much like my credit card has special meaning for my wife.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week6

2011-01-03T04:02:00.000-08:00

Happy new year. Hope you enjoy the first partial rankings of 2011.

4.UConn – Try to name the two best players on UConn. You’ve got Kemba Walker and, uhh. I’d go with Kevin Ollie. Though I’m not sure you can count an assistant coach.

9.Georgetown – Austin Freeman is one of the best players in the country. He’s also a diabetic. He’s now an inspiration for kids. If Austin can make it, so can you. Well, as long as you drink lots of Coke.

22.Memphis – I think Memphis needs to change its logo. I like the vicious tiger. But it might appear a bit more intimidating if it wasn’t being impaled by the letter “M”.

128. Virginia – Mustapha Farrakhan has made some big changes in hopes of having a great senior year. The most important being his decision that come game time he’ll no longer wear a bow tie.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week5

2010-12-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

My Christmas gift to you – another partial list of the current rankings with some humor, well, hopefully.

2.Ohio State – I saw in the paper that the Buckeyes were playing #4 UConn Sunday afternoon. When I tuned in I depressingly discovered it was a women’s game. After watching a few minutes I became even more depressed - I was reminded that I play basketball worse than girls.

3.Kansas - The Jayhawks’ freshman superstar, John Selby, played in his first game Saturday. He had 5 rebounds, 21 points and hit a clutch 3-pointer in the win against USC. Prior to tip-off, Seth Davis predicted Selby would “take a few games to jell”. Post –game, Davis’ claimed he was actually referring to Selby’s tube of slow acting DEP.

48.Oakland – After the Golden Grizzles beat #7 Tennessee, I did some research to see if they might be the best team in California. Turns out, they aren’t even close. Mainly because they are located in Michigan.

132. St. Bonaventure - My beloved Bonnies beat Ohio University in 4 overtimes. A mere 3053 people showed up for the game. I guess that’s to be expected. I mean, how do they expect to draw people when ESPN was, at the same time, showing the uDrove Humanitarian Bowl?

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week4

2010-12-12T16:33:00.000-08:00

Below is this week’s partial rankings. I hope it’s at least partially funny.

9.Baylor – High scoring LaceDarius Dunn was arrested this fall for assaulting his girlfriend, Lacharlesla Edwards. Some people think it was a mistake for the two to reconcile. I agree. I mean, how do they think they are ever going to find a wedding invitation big enough for both of their names?

16.Kentucky – The Wildcats are still trying to appeal the ruling that Enes Kanter is ineligible because he made over $30,000 while playing in Turkey. I wish them luck, but I think they are going to need a stronger argument. I just don’t think the NCAA is going to be persuaded by the fact that all the other players on Kentucky are making over $50,000.

21.BYU – I can’t quite figure out why BYU’s nickname is the Cougars. I guess it’s just because Brigham Young himself had a thing for horny older women.

29.Cleveland State – The official website for Cleveland State indicates that the school’s motto is “Engaged Learning.” That’s somewhat similar to the motto I try to pass on to America’s youth: “Learn To Never Get Engaged.”

Take it easy,
Dave Barend

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week3

2010-12-05T15:09:00.000-08:00

Below is this week’s Top 25 minus 21. Enjoy.

2. Ohio State – Opposing coaches have claimed that every time Jared Sullinger throws a pick it is illegal. It’s not that he’s breaking the rules. It’s that when he causes someone to run into his 6’ 9”, 280 pound body he’s committing an assault and battery with a deadly weapon.

7. Syracuse - Coming from Brazil, Federico Melo is experiencing some culture shock. The carnival he went to in Syracuse was not much like Carnival. Though both have odd looking folks in strange get ups, the people at the carnival weren’t wearing costumes.

19. San Diego State – In the 1920’s SD State changed its colors from purple and gold to scarlet and black. It did so to stop people from confusing their letterman jackets with those of a high school with the same colors. Unfortunately some confusion with that high school remains. Not with the jackets, but with the level of education.

25. Notre Dame – Though the Fighting Irish are currently undefeated, the critics point to their lack of a road victory. But that would mean that ND’s 3 wins in Disney World don’t really count. I actually think they deserve an extra win. You know, for escaping the Magic Kingdom without a single homicide.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week2

2010-11-28T16:13:00.000-08:00

ESPN’s “Feast Week” has come to a close and below are some of the leftovers. I hope you enjoy them more than peas.

9.Kentucky – The Wildcats lost to UConn who got 29 points from Kemba Walker. When I mentioned Kemba’s impressive performance during Thanksgiving dinner, my wife asked, “How is it possible that so many points could be scored by a former Playboy centerfold?”

10. Syracuse – The Orange have a game coming up against the Drexel Dragons. Two of Drexel’s players were arrested prior to the season for brandishing a loaded gun. They really didn’t mean any harm. They were just confused with the motto: “We don’t rebuild. We reload.”

25. North Carolina - According to Wikipedia, UNC’s nickname, the Tar Heels, derived from Confederate soldiers who “stuck to their ranks with tar on their heels.” Though impressive during battle, someone should tell Coach Williams that it’s not the best way to play defense.

31.Wisconsin – The Badgers made it to the finals of the Old Spice Classic in Disney World. I found that surprising. No, not that Wisconsin did so well. But, as someone who has stood hour-long lines for Space Mountain, I was previously convinced that all deodorants were banned from The Magic Kingdom.

Take it easy,
Dave

Handful of Hopefully Humorous Rankings - Week1

2010-11-21T15:24:00.000-08:00

Instead of just doing the Top 10, this year I’ve decided to throw in some other random teams. Why? To mix it up a bit. I’ve also decided to go with 4 instead of 10. Why? Because 4 is less than 10.

1.Duke – On ESPN this past Friday night, Dick Vitale claimed that Coach K was the best coach of any team of any sport on any level. I think Vitale might have forgotten something. No, not that Bill Belichick has won 3 Super Bowls or that Phil Jackson has 11 rings. But that he was calling a game between Pitt and Texas.

3.Kansas State – It surprised me that prep school star Nino Williams signed with Kansas State. I figured he would have fit in much better at University of Kansas. You know, since he’s from Leavenworth.

20.Temple – I’m hoping that Temple’s upcoming game against Cal is televised and that Chris Berman does the play by play. I’d love to see what kind of nickname he could come up with for Cal’s sophomore, Bak Bak.

23.Tennessee – Coach Bruce Pearl was suspended by the SEC for 8 games because he had recruits over to his house for dinner. This has made the other SEC coaches quite happy. They think they can use this ruling to keep unwanted friends and family from coming to their homes for Thanksgiving dinner.

Take it easy,
Dave

Pre-Season Final 4 & Irrelevant Comments

2010-11-07T16:48:00.000-08:00

Below are my hopefully humorous pre-season Final 4 picks. Though, like most people not in Durham, I kind of hope my first pick is wrong.

1.Duke – The Blue Devils first game is against Princeton Sunday in the 10th year of the CBE Classic. That’s quite sad. No, not the match-up. But the fact that something created during my lifetime could possibly be considered a “Classic”. It’s almost as depressing as the time when I heard “The Safety Dance” on the radio and then realized that I was listening to an oldies station.

2.Michigan State – After a big play, Spartans’ guard, Kalin Lucas loves to “jersey pop”. You know, by pulling on the top from of his jersey. He apparently thinks this is quite “bad-ass”. Really? How “bad-ass” can an act be that makes a guy look like he has boobs?

3.Pittsburgh – The Panthers open the season on Monday against Rhode Island. Now that seems appropriate. See ‘cause, Pittsburgh very much likes to be called Pitt and the state of Rhode Island is very much like a pit.

4.Memphis – It might be a stretch to pick the young Tigers for the Final 4, but I really like their new forward, Hippolyte Tsfack. As hoops names go, Hippolyte is definitely top notch. But I can assure you with first hand knowledge that it is not a great pet name for a wife.

Take it easy,
Dave

One Sh!tty Moment - 2010

2010-04-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

After the championship game, CBS once again showed a montage of Tourney clips set to “One Shining Moment”. The lyrics are below. Interspersed within those lyrics are the words to the 2010 version of my song – “One Sh!tty Moment”, written for all of you who, like me, had their brackets destroyed well before Monday’s big game. Enjoy.

One Sh!tty Moment - 2010

The ball is tipped
(Kansas got whipped)  
and there you are 
(So you head to a bar)
you're running for your life 
(Hiding from your wife)
you're a shooting star
(‘Cause you bet too much by far.)

And all the years
(Downin’ all those beers)  
no one knows
(hoping no one knows)
just how hard you worked
(despite how hard you worked)
but now it shows...
(you forgot that Boeheim blows!)

 IN ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(In One Sh!tty Moment)
IT'S ALL ON THE LINE 
(ND’s Goddy Seemed Blind)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
THERE FROZEN IN TIME   
(St. Mary’s kicked ‘Nova’s behind)

But time is short  
(Kentucky came up short)
and the road is long
(Baylor didn’t stay too long) 
in the blinking of an eye
(You let out a sigh)
ah that moment's gone
(Your Final 4 is gone.)

And when it's done
(Though K-State made it fun)
win or lose
(to watch Xavier lose,)
you always did your best 
(2 OTs meant no rest)
cuz inside you knew... 
(So next day’s work you screwed) 

THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
(You Knew Georgetown Hadn’t Tried)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE 
(You Puked With Each Duke High Five)
 
Feel the beat of your heart
(WV’s loss stopped your heart) 
feel the wind in your face
(But Huggins didn’t wipe tears from “your” face.) 
it's more than a contest 
(And Cornell won? A math contest?)
it's more than a race...  
(Then the Spartans put you in your place.)

And when it's done
(Picked Butler out in Round 1) 
win or lose 
(Yeah, you can really choose)
you always did your best 
(Thought you were up for the test)
cuz inside you knew...  
(But Murray State? Who knew?)

THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(That One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED FOR THE SKY
(Northern Iowa Just Wouldn’t Die)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU WERE WILLING TO TRY
(So Throw Away Those Brackets – They Just Make You Cry.)

Until next year -

 Take it easy,
Dave

“Who’s Who” of who is still alive in the Free pool:
(Also known as the list of people who have yet to have their One Sh!tty Moment.)

Butler Wins:
1.Michael Wood ($1,967.87)– My 6’ 4” neighbor who used to be UConn’s strength coach and was listed by Men’s Journal amongst the top 100 fitness trainers in the US. Whenever my wife sees him out walking his tiny little dog she always comments, “Oh, how cute.” Wait a minute. It’s just hitting me that my wife might not be referring to the dog.

2. (Tie) Jon Weideman ($490.46) – A man with whom I’ve showered many times. I should probably explain that. Jon and I went to St. Bonaventure University where the dorms are equipped with communal showers. Yeah, you’d think that would be the situation at a Catholic school.

2.(Tie) Julia Wood ($490.46)– Though ranked by “ESPN Rise” as one of the best guards in Massachusetts, she has yet to beat me in a game of H-O-R-S-E. That could be because she has yet to play me in a game of H-O-R-S-E.

4.(Tie) Charles O’Shea ($81.74)– A person whom I’ve never met. According to my sister Samara, he is a good friend of hers. Not sure what that means. She considers Julia Stiles to be a friend based on the fact that they once shared a cab.

4.(Tie) Michael Joyce ($81.74) – My sister’s boyfriend’s brother-in-law. He is, therefore, living proof that I truly ask everyone I know, to ask everyone they know, to join this pool.

Duke Wins:
1.Eric Anable ($1,961.87)– An old friend dating back to junior high with whom I reconnected with recently via the power of Facebook. He and I played on a travel soccer team called Ajax. He then got really good, and moved on to play for 409.

2.Mark Hoover ($653.96)– Clearly someone who now hates the power of Facebook. He's also a BC Law buddy who has yet to recover from the fact that “Jackass 2” got snubbed at the Oscars.

3.Michael Wood ($326.97) – See Above
4 (Tie) Jon Weideman ($81.74) – See Above
4. (Tie) Julia Wood – ($81.74) - See Above

Jimmy V - $163.48
*(An extra $25 was donated by Tyler Bonstead to the Jimmy V Foundation)

Good Luck To All,
Dave

Dave's Final 4 Point Play

2010-04-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

Below is my hopefully humorous Final 4-point play. Below that is the list of all the folks who still have a shot at coming in first –fourth in the “Free” pool. I opted not to put together a separate list of people who claim to know a lot about college hoops, but have no chance at winning the pool – because I would be on top.

Final 4 Point Play –
1.Butler – So, odds are that you, like most folks, are leaning toward rooting for the underdog Bulldogs to win it all. Before you commit, let me give you a little bit of info about the founder of Butler University that may change your mind. He was an attorney.

2.Duke – During their game against the “play-in” winner, Arkansas Pine-Bluff, the Blue Devil Mascot wore a headband that read “Played In/Blown Out.” Given that Duke’s win on Sunday was due to awful officiating, their mascot should be forced to wear a different headband this weekend. One that reads, “Fix’s In/Bailed Out.”

3.West Virginia –I’ve been told that WV’s guard, Joe Mazzulla has acquired the nickname “Corn Oil”. I’m guessing that’s because of Mazola Corn Oil. Then again, it could be because he has some kind of greasy foot issue.

4.Michigan State – Oregon reportedly offered to make Tom Izzo the highest paid coach in college basketball. Should it really take that much to convince him to leave the state of Michigan. I mean, half that state is currently filled with unemployed people. And the other half is filled with Michael Moore.

Folks With A Chance To Finish 1-4 In The Arguably Non-Illegal Pool

Duke Wins Championship
1 Eric Anable
2 Mark Hoover
3.Michael Wood
4 (tie) John Wiedeman
4.(tie) Julia Wood

West Virginia Wins Championship
1 Tara Kenyon
2 Clare Frey
3. Mikey Schmidt
4.Dan Palmisano

Michigan State or Butler beats West Virginia
1.Michael Joyce
2.David Mitchell
3.David Diprosa
4.Tara Kenyon

Michigan State or Butler beats Duke
1.Michael Wood
2.(tie) John Wiedeman
2.(tie) Julia Wood
4. (tie) Charles O’Shea
4. (tie) Michael Joyce

First place - $1,947.49
Second place $649.16
Third place - $324.58
Fourth place - $162.29
Jimmy V - $162.29
Total Pot - $3,245.81
*(An extra $25 was donated by Tyler Bonstead to the Jimmy V Foundation)

Take it easy,
Dave

Dave's 2nd Ridiculous 4 Pointer

2010-03-25T03:33:00.000-07:00

Below is my 2nd attempt at a humorous 4-pointer. Below that is some info on my sort of free and arguably non-illegal NCAA Tourney Pool.

4 Point play -

1.Southwest – Every commercial break during the Tourney seems to include the ad for Southwest Airlines. You know, with the 10 guys who each have a letter of “BAGS FLY FREE” painted on their chests. Seemingly self-explanatory, but somehow I’m confused. Are they referring to the luggage or to that forlorn passenger on another airline who happens to be a homely old woman?

2.Kansas – KU’s new football coach has forbidden his players from swearing. He even has a list of disallowed words. The basketball team has a similar rule, but only one word is on their list – Farokmanesh.

3.St. Mary’s – After realizing that Omar Samhan’s last name is pronounced Sam-han, CBS announcer Bill Raftery dubbed him “The Sandman”. Slightly clever. But as usual CBS took it too far. Rumor has it they’re working on a sitcom starring Samhan and Raftery called “The Sandman & The Old Man.”

4.Games Needed – So Monday night comes and there were no NCAA Tourney games to watch. I was going through “hoops withdrawal” so bad that I started getting the shakes. Luckily, I found some NIT games. Phew. A few minutes more and I would have turned to women’s basketball.

Free Pool Info

Assuming that all the checks that I received actually clear, below is the breakdown on the winnings from the donations -

First place - $1,947.49
Second place $649.16
Third place - $324.58
Fourth place - $162.29
Jimmy V - $162.29
Total Pot - $3,245.81
*(An extra $25 was donated by Tyler Bonstead to the Jimmy V Foundation)

Take it easy,
Dave

Dave's First Ridiculous 4 Point Play

2010-03-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

Below is my "First Ridiculous 4 Point Play" of the Tourney. I hope it is as laughable as when I actually attempt to make a 4-point play in a game.

1.Kentucky – I picked The Wildcats to win it all. My only fear is if Bledsoe gets injured. You know, ‘cause UK doesn’t have a guy to replace him named Brady.

2.Syracuse – Vegas has pretty high odds on SU making it to the Final Four. They also have decent odds on Jennifer Hudson showing up and singing, “One Shining Moment”. This then begs the following question: If both Syracuse & Jennifer Hudson are at the Final 4, what are the odds that she tries to eat the Orange?

3.Arkansas-Pine Bluff – The Golden Lions lost their first 11 games of the season, but managed an unbelievable turn around and made the Tournament. Such immense failure followed by incredible success is much like the story of my life. Well, minus the part with the incredible success.

4.The Masters – CBS has been perpetually promoting the Masters during the Tourney. I really think they should add a little public service message concerning the lesson to be learned from Tiger’s predicament. That of course being – Don’t ever get married.

For those of you in the "FREE" and arguably non-illegal pool, the pot is at $3,245.81 as of 4:00p.m. on 3/22.

I'll try for another 4 pointer on Thursday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Idiot Proof Rules for Pool with Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 19

2010-03-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

The Idiot Proof Rules & Instructions for this year’s pool are below my Hopefully Humorous Rankings. Though this week instead of listing the top 10, I listed the first 10 – as in the first 10 in the NCAA Tourney.

First 10 -

1.Cornell – Given that “The Big Red” is located in the economic disaster land of upstate New York, Cornell might want to make a slight alteration to its nickname. And go with “In The Big Red”.

2.Murray State - Murray State was the best of the 10 teams in the Ohio Valley Conference. Of those 10 teams, not one is actually in Ohio. Big deal. Not one team in the Atlantic-10 Conference is in the Atlantic.

3.East Tennessee State – With ETSU now in the Tourney, the state of Tennessee might get an impressive four bids. The best of the bunch just may be the Vanderbilt Commodores. Though the folks at Vandy like to call themselves “The ‘dores”. Why? Well, go to iTunes and click on “Three Times A Lady.” That’s why.

4.Winthrop – Based in Rock Hill, South Carolina, Winthrop was formed with the goal of educating teachers. It changed that goal when it realized that the State of South Carolina found no need for having educated teachers.

5.Northern Iowa – Senior Jordan Eglsder is majoring in Youth and Human Services. Huh. Aren’t most youth also human? Wait a minute. I forgot about teenagers.

6.Old Dominion – I just checked out ODU’s roster and I noticed that Chris Cooper plays forward. That’s hard to picture. I’ll always see him as a CIA agent trying to catch Jason Bourne.

7.Siena – The Saints have won the automatic bid from the Metro Atlantic. The Vermont Catamounts may get the bid from America East. It has yet to be determined who will represent Virgin Atlantic or US Air.

8.Wofford – Many people think that Wofford is pronounced “Wuff-ford”. The school chooses to pronounce it Waff-ford. It doesn’t help that the nickname is the Terriers. But then again, the school chooses to pronounce “Terriers” as Cats.

9.St. Mary’s - St. Mary’s web site indicates that college’s mission is to “Transform the way students think about themselves.” If that’s really their mission they might want to think about dropping St. Mary’s as its name. And replacing it with L Ron Hubbard’s.

10.North Texas – North Texas has one of my favorite nicknames: The Mean Green. So much better than their second choice: The Cantankerous Chartreuse.

Idiot Proof Instructions For This Year's "Free" NCAA Tourney Pool.

(As of 3:30 p.m. 3/18/10 - the pot is at $2,288.16)

There's some BIG CHANGES from last year, so PLEASE READ through the below spew.

1. Yahoo - As in the past, the pool will be run via Yahoo and in the classic "fill out the bracket" format with points doubling each round. As opposed to last year, the whole pool will be on one Yahoo site. Since each site can only hold 250 entries, you might want to join soon to assure yourself a spot. Also IMPORTANT to note is that every year the Yahoo Tourney site temporarily crashes - usually the day after Selection Sunday and the hour before the first round starts on Thursday. Avoid this aggravation by joining soon.

2. $ prizes - 1st place: 60% of pot, 2nd place: 20% of pot, 3rd place 10% of pot, 4th place - 5% of pot, Jimmy V Foundation 5% of pot.

3. Cost - BIG CHANGES

3a. Same as last year - The pot for the pool, like last year, will come from all of the advertising revenue and donations that I receive at www.davebarendscollegehoophumor.blogspot.com. That's right, every penny I get I'm putting toward the pot. I'm not keeping a cent. Last year's total pot was near $3000. Also like last year, you can join the pool for free.

3b. Different from last year - If you donate less than $25 and you finish in 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th place, your share of the winnings will be sent directly to the Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research. If you donate $25 or more and you finish in 1st, 2nd or 3rd or 4th place, your share of the winnings will be sent directly to you and you can make whatever charitable donation you see fit. Bottom line - if you want the winnings sent to you, donate at least $25.

4.How to donate - The easiest and preferable way is via the PayPal link at the top right hand corner of www.davebarendscollegehoophumor.blogspot.com. There are a couple negatives with PayPal though: that company takes something like 3% + 30 cents of every donation. Regardless, a $25 donation to Paypal will count as a "$25" donation to the pool. Also, some people are just afraid of using Paypal. So if you would like to donate, but don't want to use Paypal you can send me a check BUT ONLY IF you actually know me. Sorry.

5. Deadline to donate - If you donate via Paypal you must have your donation in before noon on Thursday, March 18th. If you donate via check (only if you know me) you must have your envelope postmarked by Thursday March 18. If you join the pool, but submit your donation after March 18th, your winnings will be forwarded to Jimmy V. Also, if you don't get an email me thanking you for your donation, that means that I have not received your donation.

6.Enter with your Actual Name - It's VERY IMPORTANT that when you create the name of your entry for our Yahoo site, you enter your actual name. Otherwise, I will delete you. It is a severe pain in the ass trying to keep track of who everyone is when people are not using their actual names. So, if your name is Keith Mangas, just create your entry name to be Keith Mangas. If you feel absolutely compelled to include some kind of nickname, as my father does, then put it in quotes between your first and last names. Got it Harold "Golden Balls" Barend? Also, if I do not know you, you must email me at davebarend@yahoo.com prior to joining to let me know who you are. If there is a entry in our pool whose name I do not recognize, I will delete it.

7. NO Multiple Entries - 1 entry per person. BUT if you really want to submit multiple entries, then convince someone else you know to join and make the picks for that person. You might also want to try to convince that person to give you the $ if you win.

8.Friends/Recruits - Feel free to get your friends, family members or whoever else you know to join the pool. But please make sure they realize that if they join they need to email me and let me know who they are or they will be deleted. Also, don't just forward other people the password and group id#. Make sure they get all of the rules.

9.Advertising - if you want to advertise on my site, send me an email and we'll work out something.

10. How to Join our Yahoo group site - Though I have listed idiot proof steps to join the Yahoo site, many of you should be able to figure it out at http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1. Go to join group. The group id # is 11594. The password is swish - (the name of the transvestite in Fastbreak.) Please remember that when you enter your "Bracket Name" to use your actual name. You also might want to remember to sign back in to the site after Sunday March 14 - so you can make your picks.

Idiot Proof instruction on joining the Yahoo Group

(1) Go to http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1. OR you can go to Yahoo, click on sport, click on fantasy, then click on Tourney Pick'em '10.

(2) Click on “Join a Group” (Not “create a group”)
(3) Click on “Join Group” (different screen from step 2)
(4) Enter your own personal Yahoo ID and Yahoo password on right side from your own personal Yahoo account. Note that these are NOT the same as the ones list below for entering our group. COMMON MISTAKE – is entering the info to join the site. Try not to make that mistake.
(5) If you do not have your own personal Yahoo account click on "Sign Up" under "Don't have a Yahoo! ID?" Otherwise, go to step (6).
(5b)Enter the requested personal info (name & your creation of an id and password, & code) on the page.
(5c) Write down your personal id and password then click on "agree" to the terms then click on “create my account”.
(5d) Click on “continue” to Yahoo Sports on right side of page.

(6) Enter our group id# 11594 and our password swish - (the name of the transvestite in Fastbreak.) . (DO Not enter your personal Yahoo id and password.) Click on “save and continue”.
(7) Enter your actual full name as your "bracket name". Please NO NICKNAMES!! I will delete entries that do not comply.
(8) Click on the box next to “Terms of Service”
(9) Determine whether you want to enter Yahoo's separate contest for $1mil - if so, enter the requested info and accept terms. If you don’t need the $1,000,000 then I’d say you probably could afford to donate $25 bucks to the pot.
(10) Hit submit (lower left corner) – You are now in our group.

(11) “I don’t see my name!!” - Your name might not appear because the initial screen only shows 10 entrants. Click on standings. Ahh – there’s your name.

(12) Click on your name. The Midwest region appears. Click on the the team you want to win each game of the first 4 rounds. Then click on Save and Continue. Do the same for the next 3 regions and then for the final 4.

(13) Make sure you Save your Picks – Every year someone fails to do so. Every year that person actually wanted me to allow them to enter their picks after the games had been played. So every year I'm reminded me of an episode of Cheers where Sam thought he was doing Woody a favor by not placing a ridiculous sports bet, but the long shot won. Sam then had the following conversation with Diane.

Diane: So, why don't you go to the... 
Sam: Bookie. 
Diane: ...bookie and tell him that you honestly intended to wager on the winning teams and see if he won't give you the money. 
Sam: That's a good idea. While I'm at it why don't I just tell him that I meant to bet on all the winning teams since 1975?

If you just save your picks then we don’t have to have that same conversation.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 18

2010-03-05T03:38:00.000-08:00

I feel compelled to inform you that my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies are mentioned on page 27 of this week’s Sports Illustrated. You should really check it out. Well, after you read week 18 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings.

Top 10 -

1.Syracuse – During ESPN’s telecast of Saturday’s game from the Carrier Dome, they kept showing a dancing, overweight, middle-aged guy who had achieved a modicum of fame in the 80s. They called him the “Dome Ranger.” I kind of think a better nickname would have been “Digger.”

2.Kansas – Thanks to a great game from Obi Muonelo, Oklahoma State knocked off the Jayhawks this past weekend. I have to say the reporters showed great restraint when interviewing Muonelo after the big win. Not once did anyone ask, “So Obi, do you think the force was with you?”

3.Kentucky - The Wildcats went to Tennessee and got knocked off. The same fate befell Kansas when they went to Tennessee. So it seems like the Volunteers just need one more accomplishment to be considered the favorite to win the Tourney. Beat Syracuse? No. Convince the NCAA to move the Final 4 to Tennessee.

4. West Virginia – The current Mountaineer mascot is a very attractive female student. I don’t think that’s going to help rid West Virginia of its back woods image. I mean, they finally find a good-looking woman in that state and then they dress her up as a man.

5.Villanova – For $5 you can buy a headband that says, “I love Villanova Hoops”. Or for free, you can get a marker and write on your forehead, “I’m a Dork”.

6. Kansas State – I just learned that the purple clad K-State Wildcats are one of only 3 Division 1 teams that have a single official color. There’s Syracuse whose one color is obviously orange. And also Harvard, whose one color is obviously - dollar bill green.

7. Ohio State – In December, Evan Turner fell during an attempted slam-dunk and broke 2 vertebrae. Today he’s not only back playing, but is a front-runner for player of the year. Truly fantastic. Especially in the eyes of conservative commentator Glenn Beck. He believes Turner’s recovery is definitive evidence that there is no need for national health care.

8. Purdue – ESPN included Robbie Hummel’s season ending injury amongst the “Breaking News” on its scroll. I’m amazed ESPN considered that breaking news. Usually they reserve that for extremely important events. Like when Mel Kiper Jr. creates a new list of the top 5 tackles.

9.Duke – The Blue Devils may end up facing Florida State in the ACC Tournament. The Seminoles center, Soloman Alabi (pronounced A-lah-be) is one of my favorites. I’ve even gone so far as to write a song about him. Here’s what I have so far:

“A-lah be, A-lah be, A-lah A-lah A-lah be. A-lah be on the next level. A-lah be rockin over that bass treble.”

I’m telling you, it’s going to be a hit. I gotta feeling.

10. New Mexico – New Mexico’s coach got into a bit of a confrontation with a player on BYU. For perspective on whether the coach should be punished who did ESPN turn to? Bobby Knight. You can actually read Knight’s response on ESPN.com. If instead you’re looking for something less predictable, check out Rush Limbaugh’s current opinion on the Obama Administration.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 17

2010-02-26T03:21:00.000-08:00

Below is week 17 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings. Last week I had an unprecedented number of hits on this site. Which makes me wonder, what is it about davebarendscollegehoophumor.blogspot.com that makes people think that there might be porn?

Top 10 -

1.Kansas – Due to his shooting slump, Sherron Collins was recently asked if he is in good health. He responded, “I’m great. I’m 100%. When you miss shots everyone thinks there’s something wrong with you.” Apparently Sherron would prefer that everyone just think that he stinks.

2.Kentucky – The Wildcats would have lost to Vandy had Ogilvy hit a wide-open last second shot. I’m guessing the reason he missed was because he arm was still sore. You know, from leaning into that pitch against the Yankees during his stint on the Bad News Bears.

3.Purdue – During a recent Boilermakers’ home game, ESPN announcer, Steve Lavin, allowed fans to pour popcorn into his mouth as a tribute to Purdue grad Orville Redenbacher. I hope he continues these tributes to famous alums when he goes to University of Illinois – the alma mater of Hugh Hefner.

4.Syracuse – ESPN’s Game Day will be at the Carrier Dome this weekend. Last week they were at University of Washington’s Hec Edmundson Pavillion. That begs the relatively unique question: “Who the heck is Hec?”

Clarence “Hec” Edmundson coached Washington from 1920-1947 and is credited with creating the fast break. He would have been a great choice to star in the less-than blockbuster movie “Fast Break”. The part went to Gabe Kaplan who had a bit of an advantage over Hec. He wasn’t dead.

5.Duke – I’m thinking of buying one of those T-shirts Duke is selling to commemorate Mike Krzyzewski’s 1000th game. It’s not that I’m a big fan of Coach K. I just want some evidence to prove to my wife that somebody does in fact watch more college basketball than me.

6.Kansas State - Some people believe Coach Frank Martin’s physical confrontation with one of his players is connected to his Cuban heritage. That’s ridiculous. First of all, he barely touched the kid. Second of all, at no point did he pull out a gun and say, “Let me introduce you to my little friend.”

7.West Virginia – The Mountaineers were the latest victim of Coach Jim Calhoun’s resurgent UConn Huskies. I just learned that Calhoun used to be a game show host. Given his plethora of recent health problems and surgeries, he’d be the perfect guy if they ever made a show out of the game “Operation”. Not as the host, but as the game board.

8.Villanova – During half-time of Sunday’s Villanova-Pitt game, CBS began its “Countdown To The Tournament.” That’s actually just an abbreviated title of the countdown. The full title is; “Countdown To The Tournament That CBS Ruins By Mandating Timeouts Every 2.5 Minutes.”

9.Ohio State – The president of Ohio State is looking to make some big changes. If I were in charge, I’d get rid of the mascot. Because his name is Brutus.

10.Butler –On Saturday, ESPN’s announcers noted that the Final 4 is taking place in Indianapolis – also the location of Butler’s campus. They then agreed that it would, therefore, be ironic if Butler made the Final 4 this year. It is somewhat amazing that a strong grasp of the English language is not a prerequisite to obtaining a job as an ESPN commentator. Actually, it’s somewhat ironic.

As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 16

2010-02-19T05:48:00.001-08:00

Below is Week 16 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings. However, it’s not the rankings that are humorous, it’s the comments afterward. Sadly, that might not be clear.

Top 10 –

1.Kansas – Coach Self forced Tyshawn Taylor to remove his Facebook site after he made a couple of really stupid postings. This has got the folks at Facebook worried. If people realize that they shouldn’t put up stupid posts there’ll be nothing left.

2.Kentucky – Coach Cal is a bit afraid of playing at Vandy because his players might forget that in that arena the coaches sit on the baseline. I guess I could see the following mishap: Calipari calls “play #1”, but John Wall runs “play #2” Why? Because he sees some fat fan on the sideline ordering two Buds.

3.Villanova – The Wildcats just lost to UConn who had been on a tailspin since Coach Jim Calhoun left for health reasons too personal to disclose. This is the same guy who previously shared his prostate issues with the world. What could possibly be more embarrassing? My guess: an accidental overdose of Viagra.

4.Purdue – ESPN’s bracketology expert, Joe Lunardi has Purdue as a #2 seed. What the hell are bracketology experts, you ask? People who try to project the NCAA Tournament brackets. In other words, they’re geeks who follow college hoops. You can actually take a bracketology course taught by Lunardi. He’ll even sign your certificate upon completion. Which would look great next to your Mark Hamill signed lightsaber.

5.Syracuse –An intentional foul was called on SU’s Kris Joseph right near the end of the Louisville game. Apparently it’s okay to foul at the end of the game, but only if you have the ability to act like you’re not doing so intentionally. I understand Boeheim’s frustration, but he overreacted by immediately adding a coaching position for James Lipton.

6.Duke – Venezuela native and Maryland guard, Greivis Vasqueaz, declared that Duke’s arena was his home. He and his Terps then went to Duke and got blown out. I believe that when these facts are considered together there can be only one conclusion: Venezuela blows.

7.Kansas State –Jason Pullen’s Amish-esq beard is now a craze amongst the K-State student body. It’s nice to see that style in the state of Kansas has finally caught up to that of the Amish.

8. West Virginia - The game between Pittsburgh and West Virginia was billed as the “Backyard Brawl”. A clever name, but it might have some negative marketing ramifications. I mean, do the folks at West Virginia really want to emphasize their proximity to the city of Pittsburgh?

9.Gonzaga – After the Jesuits decided to name a college after Saint Aloysius Gonzaga, Father Cataldo rejected their suggestion to name the school Aloysius College. His rumored reasoning: People would never remember how to correctly pronounce Aloysius.

10. Georgetown – During the Hoyas’ game on Thursday, I saw a woman in the stands wearing a pink hat with the big Georgetown “G” on the front. She needs to either get rid of that hat or her boyfriend. He appeared to be poking her in the forehead in hopes of providing a climactic experience.

As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 15

2010-02-12T03:53:00.000-08:00

My Valentine’s Day gift to you: a joke about college hoops. Yes, I realize that there are 10 attempts at humor below. Just consider the one that comes closest to making you laugh to be the gift.

Top 10 -

1.Kansas – Cole Aldrich is a regional finalist for the College Sports Information Directors of America’s Academic All-American team. To make the team he’ll need to keep up his stellar performance on the court and in the classroom. A task almost a daunting as figuring out what in the hell is the College Sports Information Directors of America.

2.Syracuse – Not too long ago Syracuse used to be called the Orangemen. They got rid of that name due to a fear that it might offend some people - like George Hamilton.

3.Kentucky – Demarcus Cousins had a streak of 6 double-doubles in a row. I also had double-doubles in my last 6 pick-up games. Though I’m not sure if you’re supposed to count turnovers and fouls.

4.West Virginia – Though their official nickname is the Mountaineers, WV fans will sometimes refer to the team as the Eers. The abbreviation doesn’t seem to work on t-shirts that say, “I’m A Big Eers Fan.” I think those t-shirts would be much bigger sellers if the official nickname was the Mountainboobs.

5.Villanova – Coach Jay Wright is taking some flak for refusing to wear an all pink suit for this Saturday’s “Pink Out”. He is, however, up for singing “Glitter In The Air” while hanging upside down from the rafters.

6.Purdue – The Boilermaker’s should make “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now” the team’s theme song. Why? 2 reasons: (1) Their offense is at times completely unstoppable, and (2) Their web site is sponsored by Toyota.

7.Duke – I’ve always associated Duke with academic excellence. But yesterday I came across some strong evidence to the contrary: A Duke Snuggie.

8.Gerogetown – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was at the Hoyas game this past weekend. Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head when Monore made an incredible pass. And when Wright made a lay-up. And when the coach called time out. And when the ref blew his whistle. And when a player dribbled the ball. And when . . .

9.Kansas State – K-State’s web site has freshman phenom Wally Judge’s major listed as “undecided.” I think that’s a misprint. It should say “unnecessary.”

10.Michigan State – Much like Stanford, Michigan State’s logo is a big “S”. And much like Stanford, Michigan State . . . nope, the logo is pretty much the only similarity between Stanford and Michigan State.

As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 14

2010-02-05T03:41:00.000-08:00

Below is week 14 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings. Just to be clear it’s “week 14” not “weak 14”. Well, you know, hopefully.

Top 10

1.Kansas – The Jayhawks won at Kansas State’s court called the “Octagon of Doom”. An especially impressive win given that all of KU’s prior games were on rectangles.

2.Villanova – Some folks think that Junior Antonio Pena is destined for greatness because he was born on July 20th – the day that man first walked on the moon. Others think differently. Those would be people who know that I was also born on July 20th.

3.Kentucky – The Wildcats play in Rupp Arena, named after Adolph Rupp who (1) was unquestionably one of the best college basketball coaches of all time and (2) was unquestionably one of the last people named Adolph.

4.Syracuse – Go to Google and start typing in “Jim Boeheim”. As you are typing you will notice that Google lists “Jim Boeheim Wife” as it’s second suggestion. Click on that. Now try to come up with a reason why that wasn’t the first suggestion.

5.Michigan State – In a game last weekend Durrell Summers scored on an alley-oop to start both the first half and the second half. I couldn’t find out if that had been done before, but I did learn that ally-oop was derived from the French “allez hop” – the popular cry of a circus acrobat about to land. Substantially more popular than “allez plop” – the cry of a circus acrobat about to plummet.

6.West Virginia - Over the past few weeks fans at WV games have been throwing objects at the refs and opposing players. Coach Huggins can’t understand how the fans could be so stupid. Apparently he didn’t realize that when coaching at West Virginia there would be fans from West Virginia.

7.Purdue – The Boilermakers and the rest of the Big 10 may be joined by Pitt in the near future. This would make for a total of 12 teams in that conference. So is it finally time for a name change? Heck no. Just go with a very large font. Or have it appear as “The Big 12”, but tell everyone it’s pronounced “The Big 10.”

8. Georgetown – Hoyas Coach John Thompson III joined other coaches across the country last week and wore sneakers during his game to raise awareness for cancer. Unfortunately, I don’t think it was a big success. Probably because most people are already aware of cancer.

9.Kansas State – McGruder hit two pressure packed free throws to send Saturday’s game into overtime. Too bad he couldn’t have had that same composure later – you know, when he choked trying to defuse a bomb on Saturday Night Live.

10.Duke – A few years ago Coach Krzyewski wrote a book called “Leading with The Heart” and subtitled “Successful strategies for basketball, business and life.” Unfortunately he did not include any successful strategies for spelling and pronouncing Krzyzewski.

As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 13

2010-01-29T05:02:00.000-08:00

Week 13 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings is below. You will enjoy this immensely unless you don’t.

Top 10

1.Kansas – The Jayhawks beat Missouri in what Kansas calls “The Border Showdown”. I guess they don’t consider their games with Colorado, Nebraska and Oklahoma to be showdowns. Or, more likely, they don’t realize that they also border those states.

2.Villanova – Coach Jay Wright was once an administrative assistant with the USFL’s Philadelphia Stars. Great stepping-stone for a career coaching football, not basketball. But then again, Villanova is in the Big East.

3.Kentucky – Though DeMarcus Cousins had 16 points in a game last week it really doesn’t make him stand out on Kentucky. He also chipped two teeth in that game. And that doesn’t really make him stand out in Kentucky.

4.Syracuse – Say what you will about Jim Boeheim but . . . Actually, no but, just go ahead and say what you will about Boehiem.

5.Michigan State – Michigan State almost chose the nickname the Staters over the Spartans. The Michigan State Staters? Actually that would have been great. It would have made my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies seem much less pathetic.

6.Texas – After losing two in a row, Longhorns’ Coach Rick Barnes was asked what his team needed to do to start winning. His response: “More execution.” Huh. Isn’t that also the motto for the state of Texas?

7.Duke – The folks at Clemson’s Littlejohn Coliseum had to be a bit displeased with the Tiger’s blowout loss to the Dukies. And even more displeased when Dick Vitale perpetually referred to their arena as “The John”.

8.Gonzaga – 7’5” Will Foster has been averaging a little less than 7.5 minutes per game. That leads to a unique average time playing of about 1 min per foot. His coaches think he could easily double his time by working on his mobility. Either that or just grow another 7 feet 5 inches.

9. BYU – Some find it surprising that Center Chris Miles is married and has a daughter. Others find it surprising that he only has one wife.

10. Georgetown – Digger Phelps thinks that the Hoyas may be the best team in the Big East. That is hilarious. No, not that Georgetown could be that good. But that after all these years Digger is still trying to think.

As always, next set of Rankings coming next Friday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 12

2010-01-22T03:33:00.000-08:00

A buddy of mine informed me that someone else in the blog-o-sphere crafts a similar top 10 rankings with comments, but doesn’t attempt to be funny. Well I guess that’s a positive – I mean, that my buddy can actually tell that I’m attempting to be funny.

Week 12 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings are below. Enjoy.

Top 10
1.Kentucky – At CoachCal.com you can buy a shirt that has a picture on it of one of Calipari’s ties. The perfect gift for someone who wants to pretend to be the coach of UK but can’t afford a tie. Which is pretty much everyone in Kentucky.

2.Texas. In their win over Texas A&M this past week, the Longhorns shot a miserable 56% from the line and missed 3 lay-ups in the last 3 seconds of regulation. Little did I realize that I have the skills to play for Texas.

3.Kansas – The “Rock Chalk Jayhawk” chant was crafted by an English professor. So apparently KU’s English Department doesn’t place much importance on coherent speech.

4.Syracuse – The Orange just beat the Fighting Irish in ND’s new Purcell Pavilion. They named their newly refurbished arena after Morgan Stanley’s former CEO, Phillip Purcell. That makes sense. Because nobody exemplifies Christian values like an investment banker.

5.Villanova – I'm hoping the Wildcats’ upcoming game against Cincinnati is televised. Not that I really care about either team. It’s just that my pre-season guide says Cincy is coached by Mick Cronin. But every time I see them on TV, I swear they’re being coached by Scott Hamilton.

6.Duke – Coach Krzyzewski has thrown his support behind expanding the NCAA Tourney to 96 teams, which should be more than enough reason for everyone else to be against it.

7.Tennessee –Tennessee’s orange and white jerseys have led opposing fans to call the players “creamsicles”. I think the Vols should embrace that creamsicle moniker. It’s much better than the actual origin of those colors. According to UT’s website, the colors represent a little flower that grew on campus called- the daisy.

8.Kansas State – Denis Clement became a YouTube sensation due to his incredible trick shot. He threw a ball at KSU’s center court scoreboard, which then bounced off the floor and through the hoop. Amazing, but I think he can top it. To do so will require a little letter: “Dear Jerry Jones. You know that Jumbotron you bought for $42 million? Can I throw my ball at it?”

9.Gonzaga – I think I finally get it now. It’s not Gon-zah-ga, it’s Gon-ZAG-a. And it’s not Cin-der-ella, it’s O-ver-rated.

10.West Virginia – Guard Casey Mitchell actually dropped out of high school at one point to help with his mom’s cancer. His mom eventually convinced him that he should return because he needed an education. And she needed an oncologist.

As always, next set of Rankings coming next Friday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 11

2010-01-15T03:27:00.000-08:00

Less than 2 months till Selection Sunday. And if the NCAA increases the Tourney to 96 teams the selection show might just take 2 months. Week 11’s Hopefully Humorous Rankings is below.

Top 10

1.Texas –Avery Bradley was a McDonalds All-American, a Jordan All-American and an ESPN top 100 recruit. Impressive. Yet when he got to Texas he took #0 to remind himself that he hadn’t really accomplished anything. Made me think about putting a zero on my vintage St. Bonaventure University jersey to remind me of my lack of accomplishments. Or I could just look at the emblazoned “St. Bonaventure”.

2.Kansas – I swear that when I watch Cole Aldrich play he always seems to have half his mouth guard hanging out. Though I guess he could just be in desperate need of some major orthodontic work.

3.Kentucky - Coach Cal is credited with perfecting the “dribble drive”. Similarly, I deserve credit for perfecting the “non-dribble drive” during my stellar CYO career. Unfortunately, people didn’t call it the “non-dribble drive”. They just called it traveling.

4.Villanova – Mauphatou Yarou contracted Hepatitis, but has not lost a single pound. Great. So now it’s back to cutting carbs, when I thought all I had to do was get Hepatitis.

5.Syracuse – Basketball Times recently labeled Jim Boeheim as the “Nostradamus of the Hardcourt.” I’d say that makes sense. Much like Nostradamus, Boeheim has duped many people into believing that he knows what he’s talking about.

6.Purdue – The Boilermakers suffered their first loss this past week to Wisconsin. The Badgers might have suffered a bigger loss when Jon Lever, their #1 rebounder and #2 scorer, broke his wrist. Though likely out for the season, he was quoted as saying, “I plan on being as big a part of this team as ever.” And I always thought rebounding and scoring were big parts of a basketball team.

7.Duke – There is an autographed photo of Jay Bilas being auctioned on Duke’s homepage. Yes, that in itself should be sufficiently humorous. But for those of you who have the Doug Gottlieb photo, you can now complete your set of people who have inexplicably parlayed marginal college basketball careers, into jobs as ESPN analysts.

8.Michigan State – I used to love watching hoops with a bunch of buddies. Now, I watch the games with my wife and 2 daughters – a vastly different experience. How so? Well, this past week I was forced to engage in the following debate: Was MSU’s arena, the Breslin Center, named after Jack Breslin a former stellar athlete. Or, was it named after Abigail Breslin, the star of “Kit Kittredge – American Girl.”

9. West Virginia – Joe Mazulla currently starts for the Mountaineers even though he is injured and cannot raise his left arm above his head. Tells you that Mazulla is pretty good. Then again, it might just tell you that his back-up stinks.

10. Tennessee – Last week 4 guys on UT got arrested. The remaining players then won two straight, including a victory over then #1 ranked Kansas. Folks at Tennessee are now convinced that the team is better without those 4 guys. They might even have a shot at winning the Tournament. They just need to have a few more guys get arrested.

As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 10

2010-01-08T03:29:00.000-08:00

Week 10 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings is below. So let’s see. 10 weeks times 10 jokes per week is just about 100 jokes. That equals 1 joke per each of my 100 regular readers – if I actually had 100 regular readers.

Top 10

1.Kansas - The Jayhawks should have an easy time beating Tennessee this week given that 4 Volunteer players are currently seeing more time behind bars than on the court. This past week cops pulled over a rental car that contained 4 guys on UT, as well as a couple of guns and some weed. How can that happen? Seriously, how do 4 people ranging from 6’0” to 6’10” fit in the same car?

2.Texas - When asked about freshman walk-on Dean Malchionni, Longhorns Assistant Coach Chris Ogden said, "His voice is going to be one of his biggest strengths on the team." In other words, Dean can’t shoot, pass or dribble to save his life, but he’s the go-to-guy at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru.

3.Kentucky – During the UK-Louisville game, Coach Cal wore a checkered tie. It really didn’t seem to match his suit. But it did match his past.

4.Purdue – I just learned that the Boilermaker’s mascot is named “Purdue Pete”. Couldn’t they just call him Pete? I’d say the Purdue part is pretty obvious from the big P on his hat. And from the word Purdue on his chest.

5.Duke - Miles Plumlee is a sophomore at Duke. Mason Plumlee is a freshman. So, this begs the question, could the Plumlee parents possibly have come up with more prep school-perfect names starting with M? Answer: yes. Miles and Mason have a younger brother named Madison.

6.Villanova – Edward Hunsinger, an All-American at Notre Dame and know as the Little General of the Four Horsemen, came up with Villanova’s nickname of the Wildcats during his time as an assistant coach. Though I’m sure he appreciates the credit, I bet he wishes the school went with his first choice - “The Notre Dame Rejects.”

7.Syracuse – Two years ago Wes Johnson had an amazing year while playing for Iowa State. He was rated the #2 freshman in the Big 12. He then opted to sit out a whole year so he could transfer to SU. Why? Nobody really knows. Such irrationality should have prompted testing by the NCAA. No, not for drug use. But to see if Wes is actually a woman.

8. West Virginia - Just be before New Year’s Day, a lawyer from Tennessee donated one million dollars to the WV basketball team. Folks at UT think he should have given the money to his hometown team. Guess he figured the dough wouldn’t help the Vols all that much, as it would barely cover a year’s worth of bail.

9. North Carolina – The Tar Heels lost a nail biter to the College of Charleston this week. Somehow the Cougar’s coach, Bobby Cremins, remained calm throughout the whole game. He was so relaxed that I actually think I saw one of his hairs turn black.

10 Kansas State – With a mere four splashes of purple, the folks at Kansas State were able to (1) create a Wildcat logo and (2) deal with the team’s myriad psych issues with a readily available Rorschach test.

As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 9

2010-01-01T06:44:00.000-08:00

Week 9 of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings is below. I guarantee that you will laugh – either at the jokes or at the fact that I actually think they are jokes.

Top 10

1.Kansas – In 1988, KU students made a banner out of a shower curtain that read, “Pay Heed”. It hung in Allen Fieldhouse for ten years until the administration decided that it didn’t portray the correct image. Apparently the school didn’t want people thinking that folks in Kansas showered.

2.Texas – The Longhorns’ bench is so deep that announcers are running out of things to compare it to. Here are a few of my suggestions: (1) The Longhorns’ bench is deeper than a conversation with Rick Warren. (2) The Longhorns’ bench is deeper than the pockets of a Goldman Sach’s exec. And (3) The Longhorns’ bench is deeper than the throat of Lindsay Lohan.

3.Kentucky – Wildcats became the school’s nickname back in the early 1900s when Commandant Carbusier, the head of UK’s military department, informed the team that they had “fought like a bunch of wildcats.” I guess that was pretty memorable – at least more so than the time Commandant Carbusier told the team that they “fought like a bunch of pussies.”

4.Purdue - E’Twan Moore had a great game this past week. Afterwards he downed some Reese’s Pieces and phoned home.

5.Syracuse – The Orange finally had a true road game last week when they had to travel to Jersey to play the Seton Hall Pirates. Pirates in New Jersey? Must be a euphemism. It would be too obvious if the school was called the Seton Hall Mafia.

6.West Virginia – With 3 of their last 4 games coming down to the final seconds, Mountaineer fans have surely been getting their money’s worth from their tickets. And Coach Huggins has surely been getting his money’s worth from his defibrillator.

7.Duke – An article at goduke.com hyped the Dukies “big” win over Long Beach State by noting that the 49’ers have faced Notre Dame, Texas and West Virginia this season. The article opted not to mention that Long Beach lost to each of those teams by over 20 points.

8.Villanova – Just like Kentucky, Villanova’s nickname is the Wildcats. Back in the 70s though, its women’s team was called the Wild-kittens. They opted to change that when fans became disappointed when the women started playing basketball – and not stripping.

9.North Carolina – Roy Williams has been coaching all season with his arm in a sling. Big deal. This fall Rick Pitino’s wife found out about his tawdry tryst. Since then he’s been coaching with his ass in a sling.

10. Connecticut - Senior Stanley Robinson, was recently quoted as saying, "I feel like it is going to take a little time for us to get together and start playing basketball.” I would suspect this would result in one of two reactions by Huskie fans: 1) Severe Aggravation – with the fact that it’s now 7 weeks into the season and the team is just thinking about getting its act together. OR 2) Severe Amazement – with the fact that the team has just two losses despite not even knowing what sport it was playing.

As always, next set of rankings coming next Friday

Happy New Year!
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 8

2009-12-24T08:44:00.000-08:00

Below is week 9’s Hopefully Humorous Rankings – slightly better than a lump of coal.

Top 10

1.Kansas – The Jayhawks played Michigan in ESPN’s “Green Game”. I think I actually picked up an important environmental tip during the telecast: If you sit in the stands with your body painted green you are unlikely to raise much awareness to global warming. But you might raise some to gangrene.

2.Kentucky – Last week Bobby Knight publicly chastised UK Coach John Calipari for his lack of character. This week it is expected that Rick Pitino will chastise Tiger Woods for his lack of fidelity.

3.Texas: Answer: Notre Dame Football and Duke Basketball. Question: What are 2 things you would definitely not expect to hear referenced during a game between the Longhorns and UNC? Unless of course, you knew that the announcer was going to be Dick Vitale.

4.Purdue – The Boilermakers played The University of Southern Illinois–Edwardsville on Tuesday. That school had thought about shortening it’s name to Ed U. It then realized that “Ed” is an abbreviation for education. That might lead to the students expecting to receive one.

5.Syracuse –A joyous, but brief moment for my beloved Bonnies occurred when ESPN’s scroll showed St. Bonaventure 33 Syracuse 30. Actually it didn’t say St. Bonventure 33; it said “St. Bon 33.” It would have been an even better moment if ESPN could have just added an “a” to the Bon. Then my friends might not have added an “er”.

6.West Virginia – The Mountaineers have a forward named Da’Sean Butler. Syracuse has a guy named DaShonte Riley and ECU has DaQuan Joyner. Wonder if I would have been a better basketball player had my parents named me Da’Dave. Nah. I would’ve just ended up with a nickname of “Duh”.

7.Duke – The Blue Devils’ last game was December 19 and they don’t play again till the 29th. That gives the Cameron Crazies loads of time to come up with some new antics. Here’s my suggestion: All the students shove as many cigarettes in their mouths as possible. No, not to symbolize that their school was essentially founded with tobacco $. But so they’ll croak.

8.Villanova – Reggie Redding is finally back from a 10 game suspension for driving into a cross-walk sign. How do you hit a cross-walk sign? Actually I could see it happening. You’re driving along and you see a figure with no hands, no feet and a circular black head not attached to his completely black body. You think to yourself, “I must run this alien creature over to save the world!” Who would possible think that? Someone who’s stoned.

9. UConn- I just noticed that UConn’s logo depicts a huskie with its tongue hanging out. I’m not sure that a picture of a panting exhausted dog is all that intimidating. In fact, the message I take from it is, “We are severely out of shape.”

10. New Mexico – The Lobos are having a great season. They are well coached and stocked with underrated talent. But that’s not why I figured they’d beat Oral Roberts this week. The reason I figured that they’d beat Oral Roberts is, well, I’m pretty sure that Oral Roberts is dead.

Merry Christmas,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 7

2009-12-18T04:43:00.000-08:00

Below is week 7 of my hopefully humors rankings. Think of it as an early Christmas present. Whether it should be thought of like a new flat screen tv or a 3 pack of underwear, well, I guess that’s up to you.

Top 10

1.Kansas – Last week I watched two sets of twins play against each other during the LaSalle vs. Kansas game. Really? Yup. As unbelievable as it may seem, I assure you that I actually watched the LaSalle vs. Kansas game.

2. Texas – The Longhorns play UNC on Saturday in the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium. Texas fans are at bit worried about Dexter Pittman though. Not because of his penchant for fouling, but because of his potential to block the jumbo-tron.

3.Kentucky – UK plays Austin Peay this week. So all together now – “Go Peay!” Well, unless you’re a Wildcats fan. Or incontinent.

4.Purdue & West Virginia (tie) – Purdue is playing on New Years’ day in the toilet bowl. No, I’m not referring to one of those many irrelevant college football bowl games. I’m referring to the state of West Virginia.

6.Syracuse – Sophomore guard Scoop Jardine has a legitimate shot at making it to the NBA. Apparently his folks were hoping he’d choose a different career – as the ice cream truck man.

7.Duke – Brian Zoubek could be Duke’s Superman. Granted, he’s not quite a full “Man of Steel” yet. But his total lack of ball handling skills leads me to believe that he already has the hands.

8.Tenessee – The Volunteers’ basketball players are a little upset that the university sent those buxom “hostesses” to help recruit football players. I guess the school figured its hoop team would get enough cleavage exposure from the chest of Bruce Pearl.

9.Villanova – Villanova, St. Joe’s, Penn, LaSalle, and Temple are all part of the Philadelphia Big 5. So what does that say about Philly based Drexel? That they’re brilliant. As opposed to “Philadelphia’s Big 5” there’s at least a chance that a recruit might not realize where Drexel is located.

10. North Carolina – UNC is hoping to make it to Indianapolis for the Final 4. About 70,000 fans will also fill the Lucas Oil Stadium. Most will likely shell out hundreds of dollars without being able to see much of anything, but just to be able to say, “I was there.” There's a much cheaper way to be able to say, “I was there." It just requires a little something I learned in law school – a lie.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 6

2009-12-11T03:47:00.000-08:00

With apologies to Dr. Seuss, I give you week 6 of my hopefully humorous rankings.

Top 10

1.Kansas – Critics are claiming that KU’s bench isn’t playing up to its potential. I don’t agree. There’s actually one guy on that bench who tallied an amazing 31 points and 18 rebounds in his last game for the Jayhawks. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t be counting the stats of Assistant Coach Danny Manning.

2.Villanova – The Wildcats attempted 39 three-pointers in a game this past week setting a new team record. Can’t say that I’m all that impressed. In fact I’m pretty sure I could have broken that record all by myself. I don’t mean to brag, but during my basketball career I was quite a prolific attempter.

3.Texas – The Longhorns next two opponents are Texas State and Texas Pan-American. Hard to believe that these two future blowouts will take place in an arena called “The Special Events Center.”

4.Purdue – Kramer is shooting an impressive 60% for the Boilermakers so far this year. His coaches think he could play even better if he would just watch his diet. He really has to stop eating all that sugar cereal in Jerry’s apartment.

5.Kentucky – So I was reading the classic “Hop On Pop” to my 3 year-old yesterday. We made it to the part about the ball and the wall (truly the dramatic high point of this piece of literature.) It then hit me that Kentucky should publish its own version for super-Frosh John Wall. Maybe something like:

John Wall can ball
John Wall is tall
Tall John Wall can haul with the ball.
Is John Wall in study hall?
No, John Wall who can haul with the ball is not in study hall.
Because in 6 months the NBA will call.
Then it’s bye-bye college basketball for tall John Wall.

6.Syracuse – The Orange will not have its first true away game until the end of December. All those home games have to be a big plus for the players. And it would be even better if home for Syracuse wasn’t in Syracuse.

7.Duke – During the Blue Devils game vs. UConn, I saw a guy wearing what I thought was a shirt that said Duke. Closer look revealed that the D was actually a P. Turns out that some folks found that to be offensive. No, not the Duke alum, but members of the Kate Moss Fan Club.

8.Georgetown – The Hoyas have a roster filled with massive and athletic guys, but they continue to run that slow and rather wussy “Princeton Offense.” Keep it up and they might want to change their name to Gerogette-town.

9.Tennessee – The Volunteers have a game coming up against Charlotte. Any idea what conference Charlotte is in? Hint: there are 14 teams in its conference. Answer: The Atlantic 10 – of course.

10. West Virginia - The Mountaineers just pummeled Duquesne. Any idea what conference Duquesne is in? Hint: the conference is named after the location of its members and Duquesne is in Pittsburgh. Answer: The Atlantic 10 – of course.

Yes, the Atlantic 10 - the only conference that is both geographically and numerically incorrect.

Here are 3 better names for the Atlantic 10:
1.The Atlantic 800 – as in # of miles from A10 member St. Louis Univ. to the Atlantic
2.The Artic 43 – makes as much sense as the Atlantic 10.
3. Xavier’s Conference

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 5

2009-12-04T03:52:00.000-08:00

Below is Week #5’s Hopefully Humorous Rankings. Boeheim is back.

Top 10

1.Kansas – KU’s hoops coach, Bill Self, said he was extremely embarrassed over the 3 fights that his team had with the Jayhawks’ football players earlier this fall. Wait a minute. There’s 85 guys on the football team and they couldn’t knockout a dozen basketball players in 3 rounds? I’d say the football coach is the one who should be embarrassed.

2. Kentucky - Back in 1988 when current Wildcats coach John Calipari was at UMASS, Rick Pitino made a donation to cover almost 10% of Coach Cal’s salary. Wonder if Pitino now thinks that money might have gone to better use. Like maybe to keep the mouth of Karen Sypher shut.

3. West Virginia – Devin Ebanks’ mom was a corrections officer at Rikers Island prison. This came in handy whenever young Devin was subjected to the razzing of “My dad can beat up your dad”. All he had to say was, “Heck, my mom can beat up your dad.”

4. Texas- When Damion Jones learned that the likelihood of him being chosen by an NBA team looked dim, he withdrew his name form last year’s draft. The Texas fans were elated. But was this really great news? How fantastic can you be if you weren’t even wanted by the Nets?

5.Villanova – Corey Stokes and Corey Fisher are Villanova’s version of Hollywood’s two Coreys – Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. There is, of course, one glaring difference – Haim and Feldman can’t act.

6.Syracuse – How do you lose to Lemoyne, but then blow out North Carolina? How do you marry a babe despite having a face that resembles and Idaho Spud? The answers to these and other questions can be found in the yet to be written book entitled, “Things only Jim Boeheim knows.”

7. Purdue – There’s a Bird playing college hoops in Indiana again – Purdue’s D.J. Byrd to be exact. The comparison might be a tad premature though. While Larry made countless jumpers from the baseline, D.J. seems to be spending his time on the sideline. Not by choice. But ‘cause that’s where the bench is.

8. Tennessee - With the entire starting line-up back, the Volunteers might make the Final 4, but that’s not all the Tennessee fans are hoping for. What they really want is for Coach Pearl to make it through the season without stripping on national television.

9. Washington – Quincy Pondexter was the Huskies most improved player in 2009. Quincy Pondexter was also the team’s most improved player in 2008. This begs the question: How much did Quincy Pondexter suck in 2007?

10. Duke – The Blue Devils used to be called the Blue & White. Now they just go with the blue because the white is obvious.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 4

2009-11-27T05:59:00.000-08:00

Below is Week 4’s Hopefully Humorous Rankings. That’s 4 sets of 10 within November. That’s at least marginally impressive. And maybe even marginally humorous as well.

Top 10

1.Kansas – I’m pretty sure I heard Cole Aldrich, swear during a game last week. Sean Hannity of Fox News seems to be overeating to Cole’s little indiscretion. Call me crazy, but I really don’t see this as further evidence that there is no such thing as clean coal.

2.Kentucky –John Calipari has a new book called “Bounce Back”. The title is likely a reference to his perseverance after that devastating defeat in the 2008 Finals. Or it could be referring to what happens to his belly when he stands up.

3.Michigan State – Draymond Green and Raymar Morgan play for the Spartans. Both of these kids’ parents must have really wanted to almost name their child Raymond.

4.Villanova – During the Villanova-Dayton game, one of the announcers said, “You always need to be worried about those second half runs.” I’m not sure whether he was talking about a potential comeback by the Flyers, or the effects of concession-stand nachos.

5.Texas – Jai Lucas left Florida where he was a starting guard and coached by a man with two championships. He is now on Texas where he’s possibly the 6th best guard and coached by a man who has won nothing. He also can’t play till mid-December and wasn’t even given a scholarship. Wonder how this might impact his dad’s foundation that teaches people how to make good decisions.

6.Purdue – According to Sports Illustrated, the Boilermakers should be really good this year because they have 6 starters returning. I kind of think that’s why they were so good last year. I mean, most teams only have 5 starters.

7.West Virginia – In 1959 Jerry West lead the Mountaineers to the Final Four. He used to kid that the University was named after him. He stopped telling that joke when he realized that many of the WV alum didn’t know it was a joke.

8.Duke – Duke got its nickname of the Blue Devils from a regiment of blue cape wearing WWI soldiers who fought for France. And there you have it – yet another reason why rooting for Duke is un-American.

9.Syracuse – Dick Vitale did the color commentary for the SU-UNC game. He is definitely knowledgeable, energetic and entertaining. But I think he’s missing one little thing – a voice.

10.Butler – Gordon Hayward grew over 11 inches from his freshman year of high school to his freshman year of college. He had to go through a new wardrobe every three months. Got to give a lot of credit to his parents. Not just for keeping Gordon clothed, but for single handedly keeping the recession from bankrupting the GAP.

Next set of rankings coming next Friday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 3

2009-11-20T03:37:00.000-08:00

For your entertainment and education, I give you week 3's version of my Hopefully Humorous Rankings & Irrelevant Comments. The education value may be minimal, but the entertainment value, well, that may also be minimal.

Top 10

1.Kansas – The folks at Kansas are convinced that their Jayhawk is the most unique mascot in college sports. Really? The Jayhawk is a big bird with a big yellow beak and big yellow feet. Apparently the folks at Kansas don’t get PBS.

2.Kentucky – During a recent interview with ESPN John Calipari said that his players at Kentucky aren’t as focused on basketball as were his players at Memphis. Yeah, it’s amazing how much more you can focus on hoops when you don’t have to worry about taking your own tests.

3.Michigan State – Given that there are 5 different Div 1 teams with Michigan in their names, it’s hard to keep them straight. I think I have it though. Michigan State – the Spartans. Michigan – the Wolverines. Central Michigan, Western Michigan, Eastern Michigan – Irrelevant.

4.North Carolina – UNC refers to the color on its uniforms as “Carolina Blue” instead of what it actually looks like: powder blue. I think my beloved St. Bonaventure University should adopt a similar name change with its color. They should go with “Bonaventure Brown” instead of what it actually looks like: crap.

5.West Virginia – Every time Bob Huggins is subjected to a bad call, he looks like he’s going to soil himself. He really should team up with Huggies and create an adult diaper. Any geezer with bowel control issues would rather poop in something called a Huggins than a Depends. They better move quick though. I hear Pampers is coming out with the Paterno.

6. Purdue – Purdue University was named after John Purdue – a hardworking, successful, businessman and philanthropist. Unfortunately, people think of something vastly different when they see Purdue – a balding, skinny, chicken hawking, geriatric.

7. Texas – Coach Rick Barnes credits one of his former teachers with turning his life around during his young troublemaking days. He says that’s why he recruited the very troubled J’Covan Brown. Boy, was I wrong. I would have sworn the reason Coach Barnes recruited J’Covan was because he’s a great basketball player.

8.Duke – Though they are the Blue Devils, many people at Duke like to be called Dukies. That just seems to be missing something. Like two more “k”s.

9.Villanova – The ‘Nova faithful were quite excited when Scottie Reynolds decided to stick around for his senior year. His length-of-the-court drive last year to beat Pitt was rated the most thrilling play of The Tourney. Though probably not by players on Pitt.

10. Butler – Coach Brad Stevens has one great recruiting tool: If you go to Butler you'll play your home games in the Hinkle Fieldhouse – the site of the final game from “Hoosiers”. Coach Stevens also has one huge recruiting obstacle: In order to play your home games in the Hinkle Fieldhouse you have to go to Butler.

Most Overrated: Iowa – The Hawkeyes lost to Texas-San Antonio in the first round of the CBE “Tournament”. I put that word in quotes because though Iowa lost they still advance to the semi-finals because the “Tournament” organizers wanted to have the bigger name advance. That’s just plain wrong. Texas-San Antonio is clearly a bigger name than Iowa. By 11 letters to be exact.

Rankings & Irrelevant Comments - week 2

2009-11-13T03:35:00.000-08:00

Below is week 2's version of my hopefully humorous college hoop rankings.

Top 10

1.Kansas – Some KU alum worry that rumors about super frosh Xavier Henry being “one and done” indicate that he’s not taking his education seriously. I’d say the fact that he enrolled at Kansas would be sufficient indication that he’s not taking his education seriously.

2.Kentucky – The Wildcats opening game is against Morehead State. According to the Sporting News, “The key for Morehead will be finding a suitable replacement for power forward Leon Buchanan.” Stupid me. I always thought the key was finding enough booze.

3.Michigan State – Last year Kalin Lucas made almost 40% of his 3-point shots. That means he missed over 60% - wholly unimpressive to me. During my CYO hoops career, I didn’t miss a single trey. I also wasn’t ever allowed to shot one. Or touch the ball.

4.North Carolina (2-0) – Coach Roy Williams has just published an autobiography entitled “Hard Work”. And to write the forward he got – John Grisham. Why? It makes perfect sense to me. Filling over 20 novels almost entirely with monosyllabic words has to be “Hard Work.”

5.West Virginia – This past July, sophomore Darryl Bryant crashed his vehicle into a fellow WVU student. Amazingly no one was seriously hurt. More amazingly, Bryant maintained his hoop scholarship. Most amazingly, Bryant also maintained his nickname of “Truck”.

6. Purdue – Forward Robbie Hummel is often injured and perpetually recovering from a nagging back injury. Heck, he’s so fragile that he should change his name to, well, actually Hummel is perfect.

7. Texas – I’m rooting hard for junior Dogus Balbay this year. Not so much on the court but to try out for American Idol. I’d just love to hear what Randy Jackson could possibly come up with to call him.

8.California (2-0) – Cal is in this year’s Coaches vs. Cancer Tournament. It’s great that the coaches raise money to fight cancer given how many of them have had that disease afflict their colons. Wouldn’t it be nice if they could come up with some symbol like that pink paper ribbon for breast cancer? If only there was a paper product that could somehow be colored to symbolize the colon.

9.Duke – Andre Dawkins is departing high school early to start playing for the Blue Devils this season. Big deal. Louisville has two players with a similar accomplishment. Though their early departure wasn’t from high school, but from the Clark County, Indiana penal system.

10.Villanova – I originally thought that Villanova might be a bit overrated. Then I heard ESPN’s Andy Katz proclaim that the Wildcats are overrated. That confirmed it for me. Villanova is definitely underrated.

Most Underrated: LeMoyne - I received some flack this past week for not giving LeMoyne their due respect for beating SU and merely chiding the Orange for their ineptness. I, therefore, promise that if (& when) the Dolphins knock off my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies next month, I will definitely focus solely on the positives of LeMoyne.

Pre-Season Rankings & Irrelevant Comments

2009-11-06T03:52:00.000-08:00

2009-2010 college hoops season is here! Below is my first set of Hopefully Humorous Rankings & Irrelevant Comments. I’ll do my best to have a new installment up every Friday.

Pre-Season Top 10
1.Kansas – Lots of cupcakes for the Jayhawks this year – a bunch on their schedule and even more in Sherron Collins’ gut.

2.Kentucky - Speaking of guts, UK has a new “Coach Tubby” in John Calipari. Wonder how long it takes for him to get Kentucky to 16 Final 4 appearances. Yeah I know they already have 17, but Coach Cal has a way of making those disappear.

3.Michigan State – The main reason why the Spartans will have a great season may just lie with the talents of junior Mike Keebler. Not so much for his hoop skills, but because the team can’t make it through half time without downing a batch of his cookies. (At 6’ 4”, I’m pretty sure he was the inspiration for Will Ferrell’s character in Elf.)

4.North Carolina – This past summer Coach Williams was able to live out one of my ultimate fantasies – telling everyone, “I did it! Twins baby!” Though my fantasy has nothing to do with the signing of David and Travis Wear.

5.West Virginia – Freshman D. Kilicli is already feeling a tad homesick. Someone really should have told him that when he gets to West Virginia he can’t expect to have all the modern amenities that he had in his home in Turkey.

6.Duke – Duke has one guy who is 7’1” and 3 guys who are 6’ 10”. Wow. If they all stood on each other’s shoulders they would almost be able to reach the top of Coach K’s ego.

7.Texas – When Dexter Pittman arrived on campus he weighed a massive 366 lbs. He has amazingly dropped over 70 lbs. Not only has his game drastically improved, but the big positive is that people no longer mistake him for Bevo.

8. Mississippi State – The Bulldogs have 17 guys on their roster. That seems a tad stupid. They still need one more for an inter-squad game, of baseball.

9.Villanova – I don’t think I’m going to watch a single Villanova game this season. Don’t get me wrong, I love the team, but after 8 weeks of this year’s football season I don’t think I can handle hearing another announcer say, “Wildcat”.

10.Purdue – Last year while watching the Boilermakers play, my nephew points to the picture of a train on the court and says “Thomas!” I then look at my sister-in-law and say, “What the hell is he talking about?” All right, I didn’t say that, but she could tell I was thinking it. She then says, “Thomas the train. John you are going to have to teach Uncle Dave all about Thomas the train.” I looked back at my sister-in-law and said, “Why the hell do I give a crap about some train named Thomas?” All right, I didn’t say that, but amazingly she couldn’t tell I was thinking that. What I did say was, “Sure John, teach me all about Thomas the train, but first let me grab a beer and a shot and teach you all about a boilermaker.”

Most Overrated: Syracuse - This past week the Orange lost an exhibition game to Div II LeMoyne 82-79. I do give Boeheim some credit though. No not for the class he showed after the embarrassing loss. But for being smart enough to avoid further embarrassment and opting not to scrimmage Wellesley.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#19: One Sh!tty Moment

2009-04-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

After the championship game CBS once again showed a montage of clips from the Tourney set to the cheasiest song ever written – “One Shining Moment.” The lyrics are below.

For all of you who, like me, had their brackets destroyed well before the Tar Heels' victory, I have provided a slightly different set of lyrics. Interspersed within “One Shining Moment” are the words to my song – “One Sh!tty Moment”. Hope you enjoy.

"One Shining/Sh!tty Moment"

The ball is tipped
(Your brackets are ripped)
and there you are
(Worst year by far)
you're running for your life
(You’re looking for a knife)
you're a shooting star
(To kill ‘Nova’s star.)

And all the years
(All those fears)
no one knows
(Of Lawson’s toes)
just how hard you worked
(And the Sooners lurked)
but now it shows...
(Now you feel hosed)

 IN ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(In One Sh!tty Moment)
IT'S ALL ON THE LINE
(Marquette Crossed The line)
ONE SHINING MOMENT
(One Sh!tty Moment)
THERE FROZEN IN TIME
(Pitt - Ran Out Of Time)

But time is short
(Damn Zags went length of court)
and the road is long
(for another pick you got wrong)
in the blinking of an eye
(BC stinking- oh God why?!)
ah that moment's gone
(Wife then yells “Shut TV - tend to lawn.”)

And when it's done
(Hope it was fun)
win or lose
(picking Syracuse)
you always did your best
(You knew they had no rest)
cuz inside you knew
(Well, you got screwed) 

THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
(Siena’s Shots Went Wide)
ONE SHINING MOMENT
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE
(You Knew – Wake Took A Dive)

 Feel the beat of your heart
(There’s no beat of your heart)
feel the wind in your face
(There’s no blood in your face)
it's more than a contest
(Don’t look your greatest)
it's more than a race
(more like a corpse on Cold Case)

And when it's done
(Yup you’re done)
win or lose
(Go grab your booze)
you always did your best
(went 0 for the West)
cuz inside you knew
(Cuz Memphis blew)

THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(That One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED FOR THE SKY
(You Just Want To Cry)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU WERE WILLING TO TRY
(Worse - Than A Boeheim Sigh)

Take it easy till next year,
Dave

"FREE" POOL INFO -

The pot, made up of all my advertising profits and the donations, stands at $2,758.24

So:
1st place = $1,705.24
2 Winners of groups (other than the first place overall) - $326 each
“Wild Card” (person with highest score who did not win a group) - $326
Jimmy V Foundation = $75

WHO'S WHO AMONGST THOSE ALIVE AS OF THE FINALS

NORTH CAROLINA beats Michigan St.

1st Place - Linda Harkins (Group1A) - 147 - Linda was recruited by my St. Bona buddy Keith Mangas via her husband Richard Harkins. Richard is the proud recipient of this year's award as the person who had the most difficulty following the "Idiot Proof" instructions. Lucky for him his wife is a not only brilliant, but apparently a sage.

Group Winner - Tina Hurley (Group1) - 141 - Tina is married to the brother of my BC law buddy and former law partner Patrick Hurley. Should she finish in the $ she will officially make it 3 years of Hurleys to win bucks in this pool. Her husband claims that's a dynasty. He also claims he will get Tina to dress up as Linda Evans.

Group Winner - Tammy Bamrungsuk (GroupA) - 146 - Tammy is the girlfriend of another St. Bona bud, Johnny Cusanno. Johnny edited pretty much every one of my posts. So if you found any grammatical errors or sub-par jokes, they were all his fault.

Best of Rest - Robin Hughes (Group1A) - 144 - Robin teaches elementary school in Walpole Mass. with my wife. She's the one who last year convinced me to run a pool for the Woman's Tourney. I've need daily shots of testosterone since.

MICHIGAN STATE beats UNC
1st Place - Sara Barend (Group1) - 128 - A chick I met in a bar.

Best of Rest - Linda Harkins (Group1A) - 115 - A chick who I never met and who I hope doesn't mind being referred to as a chick.

Group winner - Tammy Bamrungsuk (GroupA) - 114 - A chick who, much like Linda, has already locked up $321.

Group Winner - Michael Camosico (Group1A) - 117 - Not a chick. At least I'm pretty sure of that. That makes Michael the only man still alive for $. If memory serves, Michael found my site due to a post that Keith Mangas placed on the St. Bonaventure Bandwagon website.

Others
Jeannie Basile & Marianna Toma - Two people who hate Keith Mangas. Were it not for Keith's recruiting and posting efforts, these two women would still have a shot at some dough.

Since North Carolina won:

CONGRATS TO:
1st Place - Linda Harkins (Group1A) - 147
Group Winner - Tina Hurley (Group1) - 141
Group Winner - Tammy Bamrungsuk (GroupA) - 146
Best of Rest - Robin Hughes (Group1A) - 144

Take it easy,
Dave

Dave's 6th Ridiculous 3 Pointer

2009-03-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

Below are 3 more random and hopefully humorous comments on the Tourney. Below that is info on the "FREE" pool.

1.HEADBANGER – During the game against SU, Oklahoma’s Blake Griffin slam dunked and, at the same time, slammed his head against the backboard. Big deal. I did that once. Except it wasn’t on a 10-foot hoop. It was a 7 feet. Oh, and my head didn’t exactly hit the backboard. It hit the net.

2.ENTERPRISE – I have now seen that commercial for Enterprise Car-Rental a hundred times. You know, the one where the woman is holding two teddies and says, “Red or black?” The guy slyly responds, “Both.” Both? Apparently one is for him.

So when you add in the Taco Bell’s cross-dressing spot, that makes two advertisements focusing on transvestites. I’d really prefer to see something that better appeals to my blue blooded American values – like some hot lesbian action.

3.WHO’S ON FIRST – Last night while watching the Tourney I was unwillingly forced to participate in an Abbot and Costello skit with my wife. Below is a excerpt:

Wife: Greg Gumble just said we’re going back to Vernon Raff. What happened?
Me: What do you mean. Vern and Raff are right there.
Wife: Where? I don’t see him.
Me: Who?
Wife: Vernon Raff.
Me: I told you Vern and Raff are right there.
Wife: Why wont you just tell me where he is?
Me; He who?!! And don’t say . . .
Wife & Me (simultaneously): Vernon/Vern and Raff
Me: They are right there!!
Wife: Can’t you be nicer? Maybe next game let me know who’s Clark and who’s Kellogg.

"FREE" POOL INFO -

As of now the pot, made up of all my advertising profits and the donations, stands at $2,713.24

So, at this point –
1st place = $1,700.24
2 Winners of groups (other than the first place overall) - $321 each
“Wild Card” (person with highest score who did not win a group) - $321
Jimmy V Foundation = $50

If you have not donated yet, you can still do so via the Paypal link above. If any more $ comes in (and more is expected) I’ll continue to adjust the breakdown accordingly.

THE 8 POSSIBLE SCENARIOS

UCONN beats UNC
1st place - Sara Barend (Group1) - 176
Group winner - Scott DeTraglia (GroupA)- 155
Group Winner - Michale Camoscio (Group1A)- 159
Best of Rest - Erica Laird (Group1) - 159

UCONN beats Vill
1st place - William Sullivan (Group1A) - 166
Group Winner - Sara Barend (Group1) - 160
Group Wunner - Scott DeTraglia (GroupA) - 139
Best Of Rest - Craig Teal (Group1) - 152

NORTH CAROLINA beats Uconn
1st Place - Tammy Bamrungsuk (GroupA)- 162
Group Winner - Rick Heatquist (Group1) - 156
Group Winner - Robin Hughes (Group1A) - 160
Best Of Rest - Marianna Toma (Group1A) - 158

NORTH CAROLINA beats Michigan St.
1st Place - Linda Harkins (Group1A) - 147
Group Winner - Tina Hurley (Group1) - 141
Group Winner - Tammy Bamrungsuk (GroupA) - 146
Best of Rest - Robin Hughes (Group1A) - 144

VILLANOVA beats Michigan State
1st Place - Mike Lawrence (Group1) - 128
Group Winner - Amanda DiFiore (Group1A) - 123
Group Winner - Darin Schmidt (GroupA) - 103
Best Of Rest - Nora Broseau (Group1) - 118

VILLANOVA beats UConn
1st Place - Mike Lawrence (Group1) - 144
Group Winner - Tammy Bamrungsuk (GroupA) - 114
Group Winner - Amanda DiFiore (Group1A) - 139
Best of Rest (tie)- Nora Brssseau (Group1) - 134
Best of Rest (tie) - Bill Sullivan (Group1A) - 134

MICHIGAN STATE beats UNC
1st Place - Sara Barend (Group1) - 128
Group winner - Tammy Bamrungsuk (GroupA) - 114
Group Winner - Michael Camosico (Group1A) - 117
Best of Rest - Linda Harkins (Group1A) - 115

MICHIGAN STATE beats Villanova
1st Place - Bill Sullivan (Group1A) - 118
Group Winner - Jeannie Basile (Group1) - 113
Group Winner - Darin Schmidt (GroupA) - 103
Best of Rest - Sara Barend (Group1) - 112

PLEASE let me know if you find a mistake or have any questions with the above.

Take it easy,
Dave

Dave's 5th Ridiculous 3 Pointer

2009-03-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

Below are 3 more random and hopefully humorous comments on the Tourney. Below that is info on the "FREE" pool.

1.MEMPHIS STINKS – Yup, I had the Tigers winning it all and I’m officially eliminated from winning my pool. No joke here, just my pain. Sadly my pain is extremely humorous to most of my friends.

2.SCARY MOVIES – So I’m watching the games with my 6-year old and a commercial comes on for the movie “The Haunting in Connecticut.” Maybe I’m getting a tad conservative in my old age, but I’m not sure my little one needed to see that kid puking demons. Can’t they show something a bit more ”family friendly” - like shots of the scantily clad cheerleaders?

3.BINGHAMTON – Last week’s column was a letter to Binghamton Coach Kevin Broadus. He actually checked it out and emailed me with a “LOL”. You know what that means. Broadus is a really nice guy? No. I've discoverd a sure fire way to increase the hits on this site - just write letters to the other 342 coaches.

“FREE” NCAA POOL INFO

STANDINGS:
Top 2 in each group after Round 3/Day2 by Winner (Group name/champ-runner up-rest of final 4)

LOUSIVILLE
1.Dave Ison (Group1A/Louis-UNC-Vill-Memphis) - 79
1.Bruce Nickles (GroupA/LOUIS-Unc-Uconn-Pitt) - 79
1.Joe Carbone (GroupA/LOUIS-UNC-Pitt-Memphis) - 79
4.Tom Scanlan (Group1 Louis-NC-Missouir - Pitt) - 78
5.Tony Schwagerl (Group1/Louis - Pitt-Conn - Okla) - 77
6.Jeff Wald (Group1A/(Louis-NC-Conn-Pitt) - 74

UCONN
1.Sara Barend (Group1/UCONN- UNC-Mich.St.- Vill) - 80
2.Mark Loncar (Group1A/Conn-okla-Louis-Vlll) - 78
3.Michael Camosico (Conn-NC-MichSt.-Pitt) - 77
4.John Cusanno (GroupA/Conn-NC-Luis-Pitt) - 74
5.Craig Teal (Group1/ Conn-UNC-Louis-Pitt) - 74
6.Molly McQueen (GroupA/UCONN-UNC-Pitt- WF) - 68

NORTH CAROLINA
1.Robin Hughes (Group1A/(UNC-Uconn-Louis-Pitt) - 80
2.Tina Hurley (Group1/UNC-Louis-Pitt-UConn)-77
2.Jean Orjeula (Group1A/UNC-Louis-Memphis - Villanova) - 77
4.Ernie Barton (GroupA/UNC-Memphis-Louis-Pitt) - 76
5.Dennis Thorne (Group1/NC-Louis-Conn-Pitt) - 76
6.John Krotzer (GroupA/ NC-Louis- Conn-Pitt) - 74

PITTSBURGH
1.Tara Kenyon (GroupA/PITT-Louis-Uconn-UNC) - 81
2.Eileen Meskill (Group 1A/Pitt-Louis-Memp-NC) - 76
3.Keith Mangas (Group1A/Pitt-Louis-Conn-Nc) - 74
4.Brendan Moynihan (Group1/Pitt-Louis-Conn-UNC) - 72
4.Jason Shelly (GroupA/Pitt-Louis-Memp-Okla0 - 72
4.Ken Capprell (Group1/PITT-UConn-Louis-SU) - 72

OKLAHOMA
1.Jennifer Maiona (Group1/OKLA-Lois-Pitt - Missouri) - 82
2.Wing Wong (GroupA/Okla-Conn-Mst-pitt) - 77
3.Trent Mitchell - (Group1-Okla-Louis-Conn-Pitt) - 74
4.Kevin Laha - (Group1A/ Okla-Louis-Pitt-memp) - 63
(Only people with Oklahoma winning it all)

VILLANOVA
1.Mike Lawrence (Group1/Vill-Conn-Louis-Okla) - 64
2.Amanda DiFiore (Group1A/Vill/Conn-KU-Su) - 59
3.Nora Brosseau (Group1/Vill-Conn-Louis- Ill) -54
(Only people with Villanova)

MICHIGAN STATE
1.Jeannie Basile (Group1/Mst-Pitt-Memp-Okla) - 57
(nobody else has Mich St.)

MISSOURI
Nobody has Missourt winning it all.

There are 58 entries in each group. I’m “in” all 3, but I only submitted picks in Group1.

If you want any additional info about anyone’s picks who is not in your group, just email me.

As of now the pot, made up of all my advertising profits and donations, stands at $2,643.24

So, at this point –
1st place = $1,672
2 Winners of groups (other than the first place overall) - $307.08 each
“Wild Card” (person with highest score who did not win a group) - $307.08
Jimmy V Foundation = $50

If you have not donated yet, you can still do so via the Paypal link above. If any more $ comes in I’ll continue to adjust the breakdown accordingly.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant 18: Letter to Binghamton Coach Broadus

2009-03-25T18:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Binghamton Bearcats Coach Kevin Broadus,

Congratulations on a fantastic season. Everyone was rooting for your Bearcats to upset Duke. Well, except there’s this friend of a friend of a friend named Big Louie who knows “a guy”. He was all too happy to collect my money after the loss.

Now it’s time to recruit for next season and I'd like to help. You should take a look at this Rochester all-star who received an offer from my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies. He turned them down and joined the Army. Rumor has it that while touring the campus he looked at the women and thought, “Yikes. I might as well be in the Army.”

After his stint, he played JuCo ball then transferred to the University of Buffalo. All signs pointed to that being his break out year. The signs were off a bit. He didn’t break out. He broke his leg.

He then finished two years of courses in 2 semesters, graduated, and moved to – brace yourself- Binghamton. That’s right this guy’s in your backyard. And he’s been there for a while. A long while. See, he’s 70 years old. Actually, on Monday he’ll be 71. He’s also my dad.

His name is Harold Barend. People call him “Golden Balls”. And by “people” I mean himself and his urologist.

You can feel free to call him whatever you want. But I’d suggest you call him soon. Tomorrow I’m sending a similar letter to Boeheim.

Here’s how he can help:

Foul Shooting – Though your squad had a stellar season, its free throw shooting was a mere 66%. Add my dad and that goes up substantially. His personal best is 19 in a row. Nothing to brag about? Let me clarify. That’s 19 in a row - with his eyes closed. Yeah, my dad was “money” before Vince Vaughn was sperm.

3-Point Shooting – Michael Jordan once said that if there was one person whom he would want to take a shot with the game on the line it would be Steve Kerr. Michael Jordan never met my dad.

I remember a game of 2 on 2 - me and my dad versus a guy named Kurt and his brother. Kurt was that rare person who was both a dick and an ass.

Game was up to 7 with winners’ outs. Dad drained 6 in a row behind the line. I did my part by grabbing 6 rebounds. Well, that’s if you consider a rebound catching the ball as it goes through the net.

Dick-ass and his brother then decided to double-team my dad. A move that they might have wanted to consider about 4 points earlier. Dad makes a bounce pass through the legs of Dick-ass. But the ball connected with a couple of other balls – those belonging to Dick-ass. With all 3 balls in his hands, he said, “You’re done now!” That would have come off a lot tougher if he didn’t sound like Michael Jackson.

Dad grabbed the ball right out of the hands of Dick-ass. He threw it, no, not to me, but directly at the forehead of the brother. Ball bounces right back to dad as bro is staggered. (Just to be clear, the ball my dad grabbed was the non-swollen one.)

Then the pass comes to me. Easy lay-up. Which I missed. I managed to grab the rebound and promptly threw it, no, not in the hoop, but back to my dad who drained another 20 footer. I guess that final play proves that although I may have none of my dad’s athletic ability, I did inherit something from him - intelligence.

Hook Shots – That’s right, the old man still shoots the hook. Question; Who the hell throws the hook shot any more? Answer: That’s a stupid question. Better Question: Who the hell can defend a hook shot any more? Answer: Pretty much nobody. It’s essentially indefensible. I’m not sure, but I’d say being unstoppable would make one a pretty good offensive weapon.

Impeccable Defense – In the hundreds of games of basketball I’ve played with my dad, he’s never committed a foul. Just ask him. Somehow he manages to avoid fouling while simultaneously causing his opponents black eyes, bloody noses and severe groin pain.

I recall one time he “charged” into me so hard that he knocked me off the driveway, and onto our fence. Lucky for me, the fence was not “picket” style. After coming to, I grabbed the ball – and just tossed it to him. Obvious blocking foul on me.

A buddy of mine was once convinced that my dad had fouled him. He had pretty strong evidence too - in my dad’s hand was a piece of his shirt. The call - foul on my friend for throwing a moving pick. “If you weren’t moving I wouldn’t have ripped your shirt.” You just can’t argue with that logic.

Toughness – You don’t get much tougher than a cancer survivor and my dad kicked that disease’s butt. Somewhat appropriate given that it tried to nip him in the prostate. He also claims that he beat Anthrax. Yeah, there’s not really any medical proof of that. And, honestly, my sisters and I would prefer he keep that alleged conquest to himself.

Now, if this story about a guy in his 70s trying to play college ball seems familiar then you might be thinking of Ken Mink. This past year he was on the team at Roane State Junior College – until he flunked out. That’s not going to happen with Golden Balls. We’re talking about a guy who spends an hour a day memorizing the dictionary. No, he’s not one of those dorks who does that just to act pretentious. He does it to better his game – his Scrabble game. Yeah, he’s one of “those” dorks.

But say you’re on the bus cruising down beautiful Route 88 after a battle with Albany. While kicking back trying to finish a crossword, you’re stuck trying to come up with a six-letter word for the wool of the underbelly of an ox. I’m guessing your average 19 year old will be of no help. Pose that question to my dad and in a heartbeat he’ll give you, “qiviut.” Up his per-diem and he’ll give you the etymology as well.

Here’s some other positives about having my dad on your team:

1.No Drug Issues – Well, unless you count Viagra. I’m not sure if that counts as a performance enhancing drug.

2.No Over Sleeping – He’s 71. He’s up at 4am like the rest of Geritol Nation.

3.No Incessant Texting – My dad has not quite mastered texting. Heck, he still hasn’t figured out that you can talk into a cell phone without moving it down from your ear to your mouth.

4.No Mouth Guard Expense – Once again, he’s 71. Though your budget for Fix-A-Dent may go up a bit.

While you hopefully have found this entertaining, I’m guessing you’re thinking, “Come on, can your dad really still play?” Well he has a drawer full of medals and awards from the World Senior Games and the Senior Olympics. A couple years ago he won a silver at the Empire State Games. The team photo shows 6 guys smiling and 1 with a big puss – my dad. “No Gold. No Glory.”

But we’re talking Div1 here not the AARP league. No chance he can compete, right? Maybe. But all I’m asking is you see for yourself. Have him over for a little one on one against your 12th man. Oh, and if you could contact me before it starts I’d really appreciate it. I’d like to call that friend of a friend of a friend so I can win my $ back from the Duke game.

Take it easy,
Dave Barend

Postscript -
Yes, I actually did send this to Coach Broadus. I’m hoping you will further encourage him to give my dad a tryout by dropping him a line at kbroadus@binghamton.edu. Just say something like “Let Golden Balls play.” Or, if you’d just like to wish my dad a happy birthday you can do so at haroldbarend@yahoo.com.

Happy #71 Dad.

Take it easy,
Dave

“FREE” NCAA POOL INFO

Combined Standings after Round 3/Day1 (Group name/champ-runner up-rest of final 4)

1.Ernie Barton (GroupA/UNC-Memphis-Louis-Pitt) - 68
2.Jack Mangas (Group1A/UCONN-UNC-Louis-Duke) – 66
2.Jennifer Maiona (Group1/OKLA-Lois-Pitt - Missouri) - 66
4.Tina Hurley (Group1/UNC-Louis-Pitt-UConn)-65
4.Tara Kenyon (GroupA/PITT-Louis-Uconn-UNC) - 65
4.Jean Orjeula (Group1A/UNC-Louis-Memphis - Villanova) - 65
7.Sara Barend(Group1/UCONN- UNC-Mich.St.- Vill) - 64
7.Molly McQueen (GroupA/UCONN-UNC-Pitt- WF) - 64
7.Ken Capprell (Group1/PITT-UConn-Louis-SU) - 64
7.Dan Simonds (GroupA/SU-Louis-UConn - Pitt) - 64
7.Robin Hughes (Group1A/(UNC-Uconn-Louis-Pitt) - 64
12.Sally "Dave's Mom" Thorne (Group1/LOUIS-Okl-Memp-Vill) - 63
12.Bruce Nickles (GroupA/LOUIS-Unc-Uconn-Pitt) - 63
12.Joe Carbone (GroupA/LOUIS-UNC-Pitt-Memphis) - 63
12.Dave Ison (Group1A/Louis-UNC-Vill-Memphis) - 63

There are 58 entries in each group. I’m “in” all 3, but I only submitted picks in Group1.

If you want any additional info about anyone’s picks who is not in your group, just email me.

As of now the pot, made up of all my advertising profits and donations, stands at $2,550

So, at this point –
1st place = $1,600
2 Winners of groups (other than the first place overall) - $300 each
“Wild Card” (person with highest score who did not win a group) - $300
Jimmy V Foundation = $50

If you have not donated yet, you can still do so via the Paypal link above. If any more $ comes in I’ll continue to adjust the breakdown accordingly.

Take it easy,
Dave

Dave's 4th Ridiculous 3 Pointer

2009-03-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

Below are 3 more random and hopefully humorous comments on the Tourney. Below that is info on the "FREE" pool.

1.MEMPHIS – I have the Tigers winning it all. So, yeah, I was on the verge of a coronary when they were down by 6 in the opener. I looked so bad that my wife had actually hit the “9” and a “1”.

Just to be clear, my wife wasn’t calling for an ambulance. She was entering the first two numbers of the password to access my life insurance policy.

2.TEXAS – Late in the game against Duke and down by 2, Texas missed a wide-open shot. The announcer then said, “You couldn’t ask for anything more.” I wonder if the Texas fans would agree with that statement.

3.IRRELEVANCE – I flicked on ESPN and saw it was showing the NIT. Could there possibly be anything more irrelevant than the NIT? Answer: Yes – the Women’s NIT.

FREE POOL INFO

As of now the pot, made up of all my advertising profits and donations, stands at $2,239.67.

So, at this point –
1st place = $1,470
2 Winners of groups (other than the first place overall) - $239.89 each
“Wild Card” (best of the rest) - $239.89
Jimmy V Foundation = $50

If you have not donated yet, you can still do so via the Paypal link above. There are at least 10 people who are “definitely going to donate” or have said, “the check is in the mail”. If any more $ comes in I’ll continue to adjust the breakdown accordingly.

Combined Standings after day 4 (Group name/champ-runner up-rest of final 4)

1.Ernie Barton (GroupA/UNC-Memphis-Louis-Pitt) - 56
2.Joseph Scancella (GroupA/Duke-Memphis-Louis-Okla) – 54
2.John Harvey (GroupA/Pitt-Memphis-Louis-SU) - 54
2.John(Vestal)Ward (GroupA/Louis-Pitt-Memphis-UNC) - 54
2.Jack Mangas (Group1A/UConn-UNC-Louis-Duke) – 54
2.Dave”Shat”Diprosa (Group1A/UNC-UConn-Louis-Pitt) – 54
7.Tina Hurley (Group1/UNC-Louis-Pitt-UConn)-53
(There are a number of others with 53 – but Tina sits atop Group 1)

Other Non-Notables(Group-Champ-runner up-rest of final4)
A. Samara Barend (GroupA/Memphis-SU-Xavier- Louisville) - 49
B. Dave Barend (Group1/Memphis-Oklahoma-Louisville-Pitt) - 48

There are 58 entries in each group. I’m “in” all 3, but I only submitted picks in Group1.

If you want any additional info about anyone’s picks who is not in your group, just email me.

Take it easy,
Dave

Dave's 3rd Ridiculous 3 Pointer

2009-03-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

Below are 3 more random and hopefully humorous comments on the Tourney. Below that is info on the "FREE" pool.

1.TOO MUCH TOURNEY– I think it may be time to let my kids watch a little something other than the Tourney. Yesterday I caught my oldest daughter hitting my youngest in the head with a Barbie doll. She then looked at me and said, “Come on Dad, that was just a nickel-dimer.”

2.YOUR NON-WORK – I just read a report that “March Madness” will cause a decrease in workplace productivity estimated at $2 billion. I’m not economics expert, but I’m guessing that now probably is not the best timing for an anti-stimulus package.

3.VCU – Here’s the positive about VCU being knocked out: Larry Sanders will not make another basket. And we, in turn, will no longer have to hear to the announcers say “Hey Now!”

If you’d like to take a “shot” about anything dealing with the Tourney, just email me your submission to davebarend@yahoo.com and I’ll have it up with my next post.

FREE POOL INFO

As of now the pot, made up of all my advertising profits and donations, stands at $2,229.67.

So, at this point –
1st place = $1,466
2 Winners of groups (other than the first place overall) - $237.89 each
“Wild Card” (best of the rest) - $237.89
Jimmy V Foundation = $50

If you have not donated yet, you can still do so via the Paypal link above. There are at least 10 people who are “definitely going to donate” or have said, “the check is in the mail”. If any more $ comes in I’ll continue to adjust the breakdown accordingly.

Combined Standings after day 3 (Group name/champ-runner up-rest of final 4)

1.Ernie Barton (GroupA/UNC-Memphis—Louis-Pitt) - 42
1.Joseph Scancella (GroupA/Duke-Memphis-Louis-Okla) - 42
1.Jack Mangas (Group1A/UConn-UNC-Louis-Duke) – 42
1.Dave”Shat”Diprosa (Group1A/UNC-UConn-Louis-Pitt) – 42
5.Jillian Barend (Group1/Pitt-Louis-UConn-UNC) – 41
5.JD Heartquist (Group1/Duke-KU-Marq-Gonzaga) – 41
5.Jim Richens (Group1/Memphis-Pitt-Lousi-SU) – 41
5. Bob Scancella (GroupA/Duke-Memphis-WF-Louis) - 41
5.Michael Camoscio (Group 1A/UConn-UNC-Mich.St.-Pitt) – 41

Other Non-Notables(Group-Champ-runner up-rest of final4)
A. Samara Barend (GroupA/Memphis-SU-Xavier- Louisville) - 38
B. Dave Barend (Group1/Memphis-Oklahoma-Louisville-Pitt) - 37

There are 58 active entries in each group. I’m “in” all 3, but I only submitted picks in Group1.

If you want any additional info about anyone’s picks who is not in your group, just email me.

Take it easy,
Dave

Dave's 2nd Ridiculous 3 Pointer

2009-03-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

Below are 3 more random and hopefully humorous comments on the Tourney. Below that is info on the "FREE" pool.

1.SPORTS ILLUSTRATED – SI’s NCAA Tourney preview was full of helpful info. It had helpful foul shooting stats and other helpful tips on making picks. You know what would have been even more helpful? If my copy had arrived before the games started.

2.AKRON – During the Gonzaga-Akron game, the ‘Zags went on a 24-4 run. The announcer then provided the following insight, “Akron’s problem is they haven’t been able to score.” Rumor has it, that announcer is also a coroner and reaches conclusions like, “This guy’s problem is he’s not able to breathe.”

3. TACO BELL – Not sure what the advertising geniuses behind that Taco Bell commercial were thinking. Here’s my guess: “Let’s put a guy in drag and stick a bunch of our nachos under his dress. We will thereby accomplish the impossible - make our food actually seem even more disgusting.”

If you’d like to take a “shot” about anything dealing with the Tourney, just email me your submission to davebarend@yahoo.com and I’ll have it up with my next post.

FREE POOL INFO
As of now the pot, made up of all my advertising profits and donations, stands at $2,169.67.

So, at this point –
1st place = $1,430
2 Winners of groups (other than the first place overall) - $229.89 each
“Wild Card” (best of the rest) - $229.89
Jimmy V Foundation = $50

If you have not donated yet, you can still do so via the Paypal link above. There are at least 10 people who are “definitely going to donate” or have said, “the check is in the mail”. If any more $ comes in I’ll adjust the breakdown accordingly.

Combined Standings - After Day 2 (Group name/champion)
1.Scott DeTraglia (GroupA/UConn) - 27
1.Bob Scancella (GroupA/Duke) - 27
1.Michael Camoscio (Group 1A/UConn) – 27
1.Linda Harkins (Group1A/UNC) – 27
5.Sam Manfer (Group1/UNC) – 26
5.Katie Maiona (Group1/Pitt) - 26
5.Ernie Barton (GroupA/UNC) - 26
5.Anoj James (GroupA/Louisville) – 26
5.Joseph Scancella (GroupA/Duke) - 26
5.Jack Mangas (Group1A/UConn) – 26
5.Dave”Shat”Diprosa (Group1A/UNC) – 26

Other Non-Notables(Group-Champ-runner up-rest of final4)
A. Samara Barend (GroupA/Memphis-SU-Xavier- Louisville) - 24
B. Dave Barend (Group1/Memphis-Oklahoma-Louisville-Pitt) - 21

There are 58 active entries in each group. I’m “in” all 3, but I only submitted picks in Group1.

If you want any additional info about anyone’s picks who is not in your group, just email me.

Take it easy,
Dave

Dave's 1st Ridiculous 3 Pointer

2009-03-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

Below are 3 random and hopefully humorous comments on the Tourney. Below that is info on the "FREE" pool.

1. HOOPS ON TV - I think I’m forcing my wife to watch too much basketball. Yesterday, she said she was going out to pick up a pizza. She came back with a grocery bag then pulled out a box and said, “Surprise, It’s not delivery it’s DiGiorno.”

Of all the commercials airing during the games, why did she remember that one? I assure you that I would have been much more surprised if she showed up with a waitress from Hooters.

2. BRACKETS - I spent about 2 days just staring at an empty set of brackets. I couldn’t help myself. The symmetry was simply mesmerizing. Serene even. Kind of like Monet’s Water Lilies. Except one’s a world famous work of art and the other was ripped out of a USA Today.

3.NCAA POOL - If I come in first place in my NCAA pool I could win $1,400. You know what I'm thinking. That’s 14 Fatheads.

And One –
Bruce Nickles: The “FREE” NCAA Pool - Thank God I gave to Church of Barend. 2 Corinthians 9:7 “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”

If you’d like to take a “shot” about anything dealing with the Tourney, just email me your submission to davebarend@yahoo.com and I’ll have it up with my next post.

FREE POOL INFO
As of now the pot, made up of all my advertising profits and donations, stands at $2,144.67.

So, at least at this point –
1st place = $1,420
2 Winners of groups (other than the first place overall) - $224.89 each
“Wild Card” (best of the rest) - $224.89
Jimmy V Foundation = $50

If you have not donated yet, you can still d so via the Paypal link above. There are at least 10 people who are “definitely going to donate” or have said, “the check is in the mail”. If any more $ comes in I’ll adjust the breakdown accordingly.

Combined Standings (Group name/champion)
1.Mike Gleeson (Group1/Pitt) 15
2.Bob Scancella (GroupA/Duke) 15
3.Wing Wong (Group A/Oklahoma) 15
4.Michael Camoscio (Group 1A/UConn) - 15
5.Brian Sprague (Group1A/Louisville) - 15
6.Jack Mangas (Group1A/UConn) – 15
7.James Stallone (Group1A/UConn) – 15
8.Suzanne Hinckley (Group1A/Louisville) – 15

Other Non-Notables(Group-Champ-runner up-rest of final4)
A. Samara Barend (GroupA/Memphis-SU-Xavier- Louisville) - 11
B. Dave Barend (Group1/Memphis-Oklahoma-Louisville-Pitt) - 14

There are 58 active entries in each group. I’m “in” all 3, but I only submitted picks in Group1. Someone else also entered, but made no picks in Group1A

If you want any additional info about anyone’s picks who is not in your group, just email me.

Take it easy,
Dave

The Idiot’s Guide To Joining My Free NCAA Pool

2009-03-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Sometime this week you are going to be approached by the office sports dork. You know, the guy who associates fantasy with football instead of Jessica Alba. He will attempt to sway you to join his NCAA pool. Well, first he’s going to bump into the water cooler and spill his huge stack of brackets. While he’s lying on the floor, you just have to say, “Sorry dude, I’m already in a pool.” If you want to be nice you could also inform him that his forehead seems to be covered with soaked pieces of the West Region.

This will likely place the sports dork on the verge of shock. He’ll still manage to utter, “How? The pairings just came out Sunday.” You say, “There’s this nut case who’s been recruiting people for his pool since November. He actually set up a web site and wrote 2 columns a week just to try to increase the number of people in the pool.” He says, “That’s insane”. You say, “Oh, you know Dave Barend?”

Confused but undeterred, the sports dork counters with, “My pool’s only $10 and the pot is up to $500.” You say, “Dave Barend’s pool is free and his pot is up to $1100. At this point you will be in the presence of a stuttering sports dork. “But, uh, wha, er, huh?” You stop his stammering by informing him that the pot for my pool is made up of all of my advertising profits plus donations from many of the entrants. The dejected sports dork drops his head, wipes away a tear and asks, “How am I supposed to compete with that?” Answer: “You can’t.”

Idiot Proof Instructions For My FREE Pool –

If anyone wants to set up a separate pool to bet on how many people mess up these instructions, count me in.

(1) Send me an email at davebarend@yahoo.com - Just say you want to join the pool and include your full name. In the subject line write something about the NCAA Tourney so I know it’s not a virus or another request for dough from a Nigerian Prince. I truly think I’ve given that guy enough.

(2) Consider adding $ to the Pot – Yes it’s a “free” pool, but it turns out that some folks are using a definition of “free” that I did not intend. My hope was that everyone would think of “free” the same way as how going to church is “free”. There’s no cover charge to get in. But there is a collection.

And that basket eventually comes around to you. And the person sitting to your right has thrown in a $20. And the family to your left has six kids holding envelopes stuffed with their allowances. And you just know the usher is looking at you thinking, “Don’t be a cheap bastard.” Yeah, that’s the “free” I’m talking about – the type that comes with a chunk of guilt and a major dosage of peer pressure.

So, should you feel compelled to donate, just scroll up to the top of this page and right above Gabe Kaplan you’ll find a PayPal link. Click on that to contribute via any credit card. Every dime is going to the pot. Well, every dime except the 2.9% + 30 cents that Paypal takes from each donation.

(3) Receive an Email from Me - This will contain your password and group id # to log into your Yahoo site. I sincerely pray that this year everyone is smart enough to realize that they should not give the password & id# to anyone else. Last year there were two idiots who decided to forward that info to all their friends. Please don’t be that idiot. To say that caused me a bit of a hassle would be like saying that AIG caused a bit of a hassle for the economy.

If you have friends or family who want to join that’s great. All they have to do is email me first. However, I’ve set up 3 different groups on Yahoo for this pool. And I’m trying to put the same number of people in each group. So, I can’t guarantee that the people you invite will all be in your group. But I will perpetually post the leader board on this site. Not being in the same group as your friends does come with a big positive: you can lie about your score.

(4) Go to Yahoo.com
(5) Click on the category "Sports" (towards bottom of left column)
(6) Click on Fantasy (all the way to the right and in red near the top)
(7) Click on "Tourney Pick'em '09" (at least 3 links on that page)
(8) Click on “Join a Group” (Not “create a group”)
(9) Click on “Join Group” (different screen from step 8)

(10) Enter your own personal Yahoo ID and Yahoo password on right side from your own personal Yahoo account. Note that these are NOT the same as the ones that I emailed you for this pool. COMMON MISTAKE – is entering the info I emailed you here. Try not to make that mistake.
(10a) If you do not have your own personal Yahoo account click on "Sign Up" under "Don't have a Yahoo! ID?" Otherwise, go to step (11).
(10b)Enter the requested personal info (name & your creation of an id and password, & code) on the page.
(10c) Write down your personal id and password then click on "agree" to the terms then click on “create my account”.
(10d) Click on “continue” to Yahoo Sports on right side of page.

(11) Enter your group id# and your password that I emailed to you. (Not your personal id and password.) Click on “save and continue”.
(12) Enter your actual full name as your "bracket name". Please NO NICKNAMES!! They make it so hard for me to figure out who is who. Even if you think I know your nickname just enter your actual name. If you must add some additional nickname - go ahead, but your full name must be in there. So let’s say you are Harold Barend and you feel it is extremely important that people know you as Golden Balls, then your entry should be something akin to Harold”GoldenBalls”Barend. I will delete entries that do not comply.
(13) Click on the box next to “Terms of Service”
(14) Determine whether you want to enter Yahoo's contest for $5mil - if so, enter the requested info and accept terms. If you don’t need the $5,000,000 then I’d say you probably could afford to donate a few bucks to the pot.
(15) Hit submit (lower left corner) – You are now in your group.

(16) “I don’t see my name!!” - Your name might not appear because the initial screen only shows 10 entrants. Click on standings. Ahh – there’s your name. Now click on your name. The Midwest region appears. Click on the the team you want to win each game of the first 4 rounds. Then click on Save and Continue. Do the same for the next 3 regions and then for the final 4.

(17) Make sure you Save your Picks – Last year not one, but two people failed to do so. Both actually wanted me to allow them to enter their picks after the games had been played. That reminded me of an episode of Cheers where Sam thought he was doing Woody a favor by not placing a ridiculous sports bet, but the long shot won. Sam then had the following conversation with Diane.

Diane: So, why don't you go to the... 
Sam: Bookie. 
Diane: ...bookie and tell him that you honestly intended to wager on the winning teams and see if he won't give you the money. 
Sam: That's a good idea. While I'm at it why don't I just tell him that I meant to bet on all the winning teams since 1975?

If you just save your picks then we don’t have to have that same conversation.

Rules for the pool:
1.Basic Bracket Format – You get one point for every game you correctly pick in the first round. The points then double each round after each round.

2.Winnings – The person who comes in first place overall will get about 70-75% of the pot. The people who come in first in their groups, but don’t come in first overall will get about 8-10% of the pot. The final 8-10% will be the ”wild card prize” given to the person with the next best score, i.e. – the person with the best score who didn’t come in first in any of the 3 groups.

3.Tie Breakers – The score of the final game will NOT serve as tiebreaker for our pool. If there is a tie the pot is simply split. Should there be a tie for first overall between two or more people who happen to be in the same group – they will split the total for first place plus the $ allotted for the wild card prize. If there is a tie for first overall between two people from different groups, they will split the total of the first place prize, the separate group prize and the wild card prize. If the winners of all 3 groups tie for first overall the whole pot will be split between them.

4.Jimmy V Foundation – Every year I like to take a small portion of the pot and donate it to the Jimmy V. Foundation for Cancer Research. If the pot hits $1,525, I’ll put $25 to Jimmy V. If it goes over $2,050 then I’ll bump that to $50.

*If you don't make your picks before tip off at noon on Thursday, March 19th - you are out - but your $ stays in.

If you need help - and I know some of you will - feel free to email me.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 14)

2009-03-12T03:27:00.000-07:00

Below is my final set of Rankings & Irrelevant Comments followed by some Other Opinions and then, most importantly, info on how to join my FREE pool for the NCAA Tourney. Oh, and the “FREE” part isn’t a joke.

1. NORTH CAROLINA (27-3)
Best wins: Michigan State, Notre Dame, Clemson, at Duke
Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest, at Maryland

My Irrelevant Comment:
When Tyler Hansbrough jumps and grabs a rebound he kicks one of his legs out. First time I saw it I thought he was doing that yoga move – Upward Peeing Dog.

2. PITT (28-3)
Best wins: at Florida State, Syracuse, ND, WV, at UConn
Loss: at Louisville, at Villanova, at PC

My Irrelevant Comment:
A lot of people are thinking of picking Pitt to win it all. I wouldn’t be so sure. Why? ‘Cause I’m thinking of picking Pitt to win it all.

3. MEMPHIS (28-3)
Best wins: at Gonzaga, Cincinnati, Tennessee
Losses: Xavier, Georgetown, SU

My Irrelevant Comment
Though Memphis is ranked #3 is both polls, Dick Vitale has proclaimed them unworthy of any of the four number 1 seeds. If Vitale had his way, the 4 1-seeds would be: Duke, Duke, Duke & Duke.

4. UCONN (27-3)
Best Wins: Miami, at Gonzaga, West Virginia, Villanova, at Louisville, SU
Losses: Georgetown, Pitt, at Pitt

My Irrelevant Comment:
Seems like every time A.J. Price scores, the announcers feel compelled to say “The Price Is Right!” It’d be nice if they mixed it up a bit and occasionally yelled, “Plinko!”

5. LOUISVILLE (25-5)
Best Wins: at Villanova, Kentucky, Pitt, ND, at SU
Losses: Western Kentucky, UNLV, Minnesota, at ND, UConn

My Irrelevant Comment:
In a game last week, Earl Clark scored 12 points. Well, 2 of Clark’s points were for the wrong team. Yeah, he’s been taking some ribbing. His teammates are now calling him “Dick.” Not ‘cause he’s a jerk. Because he’s about as coherent as Mr. “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.”

6. MICHIGAN STATE (25-5)
Bet wins, Texas, Minn., KU, Ohio St., Michigan
Losses: Maryland, UNC, Northwestern, Penn St., at Purdue

My Irrelevant Comment:
It’s now tradition at Michigan State for the seniors to kiss center court at the end of their last game. I’d say they might want to think about changing that tradition. And instead of kissing the filthy floor they should kiss, oh I don’t know, say maybe – the babes with the pom-poms.

7. DUKE (25-6)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Georgetown, Wake Forest
Losses: at Michigan, at Wake Forest, at Clemson, UNC, at BC, at UNC

My Irrelevant Comment:
ESPN kept showing a replay of Coach K and Referee Jamie Lucas knocking heads during Sunday’s game. I guess the producers thought America should see what middle age would look like for conjoined twins.

8. OKLAHOMA (27-4)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas
Loss: at Arkansas, at Texas, KU, at Missouri

My Irrelevant Comment:
When you hear the last name “Griffin”, what first name comes to mind? If you said Blake, then you’re clearly a college hoop fan. If you said Merv, then you are clearly old. If you said Kathy, then you are clearly pathetic. And if you said Peter then you are clearly disappointed with the level of humor I’ve provided.

9. WAKE FOREST (24-5)
Best Wins; Baylor, BYU, UNC, at Clemson, Duke, FSU
Loss: Virginia Tech, at Miami, at Georgia Tech, at NC State, at Duke

My Irrelevant Comment:
The average height of the starters on the Demon Deacons is about 6’ 6”. That’s like a bunch of trees. Boy would it be great if the school was called something like the Wake Bunch Of Trees.

10. WASHINGTON (24-7)
Best Wins: UCLA, at ASU, ASU, Arizona
Losses: at Portland, at Kansas, at Florida, Cal, at AZ, at Cal, at UCLA

University of Washington is a bit miffed over its less than stellar academic ranking. I really think they should have seen it coming though. I mean, their logo is “W”.

OTHER OPINIONS

Jim Richens – Memphis: Multiple sources confirm that DeMarcus Cousins committed to Memphis yesterday afternoon. He's the #1 high school center in the country. He joins ESPNU's #1 overall high school player, Xavier Henry and top-20 prospects, Nolan Dennis, Will Coleman and Darnell Dodson in the Memphis fall class. Memphis will win the national championship in 2010. Period. Mail it in.

Mike Wood – URI: Went to the URI vs UMass game on Sat at the Ryan Center - great game - UMass guard Lowe - hit a (full-court) drive with a second or so left on the clock to win the game 72-71 - very impressed with URI 6'3" guard Jimmy Baron - who scored 22 points (16 in the 2nd half, also became the 3-pt career scoring leader in the game) - and can he shoot the 3 - back in Nov. he hit 7 consecutive 3's vs. Duke.

Ken Robbins - The Pool & GMU: I'll make my annual $25 donation and will proudly watch the end of March come and go as I piss away another 25 bones! I would have donated $27 if George Mason made it in but sadly they got wrecked tonight down in Richmond by VCU which is where VCU lives........big time home court advantage if you ask me. I say move that CAA tourney around folks!

Pete Frey - Providence: Control their destiny need to beat Lville

Dan Ison – Providence: If they don't get blown out by Louisville they can at least cross their fingers and hope on Sunday afternoon. Then it just depends on what happens in the other conferences - need early round upsets of other bubble teams (Minn, URI, SDS, UNM, USC, Kentucky) and no more freakin' Cleveland States.

STEPS TO JOIN MY FREE NCAA POOL
1.Email me at davebarend@yahoo.com and say, “I’m up for the pool.” Include your full name.

2. There is no Step 2 – once you email me you are in. I’ll then get you all the info & passwords for the basic bracket format pool that will be run on Yahoo sites.

3.Optional Step – Donate to the pot of the pool (Currently at $849.13) via the PayPal link at the top of this site above Gabe Kaplan. And, no, I’m not taking a cut.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#17: Barend's Bubble Breakdown

2009-03-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

So I flick on ESPN to find some info about teams “on the bubble” for making the NCAA Tourney. What do I learn? That the Detroit Lions should take a safety in Round 3.

If you don’t know what “on the bubble” means then you are the exact type of person I want to compete against in my free NCAA pool. (Details below.)

“On the bubble” can be best explained as follows: Imagine you are standing in line at a trendy nightclub that only lets the most attractive people enter. The bouncer checks you out and doesn’t tell you to get lost, but doesn’t immediately let you and your other marginally good-looking friends in. You are on the proverbial bubble. But when a limo filled with professional athletes and super-models pulls up – your bubble has burst.

Personally, I think that “on the bubble” is too wimpy and wussy to describe the dire predicament that these teams face. I, therefore, advocate a change from “on the bubble” to something that better conveys the very slight chance of survival and the very strong possibility of demise. Such as:

*In the percolating volcano.

*On the engineless airplane.

*Driving the Pinto.

*Engaged to be married.

*Fighting Mike Tyson.

*In Detroit.

*Eating my wife’s lasagna.

I must admit that “On the bubble” came in handy back when I was dating. (Oh the good old days.) About a month into each relationship I would be asked the same stupid question: “Where do I stand with you?” My response: “On the bubble.” Every time I got the same reply: “What does that mean?” But one woman actually retorted: “Well, I’ll just have to win my conference tournament.” A few months later I asked her a stupid question: “Will you marry me?”

I was actually “on the bubble” once. No, not for the NCAA Tournament. I didn’t play Div I Basketball. I played JV CYO basketball. Well, I almost didn’t. Yes, I was on the bubble for making my JV CYO team.

It was the end of the last day of tryouts and coach sat us all down. He said he can only keep 10 and since there were 11, one had to go. He then announced that it had come down to me and Stevie - a kid who had a severe case of glaucoma.

I truly thought I had a few advantages over Stevie. Like, for one, my ability to see. There was also the fact that I knew the coach quite well. Not really by choice. He was my dad.

Vision and nepotism apparently weren’t going to be enough. Dad tells Stevie and me we’re playing one-on-one. Winner makes the team. As a hoop player I had one talent – throwing picks. Turns out, that is not an effective move in one-on one. Lucky for me Stevie was legally blind. I perpetually duped him into throwing the ball to me by holding my arms out like a hoop.

After 5 minutes of action, the score was tied: 0-0. Trying to discern who was better had to be like trying to differentiate between the talents of Milli Vanilli and the Jonas Brothers.

My dad then blew his whistle signifying our immediate return to the bench. Stevie got there first and I noticed there was no room for me. My face dropped. I thought, “Oh my God. Has my basketball career just ended due to an impromptu game of musical chairs?”
My dad then got up to grab the bouncing ball. I deftly dove into his spot.

Dad threw his clip board to the floor and said “Ah sh!t. God damn it all.” Yeah, my dad would seem to forget that the C in CYO stood for Catholic. And that Father Malone was standing next to him.

There was a pause as my Dad looked at Stevie. Then me. Then Stevie. Then me. “Screw it. I’ll keep you both.” Stevie and I then hugged with joy. Well, once Stevie could find me.

Other kids remember words of wisdom from their dads. I will always have, “Screw it. I’ll keep you both.” Words that took me right off the bubble - and right on to the bench.

But there are a number of teams currently “on the bubble” who aren’t going be as fortunate as I. Below I give you my breakdown of some of those teams and who is going to be in & out of the Tourney.

Minnesota
If the Gophers get in the Tourney the announcers will continually mention that Coach Tubby Smith is one of 17 kids in his family. That will lead to my wife saying, “If his parents could have 17 children, we can easily handle a third.”
Decision: Definitely Out!

Penn State
There is a chance that Joe Paterno may show up for some of the games if they make the Tourney. That means there is a chance that on national television he may, once again, poop himself.
Decision: In

Providence
I like PC. Even like their nickname. It’s just spelled wrong. They need to change it from Friars to Fryers. Then they can change their mascot from a docile monk to a frightened turkey.
Decision: In

Boston College
If the Eagles get in I will be quite happy. Then when they lose in the first round I will be quite sad.
Decision: Doesn’t matter.

Kentucky
Come on now, say it with me. Just two words: Ashley Judd.
Decision: In

Notre Dame
Come on now, say it with me. Just two words: Digger Phelps.
Decision: Out

Now, all this contemplation about being “on the bubble” has led me to a somewhat unique thought: How about a breakdown of bubbles? I, therefore, give you in match-up format:

Barend’s Bubble Bubble Breakdown:

Boy In The Bubble vs. Strippers Named Bubbles
Let’s see, we have John Travolta in a vat of plastic or dancing naked women. Hmmm.
Decision: Strippers are in. (Strippers are always in.)

Bubble Wrap vs. Mr. Bubble
Everyone loves bubble wrap. Not me. Why? Each Christmas I spend a wad of dough on gifts for my girls. And what do they play with? The damn bubble wrap.
Decision: Bubble wrap is out.

“Tiny Bubbles” vs. “B Is For Bubble”
You might think you’ve never heard “B is for Bubbles”, but you have – on Sesame Street. “B is for bubbles. Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles . . .” Remember it now? Yeah you do. Good luck getting it out of your head.
Decision: Don Ho’s classic “Tiny Bubbles” is in.

William Shakespeare vs. Rodney Dangerfield
There’s the famous Macbeth line of “Double double toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble.” And then you have Rodney in “Back To School” with a hut tub full of babes saying, “What’s a bath without bubbles? Come here Bubbles.”
Decision: Shakespeare just can’t compete with the Classics. Rodney’s in.

There you have it - the first ever Bubble Bubble Breakdown, just for you. As for me, well, my wife’s serving lasagna tonight. Guess I’m back on the bubble.

Take it easy,
Dave

STEPS TO JOIN MY FREE NCAA POOL
1.Email me at davebarend@yahoo.com and say, “I’m up for the pool.” Include your full name.

2. There is no Step 2 – once you email me you are in. I’ll then get you all the info & passwords for the basic bracket format pool that will be run on Yahoo sites.

3.Optional Step – Donate to the pot of the pool (Currently over $700) via the PayPal link at the top of this site above Gabe Kaplan.

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 13)

2009-03-05T04:15:00.000-08:00

Below is my latest set of Rankings & Irrelevant Comments and then info on how to join my FREE pool for the NCAA Tourney. I hope you laugh and then join.

1. UCONN (27-2)
Best Wins: Miami, at Gonzaga, West Virginia, Villanova, at Louisville, SU
Losses: Georgetown, Pitt

My Irrelevant Comment:
Some people just can’t seem to get over the fact that Coach Calhoun’s salary is $1.6 million. They should really heed the advice of America’s greatest capitalists – The Beastie Boys. “Money Makin, Money Money Makin, Manhattan Super Disco Disco Breakin,” Yeah, that’s not completely right on point, but I do like to quote the Beasties whenever possible.

2. NORTH CAROLINA (26-3)
Best wins: Michigan State, Notre Dame, Clemson, at Duke
Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest, at Maryland

My Irrelevant Comment:
Bobby Frasor’s playing time has been sporadic at best. I really hope he can have a sense of humor about the situation. Like if every time he went to the bench, he looked at Roy Williams and said, “And down goes Frasor.”

3. MEMPHIS (26-3)
Best wins: at Gonzaga, Cincinnati, Tennessee
Losses: Xavier, Georgetown, SU

My Irrelevant Comment
On January 5th, Memphis was not in the Top 25. Then they started playing the pathetic members of Conference USA and have moved up to #3. It is now clear how they can get to be #1 – join the Ivy League.

4. PITT (27-3)
Best wins: at Florida State, Syracuse, ND, WV, at UConn
Loss: at Louisville, at Villanova, at PC

My Irrelevant Comment:
I’m a big fan of Jermaine Dixon for the obvious reason – his hair. Yes, I realize he’s bald. And at least, as of right now, I’m not.

5. LOUISVILLE (24-5)
Best Wins: at Villanova, Kentucky, Pitt, ND, at SU
Losses: Western Kentucky, UNLV, Minnesota, at ND, UConn

My Irrelevant Comment:
So I’m watching the Louisville game last weekend and I see this guy in an all white suit. And I actually think, “What the hell is the Good Humor Man doing in front of the Cardinals’ bench?” Yeah I eventually figured it out. But I still can’t understand what made Al Pacino reprise his role in “Scarface.”

6. OKLAHOMA (25-4)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas
Loss: at Arkansas, at Texas, KU, at Missouri

My Irrelevant Comment:
Oklahoma has license plates that say, “Oklahoma is Ok.” But when Blake Griffin went down with a concussion people started making some changes. There now the G-Rated version: “Oklahoma is pretty woozy.” And the Pulp Fiction version: “Oklahoma is pretty f#$%ing far from okay.”

7. DUKE (24-5)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Georgetown, Wake Forest
Losses: at Michigan, at Wake Forest, at Clemson, UNC, at BC

My Irrelevant Comment:
I just learned that Cameron Indoor Stadium was named after former Duke AD Eddie Cameron. I really liked it better when I thought it was named after Cameron in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

8. MICHIGAN STATE (21-5)
Bet wins, Texas, Minn., KU, Ohio St., Michigan
Losses: Maryland, UNC, Northwestern, Penn St., at Purdue

My Irrelevant Comment:
Seth Davis just wrote a book about Michigan State’s 1979 championship. Who’s Seth Davis? He’s the guy you see at half-time and wonder, “Why did CBS hire Mitt Romney?”

9. WAKE FOREST (22-5)
Best Wins; Baylor, BYU, UNC, at Clemson, Duke, FSU
Loss: Virginia Tech, at Miami, at Georgia Tech, at NC State, at Duke

My Irrelevant Comment:
At every game the students all wear matching black and yellow tie-dyed t-shirts. Apparently they are going for that intimidating feeling that can only come from a pack of twirling – sunflowers.

10. KANSAS (24-6)
Best Wins: Washington, Missouri, at Oklahoma,
Losses: at SU, UMass, at Ariz, at Michigan St., at Missouri, Texas Tech

I simply can’t root for Kansas because I’m a Clint Eastwood fan. Huh? Jayhawks were the bad guys who tried to kill Clint in The Outlaw Jose Wales. But I’ll start supporting KU if they change their mascot to an orangutan.

OTHER OPINIONS

Harold Barend: Big East - Remember, a fews years ago, when Jerry McNamara carried the Syracuse team to the Big East Tournament championship. What happened after that was a huge upset of Syracuse in the NCAA Tournament--or was it an upset. I contend having the league tournaments as door mats for the NCAA tournament is a major plus for the small schools selected to play in the early rounds. They do not have to a week of grueling tournament play just prior to the NCAAs. The small schools have a week to nurse their injured, and rest and relax their teams.. While the The Big East, and ACC tournaments, for example, will produce a lot of bruised, battered, and bloodied players who will then have to play another week or two in the NCAA tournament.

Mike Wood: UConn - Marquette gave UConn a good battle - Price was shooting out of his mind - going back and forth with McNeil - they do not look for Thabeet enough though - to win like that was big - no Dyson and Adrien was (unusual) a non-factor

Harold Barend (II) Duke: Despite not having a big man of any significance, Duke should be a Final Four contender. Much depends on how they physically survive the ACC tournament. If anyone of their four starting forwards gets hurt, Duke had better pull out the rosary beads.

Bruce Skillin: The NCAA Pool - I'm in the pool. And my shorts are missing! And why is this part of the pool warmer than others??

Harold Barend (III) Syracuse: This is a team full of hope and athleticism. Hopefully Jim Boeheim arranged to have his big center enrolled in: 101 The Techniques of Good Foul Shooting. They could surprise a lot of people and be in the Final Four or surprise a lot of people and be heading home after the first round. Johnny Flynn is getting better with every game. When Syracuse is hot--they are smoking. There isn't another team that can run and gun like the Cuse. Perhaps their best surprise is yet to come.

Thom Devlin: Georgetown- I know no one cares, because neither team is in contention for the Tournament, but I went to MSG on Tuesday night and watched Georgetown lose to St. John's in overtime. (I also was present when Gtown lost to Marquette and Louisville the week before) Georgetown has no heart! I haven't seen it since the Duke game when their slide began. Our win against UCONN earlier in the season....who cares!? Let me take you back to Christmas Morning real quickly though. You remember when you woke up and ran down the stairs to your....computer to check Davebarendcollegehoophumor.com? This is what you read:

7.Gerogetown (9-1)
Best Wins: Maryland & Memphis
Worst loss - Tennessee
My Irrelevant Comment: This week the Hoyas beat Mount St. Mary’s – a school that distinguished itself from St. Mary’s by adding the “Mount”. But now the name seems to suggest that prudish girls named Mary should be, well, mounted.

Well....David--please explain yourself! You ranked my HOYAS 7th in the country, you built up my hopes and made me believe when I shouldn't have. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF!?

STEPS TO JOIN MY FREE NCAA POOL
1.Email me at davebarend@yahoo.com and say, “I’m up for the pool.” Include your full name.

2. There is no Step 2 – once you email me you are in. I’ll then get you all the info & passwords for the basic bracket format pool that will be run on Yahoo sites.

3.Optional Step – Donate to the pot of the pool (Currently over $690) via the PayPal link at the top of this site above Gabe Kaplan.

Take it easy,
Dave

(Next Rant coming Monday)

Rant#16: Ode To Selection Sunday

2009-03-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

In less than two weeks I, Dave Barend, will “fit in”. No, I haven’t read, “The Idiot’s Guide To Basic Social Skills.” Actually, it’s you who are going to change. On March 15, aka Selection Sunday, you will become crazy for college hoops. And then (brace yourselves) you will be just like me.

My short period of acceptance by you mainstream folk, allows me to sympathize with another group of outcasts – female exhibitionists. You know, women who yearn to display their bare breasts. Just as they have Mardi Gras, I have March Madness.

This temporary feeling of non-lunacy leads me to conclude that Selection Sunday is by far the best event of the year. That’s right, even better than Christmas. I get 65 gifts on Selection Sunday – all wrapped in beautiful brackets. On Christmas I’m lucky to get 5. And none of them are even as good as Murray State. Last year, my wife actually gave me a scale. Imagine if I gave her a scale. I’d have been spending Christmas night in the EconoLodge. Yeah, Selection Sunday beats the hell out of Christmas.

Selection Sunday is also better than:

Thanksgiving - because mother-in-law is not in attendance.
The 4th of July - because I always forget when that is.
Kwanzaa, - because, well, I don't really know what that is.
Easter - because I don't feel guilty for not giving up something for Lent.
Boxing Day - because I don't box.
Memorial Day - because I'm not dead.

It's even better than sex. As a married guy I feel comfortable labeling sex as an "event" - a rare one at that. Which reminds me, I guess I have given up something for Lent.

“Wait a minute. How can Selection Sunday be better than the actual Tournament?” Because with Selection Sunday comes hope. The hope that you got the picks right and you are going to win the pool. With the actual games comes – dashed hope. For me, this usually happens by the afternoon of day one.

Why do I care so much about hope? Well, I’m a 40-year old guy whose last gasp at a chance of happiness is hinging to the success of the most pathetic form of entertainment – a blog. So, yeah, I’m a pretty big fan of hope. Or as my buddy Gary likes to say, “Hope is incredible.” Though I should probably reveal he’s referring to an old girlfriend with impressive flexibility.

Amazingly, I almost missed Selection Sunday a few years ago. It was a half hour before the CBS Selection Show and my wife was in bed with a slight case of double pneumonia. She started having a bad reaction to her medication. If I remember correctly it was something trivial like not being able to breathe. So it was up to me to get the new prescription. I tried to hide my utter lack of enthusiasm, but she saw right through me. I guess I shouldn’t have asked, “Do you really think you’ll die if I don’t go?

I got to the store, grabbed the new meds, and then hopped in my car. As I drove toward the exit I noticed another car waiting to leave, but no traffic. I tried to remain calm. Not my forte. I told myself to count to 10. Yeah, I made it to 4, said “Screw it!” and laid on the horn like a Brazilian after a World Cup victory. Car still didn’t move. But the car behind me did. Or more accurately, the cruiser behind me.

As the officer pulled up, I thought, “Great, he’ll get this moron going.” That thought terminated when the cop stopped his pursuit next to me.

“What’s the big rush?”
“Hey officer. Uh, it’s Selection Sunday and the pairings are coming out in a few minutes. I really don’t want to miss it. Any chance you want to give me an escort home?”

In hindsight, that wasn’t a wise request. But I still don’t think it warranted field sobriety tests. Thank God I’m proficient at reciting the alphabet.

I made it home with 5 minutes to spare. I clicked my garage door opener and – nothing. I yelled, “Are you kidding me!!” There was no reply.

I parked in the driveway and booked it to the front door. It was then that a prior conversation with my wife ran through my head

Wife: You should really put a key to the front door on your key chain.
Me: I don’t need a key. I always go through the garage.
Wife: What if your opener breaks?
Me: That’s never going to happen

So I stood there and contemplated incessantly ringing the doorbell. That would have resulted in our baby waking up, my deathly ill wife opening the door, and my very painful castration. I decided to go with option 2 – walk around the house and pray one of the back doors was open.

Yet another prayer unanswered. As I walked back to the front of the house I reassessed the value of my cojones. I then noticed a slightly open window. This led to an immediate reaction of: “Oh my God! We must have wasted a fortune on heat!” It eventually dawned on me that there was another way of viewing the open window - my ticket to see the Selection Show.

This and other potential fiascos can be avoided by correctly preparing for Selection Sunday far in advance:

1. Get Rations – From the time the brackets are reveled on Selection Sunday till noon the following Thursday all of your free time will be spent making your picks. That is if you’re like me. And since we’ve already established that you will be, you need to stock up pronto. This past week I filled my grocery cart with a bunch of DiGiorno pizzas. At the behest of my daughters, I also threw in a couple boxes of Hanna Montana cereal – and simultaneously threw away the last vestiges of my manhood. The emasculation continued when I got in line behind two muscle heads. They seemed lees than convinced when I claimed that Hanna’s cereal was actually chunks of steak.

2. Decorate – Yes, you should truly decorate your home to get in the Selection Sunday Spirit. Every year my wife makes a huge set of brackets that we hang on the wall. Pretty good sign of her love for me, huh? Yeah, not so much. First time she made one was when we were engaged. My buddy Scotty was there and he said, “I guarantee this doesn’t happen when you’re married.” Well, Scotty was wrong. But my wife doesn’t continue making the big brackets out of love. Nope, it’s totally out of spite. In fact, every single year when she’s drawing them up, I can hear her ever so quietly say to herself, “Screw you, Scotty.”

3. Learn Bracketology – There are people who have made entire careers out of trying to figure out what the bracket pairings will be before they are announced on Selection Sunday. They call themselves “bracketologists”. And I believe in high school they were called Dungeon Masters.

I, however, prefer to try to figure out how the brackets will look like when the tournament’s over. You know, so I can win the pool. That just doesn’t seem to work out.

Last year, the picks were due in 30 minutes and I still hadn’t even completed my Elite 8. It was then that I realized that assessing whether #16 seeded Portland State could knock off #1 Kansas shouldn’t have taken 5 hours.

But no need to panic. I had a half-hour to finish with nobody home to bother me. And then - my youngest daughter walked in. Yeah, I kind of forgot about her. (That might have an impact on my nomination for father of the year.)

She looked at me and said, “Poo-poo in the potty.” At that point I noticed that she was half-naked and displayed evidence that at least the first part of her claim was valid.

As we trucked to the bathroom, I looked in her little potty chair and found – nothing. Yet there undoubtedly had been a poo-poo. This begged the question, “Where the hell is the damn poo-poo?”

So my daughter and I then went on a quest. A quest to find the poo-poo. It was kind of like our own little Easter egg hunt. Well, more like an Easter egg hunt sponsored by the guys from South Park. Not quite one of those Father-Daughter Hallmark moments.

First stop was my bedroom and, more specifically, my side of the bed. Nothing. Thank God.

As we went from room to room, she kept saying “Poo-poo in potty.” Maybe I missed it. We cruised back to the bathroom and confirmed that her potty chair was empty. She then pointed to the toilet and said “Poo-poo in potty.” I looked inside and exclaimed, “Holy sh!t. In the potty. Wait till we tell Mommy. She is going to be so proud.” Apparently my daughter had used her potty as a stool and climbed right up. Lucky for me she did not fall in. Might have been a bummer watching the Tournament with the folks at Social Services.

Moments later my wife arrived and my daughter ran to tell her the news. “Mommy. Mommy. Look. Look. Holy sh!t in potty.” Mommy was not so proud of Daddy.

Since I had about 3 minutes till the deadline, I decided to reward my daughter by letting her make my final picks. And miraculously I won the pool. Really? No, not really. But I had hope. All of you can have hope too. And it all starts on the greatest day of the year- Selection Sunday.

Take it easy,
Dave

STEPS TO JOIN MY FREE NCAA POOL
1.Email me at davebarend@yahoo.com and say “I’m up for the pool.”

2. There is no Step 2 – once you email me you are in. Yes, that's it because the pool is FREE! I’ll then get you all the info & passwords for the basic bracket format pool that will be run on Yahoo sites.

3.Optional Step – Donate to the pot of the pool (Currently over $600) via the PayPal link at the top of this site above Gabe Kaplan. Just to be clear, this is optional as the pool is FREE!

[Next set of Rankings & Irrelevant Comments coming Thursday.]

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 12)

2009-02-26T03:32:00.000-08:00

Below is my current set of Rankings & Irrelevant Comments. Below that are some even more irrelevant comments from other folks. And below that is some very relevant info on how to join my FREE pool for the NCAA Tourney.

RANKINGS
1. UCONN (26-2)
Best Wins: at Gonzaga, West Virginia, Villanova, at Louisville, SU, at Marquette
Losses: Georgetown, Pitt

My Irrelevant Comment:
This past week Coach Calhoun was asked how much of his $1.6 million salary he’d be willing to return given that Connecticut is facing a $2 billion dollar crisis. He responded, “Not a dime.” Note to self: cross Calhoun off list of possible donors to my free NCAA pool.

2. PITT (25-3)
Best wins: at Florida State, Syracuse, ND, WV, at UConn
Loss: at Louisville, at Villanova, at Providence

My Irrelevant Comment:
You know how twins sometimes pull a swithcheroo to confuse their friends and family? I wonder if Jamie Dixon and Jermaine Dixon ever do that. I’m guessing they don’t. Jamie’s not much of a joker. Well, there’s also the fact that he and Jermaine aren’t really twins. Or the same height. Or the same race.

3. NORTH CAROLINA (24-3)
Best wins: Michigan State, Notre Dame, Clemson, at Duke
Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest, at Maryland

My Irrelevant Comment:
On Saturday UNC lost to the Maryland Terrapins. I’ve always wondered why that school didn’t just go with “The Turtles.” Then Maryland’s Arena would have perpetually blasted the tune “Happy Together.” Hmm. Thank God they went with the Terrapins.

4. LOUISVILLE (21-5)
Best Wins: at Villanova, Kentucky, Pitt, ND, at SU
Losses: Western Kentucky, UNLV, Minnesota, at ND, UConn

My Irrelevant Comment:
Louisville’s star Freshman is Samardo Samuels. Yup, first part of his first name is Sam. And the first part of his last name is Sam. Which explains his nickname – Ardo Uels.

5. OKLAHOMA (25-3)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas
Loss: at Arkansas, at Texas, Kansas

My Irrelevant Comment:
On Saturday Blake Griffin got nipped in the nose and inexplicably suffered a concussion. Now he’s a little afraid to get back on the court. Not that he might get another concussion, but that he’ll get nipped in the stomach and suffer hemorrhoids.

6. MEMPHIS (24-3)
Best wins: at Gonzaga, Cincinnati, Tennessee
Losses: Xavier, Georgetown, SU

My Irrelevant Comment
My wife and I were playing some game where she had to try to guess the name of a famous person based on facts that I was rattling off. (The joys of married life.) So I say “Moved to Memphis, almost always in the Top 10, rose to fame when he was young and dapper, but then became a fat slob.” Her guess: Elvis. Are you kidding me? I was clearly talking about John Calipari.

7. DUKE (23-5)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Georgetown, Wake Forest
Losses: at Michigan, at Wake Forest, at Clemson, UNC, at BC

My Irrelevant Comment:
Day before a big game the Duke students will set up tents to camp out in the freezing cold just to get tickets. They call it Krzyzewskiville. I’d call it something entirely different: Stupid.

8. MISSOURI (24-4)
Best Wins: USC, Cal, at Texas, KU
Losses” At Xavier, Illinois, at Nebraska, at Kansas St.

My Irrelevant Comment:
Missouri is currently ranked in the Top 10 in both polls, but has had almost no nationally televised games. The State of Missouri might want to re-think its slogan of the “Show Me State.” Seems like it should be altered to “The Hose Me State.”

9. MICHIGAN STATE (21-5)
Bet wins, Texas, Minn., KU, Ohio St., Michigan
Losses: Maryland, UNC, Northwestern, Penn St., at Purdue

My Irrelevant Comment:
Michigan State’s star player, Raymar Morgan, has had the Flu, Pneumonia, Mono, and a respiratory virus. Yet the Spartans are 21-5 and have a decent shot at the Final 4. How many times do you think the following thought has gone through Coach Izzo’s mind? “If he could just come down with tuberculosis we could win it all.”

10. MARQUETTE (23-5)
Best Wins: Wisconsin, Villanova, WV, at ND
Losses: Dayton, Tennessee, at USF, at Villanova, UConn

My Irrelevant Comment:
Fact: There are 62,000 people in the city of Milwaukee. Fact: Marquette’s 18,850 seat area has not been filled to capacity for every game this year. Unanswerable Question: How can so many people possibly find anything else to do in Milwaukee?

OTHER OPINIONS

Ken Robbins: George Mason – My alma mater, George Mason, has elected a drag queen at it’s home coming queen.

Harold Barend (I): Duke - I believe Duke will be in the Final Four this year. Understandably, Duke has a problem with the lack of an agile big man. What team in college basketball can start four forwards who can rebound, drill the three and go hard to the basket. At the beginning of the season, Duke seemed to have more intensity on defense--that could be their Achilles heel in the tournament.

Pete Frey: Providence – Friars’ win over Pitt was their biggest win in 12 years.

Scott DeTraglia: Dave’s Free NCAA Pool - You have two choices of where to put your money: The stock market (and watch it decline every day) or The Dave Barend pool (where you have a chance to win). The Dave Barend pool in '09 - your best investment -

Harold Barend (II): The Big East - I think the Big East should get 10 teams. Most of the losses the Big East teams have incurred are within their own division. When Big East teams competed outside their conference they usually win. Syracuse and Notre Dame are the two big question marks for the tournament. I believe Syracuse is in the Big Show but how far will they go? Betting on Syracuse is a real shot in the dark. One game they look like the kid who walked out of the crapper in Slumdog Millionaire the next game they look like they could play with any team in college basketball. Only alumni can love this team. All the hype and build up for Notre Dame has resulted in a premature climax. Notre Dame was at their best halfway through the season and now they must fight like hell to even get a place in the NCAA tournament. It is really a shame if they are left out. The positives of putting them in the tournament: they bring a huge gate, they are fun to watch, (not many tattoos), and they will be competitive. Pittsburg will probably get a very high seed. They are physical, and ugly to watch.

STEPS TO JOIN MY FREE NCAA POOL
1.Email me at davebarend@yahoo.com and say “I’m up for the pool.”

2. There is no Step 2 – once you email me you are in. I’ll then get you all the info & passwords for my basic bracket format pool that will be run on Yahoo sites.

3. Optional Step – Donate to the pot of the pool (currently over $500) via the PayPal link at the top of this site above Gabe Kaplan.

Take it easy,
Dave Barend

(Next Rant coming Monday.)

Rant#15: It Takes An Idiot To Run An NCAA Pool

2009-02-22T18:07:00.000-08:00

To make the NCAA Tourney fun you need to find someone dumb enough to want to run a pool. For the past 15 years that dummy has been me.

After each year, I swear I’m never going to be that idiot again. The stress of running a pool is simply not worth it. But then March comes and, much like Al Pacino said, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." (Though I’m not sure if Michael Corleone would find the “stress” of running an NCAA pool “much like” the stress of running - the mafia.)

Why do I succumb each year? Well, I’m not sure.

For the $? - A good reason, except I don’t make any money off the pool. A few years ago I wanted to assure everyone that I wasn’t taking a percentage of the pot. So I sent an email out to the couple hundred people in my pool saying, “I’m not taking any ‘Fig”’. Huh? See, I thought that “The Fig” was the term for taking a cut of a pool. Turns out it’s called “The Vig”. Which explains the responses saying things like, “What the hell are you talking about?”, and “What do you have against Figs?” My pathetic display of ignorance did have a positive. It reconfirmed for everyone in my pool that I was the prefect idiot for the job.

For Fun? – The fun part is being in the pool. Dealing with people who can’t figure out how to fill in the brackets, not fun. Couple years ago, it was 5 minutes before tip off of the first round. I was just about to take the first bite of my pizza when the phone rang.

Sean: Hey man it’s Sean. I haven’t gotten my picks in yet.
Dave: Don’t know what to tell you. Tip off is in less than 5 minutes.
Sean: Great, I was worried we wouldn’t have enough time.
Me: We?
Sean: Yeah, I need you to enter the picks on that web site for me.

(At this point, a normal person would have pretended that there was a bad connection and hung up. Sadly, I’m not normal.)

Dave: Sure. Just read off your picks and I’ll type ‘em in.
Sean: Dude, I haven’t even looked at the brackets yet.

(As I furiously typed in the winners of all 63 games a drop of sweat fell toward my pizza. I managed to deftly catch it with my big toe. Unfortunately, I was unable to prevent my foot from landing in the double cheese. I now had a meal that was literally going to taste like feet.)

Dave: Wow, we finished with 30 seconds to spare.
Sean: Dave, hold a second. Yeah, uh, can I get a large Coke with that? Dave, you there? Thanks man. Gotta go. Don’t want my pizza to get cold.

For Making Friends? – Actually I seem to lose friends. This obsession with my NCAA pool has pretty much alienated my entire neighborhood. Though they claim that they aren’t interested, that simply makes no sense to me. How can anybody not want to be in an NCCA pool? It’s like not wanting sex. In fact, an NCAA pool is like 3 weeks of sex. Who wouldn’t want that? Well, apparently about 50 people according to the signatures on the neighborhood’s cease and desist petition.

Last year, a new family moved into my neighborhood about 1 week before the Tourney. My wife made me promise that I would not even mention my pool to them. I agreed. I also lied. A crafty move given that they happily joined.

The day before the Tourney started, I noticed that some unknown person had logged into my pool’s web site. This infuriating discovery meant three things: (1) someone had entered my pool without paying (2) someone had given out the password for my pool’s web site and (3) the pulsating vein in my forehead was going to explode. Yeah, I was a bit perturbed. I then received an email from my brand new neighbor indicating that he had given the password to another guy. He apologized and said he’d gladly take care of the fee.

If you think that’s the end, then you are, once again, forgetting that I’m an idiot. I decided to vent by forwarding my neighbor’s email to another buddy in the pool and wrote, “Read below. Looks like I found the @#$%&*#!” Except I didn’t hit forward. I hit reply. And I didn’t write @#$%&*#. I wrote “asshole.”

I immediately realized my mistake. Somehow I had to stop that email. So I did the only logical thing - I yanked my computer right out of the wall. The cord flew out of the socket and, accompanied by a chunk of dry wall, smashed into my face. Upon rebooting my computer I learned a disappointing fact - I’m not as fast as email.

I then re-opened the email, made absolutely sure I hit forward, and sent the following note to my wife: “In the next few hours our new neighbors will cease speaking with us. See below. Please let me know if this is a 6 roses or a full dozen mistake. My wife wrote back. One line: “You are an idiot.”

For Pride? Amazingly, yes. If there is one thing that I know I can do well, it’s run a good NCAA pool. I can actually envision the engraving on my headstone: “Dave Barend – Loving father and devoted husband? That’s debatable. But he ran a damn good pool.”

What I’d really like is to be able to say that I ran a stress-free pool. And I truly think this year I might be getting closer to that goal. My two biggest stressors are:

Stressor #1: Collecting $ -
Every year I swear that I’m not letting anyone in without first receiving their payment. Every single year I get a bunch of last minute calls. I’ve heard all the excuses:

There are threats like: Let me in or I’ll tell everyone about that time with the ostrich

There are pleas to my sympathy like: I’m your mother, damn it.

There are also promises like: I’m writing the check now, well, not like right now, but as soon as I find my check book, and a stamp, and an envelope . . .

Then there are my friends who aren’t actually deadbeats, but simply like to torture me by paying late. One year my buddy Gary sent his payment days before the Tourney started. Or so I thought. When I opened his envelope all that was inside was a note that read: “How pissed are you now?”

So, the pool ends up being financed by the Bank of Dave – the only bank currently doing worse than Washington Mutual.

Stressor #2.Fear of Prison Time –

It has occasionally dawned on me that the pool that I have been running for years over the Internet with friends across the country just might involve some federal violations. A quick LEXIS search revealed that such actions seem to be prohibited by: The Wire Act, The Paraphernalia Act (substantially less risqué than I had hoped), The Federal Anti-gambling Statute, and The Professional and Amateur Sports Protection Act. I now have an image of me in Federal prison having a conversation with another inmate. "So what are you in for?" "Murder, how about you? "Violating the Professional and Amateur, er, I mean murder."

But even if my odds of ending up in the poky are likely slim, as an attorney I have another concern – The Board Of Bar Overseers. While doing a little time in the slammer would be one thing, getting disbarred would really have a negative impact on my career.

Before I called the BBO to ascertain my risk, I prepared some questions such as: Is it true that something can be illegal but not unethical? Has anyone ever been disbarred for running an NCAA pool? And, Do you have caller id?

The person I spoke to asserted that running an illegal NCAA pool could result in sanctions, but such a complaint would realistically be pushed to the far corner of his desk. He, however, refused to even acknowledge the possibility that such a file could be pushed off his desk and into his garbage can. Ethical people are so hard to bribe.

So, just in case anyone reading this is from the BBO, IRS, or FBI, all the references above to me accepting fees for an NCAA pool – nothing but jokes. They fall into the “Humor” part of “DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.

Solution: Make The Pool FREE –

You got it. This year’s pool is completely FREE! Gone are my worries about collecting money and ending up in the big house ‘cause the pool will be FREE. Yes, I still have the stress of dealing with people who contact me in the middle of round three asking if there’s anyway they can change their picks. And yes, I still have the stress of convincing people to join the pool. But that later concern should be slightly alleviated because the pool is FREE.

But if the pool is FREE where is the $ for the pot coming from? Well, for the most part it’s coming from me. As promised, I’ve decided to dedicate every dollar of advertising to the pot of this pool. So far I’m up to $450. ($375 from individual ads and about $75 from people finding interest in those ads setup by Google.) I also have leads on 3 more possible ads. If you know anyone who is up for shelling out a mere $125, they can have an ad too. I do realize that giving away all my profits is, to say the least, a very unique business model. But my goal isn’t to make any mullah. It’s just to run a damn good pool.

The other source of dough from the pot is hopefully from you. Wait a minute, what happened to the FREE part? Well, it is FREE, I’m just hoping that you decide to voluntarily contribute to the pot via the PayPal button at the top right of this site – just above Gabe Kaplan.

Why the hell would anyone pay when they could enter for FREE? I’m banking on the most effective persuasive technique I know. No, it’s nothing that I learned in law school, but instead something that I picked up from my torturous Catholic upbringing – guilt. Yes, I’m truly hoping that some of you will feel compelled to toss in 5-10 bucks. You know, since I’m giving my earnings, my time and a good part of my hairline for this pool. I also went through 23 hours of labor just for you, so you damn well . . . Oh sorry, that one doesn’t really apply.

But if you can’t spare a few bucks or even if you just don’t want to, no big deal, because the pool truly is FREE. I really only ask for one thing: When this pool inevitably leads to a fatal stress induced heart attack, please just raise a glass and say, “Dave Barend - That idiot ran a damn good pool.”

[Though I’ll post a full list on instructions on Selection Sunday, if you want to join the pool now all you have to do is (1) join as a “follower" of this site (look under the Google ads), (2) contemplate a donation via PayPal (Look above the Fast Break poster) and (3) send an email to me at davebarend@yahoo.com with your name and address. I’ll get you all the details and passwords. Nutshell: Pool’s a basic bracket format run via Yahoo and, most importantly, it’s FREE!!! ]

Take it easy,
Dave

Next set of Rankings & Irrelevant Comments coming Thursday. If you want to contribute with your own comment on any hoop team just email it to me by Tuesday night.

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 11)

2009-02-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

Below is my 11th set of Rankings and Irrelevant Comments. To your right is my attempt to decorate this site.

RANKINGS
1. Pitt (23-2)
Best wins: Florida State, at Georgetown, Syracuse, ND, WV, at UConn
Loss: at Louisville, at Villanova

My Irrelevant Comment:
A week or so ago when I likened Pitt to a football team I thought I might have been a bit unfair. Then on Monday DeJuan Blair literally flipped Hasheem Thabeet over his shoulder. So I guess I was unfair – to football teams. Apparently the more accurate comparison is to the UCF.

2.Oklahoma (25-1)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas
Loss: at Arkansas

My Irrelevant Comment:
Oklahoma is ranked #2 in the Coaches Poll yet they haven’t beaten a single team currently in the top 20. I have no problem with that. You see, my alma mater, St. Bonaventure hasn’t beaten a team in the top 50. So next week . . . you gotta know what I’m thinking. Say it with me, “Bonnies are #1! Bonnies are #1!”

3.North Carolina (23-2)
Best wins: Michigan State, Notre Dame, Clemson, at Duke
Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest

My Irrelevant Comment:
The Tar Heels have lost 3 players for the season. If they go on to win the championship the unthinkable may occur – the coach of the year award being given to Roy Williams. The only thing that would then lead to my world making sense again: every other coach being given – a pink slip.

4.UConn (23-2)
Best Wins: Miami, at Gonzaga, West Virginia, Villanova, at Louisville, SU
Losses: Georgetown, Pitt

My Irrelevant Comment:
Coach Calhoun restrained himself from laying into the refs after the Pitt game. The NCAA ridiculously refuses to let coaches critique the refereeing. The only way the NCAA would allow Calhoun to voice his negative opinions is if he: shaved his head, painted his face and downed a 6-pack of Bud.

5.Memphis (23-3)
Best wins: at Gonzaga, Cincinnati, Tennessee
Losses: Xavier, Georgetown, SU

My Irrelevant Comment
Memphis’s conference, Conference USA, might not be accurately named. I mean the USA is a country where millions of people would do anything possible to try to get in. Then there’s Conference-USA, where every team that’s ever been in has tried everything possible to get out.

6.Wake Forest (19-4)
Best Wins; Baylor, BYU, UNC, at Clemson, Duke
Loss: Virginia Tech, Miami, Georgia Tech, NC State

My Irrelevant Comment:
Wake’s student section calls themselves the “Screaming Demons”. They must think they’re pretty clever. Yeah, well, wait till those kids get older. Then they’ll discover a better name for screaming demon - wife.

7. Duke (20-5)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Georgetown
Loss: Michigan, Wake Forest, at Clemson, UNC, at BC

My Irrelevant Comment:
Tickets to see Duke at BC via Stub Hub: $125/per person.
One program for my 6-year old: $15
One stuffed Eagle for my 3 year old: $20
The cost to my psyche for not going to see BC beat Duke because I was too damn cheap:
PRICELESS.

8.Marquette (22-4)
Best Wins: Villanova, ND
Losses: Dayton, Tenn., at USF, at Villanova

Irrelevant Comment:
Marquette was named after the 17th Century explorer and missionary, Jacques Marquette. When it came time to come up with a nickname a contingent of students wanted to go with the Marquette Missionary. Ironically, the Catholics in charge took a different "position".

9.Michigan State (20-5)
Best Wins: Texas, KU, at Minn, at Ohio St. at Michigan
Losses: Maryland, UNC, NW, Penn St., at Purdue

Irrelevant Comment:
While checking the television listings last week I noticed Michigan State was on something labeled BTN. Turns out BTN stands for the Big Ten Network. Stupid me, I thought that was CBS.

10.Louisville (20-4)
Best Wins: at Villanova, Kentucky, Pitt, ND, at SU
Losses: Western Kentucky, UNLV, Minnesota, UConn, at ND

My Irrelevant Comment:
Louisville has not only lost to Western Kentucky, but just recently got blown out by a Notre Dame team that had lost 7 in a row. So why do I have then ranked 10th? That’s easy. Because I couldn’t come up with a joke for Missouri.

OTHER OPINIONS

Bill Sullivan: Notre Dame - In typical Notre Dame fan reaction, from last week's total dejection, now I cannot figure out why we are not slated for a number one seed. At least we don't overreact.

Harold Barend: Duke - Duke needs a big man who can jump. It pains me to see a 7 footer who plays with the tenacity of Mother Theresa. Despite their big man problems, I still think they will be in the final four--unless they meet Oklahoma, North Carolina, or Connecticut along with a few other teams before they get there. The way the Duke Blue Devils have been physically abused, they are fortunate to have a very respected medical facility.

Mike Wood: BC - It must be a Carolina thing (beating both NC and Duke) - they looked good and I'm very impressed with the play of Joe Trapani - the transfer from Vermont - the Singler/Trapani match-up was fun to watch. Trapani scored 19 in a loss to Wake Forest and had another big game vs Duke scoring 20 points.

Harold Barend (II): Binghamton - Binghamton University from the American East (from where do you ask) just might be in the big tourney. They are playing with a purpose and have just risen to the top of their conference. At home, the school attendance sets new records almost every game with a lot of support from the community. They could easily surprise one of the higher ranked teams--good three-point shooting, very athletic, and fast.

Pete Frey: Anybody but BC – Pete would just like everyone to know that former BC player Sean Williams was arrested once again – this time for trespassing at BC.

Harold Barend (III) - Syracuse: I was beginning to believe someone taught the big man how to shoot a free throw after he made two in a row to a standing ovation. Unfortunately the good feeling did not last. My question: Why doesn't Syracuse University hire a coach to teach how to shoot a free throw? If they already did hire someone, then they should fire the person. Have a good evening and I hope this helps.

Harold Barend (IV): Notre Dame - Notre Dame always looks good at the beginning of a game then usually allows the competition to control the second half. I have a problem buying into Harangody for Big East Player of the Year. I think he takes to many ill advised shots and he seldom sets picks or screens for his teammates. At the beginning of the game with West Virginia, I was watching a totally different Notre Dame team, cutting, screening, and shooting the lights out. Harangody made some great passes but just as quick as it began, it ended when Harangody took an off balanced 20 foot jumper. It was as if something clicked in his brain that said: "I haven't had my share of shots."

If you’d like to contribute to next weeks Rankings and Irrelevant Comments just email me your submission at davebarend@yahoo.com by Tuesday night and it’ll be up on Thursday. Next Rant coming Monday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#14: Any Luster To ESPN’s Bracket Buster?

2009-02-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

My wife thinks I’m a College-Hoop-aholic. The evidence is somewhat convincing:

*On February 14th, she asked, “Do you have any idea what today is? I responded, “Yeah, it’s Wisconsin’s turn to host College GameDay.”

*When purchasing a tie last week I uncontrollably asked if it came with a matching highlighter.

*The minute the Advent Calendar comes down it’s replaced with my “Countdown to Selection Sunday.”

*I’m unable to be in bed with my wife without uttering, “Send it in big fella!”

And - I’m excited for ESPN’s upcoming Bracket Buster Weekend.

If you haven’t heard of Bracket Buster Weekend then you haven’t turned on ESPN since November. It’s 51 games between mid-major schools. Why is it called Bracket Buster? Because no one would watch if ESPN called it “Games That You Couldn’t Care Less About.”

Amongst the marquis Bracket Buster match-ups are:

Butler at Davidson – ESPN Saturday 12pm
This would be a great game if it could be rescheduled for – the 2008 season. You know, when Davidson was actually good.

Buffalo at Vermont – ESPN2 Saturday 1pm
I’m anti-UVM because of their nickname, the Catamounts. Western Carolina has had the same moniker since 1933. Vermont should really change to something that honors the state’s most famous residents: Ben & Jerry. I propose the Vermont Chunky Monkeys.

Utah State at Saint Mary’s – ESPN2 Saturday 5pm
ESPN’s web site touts this as a great chance to see St. Mary’s stellar guard, Patrick Mills. Though that’s true, the site should probably also mention that he’ll be clad in a suit and sitting on the bench. Yes, the Gale’s star player is injured. So ESPN might be better off replacing St. Mary’s with St. Clete’s School For Wayward Girls. (Most famous alum – Carla Tortelli.)

There are a few ways that ESPN could improve its Bracket Buster Weekend:

1.One Underdog Per Game – When there’s hoop on and I don’t have a clear rooting interest, I, as a red-blooded American, pull for the underdog. So, what am I supposed to do with the Bracket Buster game of Illinois State v. Niagara? It’s like if there were a wrestling match between Eva Mendes and Eva Longoria. No way to choose who to root for, so why even watch? Actually, that’s a horrible example.

2.Make It Truly Bracket Busting - You lose and you go home, for good. That’s right, the rule should be that if you lose a Bracket Buster game, your season is over. No NCAAs. No NIT. Not even that ridiculous CBI. You’re talking tons of misery for the losers. Who would want to see that? Everyone. These games would become NCAA’s version of a NASCAR pile up.

3.Bracket Busting Cheerleaders – I am always trying to find ways for more cheerleader involvement and any word that includes “bust” clearly lends itself to my goal. (God, I miss Beavis.) Here’s what I’m thinking: the cheerleaders replace their sports bras and halter tops with - a set of brackets. Wouldn’t that be quite revealing? I truly hope so. ESPN should also slightly change the name to Bracket Bustier Weekend.

Yet despite all of the problems with ESPN’s slate of games, I’m still excited to tune in this weekend because:

1.I Believe The Hype - I’ll admit I’m a sucker for a good pitch. Probably the reason why I currently own two cases of TAG body spray. But the folks at ESPN have almost complete control over my little brain. Simply put, I’m watching Bracket Busters because ESPN says I should. Heck, ESPN has gotten me to watch soccer even though I’m, well, a man.

2.I Don’t Care – Yes, I watch because I don’t care. I swear this makes sense. See, the two teams I root for in college hoops are my two alma maters: St. Bonaventure and BC. When they are playing it’s truly an un-enjoyable emotional roller coaster ride for me. Granted, with St. Bona’s that ride is usually over after about 5 minutes.

But that definitely was not the case back in March of 2000. It was Selection Sunday. I’m waiting, and hoping and praying and - then it happened: Greg Gumble said, “The next spot goes to the St. Bonaventure Bonnies.” I immediately ran around my apartment, out the door and through the streets screaming, “The Bonnies are in the Tournament!” With my arms raised in victory, I felt like the guy in Chariots of Fire. My wife, however, had a different vision. She claims I looked more like Julie Andrews in her “Hills are Alive” scene from The Sound of Music. I much prefer my recollection. Apparently the neighbors heard something all together different. See, the next day the paper comes and I’m in there. Well, sort of. In the police log it stated, “Man heard running through street yelling, ‘Johnny needs a tourniquet.’”

My beloved Bonnies drew Kentucky in the first round. After not one but two overtimes, St. Bonaventure lost. I then laid immobile on my living room floor. Phone rang but I couldn’t move. Answering machine picked up. While contemplating suicide, I heard the voice of my buddy Rick saying, “Dave, question for you. Why’d it take St. Bonaventure so long to lose? Later.”

None of that will happen with Saturday’s Northeastern-Wright State game.

If I’m honest though, the main reason that I’m watching Bracket Buster Weekend is that my wife’s right. My name is Dave Barend and I’m a College-Hoop-aholic. The evidence just keeps mounting:

*It infuriates me that not a single contestant on American Idol has chosen to sing “One Shining Moment.”

*I read everything I can about college basketball – even columns written by Doug Gottlieb.

*I think I might actually miss Billy Packer.

*I despise people who don’t watch any games all year and then win my pool.

*To me, the greatest movie of all time is the college basketball classic, “Fastbreak” staring the one and only Gabe Kaplan. Those of you who think it’s Citizen Kane are just wrong.

*I refuse to let my wife leave the bedroom without saying, “That was Awesome, baby.”

And finally - I’m truly pumped to watch Northern Iowa at Siena, which will be part of a fantastic Bracket Buster Weekend.

Take it easy,
Dave

Next set of Rankings & Irrelevant Comments coming Thursday. If you’d like to add a comment about any team, just email it to me at davebarend@yahoo.com by Tuesday night.

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 10)

2009-02-12T03:47:00.000-08:00

I give you my tenth installment of Rankings and Irrelevant Comments - more so for your entertainment than for your education.

RANKINGS
1.UConn (23-1)
Best Wins: Miami, at Gonzaga, West Virginia, Villanova, at Louisville, SU
Losses: Georgetown

My Irrelevant Comment:
I swear I’ve seen Hasheen Thabeet miss at least three dunks this year. The guy is 7’3”. Him missing a dunk is almost as unfathomable as Rick Majueris missing a meal.

2.Oklahoma (22-1)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas
Loss: at Arkansas

My Irrelevant Comment:
When you think of Oklahoma you probably don’t think of basketball. Unless maybe you’re from Oklahoma. But, then in that case, you’re probably not thinking at all.

3.North Carolina (20-2)
Best wins: Michigan State, Notre Dame, Clemson, at Duke
Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest

My Irrelevant Comment:
I tried to explain to my 6-year old the difference between North Carolina and NC State. I told her that they are both public schools, but North Carolina is much harder to get into than North Carolina State. And she said, “Oh, so in North Carolina, ‘state’ means dumb.”

4.Pitt (20-2)
Best wins: Florida State, at Georgetown, Syracuse, ND, WV
Loss: at Louisville, at Villanova

My Irrelevant Comment:
Fans of opposing teams have allegedly taken to calling Levance Fields, Sally. That’s just mean. I really hope he hits a game winner some day, then grabs the microphone and yells, “You like me. You really like me.”

5.Louisville (18-4)
Best Wins: at Villanova, Kentucky, Pitt, ND, at SU
Losses: Western Kentucky, UNLV, Minnesota, UConn

My Irrelevant Comment:
Whenever I hear Edgar Sosa’s name I always think of Keyser Soze from “Usual Suspects”. I guess they do kind of sound the same. And then there’s freshman Kyle Kuric. When I hear his name I can’t help but think of – Dan Rather.

6.UCLA (19-4)
Best Wins: USC, Cal, Arizona, ND
Losses: Michigan, Texas, ASU, Washington

My Irrelevant Comment:
Coach Ben Howland came to LA after spending 4 years at Pittsburgh. That’s like moving to paradise after spending 4 years in, well, Pittsburgh.

7.Wake Forest (18-4)
Best Wins; Baylor, BYU, UNC, at Clemson, Duke
Loss: Virginia Tech, Miami, Georgia Tech, NC State

My Irrelevant Comment:
Wake’s sophomore forward James Johnson is a martial arts specialist. He’s also in a bit of a shooting slump. This begs the question: Can he break more bricks than he shoots?

8.Clemson (20-3)
Best Wins: at Illinois, at Miami, South Carolina, Duke
Loss: Wake Forest, UNC, Florida St.

My Irrelevant Comment:
Terrence Oglesby is one of the best 3-point shooters in the country. It’s amazing that he was an un-recruited walk-on. Makes me think I should apply for job as a recruiter. I have no experience, so my resume would simply be one line: I’m not one of the idiots who missed out on Oglesby.

9.Memphis (21-3)
Best wins: at Gonzaga, Cincinnati, Tennessee
Losses: Xavier, Georgetown, SU

My Irrelevant Comment
Forward Pierre Henderson-Niles has lost a staggering 40-plus pounds since September. Though I don’t know if it’s actually “lost” because I can still see it – around the waistline of Coach Calipari.

10. Duke (20-4)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Georgetown
Loss: Michigan, Wake Forest, at Clemson, UNC

My Irrelevant Comment:
The Blue Devils play in Cameron Indoor Stadium. Isn’t the “Indoor” part kind of implied? You know, by the existence of the walls and the roof.

MOST OVERRATED TEAM

Marquette
I sense a pretty hard fall is coming. Check out the end of Marquette’s schedule: UConn, Louisville, Pitt, and SU. Wow! And by “Wow” I don’t mean that’s exciting. No, I mean “Wow” as if I just saw Kathy Griffin without make-up.

MOST UNDERRATED TEAM

Utah State
Only blemish on the record is a 5-point loss to BYU. That’s thanks in large part to 26-year old Gary Wilkinson. He claims he feels old around his teammates. Woe is you Gary. I’m now at the age where I can’t even remember when 26 seemed old.

OTHER OPINIONS
Bill Sullivan – Notre Dame: I cannot take Notre Dame losing 7 in a row, so I am taking drastic measures and I am not going to watch anymore college basketball until the Irish win again. So let me know how this year's March Madness goes and see you all next December.

Ken Robbins - Memphis: The Tigers are overrated. Though Dave’s early season prediction that they’ll make it to the Final 4 with an unfair home court advantage may prove true. Sure hope their coach learns how to take time-outs this post-season so he survives that long.

If you’d like to contribute to next weeks Rankings and Irrelevant Comments just email me your comments by Wednesday night at davebarend@yahoo.com.

Also, please check out collegehoopsnet.com where you will not only find more of me (starting sometime this week), but a whole lot of other info on college hoops as well.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#13: I'll Be "Dancing" With Myself

2009-02-08T16:53:00.000-08:00

Though I live in the Boston area, I’m not going to the NCAA Tourney games at The Garden. Why? For one, if you’ve never been to Boston, it’s much like NYC, but without all the easy-to-find parking spots. Beantown used to have plenty of parking – in 1776. So yeah, there’s an abundance of on-street parking assuming that your mode of transportation is an Appaloosa.

I guess I’d go if I got great seats. Something in the rafters would be perfect. Well, not actually “in” the rafters– but harnessed to the rafters and dangling down, hovering above the court. Like that scene from Mission Impossible. Except instead of Tom Cruise, it’d be me – a guy with a somewhat erratic bladder.

I could also be convinced to take a seat at center court. I mean dead center, in the middle of the actual court. Yes, that seat would be worth the parking hassle. I figure they already have advertising on the court, why not spectators? Or more specifically, just one spectator - me. It’d really allow me to promote this site. You know, like those boxers with their temporary tattoos. Just rather than having Golden Palace.com across my back, I’d have DaveBarendsColegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com. Yeah, I’m going to have to get a bigger back.

Honestly, I will be more than content watching the games Macualay Caulkin style – home alone. I truly prefer to remain in complete solitude during March Madness. I don’t even want to take a phone call. In 3 weeks the message on my answering machine will say: “Hi. You’ve reached the Barend residence. It’s March. The Tournament is on. What the hell are you thinking? Hang up the phone, turn on your TV, and call back in April.”

There are really so many positives about watching the games alone, like:

*When I order pizza there’s no worry that someone else is going to get that extra big slice.

*Belching is not only accepted, it’s encouraged.

*When I yell, “Come on, I could have made that shot”, there’s nobody sitting nearby with knowledge that that is definitely not true.

*I don’t have to fear ridicule if I want to quickly change the channel to see what’s going on with The Gilmore Girls.

*I never have to hear anyone say, “For the love of God, please put your shoes back on.”

*There’s no compulsion to wear underwear.

*Nobody knows if the coaching moves I blurt out are actually dumber than Boeheim’s.

*Deodorant, shaving, showering – all optional.

*I never have to share the remote. The Freudian phallic extension is all mine.

There are actually a few people with whom I wouldn’t mind watching the Tournament:

1.Elvis: Yes, I’d gladly allow the King to watch hoop with me. This may prove to be unlikely, you know, given that he’s dead. But I still hold out hope as evidenced by my EBay purchase of a recording made last year of a conversation between him and Jim Morrison.

2.My Dad – But only if he has money on the games. There are few things I enjoy more than watching my 70-year old father come to the brink of a coronary when bad coaching costs him some dough. See, my dad’s not just Old-School. He’s “Old Nun Smashing Knuckles With Ruler-School”. He still thinks everyone should know how to shoot a hook shot. He actually taught me the hook shot before I could make a lay-up. All right, that’s not completely true. I never learned how to make a lay up.

3.The Hooters Girls – Gorgeous women who are skilled at serving – yeah, they are more than welcome. They may, however, have a problem getting past the bouncer – a.k.a. my wife.

I thought about putting President Obama on the list. He seems pretty knowledgeable about hoops. But if there’s one thing everybody can agree on about #44, he likes to talk. And talk and talk. So, I’d feel pretty bad if I had to say, “Mr. President, any chance you could shut the hell up?” I’d feel bad not just ‘cause I would have insulted the President of The United States, but because some secret service guy would probably be dragging me out by my nostrils.

There is one person who I have little choice but to watch the games with – my wife. After many years, I’ve finally figured out how to convince her to let me watch the Big Dance in peace. Below is an example of the interchange during our conversations:

Wife: I can’t believe this game isn’t over.
Wife: I thought we were going to watch “27 Dresses” tonight.
Wife: Why is it called charging? He’s not purchasing anything.
Wife: It says 5 minutes is left. That means a half hour, doesn’t it?
Wife: Let’s just change the channel. I know you want to see what’s happening with the Gilmore Girls.
Wife: Wait a second. They just called time out. Why would they call another one?
Wife: Aren’t foul shots supposed to be easy?
Wife: Why did the announcer say “With the Kiss”?
Wife: Oh geez, there’s the cheerleaders. Why do they even need them?
Wife: You know those boobs are fake.
Wife: I can tell what you’re thinking, “Who cares.” You’re disgusting.
Wife: He said it again, “The Kiss”. Oh, we should kiss every time he says that.
Wife: Ewww. What smells?
Wife: Oh my God, did you – that just stinks - I’m out of here.

Ahhh. Time to pull out a stogie and cue up that Mission Impossible theme song. Or better yet, a little Billy Idol, cause I’m going to be “Dancing with Myself.”

Take it easy,
Dave

Next set of Rankings and Irrelevant Comments coming Thursday.

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 9)

2009-02-05T03:48:00.000-08:00

Below is my ninth attempt at Ranking the Top 10 accompanied by some Irrelevant Comments. Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed Duke's loss to Clemson.

RANKINGS
1.UConn (21-1)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin, at Gonzaga, West Virginia, Villanova, at Louisville
Losses: Georgetown

My Irrelevant Comment:
Coach Calhoun tries hard to exude class. He wears a nice suit, puts on a decent tie, dons a shined pair of shoes and then tops it all off - with a mouth full of Hubba Bubba.

2.Oklahoma (21-1)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas
Loss at Arkansas

My Irrelevant Comment:
Oklahoma just beat Texas A&M. Do you think that school goes with “A&M” because adding Agriculture and Mining is just too long? I actually think it uses “A&M” because it’s hoping and praying that prospective students will think those letters stand for something else – anything else.

3.North Carolina (19-2)
Best wins: Michigan State, Notre Dame, Clemson
Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest

My Irrelevant Comment:
Last week I heard an announcer say that Danny Green jumps like he has springs in his sneakers. When I was a kid I actually did put springs in my sneakers. Well, I tried, but all I could find was a couple Slinkeys. Yeah, that didn’t work out as hoped. All that happened was an uncontrollable urge to summersault.

4.Pitt (19-2)
Best wins: Florida State, at Georgetown, Syracuse, ND
Loss: at Louisville, at Villanova

My Irrelevant Comment: Pitt’s ferocious, hard-hitting defense is quite unique. Well, come to think of it, there is another team with a similar style - The Steelers.

5.Louisville (17-4)
Best Wins: at Villanova, Kentucky, Pitt, ND, at SU
Losses: Western Kentucky, UNLV, Minnesota, UConn

My Irrelevant Comment:
When Louisville prints Freedom Hall, the name of its arena, it uses a basketball in place of the letter “o” in Freedom - signifying the importance of that sport to the school. I think they should mix it up a bit. Like, to signify the unimportance of academics, the school could replace the “o” in Freedom with a “u”.

6.Marquette (19-2)
Best Wins: Wisconsin, Villanova, West Virginia, ND, Georgetown
Losses: Dayton, Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment: Did you see Coach Buzz Williams in the Super Bowl ad? It was the one for Bridgestone. Come on, you have to remember. He was the one driving the car with Mrs. Potato Head.

7.Wake Forest (17-2)
Best Wins; Baylor, BYU, UNC, at Clemson, Duke
Loss: Virginia Tech, Miami

My Irrelevant Comment:
Wake Forest’s Jeff Teague got completely spun around by Georgia Tech’s quick dribbling Iman Shumpert. Haven’t seen someone that dizzy since Cloris Leachman’s attempt at the Cha-Cha.

8.Xavier (19-2)
Best Wins: Missouri, Memphis, LSU
Losses: Duke, Butler

My Irrelevant Comment:
Xavier and Wake Forest have agreed to a yearly match-up. There are going to call it The Skip Prosser Classic. That’s a great decision. Much better than their back up plan – The Skip Bayless Classic.

9.Clemson (19-2)
Best Wins: at Illinois, at Miami, South Carolina, Duke
Loss: Wake Forest, UNC

My Irrelevant Comment:
During the Clemson-Virginia Tech game, Bobby Knight stated, “Malcolm Delaney is like a good looking Miss America.” Has there ever been a non-good looking Miss America? In fact, I’m pretty sure that Malcolm Delaney would be the ugliest Miss America of all time. You know, ‘cause he’s a dude.

10. Duke (19-3)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Georgetown
Loss: Michigan, Wake Forest, at Clemson

My Irrelevant Comment:
Like many schools, Duke named its court after its coach. St. Louis is planning something similar for Rick Majerus, but instead of the court they’re going with the Jumbo Tron.

MOST OVERRATED TEAM

Bobby Knight
Yeah, I usually pick a team here, but Knight’s color commentary is too ripe to pass up. In addition to the ridiculous comment mentioned above, he also tried to figure how much time had elapsed during a play by counting aloud while watching a replay. Amazingly that’s not the stupid part. The stupid part is that he did this while the replay was in slow motion.

MOST UNDERRATED TEAM

Northeastern
The Huskies are 15-6 and in first place in the CAA. I love to see Massachusetts teams do well. Gives me hope that maybe a couple folks in the area might actually start following college hoops. But, somehow Northeastern is only ranked 6th. No, not in the country, but in its hometown of Roxbury.

OTHER OPINIONS

Mike Hurley – Illinois: Being an alum of the Univ. of Illinois, I am intrigued by the Big 10 and U of I in particular. If you get a chance to look into it, can you figure out why this team is good. They don't have any good scorers, (none average more than 13 points) and they are mostly a bunch of sophomores. On a follow up questions, why can't Weber recruit (he is a great coach), and why can't their football coach coach (he is a great recruiter)? Maybe the two of them could be co-coaches for f-ball and basketball. Zook could do all the recruiting and Weber could coach. (Zook will have to give the inspirational speeches, since Weber's voice sounds like some kind of muppet).

Mike Wood – UMass: UMass has Gaffney - one of the top reb and shot blockers in the country at only 6'8" and 208. He is my sleeper for this year. He came out of nowhere after playing his first two yrs at BU.

Ken Robbins – Notre Dame: Loved your Cheech & Chong Up in Smoke comment in last week’s Rankings about ND & McAlarney.....but it appears Up in Smoke also has reference to America's fav speedo boy - M Phelps too!!

Bill Sullivan – Marquette, Georgetown & Beer: Just returned from road trip to Milwaukee for the Marquette-Georgetown game. Impressions: Marquette will be tough down the stretch but really only has 4 quality players so depth a problem. but what defense they can play. Jerel McNeal is playing like an All American. Georgetown has ridiculous talent, hard to believe they are not better. More importantly, Calderone's Pub and Turner's Bar are great pre and post game spots in Milwaukee and Soblemans is the spot for the town's best burger and coldest beer.

Harold Barend – Duke, Notre Dame & Tattoos: This year, when it comes to picking teams for the Final Four, I think I'll just throw darts. Just when I thought I had it all figured out Duke loses by 20 to Clemson and Wake Forest gets pummeled by Miami and Notre Dame loses another. The coaches on the Duke bench never smile when they win so you can picture how they looked when the camera panned the bench during this game. I thought they were the pallbearers for a funeral and I guess they were. As for Notre Dame, I think they get the short end from the referees. The opposing teams realize the refs are not calling the bumping and holding--so much for the three.

Despite being laden with tattoos Devendorf played great for Syracuse. Every time I watch Syracuse play, I see a tattoo I haven't seen before. When I played in the 50s, if you wore a tattoo you either played for the jail or the playground team. No high school or college coach would have you representing their school. Today it is all about winning and money.

If you’d like to contribute to next Thursday’s Rankings & Irrelevant Comments, just email me by Wednesday night at davebarend@yahoo.com. Rant #13 coming Monday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#12: No More Hoop-TV For Me

2009-02-02T03:20:00.000-08:00

My wife likes to describe me as: stressed, humorous and prone to protracted bathroom visits. She claims I go in the bathroom just to hide. That’s not true. I go in there to read too.

Yes, there’s basically a library next to my commode. Last check I have an SI, an ESPN Magazine, 3 Pre-season College Basketball guides, a copy of Ulysses (with a bookmark shoved between pages 4 and 5) and an edition of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. Pretty sure I’ve been sweating the small stuff since my first communal shower after 7th grade gym class.

There’s also a 3-inch hand held RCA antenna TV. You know, so I can keep up with my soaps. Come on. Do I strike you as a fan of General Hospital? I assure you I could care less. Though I may just kill myself if things don’t work out for Luke and Laura.

The little TV is there for one reason – college basketball viewing during “emergencies.” Like when I try to watch triple overtime though it was back at the half when my chili kicked in.

You might wonder why, in those circumstances, I don’t just record the end of the games. That’s because my DVR is perpetually filled with multiple seasons of Desperate Housewives and Dora The Explorer. That may beg the question: Who wears the pants in the house? Answer: nobody. It’s filled with women – sadly, me included. (I have, however, often thought that Dora should do little exploring down Wysteria Lane. Maybe then she’d realize that she could stand to shed a few pounds.)

Using my little TV works just fine. Well, that is until February 18th. That’s the very sad day when analog antenna reception will no longer exist. You may have seen the advertisements about how the switch to digital will definitely not affect you. They need to amend that and add, “unless you have digestive issues.”

But on Tuesday there was fabulous news – Senator Rockefeller of West Virginia had passed a bill delaying the conversion until well after March Madness. Reportedly, more time was needed to help people with obsolete TVs. That’s just spin. Real reason: Senator Rockefeller is both a Mountaineers basketball fan and a sufferer of irritable bowl syndrome.

So I was euphoric – until Wednesday, when the bill was rejected by the morons in the House. Sorry for the redundancy.

This has left me quite depressed. My little TV was actually a gift from my wife and I must say it was the best gift ever. In fact, Lexus should really put me in one of their commercials during the NCAA Tourney. You know, the ones where a little kid is with a Big Wheel, or an Atari, or a pony and says it was the “best gift ever.” Yeah, they could have me with my little TV sitting on – yeah, that probably wouldn’t help sell cars.

But it’s not just the bathroom where this TV has been needed. In March 2004, I was lying on the couch and enjoying some prime time NCAA Tourney action when in walked my wife. She looked like death and said she was going to the hospital. Like a good husband, my immediate reaction was to say, “So, should I order pizza or do you think you’ll be back to make dinner?” I stand by the appropriateness of that response. She said “she” was going to the hospital not “we”.

I trucked her to the ER and the doctors swooped her up as if she’d been a gunshot victim. That left poor me in a waiting room filled with people glued to TNT – aka the “Law and Order” channel. Luckily, I came equipped with my 3-inch RCA and I didn’t miss a minute. 4 hours later the doctors brought me to her room. My wife’s was lying there, and with a tear coming down her face she said, “They say it’s double pneumonia. I can’t leave for at least another 2 hours.” I said, “Don’t worry honey. I have my little TV.”

The following year my sister set her wedding for Championship Weekend. As this was during Lent, she could only have the ceremony on that date with permission from the Bishop. Amazingly, the Bishop opted to allow the wedding to take place despite my incessant phone calls citing Canon Law. Even more mind-boggling was that this was taking place in Indiana. How could the Hoosier State sanction any marriage during March Madness?

My initial idea was to try to find a way to postpone the wedding. I knew who I had to contact – Digger Phelps. Many years back he had taken my sister to dinner. Maybe he still held a torch for her. Maybe he’d make a call. Maybe the wedding could get shelved. Maybe he could get me some tickets to the Tourney. So I found his e-mail address and told him what was going on. About 5 days later I got a response - an advertisement for his book: “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Basketball by Digger Phelps.” In the entire history of publishing there has never been a more appropriate title.

Once again, I had to rely on my mini TV. With the entire wedding party circled around my little 3-inch screen, the priest walks in the vestibule and says, “It’s time to go. Oh wow, is that the Louisville game?” Sure is Father, and there’s 2 minutes left. During that “2 minutes”, the violinist must have gone through a dozen renditions of Pachelbel’s Cannon D. When the game ended there was an unmistakable grin on the face of the priest. Some think he had money on the game. Others think he was just enjoying the camera shots of the ball boys. All I could think was, thank God for my little TV.

Next year, I’m back in the hospital again with my wife. This time for the birth of our second child. I really can’t blame her for this one though. Nope, the fault lies completely with my neighbor. Once again, I think clarification may be called for. On the previous Father’s Day, I yell to my neighbor, “Happy Father’s Day, Andy.” He yells back, “Same to you. Be the King!” So I thought, yeah, I should be the king. And later that night, my wife, well, let me be the king. Exactly nine months later we’re in the maternity ward – during round 3 of the NCAA Tournament. Lesson to be learned: 9 months from Father’s Day is the NCAA Tournament.

Didn’t matter though, I had my mini TV and saw every second of the Tournament. I also got to see one of life’s true miracles – Duke losing.

But without my TV, I would have missed that precious moment. And after February 18t,h, my Hoop TV will be no more. I have tried to come up with some solutions for this year’s Tourney.

1.Avoid All Bran Products – This will not only lead to less voyages to the toilet, but it will eliminate any interruption of the games by my wife. See, her maiden name is Bran. Come to think of it, so to is the last name of my mother-in-law. It’s actually spelled Brann – second “n” needed for the extra “nagging.” But not during the Tourney this year. When she calls I can honestly say, “Sorry, can’t talk, I’ve cut out Brann”

2.Get A Laptop – A computer with access to CBS’ Internet coverage could work. But the thought of that reminds of an interview I once saw on 20/20 of Whoppi Goldberg. I swear to God, there was a shot of her playing a xylophone while - on the John. That’s an image I don’t need reinforced. It also brings a whole different meaning to the title of her show – “The View”

3.Put Cable In The Commode –When my wife and I bought our house we could not agree as to what should go into the bathroom. I wanted cable. She wanted potpourri and little annoying unusable towels. So we compromised and went with - potpourri and those little annoying unusable towels. Such is married life.

4.Buy The Converter Box – Hmmm. The only problem is the box needs to be plugged in. So, if I were to go out to dinner how would that work? Ahh. Just bring an extension cord with me. And a sedative for my wife.

5. Write My Congressman – The news reports note that there is still time for another bill to pass before the end of analog kicks in on February 18 – or, as I like to call it Armageddon. I’ve, therefore, written the following letter to my congressman: Representative James McGovern.

Dear Congressman McGovern,

I’m a huge college basketball fan. I also have digestive problems. Why am I telling you this? See, on February 18th the analog signal needed to operate my little 3-inch TV will cease. And so will my ability to watch the NCAA Tournament when nature calls.

So I’m begging you Congressman, please re-introduce some legislation that will delay the switch to digital TV until after the Tournament. Now some people might think I should be writing to you about the economy. But you folks on Capitol Hill clearly have that all figured out.

In return for your efforts, I promise the votes of every one of my readers. Though I should reveal that only two of them live in your district. I could instead offer you free entry into my NCAA pool. Unless participating in an arguably illegal contest of betting on collegiate athletics might reflect poorly on your image. If so, let me know. Then I’ll just funnel some of the proceeds from my pool to your campaign fund.

Sincerely,
Dave Barend

Yes, I actually did forward this letter on to the Congressman. So please keep your fingers crossed that the February date will get postponed. Or at least hope that my letter doesn’t constitute some Federal crime.

Take it easy,
Dave

A special thanks to Suzanne Hinckley for her General Hospital knowledge.

Next set of Rankings and Irrelevant Comments coming Thursday. If you’d like to contribute an opinion on any college hoop team, just email me your comment by Wednesday night to davebarend@yahoo.com.

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 8)

2009-01-29T03:58:00.000-08:00

Below is Take #8 of my Rankings and Irrelevant Comments. Thank God for Wake Forest and its big win last night. I almost had to put Duke #1.

RANKINGS

1.UConn (18-1)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin, at Gonzaga, West Virginia, Villanova
Losses: Georgetown

My Irrelevant Comment:
Towards the end of the UConn-ND game, Dick Vitale stated that Kentucky held the longest home wining streak. I then yelled, “Please say who’s #2! Please!” There was a pause. Then Dickie V said, “And #2 is the St. Bonaventure Bonnies with 99 in a row.” God bless that bald headed, one-eyed man.

I jumped out of my chair and did a dance of joy for my beloved alma mater. Yeah, you know things haven’t been going well lately when such excitement is caused by an event that dates back to 1948.

2.Wake Forest (17-1)
Best Wins; Baylor, BYU, UNC, at Clemson, Duke
Loss: Virginia Tech

My Irrelevant Comment:
When I told my daughter that Wake Forest’s Al-Farouq Aminu and Georgia Tech’s Alade Aminu are brothers she replied, “Oh, just like the Jonas Brothers.” Yeah, just like the Jonas brothers. Except the Aminu brothers don’t make you want to grab a fork and gouge out your eardrums.

3.Oklahoma (19-1)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas
Loss at Arkansas

My Irrelevant Comment:
Blake Griffen was home schooled till he was about 13. And I bet you thought it was his huge wingspan that made him a freak.

4.Pitt (18-2)
Best wins: Florida State, at Georgetown, Syracuse
Loss: at Louisville, at Villanova

My Irrelevant Comment:
Despite a 29-point margin of victory, over Vermont, Pitt’s coach did not give senior Sean Brown a single minute of playing time. Though that’s kind of sad, it does finally put to rest the question, “What can Brown do for you?”

5. Duke (18-2)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Georgetown
Loss: Michigan, Wake Forest

My Irrelevant Comment:
I didn’t realize that the reason Coach K always has that clipboard covering his face is because he doesn’t want the cameras to catch him swearing. I just thought it was because he’s ugly.

6.North Carolina (18-2)
Best wins: Michigan State, Notre Dame, Clemson
Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest

My Irrelevant Comment:
Ty Lawson can supposedly go coast to coast in less than three seconds. Amazing. I can’t think of anything I can do in under-3 seconds. Wait a minute. My wife seems to be raising her hand. She claims to know of something I can do in under-3 seconds.

7.Louisville (15-3)
Best Wins: at Villanova, Kentucky, Pitt, ND, at SU
Losses: Western Kentucky, UNLV, Minnesota

My Irrelevant Comment:
Do you think that Pitino is really trying to get his players’ attention when he stomps his foot on the floor? Or is he just having problems with his switch from boxers to briefs?

8.Marquette (17-2)
Best Wins: Wisconsin, Villanova, West Virginia, ND
Losses: Dayton, Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment: A few years back, Marquette went the politically correct route and changed its nickname from the Warriors to the Golden Eagles. They could have easily kept the Warriors as the nickname. They just needed to dump the Native American mascot and, instead, go with a Patty Smyth mascot. You know, one who would be “shooting at the walls of heartache, bang, bang.”

9. Michigan State (16-3)
Best Wins: Texas, Minn., Ohio St., Kansas, Illinois
Losses: Maryland, UNC, Northwestern

My Irrelevant Comment:
I keep hearing ESPN announcers say that Michigan State is likely headed to the Final 4. Those announcers always feel compelled to add that the Spartans would then be playing for the Championship at home in Detroit. This has led the school to print T-shirts that say: East Lansing is a very long 90 miles away from Detroit.

10.Clemson (16-2)
Best Wins: at Illinois, at Miami, Alabama
Loss: Wake Forest, UNC

My Irrelevant Comment:
Though Forward Raymond Sykes has a near out of control playing style, he’s had 9 double doubles this year. Those are games where he’s scored at least 10 points and tallied at least 10 fouls.

MOST OVERRATED TEAM

Notre Dame
Got to stick it to the Irish once again. 12-7 and ranked #22 just isn’t right. While watching their losing effort against Marquette, I noticed that McAlarney is a dead ringer for one of the guys from “Hoosiers”. I hear when he’s off the court he’s a dead ringer for one of the guys from “Cheech & Chong’s Up in Smoke.”

Honorable Mention

St. Bonaventure
People had been saying that my Bonnies have “turned the corner.” Then last night they lost to Fordham at home. Maybe they have turned the corner – three times and all immediate lefts.

MOST UNDERRATED TEAM

St. Mary’s
18-1 and ranked #18. Maybe they’d be ranked higher if they went with a “higher” name. St. Mary’s is named for St. Mary. Much like St. Joseph’s is named for St. Joseph and well, you get it. Just wondering why none of those Catholics schools decided to go to the top and name themselves after Jesus. University of Jesus. That would allow the players on the team to state with absolute certainty, “I play for Jesus”. Going with “University of Jesus” would also seem to give that school a huge advantage over the Duke Blue Devils. I guess it could be Jesus University instead. But then you’d have JU for short and that might not clearly portray Catholicism.

OTHER OPINIONS

Bill Sullivan: Marquette - I am willing to be a roving reporter for your blog and am heading out to sunny Milwaukee to evaluate the Marquette Warriors and the Georgetown Hoyas. I will try to avoid having too many beers and brats out there so that I can provide clear analysis, but I cannot promise too much self control having been out there before. There are no places like the Hickey Tavern or the Burton, but they have Sobelman's, Turners and Major Goolsby's. Tough job but I will do my best.

Paul Joseph: Maryland - The Terps have no business playing Division I hoops. I'm sure they are nice guys and can do other things with their lives, but basketball is not one of them. The public sniping between Gary and the AD staff is painful to watch and not how I expected or hoped Gary would ride off into the sunset.

Mike Wood: Marquette & Notre Dame - I like Marquette’s top three players & the big guy at ND is a beast.

Harold Barend: Duke, SU & Louisville –
Even though Duke lost to Wake Forest (big and bigger) by two points at Wake, I am convinced Duke will be in the Final Four. Who goes to number one? Despite their lost to Wake, I think Duke should stay at number one. They have the best team in college basketball--unfortunately, they only clicked on two cylinders against Wake. It will be interesting to see how well Wake plays on the road against teams in the top of the ACC. I wish Mike K. would smile.

How about Syracuse--the Orange is getting crushed. Hopefully this will not be a repeat of the stretch of games when Andy Rautins was recovering from a previous injury. If so, Syracuse will be lucky to get an invitation to the NIT.

Louisville should also get to the final four-- depending on how they are bracketed. Explosive and great defense. They are ugly to watch but on the positive side at the end of the game. Rick Patino can usually find a way to win.

Daniel Palmisano: Binghamton - Dave, Binghamton (BU) got beat last nite by UMBC. How come you never write about BU? For example, one of the players had an incident at the Vestal Walmart. If BU wins its conference its in the NCAA. Good luck with your blog.

If you’d like to contribute an opinion on any college hoop team for next Thursday’s post, just email me your comment by Wednesday night to davebarend@yahoo.com. New Rant coming sometime on Monday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#11: How About a Div1 Cyber School?

2009-01-25T16:45:00.000-08:00

I have an idea. Let’s create on an on-line college with a Division 1 basketball team. I say “let’s” because my computer skills are non-existent. The instructions for this blog indicated that a monkey could get it going in a half hour - it took me three days. I remain hopeful that someday I’ll figure out how to include photos and maybe, just maybe, some color. I like to say that I’m kicking it old school. I’d like saying that more if describing a blog as “old school” made any sense.

Anyway, this idea for a Div1 on-line hoop squad is chock full of positives:

1.Low Overhead - Or better put, no overhead. The way I see it, the only drain on our profits will be the cost of bus tickets to get our 12 players to the games. What do we do if our point guard lives in Spokane and there’s a game in Miami? Tell him to leave early.

Wait a minute. We really only need 5 players. To be safe we could go with six. Wow, in a matter of seconds I just cut our expenses in half. I am clearly a budgetary genius. If only Henry Paulson had given me a call.

2.Practice Optional - As for practice, I see two alternatives. One is just don’t practice. You know, the Allen Iverson approach. University of North Florida practiced every day last year and won a whopping 3 games. How much worse could we be if we don’t practice at all?

Other option is to set up a virtual practice with each player showing up as one of those CNN Election night holograms. Though I’m not sure if a hologram could catch a chest pass.

3.Home Away From Home - The lack of a home arena may seem like an issue. And I’ll concede that our student section will be quite sparse. It’ll pretty much consist of the players on the bench. Given that I just cut that down to one guy, we’ll have to make sure he’s really vocal.

But take the Harlem Globetrotters. They don’t have a home court and everyone loves them. We will be the Globetrotters of college hoops. Well, maybe more like that team that the Globetrotters always beat, the Washington Generals. Yes, we’ll be the Washington Generals of college basketball. But we might not want to make that our motto.

Now, if we eventually want to have our own arena, we could. As an on-line school, we can put it anywhere. This is something non-on-line schools can’t do. Like the University of Utah. That school is forever stuck in the hell that is Utah. We don’t have that problem.

4.Class Attendance Ease: Other schools are always suspending players for skipping class. That will never be an issue for us. If anyone ever asks one of our players when he was last at class, all he has to do is open his lap top and say, “Right now.”

5.Recruiting – Now you might be thinking, “How can we get a kid to play for us when he could play for a school like Duke instead? That’s simple. We can’t. Nor can most of the other 347 Div1 schools. NJIT lost 51 straight games before finally wining last week. Yet they get players to go there. Or imagine trying to recruit for Bryant – that’s the school that just lost to NJIT. “Come play for us. We lost to the team that never wins.”

But being a cyber school provides some unique recruiting advantages. The fact that the players will be living at home gives us a great pitch line: “You’ll get a home cooked meal every night.”

We’d also be able to recruit in the biggest untapped source of basketball talent – America’s prison system. It’s really only game time that they’d have to be out of shackles. We just have to convince a warden to grant some furloughs.

There are a few decisions that need to be made. Such as the degrees we’d offer, our name, and the team’s nickname.

Degrees Offered:

1.Basket weaving – No other course of study has been more maligned than basket weaving. I took a look at a basket the other day, and that weaving is intricate. I’m not confident that our players would be able achieve the necessary weaving skills. We might want to instead go with bag making. Or better yet, bag filling – you know, the grocery store style.

2.Welding – This subject took a hit a few years back when my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies claimed that one of its players had a 2-year degree when he only had a welding certificate. I think that the welding player didn’t get enough credit for his expertise. I went to college for 4 years, then law school for 3 more and I can’t weld to save my life.

Moreover, last week two different Massachusetts residents burned down their homes while trying to use a blowtorch. This proves either a) welding is not easy or b) I’m not the only idiot in Massachusetts. Just to be safe, if we go with welding we should probably make sure that none of our players is from The Bay State.

Name For Cyber School:

Something mythological would be appropriate, given that we’re kind of a farce. I’ve always liked that firebird called the Phoenix. So I came up with Phoenix College. But, amazingly, there’s another on-line school with almost the same name.

There’s actually a whole bunch of these colleges. One’s called CTU. Jack Bauer must be the dean. Another’s Graceland University. Upon graduation all students receive a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Then there’s Bellevue U. They took Stanford’s mantra of Knowledge is Power and gave it a twist: Prozac is Power.

I say with go with University of USA. Everyone already knows our chant. (U-S-A! U-S-A!) And we’ll get free publicity at each Olympics.

Nicknames:

The Bloggers – I figure instead of having “Nike” on the jerseys, we could go with “DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com.” Or maybe not.

The Virus – I’m just not sure we’d find someone to dress up as the mascot. It’s one thing to run around as a bulldog or a bird, but quite another to be – vomit.

The Spam – Loved this one until I realized our team color would have to be pink.

The Tangled Web – I originally thought this was a clever use of a Shakespearean line. Minor problem though, “tangled web” wasn’t written by Shakespeare. (Thank God for Google. That might have been embarrassing.) So instead of being Shakespearean, it’s really just pretentious. And that’s not the University of USA.

Nope, my vote for a nickname is the Non-Hypocrites. As opposed to other schools we aren’t going to pretend to be something we’re not. We were created for one reason – to make money from our team. Other schools just don’t admit it. Really, would University of Kentucky even exist if it ended its basketball team? You can bet Ashley Judd wouldn’t be showing up for the calculus lectures.

We also won’t lie about our ability to win as opposed to say Long Island University. According to its media guide for this season, it anticipated being a “contender”. On Saturday that school lost to Bryant. Yeah that’s right, Bryant - the team that lost to the team that never wins. I guess Long Island has the same definition of “contender” as Ralph Nader.

We, however, will flat out tell our players that it will take a miracle for us to compete. But the thing is, people love rooting for miracles. I kind of remember a big one involving a hockey team in 1980. People eat that crap up. I see dollar signs and I hear chanting. U-S-A! U-S-A! The Non-Hypocrites - America’s team.

So, come on, let’s do this. I’ll provide the blogging and you’ll, well, you’ll have to do everything else.

Take it easy,
Dave

Thanks again to Johnny Cusanno for his editing assitance.

Next set of Rankings and Irrelevant Comments will be up on Thursday. If you'd like to submit your comments about the most overrated or underrated team of the week, just email me by Wednesday night at davebarend@yahoo.com.

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 7)

2009-01-22T03:28:00.000-08:00

I was really looking forward to beginning this post with a re-cap of my beloved St. Bonaventure Bonnies’ big win over Xavier last night. Didn’t quite work out. They were a mere 20 points short. Anyway, here’s Take #7 of my Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More.

RANKINGS

1.UConn (17-1)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin, at Gonzaga, West Virginia, Villanova
Losses: Georgetown

My Irrelevant Comment:
Whenever I hear a reference to Coach Jim Calhoun, I can’t help but envision Haystacks Calhoun – former WWF champ who weighed in at 600lbs. But not when I actually see the coach. Then I usually envision - a used car salesman.

2.Pitt (17-1)
Best wins: Florida State, at Georgetown, Syracuse
Loss: at Louisville

My Irrelevant Comment:
While Pitt’s Coach Jamie Dixon was a TV actor during his childhood, Memphis Coach John Calapari is hoping to start an acting career. He apparently is vying for one of two roles in the upcoming Sopranos Movie: Fat Guy#1 or Fat Guy #2.

3.Oklahoma (17-1)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas
Loss at Arkansas

My Irrelevant Comment:
Last week I heard an announcer say, “Oklahoma is the class of the Big 12”. And there you have it - the first time in history that the word “class” has been used to describe anything associated with the state of Oklahoma.”

4.Wake Forest (16-1)
Best Wins; Baylor, BYU, UNC, at Clemson
Loss: Virginia Tech

My Irrelevant Comment:
Wake Forest’s arena is called the Lawrence Joel Coliseum. Who’s Lawrence Joel? I’m guessing the love child of Lawrence Welk and Billy Joel.

5. Duke (16-1)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Georgetown
Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment:
Greg Paulus is a decent player, but his basketball skills do not nearly match his ability to be annoying. So he likely won’t play pro, but he is more than qualified to write a college hoop humor blog.

6.North Carolina (15-2)
Best wins: Michigan State, Notre Dame, Clemson
Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest

My Irrelevant Comment:
Dick Vitale has taken to calling Wayne Ellington, “Duke”. This is supposedly a reference to Duke Ellington. Or could it be another attempt by Vitale to promote Duke University? I don’t know about that. I think better evidence of Dickie V’s plugging of the Blue Devils is when he refers to Roy Williams as Coach K.

7.Clemson (16-2)
Best Wins: at Illinois, at Miami, Alabama
Loss: Wake Forest, UNC

My Irrelevant Comment:
Coach Oliver Purnell scares me. He’s got huge hands, extremely long arms, and massively wide shoulders. But that’s not what scares me. What scares me is what’s on top – an Emmanuel Lewis-sized head.

8.Marquette (16-2)
Best Wins: Wisconsin, Villanova, West Virginia
Losses: Dayton, Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment:
Back when I was dating (yes, eons ago), I’d test a woman’s intelligence by seeing if she could correctly pronounce Marquette. One actually said “Mar-Cutie”. God, I miss her.

9.UCLA(14-3)
Best Wins: Southern Illinois, at Oregon
Losses: Michigan, Texas, Arizona State

My Irrelevant Comment:
Monday was the 35th anniversary of UCLA’s win streak ending loss to Notre Dame. It also the marked the 3,500th time that Digger Phelps re-told the story.

10. Michigan State (15-3)
Best Wins: Texas, Minn., Ohio St., Kansas, Illinois
Losses: Maryland, UNC, Northwestern

My Irrelevant Comment:
Michigan State is looking into whether Apple’s I-Book has infringed on rights of its senior center whose last name is Ibok. I don’t think they have much of a case. But if Apple created a computerized sex toy then this guy might have a claim – his first name is Idong.

MOST OVERRATED TEAM

Texas

The Longhorns have lost to almost every decent team it has faced. And now they have to deal with the former president’s return. I heard a rumor that “W” was seen at the Arkansas game holding a banner at half-time that said “Mission Accomplished.”

MOST UNDERRATED TEAM

Oklahoma State

The Cowboys are currently 12-4 and somehow receive no votes in either poll. Even more amazing is that there are 19,000 students at that school. I mean, it’s amazing that there are 19,000 students who couldn’t get into Oklahoma.

UPSET PICK OF THE WEEK

Notre Dame over UConn on Saturday night

If this game was in Stoors, I’d say it’d be a blow out for the Huskies, but the Irish are basically unbeatable at home. I will admit I’m not overly confident about this pick. I am, however, confident that I will be missing the game. Yes, I’m giving up watching what may be the epic battle of the year to attend a “father-daughter” dance. So instead of hearing Dickie V yell, “That’s Awesome, baby,” my ears will be subjected to a never-ending loop of the soundtrack from High School Musical 3. Please pray for me.

OTHER OPINIONS
Ken Robbins: Syracuse
That 'Cuse win over "No Defense" Notre Dame would have been a good one to watch!!!

Jim Richens: Pittsburgh:
It's going to take something really exceptional to happen to the Hoyas (and everybody else except North Carolina, perhaps) for them to get past Pittsburgh. I've seen several of their games this year (including the early-Saturday-morning affair against the Hoyas) and I'm discouraged to report that Pitt's the real deal. And yes, I'm aware of Louisville's win against them earlier this week.

Harold Barend – Syracuse & Duke:
If you are a Syracuse fan, it is like having the same feeling as being a Buffalo Bills fan. They make you feel like something good is going to happen then kick you in the groin. My problem with Syracuse is: can their coach inspire the team. When you see Jim Boeheim sitting on the bench you know he must be carrying a horseshoe, wearing a lucky tie, and saying his novenas because he is one of the winningest coaches in college basketball--but inspiration does not appear to be his strong point.

Duke is already getting ready for the final four. How many college teams play the kind of defense Duke administers the whole game. They are deep, talented and battle scarred. When March arrives they will be ready to go all the way

Jim Collins: Upset Specials
Duke over Wake next week. (My 3rd # 1 knockout)
UCONN will lose to ND and Louisville. (That's right two losses in a row.) Loyola Marymount beats Gonzaga in the city of Angels for 2nd win of long season. FIFA Soccer special 1/24/2009 also from LA, Friendly - USA 0 Sweden 0

Bill Sullivan – Marquette & St. Bonaventure:
As for underrated, I still think Marquette is underrated at # 10, and after beating Richmond on the road, I will have to list the Bonnies which should make all the Bona alums here happy..

Pete Frey – Providence:
Providence is just slowly draining the life out of me by showing they can compete with the big boys but can't win.

If you’d like to contribute to next Thursday’s post with your comments on the most overrated/underrated team or with an upset pick just email me by Wednesday night at davebarend@yahoo.com. Rant#11 coming Monday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#10: Dear ESPN, Please Just Show The Game

2009-01-18T17:22:00.000-08:00

Things you will never hear a man say: (1) I’d love to watch Thelma & Louise again. (2) Mmmm… Tofu. (3) Her breasts are way too big. And (4) I can’t take another minute of ESPN.

I must sadly admit that as of this past week the one about ESPN no longer applies to me.

During overtime of ND at Louisville on Monday, ESPN put up a live “picture-in-picture” shot of Coach Rick Pitino. Yes, the folks in charge felt it necessary to superimpose the “action” of Pitino on one knee, over the game. Utterly assinine. Though not as stupid as the thought that went through my mind - that Pitino, at age 56, was subbing himself into the game.

I understand that when there’s a blow out the producers and announcers need to try to spice things up. This has led to my accumulation of enough information to write the biographies of Dick Vitale’s grandkids. But we were in overtime here.

There’s also the fact that ESPN perpetually showed Pitino, while ND’s coach, Mike Brey, didn’t get any isolated camera time. Probably because Brey’s attire was inspired by seeing a maitre‘d place a sport coat on a longshoreman. Regardless, this snubbing of Mike Brey accomplished something I never thought possible – it made me feel sympathy for Notre Dame. Damn you, ESPN.

Then Tuesday came. I turned on the Memphis-Tulsa match-up (clearly, no game is too meaningless for me) and I noticed that in addition to the score, the shot clock, the game clock, and the scroll bar – there was verbiage spewing across the top of my screen. ESPN apparently decided that a perpetual stream of input from fans would enhance the basketball viewing experience. It’s called “Interactive Tuesday.” And the following day is definitely Migraine Wednesday.

This is just too much on the screen. It reminds me of the time when the US Women’s Softball team was posing for the camera. A fine looking bunch of ladies. But then the catcher tried to squeeze in. Too much. Or when Desperate Housewives shows all the hotties standing together. But then Felicity Huffman walks in. Too much. I guess I should be happy that ESPN hasn’t put up a “picture-in-picture” of a computer geek submitting comments from his parent’s basement.

In fact, they should change the name from Interactive Tuesday to Dork-Central Tuesday. I mean truly, the only people reading this stuff are the same people submitting it. There’s no “interaction”. Heck, an even better name would be Narcissistic Tuesday.

I actually gave reading it a shot, but quickly learned that submitting in English is not a requirement. It’s all in some text/Internet language. My inability to crack that code led to another realization – I’m getting old. God, I hate Interactive Tuesday.

I did think that this streaming on national TV might be a good way to plug the blog. So I was going to try to enter a message about DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com, but that seemed a little self-important. You know, more so than having a blog with my name in the title. I, therefore, tried to enlist a few friends and family members to do my dirty work. Below are some of the responses to my request:

Sean: You have a blog?

Anil: Your blog is “DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.COM”? I thought it was “ORG” That one’s much better.

My Wife: Sure I’d love to. But first I have to do the laundry, take out the garbage, change the oil in your car, teach the girls how to make a jump shot, wear the pants . . .

Here’s what I’d really like to see when I watch a basketball game: a basketball game. Watching the action on the court should be the thrill, not seeing your user name crawl across the screen. Imagine trying to explain to a friend how you missed James Harden’s monster dunk, “Uh, yeah, I had the game on, but I was engrossed in the witticisms of MegaDufus99.”

You know who is really to blame for all this – J.K. Rowling. Yup, the woman who wrote all those freakin’ Harry Potter books. She’s the one who got the younger generation thinking it’s fun to read. (For the purpose of this argument, please try to forget that you are currently reading.) Granted there’s a place for reading, but it’s not on top of a basketball game – it’s in the bathroom.

I honestly fear what ESPN is going to do next. I envision that every time a player touches the ball, ESPN is going to have his personal Facebook page pop up. Or even worse, instead of that stream of stupidity, they are going to have an instant message board appear on your screen – making you feel compelled to respond. I remember back when I had AOL, my mother would perpetually IM me. Worst part was I couldn’t figure out how to get that thing to go off. Pretty hard to surf the Internet for, well, things guys surf the Internet for, when there’s a message on the screen from your mom asking, “What are you doing right now?”

If ESPN is dead set on this Interactive Tuesday, I do have some better ideas:

1. Announcer reading – Instead of putting the comments on the top of the screen, have an announcer read them. You know, kind of like how stockbrokers used to rattle off the ticker tape - out loud the instant they came in. I suggest Digger Phelps. This way there’d at least be a chance he’d say something intelligent. Though at almost 70, he’d likely pass out from exhaustion. Yeah, I’d pay to see that.

2. Cameraman assistance – Have the people who are commenting help the cameramen find the good-looking women in the stands. “There’s a babe 4 rows behind Duke’s bench – DirtyOldMan51.” Or “Stephan Curry’s mom is in Row2, Seat 5 – StephanCurry’sDad”.

3.Screen on ball – Install a mini-monitor on the surface of the basketball. This would allow viewers to trash talk directly to the players. I imagine the following play-by play: “Harangody has the ball and is going up for a slam. But no he’s, well, he appears to be crying. I’m getting a look at the screen on the ball and, well, my best guess is Harangody’s mom really does wear combat boots.”

I’m betting that ESPN doesn’t take any of my suggestions. And after further contemplation I’m probably okay with that. There is a positive about these people who submit comments on Interactive Tuesday - they definitely make me and my blog seem substantially less pathetic.

Take it easy,
Dave

Next set of Rankings and Irrelevant Comments coming Thursday. If you’d like to submit your choice for the most overrated or underrated team of the week, email me at davebarend@yahoo.com by Wednesday.

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 6)

2009-01-15T03:38:00.000-08:00

I feel it’s my duty to preface this set of Rankings & Irrelevant Comments by informing you that Selection Sunday is in a mere 2 months. Let the countdown begin.

RANKINGS
1.Pitt (16-0)
Best wins: Washington St., Florida State, at Georgetown

My Irrelevant Comment: The city of Pittsburgh has a new slogan: “It may feel like it and it may look like it, but we assure you, you’re not in Detroit.”

2.Wake Forest (14-0)
Best Wins; Baylor, BYU, UNC

My Irrelevant Comment:
Wake Forest University claims it fosters individuality. Wonder if the folks in charge have ever been to a hoops game. For years all the students have been sitting in the same section, wearing the same black and yellow t-shirts, and doing the same chants. That seems like individuality as defined by David Koresh.

3.UConn (14-1)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin, at Gonzaga, West Virginia
Losses: Georgetown

My Irrelevant Comment: When you hear Coach Calhoun yell at Jeff Adrien, do you think he’s honestly upset with the kid? I bet he’s just a huge Rocky fan and likes re-enacting the last scene: “Adrien! Adrien!”

4. Duke (15-1)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, & Xavier
Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment: Duke was established with profits from tobacco sales. So wouldn’t it make more sense if the team replaced the Nike swoosh that adorns all of its jerseys with something more appropriate? Like Joe Camel. Yeah, the school probably doesn’t want to promote its ties to cigarette companies. It’s much more comfortable displaying its connection to Indonesian sweatshops.

5.Oklahoma (16-1)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas
Loss at Arkansas

My Irrelevant Comment:
I still don’t get that “Boomer-Sooner” chant. It has, however, got me trying to figure out who is my favorite Boomer. I was going to go with George “Boomer” Scott, but he was nudged out by Boomer from Battlestar Gallactica. No, not from the show that’s currently on Sci-Fi. No, not from the 2003 mini-series. I’m talking about the TV series that ran from 1978 to – Oh forget it. Somebody get me some Geritol.

6.North Carolina (14-2)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame
Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest

My Irrelevant Comment: I heard an announcer say that Tyler Hansbrough wouldn’t be nearly as good if you took away his elbows. Hard to disagree with that. Cause if you took away his elbows he wouldn’t have much left for arms.

7.Clemson (14-0)
Best Wins: at Illinois, at Miami, Alabama

My Irrelevant Comment:
Clemson claims they are underrated. Maybe so. But it makes up for the fact that they are substantially overrated academically. Now, I have no idea where the school is ranked by US News or the Princeton Review, but come on, it’s Clemson. No matter where it’s ranked it’s too high.

8. UCLA (13-2)
Best Wins: Southern Illinois, at Oregon
Losses: Michigan, Texas

My Irrelevant Comment: UCLA has a version of its jersey that has the “C” emblazoned in a brighter color than the other 3 letters. I guess the school pulls those out when it fears its opponent might not realize that LA is in California. I think they’re primarily worn for games against Clemson

9 Georgetown (12-3)
Best Wins: Memphis, at UConn, Syracuse
Losses: Tennessee, Pitt, at Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment
During Wednesday night’s Georgetown-Syracuse game, SU Coach Jim Boeheim looked a lot like Rodin’s The Thinker. Though, unlike Boeheim, I’d bet The Thinker was actually thinking.

10. Michigan State (14-2)
Best Wins: Texas, Minn., Ohio St., Kansas
Losses: Maryland, UNC

My Irrelevant Comment: Though I’m sure Tom Izzo’s wife is a fine lady, I’m rooting for the two to split and for him to end up with Stockard Channing. My reason – if she reprised her role from Grease she’d be Rizzo Izzo. And if she got her own sitcom it could be called the Rizzo Izzo Show. And if . . Please make me stop.

MOST OVERRATED TEAM

Notre Dame
This team just lost to Louisville who was last week’s most overrated team. I hear a lot of experts saying that they look at Luke Harangody and see a top notch pro in 5 years. I don’t know about that. I’ve taken a long hard look at Harangody and in 5 years I see – Brian Dennehy.

Other Opinions

John Cusanno
Memphis: I'm not sure why, but I always seem annoyed to see Memphis do well, even though their coach is a paison.

Rick Condon
Notre Dame: Overrated - yup - Notre Dog (notice the undeniable evidence that this emailer has read the damn blog) ... see, I was recently driving from Boston to D.C. with the family and as were passing through VP-elect Joe "plugs" Biden's very own Delaware, my wife told the kids that old saying of What did Dela wear? Idaho. Alaska. A New Jersey ... so stay with me ... made me think of Mr. former Blue Hens himself - that's right, Mike Brey, and his awful mock turtleneck look that he just won't kill. Why does he insist on this look? Idaho. Alaskhim. He needs a New Jersey (in addition to an actual tough road win) soon. [It should be noted that Rick is a 1990 ND grad. Uh, unless Rick didn’t want me to mention that.]

Ken Robbins
North Carolina - Are you a UNC fan [and most of you are] ..... if so hey how'd you like that Wake Forest game?!? Most overrated - that would be all of the UNC coaches this decade!!

John Cusanno #2
St. Bonaventure: Why the f*** can't the Bonnies win at home anymore?

MOST UNDERRATED TEAM

Kentucky
52 teams got votes from either the AP or the Coaches and not one of those was the 13-4 Kentucky Wildcats. They just throttled Tennessee at Tennessee. Junior Jodie Meeks scored a record breaking 54 points in that game. He definitely has some cojones. With a name like Jodie Meeks, he kind of has to. He has a girl’s first name and his last name is
well, meek.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

Miami at UNC - Saturday
I’m going with the Hurricanes. Why? Let’s see. BC beat UNC. And Miami beat BC. I’m pretty sure there’s some logical syllogism that supports my pick. I also like the fact that Miami refuses to be called Miami-Florida. They’re essentially telling the folks at Miami-Ohio – “Go rent some creativity and get your own damn name.”

Other Opinions:

Jim Collins
(What a rough week. I couldn't pick anything. I don't want to be remembered as a one hit wonder. I am not Tommy Tutone)
1.Louisville upends Pittsburgh on 1/17/2009. - I am going for a Bomb this week.
2.Duke NCAA Tourney Champ - Mitch Ryder and Detroit Wheels had a hit song in the 60's Devil with the Blue Dress on. Duke Blue Devils win it all. You heard it here first.
3. College Hockey special pick just for Dave- Niagara sweeps 2 game series against Quinnipiac this weekend.

If you’d like to contribute to next Thursday’s post with your comments on the most overrated/underrated team or with an upset pick just email me by Wednesday night at DaveBarend@yahoo.com. Rant#10 coming Monday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#9: The Best 1 Min. 22 Sec. Of College Hoops I Never Saw

2009-01-11T17:03:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, I turned on the BC-North Carolina game. I figured watching the Eagles get pummeled by the nation’s #1 team would be the perfect antidote to all the joy I had built up from the holiday season. Everyone has a skill. Mine’s self-induced depression.

The game was being shown in the Boston area on NESN - New England Sports Network. “New England Sports” is Bostoneese for “hockey”. If you’re looking for a Bruins game or that all-important Quinnipiac vs. Providence College hockey match-up, NESN is the place. Basketball, however, is not their forte.

About 3 minutes in, NESN displayed its ineptness and lost the audio. Infuriating. But then I realized that I’m capable of comprehending the action without the sound. Much like the folks attending the game. Might be different if I was watching CNBC’s Squawk Box or the Oprah Winfrey Show. Come to think of it, Oprah’s show might be better named the Squawk Box. (Wait a minute. How would I know? I don’t watch Oprah. Oh hell, who am I kidding? You go girl.)

NESN did something else truly unbelievable. It showed a score with BC leading. Even more amazingly, that wasn’t erroneous. In fact, BC led at half. And with 15 minutes to go. And with 10 minutes to go. I remember thinking, “Oh my God. I might have to find another way to become miserable.”

And then it happened.

Tyler Hansbrough stepped to the foul line with 1:26 left and BC up by 4. As he released his first of two - a commercial was played.

My initial reaction was to scream. No, this wasn’t one of those girly high-pitched screams. I save those for the Alien movie series. This was more like the sound you make when you see Grandma naked. A quick “Ahh!” You close your eyes knowing that when you open, the horror will be over. But another commercial came on. And another. My screaming then became much more like that of a roller coaster rider. Except my hands were not up in the air. They were clutching my chest.

Yet another commercial appeared. This one was for Hooters and I seemed to calm down a bit. Hooters commercials always have a soothing effect on me. Not quite sure why. I’m guessing it’s the hooters.

If only a Hooters commercial could have been played during other stressful moments of my life. Like at my wedding. In fact I really think my wife should have a Hooters commercial cued up just in case she ever has to tell me she is pregnant again. I do feel compelled to admit that there was a part of me that hoped the game would not come back on until after the Hooters girls finished their pitch. Don’t worry it was just a very small part of me, I assure you.

The Hooters commercial was followed by - another commercial, then another and another. And that calm I experienced had been completely replaced with total frustration. For some reason, I thought maybe there was just something wrong with the TV. So I decided to fix it the same way I fix my furnace or my dishwasher – I kicked it.

The difference between the TV and those other appliances is that the TV is up pretty high. That was no barrier for my uncontrollable rage. I decided to do a karate spin style kick up at my 36-inch tank of a set for which I overpaid back in 1997. I swear to God, that thing some how blocked my kick. There can be no other logical explanation for how I ended up flat on my back.

As I laid there with yet another commercial playing, a somewhat irrelevant thought ran through my head: Men like their TVs much different than their women. One should be big and flat and the other, well, not so big and not so flat.

My groin then seemed to be displaying a bulge – and not the good kind. I wasn’t bleeding which comforted me until I recalled Eddie Murphy’s wise words in Trading Places – “Karate men bleed on the inside.”

I was tempted to go upstairs to my office to follow along on the Internet. But I didn’t want to give up hope that the game would come back on my TV. Unfortunately I don’t have Internet access in my family room. I instead have Barbie dolls, American Girl dolls and High School Musical dolls. I should probably mention that I also have two daughters –you know, so you don’t think I’m a freak. Oh and there’s the Hanna Montana Guitar TV game – sort of like Guitar Hero, but only with songs that make you want to shove screwdrivers in your ears.

I then did what every married guy does when feeling the immense furor of not being able to solve a problem – I blamed my wife. While she was putting the girls to bed, I thought it made sense to yell, “It’s these damn cheap batteries you put in the remote. I can’t see the game because you wanted to save 50 cents and got the crappy generic batteries instead of Duracell. Now the remote doesn’t work right and I can’t see the end of the game!” A silent pause preceded my wife’s reply: “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” She had simultaneously added to my boiling anger and made me a bit proud. See this was the 5th day in a row that I had managed to top the dumbest thing my wife had ever heard. Hey, everyone defines success differently.

Now 5 minutes had passed and the commercials were still going strong. I had one last unappealing option – call my dad in New York who was watching on a non-NESN channel and get his color commentary over the phone. The reason for my hesitancy wasn’t because I knew the conversation would be a fiasco. It’s because I had already predicted such a fiasco and wrote about in Rant#2. (Feel free to scroll down and see.)

I opted to suck it up and subject myself to a mind numbing conversation with an old man without any possibility of the subsequent fun of joking about it in this blog. The next day when talking to my friends about my dad’s play by play they all said, “That’s hilarious. You should really put that in one of your blog posts.” That revealed something very important – my friends aren’t reading my blog posts.

So here is the actual conversation with my Dad that nearly mimics that found in Rant #2 that, apparently, no one read:

Answering machine picks up –
“Dad, I know you’re there. Will you please get the phone, I . . .”
“What the hell are you calling me for? I’m watching the game.”
“Dad, my channel lost its feed. What’s happening?”
“They’ve got the ball. Oh they turned it over.”
“Dad, who’s they?!”
“It’s, uh, hey have you heard from your sister?”
“Dad! What’s the score?”
“It’s 82 to 78. BC. I think.”
“You think?”
“BC’s winning. I just can’t tell the score. BC’s in the 80s and Carolina is in the 70s.”
“That is almost completely unhelpful.”
“Now he has the ball and there’s 26 seconds left.”
“Dad, stop with the pronouns. Which team is “he” on?”
“He who?
“Oh my God, this is just like the blog.”
“What blog?”
“Unbelievable.”
“He’s shooting.”
“What team Dad!?”
“Carolina. Oh the game’s over.”
“It’s over? Who won? What happened? Wait, holy crap! The game’s back on. It’s on! It’s on! 4 seconds to go and BC’s at the line up by 6!”
“Yeah, that’s what I said. It’s over. Now let me go. I’ve got a date with, uh, oh hell, I’ll ask her when I see her. Don’t put this in your damn blog.”

Post-Game Commentary:

Yes, BC ended up winning. Though I was quite happy, I’ve got to say I felt gypped. I watched the whole game but I didn’t get to see the best part. Kind of like a kid who eats his whole dinner only to find there’s no dessert. Or better yet, kind of like a guy whose wife forces him to watch Steel Magnolias for the 30th time but then she decides to shut it off before he gets to watch Julia Roberts finally croak.

I figured, I could get my needed finality when I picked up the morning Boston Globe which was sure to have a big BC headline. I was right. Well sort of. Lead story was dedicated to BC’s firing of its football coach for interviewing with the Jets.

There was a 1-inch paragraph on page 6 noting that NESN’s producer apologized for the problem. Just wondering if Tar Heel fans would have let the station in North Carolina get away with just an apology. My guess is he would have been tarred. I probably should just be happy that NESN didn’t brag about getting better ratings for the commercials than for the game.

Still in need of closure, I turned to Wednesday night’s telecast of BC vs. Harvard against assuming that they’d replay those last exciting moments of the Carolina game. Only problem with that assumption was that there was no telecast. NESN decided to show hockey, of course. No, not a Bruins game. But the Hockey East Finals – that took place last year. Yup. A repeat college hockey game was playing instead of a game with the hometown team that had just beaten the #1 ranked squad in the country.

Stunningly, BC lost to Harvard. And I never really got that moment of happiness I felt I deserved. But I did finally manage to rid myself of that holiday joy. Yet another success.

Take it easy,
Dave

If you would like to submit a choice for the most overrated/underrated team of the week email me at davebarend@yahoo.com by Wednesday night and I'll have it up with Thursday's new set of Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More.

Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More (Take 5)

2009-01-08T03:21:00.000-08:00

For the 5th week of my Rankings and Irrelevant Comments I’ve added a section for the upset picks of the week. This was prompted by Jim Collins’ unsolicited and incredible prediction that BC would beat UNC. I’ve now changed the name of this post to Rankings, Irrelevant Comments & More. I’m so crafty.

RANKINGS
1.Pitt (14-0)
Best wins: Washington St., Florida State, at Georgetown

My Irrelevant Comment: I have a problem. When I was a kid, I had a big crush on Blair from Facts of Life. No, that’s not the problem. The problem is I think of her whenever I see Pitt’s 6’ 7”, 265lb forward DeJuan Blair. I guess I should just be happy that I don’t think of Natalie whenever I see LPGA hottie, Natalie Gulbis.

2.North Carolina (14-1)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame
Loss: Boston College

My Irrelevant Comment: Even after knocking off #1 ranked UNC, BC still can’t win the hearts of Boston fans. My solution: don’t recruit another guy with a name like their star freshman - Reggie Jackson. Seriously, if next year they have a shot at some McDonald’s All-American, they need to pass if he goes by A-Rod.

3.UConn (12-1)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin, at Gonzaga, West Virginia
Losses: Georgetown

My Irrelevant Comment: Over the last few seasons Connecticut has had more than a few players with criminal records. If one more guy on that squad gets arrested the school might want to think about dropping the second “n” in UConn.

4. Duke (13-1)
Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Davidson
Worst Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment: Apparently Duke has mastered human cloning. Yeah, they clearly duplicated Scheyer and named his clone Singler. I’m not impressed though. I mean, they previously took Bobby Hurley’s J-Chromosome and used it to create Wojciechowski and Reddick. The J-Chromosome, of course, being the one that results in jerks.

5.Wake Forest (13-0)
Best Wins; Baylor, UTEP & BYU

My Irrelevant Comment:
Wake’s Bobby Hoekstra indicated that he was looking forward to his senior year. That was before he registered a stat line of less than a half-point a game. Oh well. Maybe he really meant he was looking forward to his “senior years”. It’s possible he could yearn for a daily attire that includes Depends and Fix-A-Dent.

6. UCLA (12-2)
Best Wins: Southern Illinois, at Oregon
Losses: Michigan, Texas

My Irrelevant Comment: On ESPN’s UCLA basketball page there is video of the cheerleaders. You’re welcome.

7.Oklahoma (13-1)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah
Loss – at Arkansas

My Irrelevant Comment:
Sooners coach Jeff Capel missed last week’s game against the Hawks of Maryland-Eastern Shore due to a stomach virus. Oddly, the Hawks’ coach had serious stomach aliments after the game. His pains weren’t cause by a virus though. He was done in by the sight of his players who had just lost by 36 points.

8 Syracuse (14-1)
Best Wins: Florida, Kansas, Virginia, at Memphis
Losses: Cleveland State

My Irrelevant Comment
If there’s one thing you have to respect about Syracuse it’s clearly – their mascot. Take Georgetown, who are called the Hoyas, but use a bulldog as their mascot. Or North Carolina, called the Tar Heels, yet use a ram as their mascot. Syracuse, however, is called the Orange and they quite creatively decided that their mascot should be – an orange. You’ve got to respect that.

9.Clemson (14-0)
Best Wins: at Illinois, at Miami, Alabama

My Irrelevant Comment:
The school was named after Tom Green Clemson. They got to be happy they went with that guy’s last name instead of his first and middle. Tom Green University just doesn’t evoke academic excellence.

Just to clarify, Tom Green is a gross-out comic whose career pinnacled with the not so-family friendly flick entitled “Freddy Got Fingered”. I would like to see what fraternity initiations at Tom Green University would entail. You know, given that its namesake previously drank milk from a cow – that’s directly from a cow.

10. Texas (11-3)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova, Wisconsin
Losses: Notre Dame, Michigan St., Arkansas

My Irrelevant Comment: Texas’ colors are white and “burnt orange”. I’m really not sure what “burnt orange” means. But from the look of their jerseys I guess it’s the color of puke.

MOST OVERRATED TEAM

Louisville
The have 3 losses (one to Western Kentucky) and not a single victory over any team in the top 50. Somehow they are ranked 21st by the Coaches and 23rd by the AP. Even their travel difficulties are over-hyped. On Tuesday their plane made an emergency landing due to - no, not ice on the wings, nor a sudden decrease in cabin pressure – a fire that turned out to be harmless. Mainly because it was nonexistent.

Other Opinions

Anil Joseph: Boston College - Ugh-we moved up too much. We're at 17 in AP and 24 in ESPN. I see bad things coming...and dead people. [Too bad Anil was right: BC lost to Harvard by 12 Wednesday night. Ugh.]

Harold Barend: West Coast Teams - It is no secret the Big East and the ACC appear to be the dominate divisions. With the exception of Gonzaga, from the Mississippi River West college basketball is a secondary sport and it really shows this year.

MOST UNDERRATED TEAM

South Carolina
Darrin Horn in his first year coaching the Gamecocks has them at 11-2. This being a team that The Sporting News predicted to finish at the bottom of the SEC. I’d say Coach Horn deserves at least one vote for his team from the AP or the Coaches. Or at least get the guys who play the trumpet in the pep band to name themselves the “Darin” section.

Other Opinions
Bill Sullivan: Marquette- I am sticking with Marquette as my underrated pick. They knocked Villanova and Cincy to start Big East play. They will do some real damage this year.

Matt Carty: Miami Dolphins - I wasn't gonna say anything, but since Dave let the comments on the Cowboys and Eagles get through last time (football smack on a college hoops board?), I figured I'd chime in and get a shout out for my Dolphins!!!! GO MIAMI!!! If they've lost to Baltimore by the time you've read this, I don't apologize. I still haven't come down from the high of watching them keep both the Jets AND Patriots from getting to the playoffs!

Harold Barend: Duke - I thought Duke was underrated last week and I still think they are underrated. Unfortunately for the Blogmeister, he felt it a necessity to say I might be the only one who thought Duke underrated. He forgot to take into consideration those who compile the rankings. Each game, I see more cuts and bruises on the Dukies than their opposition. Could it be the ACC refs think like the Blogmeister. [Note from the “Blogmeister” – given that Duke is currently ranked #2 in both Polls, it’s almost a mathematical impossibility for them to be underrated.]

Ken Robbins: George Mason - GMU is still tops in the CAA.

Matt Carty #2: Arizona State - I don't know anything about college hoops, but I guess Arizona State is doing pretty good this year. And, from what I hear on sports radio out here, Herb Sendek rules. I couldn't agree more. I loved Where the Wild Things Are. (It was either go for that joke, or the WKRP/Herb Tarlek connection - hope I picked the funnier one.) [Evidence that my blog has not quite hit the big time: one of my few contributors starts his comment with “I don’t know anything about college hoops”.]

Harold Barend #2: Syracuse - Syracuse could be a major surprise during their first showing in three years in the NCAA tournament. They have depth, power on the inside, great three-point shooting, and a healthy basketball team. Unfortunately, they sometimes follow their coach's example and fall asleep. They are off to one of their best starts ever but only after a number of shaky moments and razor thin endings. To prepare for this season, Syracuse fans should buy plenty of stress tabs.

UPSET PICK OF THE WEEK

Florida State over Duke on Sat.
These two have had some classic battles of late. Even some OT thrillers if my memory serves. There’s no way the refs let this on go to extra time though. Why? They want to see the NFL playoffs. And given that the game is at FSU they’ll make sure the Seminoles win. Why? They’d like to be alive to see those playoffs.

Other Opinions

Jim Collins: Texas wins at Oklahoma 1/12
But everything is OK because Sooners win against Florida in FedEx BCS National Championship

Jim Collins #2.Wake Forest beats Boston College 1/14
18 point win for Demon Deacons.

Jim Collins #3 - Final 4 in Detroit- Where teams will bailout not bow out. Detroit Hotel Rules- Minimum Four Night Stay Required (April 3-6, 2009) First Prize- 1 week in Detroit Second Prize 2 weeks in Detroit.

Ken Robbins: Jim Collins will be wrong
Big deal on that massive fortune tale by Jim picking BC over UNC. Hey if Jim picks the next huge upset and then I'll call it "incredible" as Dave did.

If you want to contribute to next Thursday posting of the most overrated/underrated teams or the upset of the week, email be your comments by Wednesday night and they’ll be up in the morning. Next Rant is coming on Monday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#8: There’s No Crying In Basketball – Anymore

2009-01-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

See if you can follow my logic. A tough task, but give it a shot.

Many coaches claim that a bad call by a ref feels like being punched in the gut. Most people when punched in the gut react. (The exception, of course, is Bea Arthur. That chick can take a punch.) So you’d think that it would make sense that coaches would react to a bad call. But if you’re thinking, then you’re clearly not a member of the NCAA Rules Committee.

See, this past year those folks basically forbade any expression of displeasure with a ref. Which make you wonder if NCAA actually stands for No Cognitive Abilities Allowed.

Amongst the new rules are:

1.No Gesturing After A Disputed Call – This rule is not only ludicrous, but also discriminatory. It clearly renders all Italian coaches mute.

2.No Yelling – A ref misses a blatant travel. This leads the coach to yell. And who’s the bad guy? The yelling coach. Ridiculous. The ref should be immensely grateful that all the coach did was yell. Much like I should be applauded for only yelling at my mailman after he did the unthinkable - dropped last year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in a puddle.

For some reason, most people think that yelling is worse than whatever caused the yelling. I don’t buy it. So when my wife says, “I can’t believe you’re yelling at me.” I say, “No. No. No. What’s unbelievable is that you drove your SUV over our garbage can – again.”

3. No Charging After A Ref – I actually could be convinced to agree with this rule. But only if the ref has position with both feet planted. Otherwise it’s a blocking violation on the guy in stripes. The coach should then be granted one free gesticulation. And I’d suggest the same one my father uses instead of his turn signal.

The result of these rules:

A bunch of coaches gliding up and down the sideline with their hands and arms grasped behind their backs. They look as if they they’re trying to make the Olympic Speed skating team. You truly need to check out Indiana’s coach Tom Crean. I swear he’s doing the Safety Dance. I’m also pretty sure he told his assistants, “You can dance if you want to and you can leave your friends behind, but if you don’t dance then you’re no friend of mine.”

What’s really unfair about this emotional restraint is that these coaches, like most married men, must perpetually display fake emotions to appease their wives. Take a coach with kids. He undoubtedly pretended to appear overcome with joy when his pregnant wife forced him to feel the baby kicking. He, of course, was really thinking, “What if her ass stays this big?”

So he should be allowed to show some honest emotion when something truly important happens – you know, like when his point guard fouls out.

I’ve, therefore, come up with 4 better ways to handle the so-called lack of coaching decorum.

1. A 10 Second Rule – Allow the coach to yell, gesture, and pretty much do anything short of strangle the ref – but just for 10 seconds. Imagine the entertainment value of an unadulterated tirade by Rick Pitino or John Calipari. You’d learn more Italian swear words in those 10 seconds than you did during an entire season of the Sopranos. I also think the ref should have to do a count down with his arm as if he were counting out a boxer. And if the coach stops in time, the Jumbotron could show the final 10 second count from Rocky II – arguably the best 10 seconds in the history of cinema.

2. Allow Ventriloquism – I know what you’re thinking – sheer brilliance. Okay maybe not. But if a coach uses a miniature of himself to berate a ref then it’s really not like the coach is doing anything wrong – it’s the wooden guy sitting on his lap. No technical foul gets called unless replay shows the coach’s lips moving. I also love the redundancy in a Jim Boeheim Dummy. As well as the seeming impossibility of a “Little Rick Majerus.”

3. Let Refs Yell Back – You have to bet that most referees would gladly give up their power to T-up a coach for the opportunity to retaliate with their own verbal assault. I suggest a game of “the dozens” and if the ref runs out of “Your mother’s so ugly” lines first, he reverses the call that commenced the fight. Now if some of these refs feel they aren’t witty enough to spar with the coaches, the NCAA should provide them with tutelage from Don Rickles and Dennis Leary. They can take those lessons during the time that they clearly aren’t using to better their refereeing skills.

4.Permit Charades – If yelling is truly offensive, I think coaches should be able to try to get their point across via everyone’s favorite non-verbal game. Have the ref flip over one of those mini hourglass thingys and then try to figure out what the coach is trying to convey before the sand seeps to the other side. I envision something like this:

Ref: All right here we go. Uh, I’m not too good at charades. But I think you’re saying there’s 2 words. No, 2 syllables? Yes. Second syllable is - you’re making a circle with your arms – no a barrel, no, oh, now you seem to be digging and – oh it’s a hole. Yes. Great. Now, the first syllable. You are pointing to your rear end. The second syllable is rear end - no your butt, no your anus, no your ass? Yes! Great! So first syllable is your ass and second syllable is – hole. I don’t get it.

Obviously the best solution to decrease coaching outbursts would simply be to get better referees. But that would be logical. And though you may have the ability to follow sound logic, that’s clearly asking too much of the NCAA.

Take it easy,
Dave

Special thanks to John Krotzer for setting up a "fan site" on Facebook for DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com. I'm just a little worried that the reason it's called a "fan site" and not a "fans site" is because John is the only fan.

Next set of Rankings & Irrelevant Comments coming Thursday.

Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 4)

2009-01-01T05:38:00.000-08:00

Below is my 4th week of Top 10 Rankings hopefully accompanied by entertaining “irrelevant comments.” There are also submissions of the most overrated and underrated teams even further below.

Rankings
1.North Carolina (13-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment:
Check out Tyler Hansbrough’s eyes sometime. They look like he’s in a perpetual state of shock. He always has the same expression as that guy in Caddyshack who dove out of a fishing boat just as Rodney Dangerfield smashed through with his yacht. Who the hell remembers that guy? Well, I was going to say that Hansbrough looks like a cross between Nancy Pelosi and Steve Buscemi. Can there be any doubt that Tyler would prefer that I go with the Caddyshack guy?

2.Pitt (13-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech, Washington St., & Florida State

My Irrelevant Comment: School called itself Pitt because Crotch would have been too disgusting.

3.Wake Forest (11-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP

My Irrelevant Comment:
I always assumed that Coach Gaudio’s first name was Dean and people called him Dean-O just like they would to Dean Martin. Turns out, his actual name is Dino and they call him Dino just as they would to, well, Fred Flintstone’s pet.

4.Oklahoma (12-1)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah
Loss – at Arkansas

My Irrelevant Comment:
You know Oklahoma’s “Boomer-Sooner” chant? Well, I really thought they were saying “Boom her sooner.” I’ve got to say that my interpretation is much better. It’s essentially telling prospective freshmen that the women on campus don’t have that 3-date requirement.

5. Duke (11-1)
Best Wins: S. Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue, Xavier
Worst Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment: I’m rooting hard for Duke’s Brian Zoubek to make it big time. Why? Because I’ve always been a big fan of Zubaz pants. Remember those? The really cheesy red and blue zebra stripped sweat pants that were huge in the late 80s. I loved those. And if Zoubek makes it in the pros, he’d be the perfect pitch man: “Zoubek for Zubaz.”

6.Gerogetown (9-1)
Best Wins: Maryland, Memphis & UConn
Loss - Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment: Though called the Hoyas, the team is also referred to as the G-Men, which of course, conjures up images of the FBI and J. Edgar Hoover. Then again so does the penchant of the male cheerleaders to dress in drag.

7.UConn (10-1)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin and at Gonzaga
Losses: Georgetown

My Irrelevant Comment: I hear there is a problem with the water on the UConn campus. Something about a yet to be identified foreign substance. Here’s my theory: UConn, a school with a very good men’s basketball team and a bowl bound football team, is crazy for its women’s hoop team. The foreign substance must therefore be – estrogen. (I’d check the water at Tennessee as well.)

8.Notre Dame (10-2)
Best Wins: Texas, Indiana
Losses: North Carolina, Ohio State

My Irrelevant Comment:
Notre Dame is notorious for having a less than stunningly attractive female portion of its student body. It’s really misleading having “Dame” right in its name. I think most alums would even agree that they should really call themselves Notre Dog University. I say “most alums” because my wife, who is an ND grad, will likely castrate me upon reading this. What I won’t do for a laugh.

9. Texas (10-2)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova, Wisconsin
Losses: Notre Dame, Michigan St.

My Irrelevant Comment:
True story: I once met a judge who told he me went to Univ. of Texas. In an effort to impress him I said, “Well Hang ’em Horns.” After he walked away disgusted with my stupidity I made the following note: Try to remember it’s Hook ‘em Horns NOT Hang ‘em Horns – especially when speaking to a judge from Texas.

10 Syracuse (12-1)
Best Wins: Florida, Kansas, Virginia, at Memphis
Losses: Cleveland State

My Irrelevant Comment
In last week’s edition of Sport Illustrated, Seth Davis claimed that Syracuse is a potential Final 4 team. This is clear evidence that I am no longer the least knowledgeable college hoop writer.

Most Overrated Team

Ohio State
The Big Ten stinks. The Big Ten stinks. The Big Ten stinks. I must say that over and over so that I never forget how inferior the Big Ten is. Last week I claimed that Ohio State, the best of the Big Ten, was really good. They then lost to West Virginia by 28 – at home.

Other Opinions

Pat Hurley: Purdue - Not only did Purdue (11-3) lose to Illinois at home Tuesday night, but they have two other losses, including an ass-whooping administered by Duke. Why are they ranked #9? More importantly, you can count the number of hot chicks at Purdue on one hand (insert joke here). [Never knew it was a joke that is inserted into one’s hand. Guess I’ve had it wrong all these years.]

Ken Robbins: Dallas Cowboys - Yes how about them Cowboys? More like the cowgirls....or perhaps like the Yankees! As both the Cowboys & Yankees try each year to simply Buy a championship instead of get this - actually compete for a world championship. Not that I would know from my experiences, but as a fan and living here in Chi-town where Jordan built Championships I do know that you need to bring your A-game each time out there. Clearly, the Eagles brought it folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Ken, sort of looking for an overrated college hoops team, you know to go with DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com.]

Craig Teal: Fordham – Though my Fordham Rams are ranked about 250th according to Jeff Sagarin, I still think they are overrated. They have a brand new logo that was created to inspire more ferocious play. Clearly it didn’t work.

Most Underrated Team

Kentucky (11-3)
How can team with the history and tradition of Kentucky receive no votes from either poll, yet have an 11-3 record? I blame Ashley Judd. She clearly has not been showing up to enough Wildcats games scantily clad.

Other Opinions

Pat Hurley: Illinois - The Illini (13-1) aren’t even ranked, despite wins over Purdue, Vandy, Mizzou and Georgia, and only a single 2-point loss to a 13-0 Clemson squad. Admittedly, the Purdue win was Tuesday night, but still! Moreover, in the words of our honorable governor, Rod Blagojevich, “Being mentioned in Dave Barend’s blog is a pretty f&*%ing valuable thing!”

Keith Mangas: Himself - The only thing that is underrated is a certain blogger’s perceptions of the time this working husband and father of two has to devote to marketing, editing, contributing and increasing the ad revenue of an unnamed Internet blog. And I say that with nothing but admiration for the blogger :)

Bill Sullivan: Notre Dame, Marquette & Georgetown - Not to show any Big East bias but I would nominate Notre Dame, Marquette and Georgetown as the underrated picks. Notre Dame, because as an alum anytime one of our teams is not ranked #1, I in an irrational response, feel we are underrated. Marquette will be a seriously dangerous team this year, with the three top guard rotation in the country and a blossoming star in Lazar Hayward. If only they had Al McGuire back coaching and were still called the Warriors it might be like 1977 all over again.

(If you'd like to contribute to next Thursday's post with your choice for the most overrated/underrated team or player just send an email to me at DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Wednesday night. Rant #8 coming Monday.)

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant#7:Half Time’s Waste Of Time

2008-12-28T13:23:00.000-08:00

At half time of Saturday’s game, ESPN’s commentators provided analysis of plays that I just saw, replays of action that I just saw, and statistics of the first half that I just saw. That led me to ponder: “Didn’t I just see this?” And, “Does ESPN, the network that I love more than life itself, think I’m an idiot?” The commentators did not respond.

It then hit me that ESPN’s play-by-play guys had already provided similar detailed analysis during the game. How much comprehension assistance do they believe I need? What’s next, a made basket will be accompanied by a remedial math lesson – “Imagine if you have 25 apples and you add 2 more apples . . .” I have now reached the undeniable conclusion, ESPN is convinced that I’m a moron.

I guess I should be happy that ESPN is only giving me half time analysis of the games. And not of my life. I can easily picture Jay Bilas saying something like this:

“Dave’s first half was going well until he took out a monstrous loan for, no not a house, a law degree. A strikingly odd decision for a guy who hates to argue. Apparently he intended to create a niche as ‘the non-confrontational attorney.’ Dave then concocted the questionable financial strategy of representing only poor people. Hard to make money off a clientele that can’t make rent.

"He now has a blog and has grossed a whopping $42 in one month. At that rate he’ll easily be able to pay off his law school loan in 200 years. Except, Dave has also promised to give all his blogging profits to the pot of his NCAA tourney pool. Even harder to make money when you give away all of your earnings. Yes, there is a possibility that Dave is getting dumber as he gets older. But I see a chance for a second half turn around. Dave’s game plan should be to incorporate himself and then – sell all of his stock short.”

Screw you, Bilas.

A half-time analysis might actually have been helpful back when I’d go to Sunday mass with my mom. About halfway through the priest’s sermon she would quiz me to see if I was paying attention. If only the ESPN guys could have been there for a little re-cap. That would have prevented what will surely be a conundrum for St. Peter’s decision whether to allow me into heaven – weekly attendance at church coupled with a weekly lie to my mother in church.

Any way, there are a plethora of things that could replace the wholly unnecessary analysis at half time of college basketball games.

1.Donkey Basketball – If you’ve never heard of donkey basketball then you didn’t grow up in a semi-podunk town like Vestal, NY as I did. No, it’s not a bunch of donkeys playing basketball. That would actually be less stupid. It’s a bunch of people trying to play basketball while riding donkeys. You got to wonder how this game was created. I think there was a kind of Reeses Peanut Butter Cup moment. One guy’s donkey does some dodo on another guy’s basketball – “Hey you got donkey on my basketball. You got basketball on my donkey.”

2.Show more of the cheerleaders – Cheerleaders clearly deserve more air-time than the passing glances they receive. If you go to the Louvre, and you’re only able to see glimpses of the Mona Lisa every 20 minutes or so, that would be quite disappointing. As a married guy whose wife monitors his Internet surfing, the hope of seeing a cheerleader close up is, well, all I’ve got. At least a few minutes of half time should be dedicated to these bouncing beauties. (My wife will attest to the fact that that’s all the time I need.)

3.Show other games - Wouldn’t you much rather watch part of another game than the forced and phony banter between Digger Phelps and Bobby Knight? Heck, I’d almost rather let my wife turn on Desperate Housewives than watch those two geriatrics pretend to bitch at each other. At least the women on Wysteria Lane are good looking.

4. Half Court Shots for $ - Hard to beat the excitement of pulling a fan out of the stands and letting him shoot from half court for a few grand. For me it’s a win-win. Fan makes it, everyone cheers. Fan misses and I feel joy knowing that there’s one person who may now have lower self-esteem than me.

5.Show Swingers. Each half time is about 20-30 minutes long. If ESPN had a triple-header it could show the entirety of my favorite movie, Swingers, during half time. That would be money and they know it.

Yeah, I realize that the real purpose of half time is to show more commercials. It would be nice if they showed the good ones more often though – like the Hooters ads. Because, really, there is no such thing as a bad Hooters ad. I’m pretty sure they’ve been showing that ad promoting their 25th anniversary for about 2 years now. I will admit I’m engrossed every single time. Maybe ESPN is right – I am a moron.

Take it easy,
Dave

A thanks goes to the entire Hoover family for critiquing this post while en route to Ohio. I will also thank Pat Hurley for informing me that I had grammar errors even though he opted to let me find them on my own. A bigger thanks to John Cusanno for actually noting that geriatric has only 1 “r”. Finally, I should thank Thom Devlin for his assessment of my life and his adamant agreement that I should sell stock in myself short.

Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 3)

2008-12-25T05:15:00.000-08:00

My Christmas present to you: a new set of college basketball rankings and irrelevant comments as well as the submissions for this week’s overrated and underrated teams - all below

My Christmas present from John Berardi: a favorable endorsement about this site on a couple SU message boards. Thanks John. If you by chance have a hankering for some pizza check out John’s blog – LosAngelesPizza.blogspot.com. It might be best though if that hankering occurred when you’re in LA.

RANKINGS
1.North Carolina (11-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment:
You just can’t do better than a Tar Heels game when Bill Raftery is the commentator. I may be watching too much of Raftery though. Yesterday my 2 year-old daughter made a basket and yelled “Onions!” Looks like I need to teach her a little hubris and anatomy.

2.UConn (10-0)
Best Wins: Miami, at Wisconsin and at Gonzaga

My Irrelevant Comment: A buddy of mine was wearing a UCONN sweatshirt when a gorgeous woman came up and said, “Where’s Conn?” He condescendingly said, “It’s short for Connecticut.” She then sulked away. A different reply might have been a tad more appropriate. This woman was good-looking, clearly stupid, and seemingly had low self-esteem. Yeah, the better response would have been “Will you marry me?”

3.Oklahoma (10-0)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah

My Irrelevant Comment:
I hear that opposing crowds are calling Oklahoma senior Taylor Griffen, Tito - in reference to the fact Taylor, much like Tito Jackson, is highly overshadowed by his younger brother (Blake). I think Taylor should just be happy that they aren’t calling him Latoya.

4.Pitt (12-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech, Washington St., & Florida State

My Irrelevant Comment: About 10 years ago PITT decided to stop referring to itself as PITT and went with the full “Pittsburgh” instead. The university has since switched back apparently learning that it’s a bad marketing to emphasize that it’s located in Pittsburgh.

5. Duke (10-1)
Best Wins: S.Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue, Xavier
Worst Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment: Is it me or is almost every guy on Duke over six foot, with blonde hair, and blue eyes? They go by Blue Devils, but a different name comes to mind.

6.Wake Forest (10-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP

My Irrelevant Comment: When Wake Forest moved from Wake Forest, North Carolina to Winston-Salem the school kept the name Wake Forest. I think I figured out why. While “Wake Forest” doesn’t necessarily scream basketball, “Winston-Salem” definitely screams Big Tobacco.

7.Gerogetown (9-1)
Best Wins: Maryland & Memphis
Worst loss - Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment: This week the Hoyas beat Mount St. Mary’s – a school that distinguished itself from St. Mary’s by adding the “Mount”. But now the name seems to suggest that prudish girls named Mary should be, well, mounted.

8.Ohio State (8-0)
Best Wins – ND, at Miami and Butler

My Irrelevant Comment:Ohio State may be so good that I actually contemplated getting the Big Ten Network. Then I though about what it would be like when my wife found out –
Wife: “Why is the cable bill $10 more? Tell me you did not order one of those adult movies!”
Dave: “I ordered the Big Ten Network”
Wife: “The what? You told me you’d never watch porn.”
Dave; “Wait a minute. I never said never.”
Wife: “I knew it! You’re addicted to pornography.
Dave; “It’s the Big Ten Network, I swear,
Wife: “You think I’m stupid? There’s no Big Ten Network. You have a problem.”

9. Texas (8-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova, Wisconsin
Worst loss: Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment:
Before every free throw AJ Abrams puts his hand on his heart. I’m not sure why? I do know that before everyone of my free throws my coach used to put his hand on his heart. If you ever saw me shoot you’d know exactly why.

10.Xavier (10-2)
Best Wins: Memphis, Virginia Tech & at Cincinnati
Losses – Duke & Butler

My Irrelevant Comment: After getting crushed by Duke’s big man, it’s clear that Xavier’s 7 footer Kenny Frease needs to go back to basics. No not rebounding and post play. Real basics like – standing erect. He looks like his auditioning for the lead in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. He's truly the only seven footer who plays like he’s five foot, four.

Most Overrated

Gonzaga – Third week in a row that I was going to pick Louisville (2 losses yet still ranked #19) but another team has been amazingly more disappointing. I was all set to write about how the TV coverage of the Gonzaga-UConn was horrible. I was all set to say that what I meant was that the cameras would inexplicably only give me glimpses of the stunningly attractive female photographer on the baseline. Yeah, I was all set to say that until they lost that game - and then lost to Portland State. So I can’t say any of that.

Other Opinions

Harold Barend: Syracuse – “Syracuse still has not impressed me. Their last win against Coppin State (which has a losing record) was a clinic in basketball "do not" fundamentals. Except for Andy Rautins who kept Syracuse in the game with a record setting barrage of three-pointers, the team didn't show me zip. They were slow getting back on defense and they turned the ball over and over and over. Teams such as Texas that play solid defense and rebound will have Jimmy B crying. It should be interesting to see what kind of moral impact the 40 hours of community work has on the tattoo laden Devendorf.

Most Underrated

Utah State – They are 9-1 one with the only blemish a close loss to BYU. They just beat their rival, the Utah Utes. Every time I hear the Utes I can’t help but think of Fred Gwynne’s question to Joe Pesci in “My Cousin Vinny” – “The two Utes?”

Other Opinions

Mark Hoover : Michigan: “One letter M”: [To clarify, Mark emailed me Michigan’s big blue “M” logo hoping that I’d be able to put it up on this site. I haven’t been able to figure out how to do that for photos Erin Andrews, Bonnie Bernstein, and Jim Boeheim’s wife. Can’t see me mastering that task for an mere M.]

Harold Barend: Duke & Stanford - I think two of the underrated teams are Duke and Stanford. Both teams can shoot the three, which inspires me to watch the game and both teams have a high mental capacity. I pick both to be in the final four--depending on the bracketing. Duke is one of the deepest and most balanced teams in college basketball. I give Duke the edge when they play North Carolina at Duke. [This marks the first time in history that anyone has claimed that Duke is underrated.]

Jim Collins: Boston College – “1/4/09- BC stuns North Carolina in Chapel Hill taking the sting out of the Pats missing the playoffs because of Miami and Baltimore both winning.”

Kenny Robbins: Syracuse – “The 'Cuse only lost by a 67 yard field goal, errrr I mean a lucky 3 pt basket at the end of regulation. Then they regain composure and go into Memphis to beat a decent team On The Road. Great road win there so "Not So Fast" on your uhhh Ken the 'Cuse lost to Clev St. The 'Cuse is Back!!”

Kenny Robbins Part II : The Big Ten: “Also Back is the Big Ten people...it might be negative one outside with a negative 22 wind chill but c'mon people this is Bear Country. Go Bears!!! As for the Big Ten, look we got Michigan State taking down TX on the road. We got Purdue taking down much heralded Davidson in a super big way. And please don't forget weve got Tubby Smith & Minnesota. Minnesotaaaah, with a nice big win over Louisville to improve to 10 - 0. Not to mention Ohio St. beating Dave's fav Irish back on 12/6. I'm not asking for much ink here just some warm up band music for the cold Big Ten land! [Not asking for much ink?]

Take it easy & Merry Christmas,
Dave

(If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just email me by Wednesday at DaveBarend@yahoo.com and it’ll be posted on Thursday.)

Rant#6: Whose 3-Point Line Is It Anyway?

2008-12-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

The NCAA had two ready-made options when it decided to change the 3-point line: the NBA 3-point line or the international line. My choice was the NBA line because it had the added benefit of no longer having to hear announcers say, “Wow that shot was from NBA range.”

They instead decided to create a brand new line. That’s kind of like needing some butter and despite having 3 tubs in your fridge, you choose the wholly nonsensical option of pretending you’re Amish and making your own. (After about 16 hours of churning you can name it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Yet”.)

As for the old 3-point line, my views are mixed. Growing up we had a 3-point line on my driveway. My friends and I would take running leaps from behind the arc in hopes of making a finger roll 3-pointer. I miraculously made it once. Immediately I thought of George Gervin’s Nike ad and proclaimed myself the Ice Man. ‘Cause “If there’s one thing I could do it was finger roll.” My friends opted to call me Putz.

Then there was the time that my dad left his Chrysler Cordoba “T-top” convertible parked in the driveway. But we still wanted to attempt our 3-point finger rolls. What to do? Idea: leap over the Cordoba with the assistance of – a ladder. Sadly, nobody said “bad idea.”

I climbed up and put myself in Michael Jordan stance: One leg extended out with the ball in the hand of an outreached arm. Yeah, just like MJ. As I attempted to push off from the top step with my other foot, I looked down and thought that it might have been nice if one of my friends was holding this ladder. See, I didn’t really push off as much as I pushed away – the ladder that is. So instead of commencing my flight, I simply plummeted - right toward the “T-top”. I then began to rue the decision to attempt this maneuver in Jordan’s open legs style.

Lucky for the Cordoba, I was a mere 90 pounds. Lucky for me, I wouldn’t need to use my testicles for the next decade.

The crash also resulted in a laceration to my leg. Somehow there were no bloodstains. Apparently fine Corinthian leather is quite absorbent. Wonder if Ricardo Montalban knows that?

The new 3-point line was, however, created by men even more stupid than me. They actually implemented it without consent from women’s basketball. Why was that such a stupid mistake, you single guys ask? Because as every married guy would agree, you never ever make a major decision without consulting the woman of the house. “But that doesn’t make sense.” Ahh, and there you have the essence of woman – senselessness. Men are stupid. Women are irrational. Put them together and what have you got? Two damn 3-point lines on the same basketball court.

This has caused great confusion. Especially to the geniuses calling the games on TV. “Abrams hits a 3 to tie it up!!! Wait, which line is it? We’re going to have to check with the replay – again.” Maybe it’s my superior intellect, but I’m actually capable of remembering that the line further away is the men’s.

To me the real problem is the agitation I feel when I see the two lines. Allow me to explain. When a football fan goes to watch a game and sees the field covered with lines from the previous night’s soccer match, he experiences a near uncontrollable urge to go on a soccer ball puncturing rampage. That’s exactly what happens to college basketball fans when they are unnecessarily annoyed by the high definition vision of a women’s 3-point line on a TV purchased solely to watch men’s hoop.

Yes ladies, it really all goes back to the whole “men are stupid” thing. Here are a few suggestions as to how to fix this situation.

1.Move The Women’s 3-Point line to the New Men’s Line. Listen women. I know you want your own game. But you have your own shot clock, your own ball and now your own 3-point line. How many changes can be made to a game and you’re still able to call it the same game? I don’t claim my two-year old is playing chess when she chews on a rook and shoves a pawn up her nose.

2.Convince The Men To Go Back To The Old 3-Point Line. Since we’re dealing with walking hormones like Larry Eustachy, Jim Boeheim and Rick Majerus, I’d say this could be accomplished by taping your feminine wiles. But I kind of get the feeling that flirting with men is not the forte of women hoopsters.

So I suggest you just allege a Title IX violation. How could anyone be convinced that having different 3-point lines is unfair to women? I’d say use the same tactic you used to convince people that giving more athletic scholarships to men is unfair. That was truly an impressive piece of persuasion. In comparison, this can’t be any harder than, say, convincing a guy to look at porn.

3.Use Removable Tape for The Women’s 3-point Line. And then, most importantly, take it off. Yeah I realize it might not look good, but does that really matter ‘cause, well, to be brutally honest – nobody’s watching anyway. I mean, come on, the only people tuning into women’s basketball are relatives of players, friends of players, and a bunch of drunken guys trying to figure out why Tyler Hansbrough has boobs.

Whatever solution you come up with ladies, the point to remember is that women’s basketball, like soccer, is something that men almost never think about. But when we do, we find it wholly annoying. Your goal, therefore, is to keep us from thinking – not too hard of a task because, as I’ve mentioned, we are the stupid gender.

Take it easy,
Dave

(New rankings to be posted on Christmas Day. If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week please email by Christmas Eve at DaveBarend@yahoo.com.)

Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 2)

2008-12-18T05:46:00.000-08:00

Below is my second round of weekly rankings and irrelevant comments as well as the most overrated and underrated teams of the week.

Rankings
1.North Carolina (9-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment:
Tyler Hansbrough is considered to be the hardest working player in college hoops. Similarly, I just got an email saying that I’m the hardest working blogger in college hoops. Oh wait, I’m a bit off on that. The email said that my blogs are the “hardest to find the time to read.” Thanks Mom.

2.Oklahoma (10-0)
Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson & Utah

My Irrelevant Comment:
Are you like me in that whenever your see the word Oklahoma, the Broadway show tune starts running through your head? And are you also like me in that you really don’t know the lyrics to Oklahoma. And the only thing running through your head is “Ok-lahoma” over and over and over? Then you, like me, have problems.

3.Pitt (11-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech, Washington St., & Belmont

My Irrelevant Comment: There’s a guard on Pitt named Brad Wannamaker. Yikes. Had to be a tough childhood. You got to know he was picked on with a name like Brad.

4.Xavier (9-0)
Best Wins: Memphis, Virginia Tech & at Cincinnati

My Irrelevant Comment: There’s a push to change the nickname to the X-men. No doubt that you can’t get more boring than their current moniker – the musketeers. But do they really want their target market to be the folks who frequent comic book conventions? If it means that the stands will be filled with people dressed like Halle Berry’s Storm character then I think so.

5.UConn (8-0)
Best Wins: Miami and at Wisconsin

My Irrelevant Comment: I’m hoping that UConn someday signs a kid named Cornelius. Then they can call him UConn Cornelius. Then if he knocks over some huge guy during a game he’d yell, “A humble bumble.” I dare to dream. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you clearly do not have a 6-year old who has forced you to watch Rudolph 10 times this week.)

6. Texas (8-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova
Worst loss: Notre Dame
My Irrelevant Comment: Texas almost lost to Texas State. I really thought Texas State was the name of the fictional school in Necessary Roughness – the movie that launched Kathy Ireland’s movie career. Necessary Roughness was also the movie that ended Kathy Ireland’s movie career.

7.Duke (8-1)
Best Wins: S.Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue
Worst Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment: Did you know that Duke used to be called Trinity? Someone must have noticed the contradiction with the Trinity Blue Devils.

8.Gonzaga (7-1)
Best Wins: Maryland and Tennessee
Worst Loss: at Arizona

My Irrelevant Comment: I root against Gonzaga. You say, “What? Everyone loves Gonzaga.” What better reason to root against them?

9.Wake Forest (9-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP

My Irrelevant Comment: Wake Forest makes me think of those trees in the Forest in the Wizard of Oz. You know , the ones who grabbed Tin Man and then Dorothy screamed “You let him go” and then . . . Dear Lord, somebody please stop me. I’ve now referenced a Broadway show tune and the Wizard of Oz. Excuse me while I go watch a few Die Hard flicks and try to reconfirm my masculinity.

10.Gerogetown (7-1)
Best Wins: Maryland & Memphis
Worst loss - Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment: Though their nickname is the Hoyas, Georgetown has used bulldogs as its mascot. Given that the school is located in DC, a city filled with politicians, the “bull” part makes sense. For complete accuracy they should change the “dogs” to another four-letter word.

MOST OVERRATED

Syracuse
On Monday they were 9-0 and ranked #11 by the Coaches. I was all set to write a mea culpa for my prior posts that slightly bashed Boeheim – then they lose at home to the mighty Vikings of Cleveland State. Thanks Jimbo, for re-establishing my faith in your inabilities.
Other Opinions

Pat Hurley: Duke
The most overrated team is Duke (#6 in both polls) because they lost to Michigan, who lost to Maryland, who lost to Georgetown, who lost to Tennessee, who lost to Temple, who lost to St. Bonaventure (on January16, 2002).

Kenneth Robbins: Tennessee
Tennessee clearly not as good as their ranking

Harold Barend: Tennessee is overated. No synergism. I see a lot of good athletes who can run like hell .

MOST UNDERRATED

Stanford
They are 6-0 and yet not one vote from the Coaches or AP. They have wins over, well, a half dozen nobodies. But Louisville (#9 in the both polls) has six wins over a bunch of nobodies and a loss at home to the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers. I guess Johnny Dawkins, the new coach of the Cardinal, did not bring the East Coast bias or the media’s love of Duke with him to California.

Honorable Mention:

St. Bonaventure
That’s right I’m giving a plug to my beloved Bonnies who beat Maryland this week. No not the Terrapins, the Hawks of Maryland-Eastern Shore. You got to wonder whether the “Eastern” part of that name is really necessary. I’m pretty sure there is no shore to the west of Maryland.

Other Opinions

Pat Hurley: Clemson
Clemson (#25 in AP and Coaches' Polls) is the most underrated team because (1) they're 10-0; (2) their CBSSports.com RPI ranking is #1; (3) they have road wins at Temple and Illinois; and (4) they have crushed the foot soldiers of the Lord on no fewer than three occasions, conquering the TCU Horned Frogs, the Presbyterian Blue Hose(?!?), and
the Liberty Flames. Bring on Yeshiva, biatch!

Kenneth Robbins: Syracuse
How about the 'Cuse! C'mon now they are much better than their ranking. Where are the votes for the Orange?!? [Uh, Ken, they lost to Cleveland State.]

Keith Mangas: Unknown
My only non-St. Bonaventure source of college hoop knowledge is from this site. It is, therefore, Dave’s fault that I have nothing to add this week.

Mark Hoover: Alaska-Anchorage
It’s gotta be the Seawolves of University of Alaska-Anchorage. They have been playing some pretty tough hockey recently, including a win at Colorado. Killer travel, but good frequent flyer miles. [I’m thinking that Mark missed the “hoop” part of DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com]

Harold Barend: Cleveland State & Buffalo
Cleveland State and the University of Buffalo are no longer easy pickings. Their coaches have been scouting the places where few coaches dare to go and they found a few hot tickets. Ask Coach "B" at Syracuse if he thinks Cleveland State is a cupcake. [Full disclosure – Harold Barend, aka my dad, played for the Univ of Buffalo back in the day. Way back in the day.]

Take it easy,
Dave

(If you want to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just email me by Wednesday and it’ll be posted on Thursday.)

Rant#5 Death To Foul Shots

2008-12-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

I hate foul shots and I am advocating for their removal. There is, however, a bit of irony to my anti-foul shot stance. Two of my non-miserable childhood memories involve foul shots.

The first was when my dad/coach was getting on my junior high team for not being able to, in his words, “make a single damn foul shot.” One of my teammates said, “Let’s see you make one, Coach.” Got to say I was prepping to be embarrassed. But Pops steps to the line and sinks 19 in a row – with his eyes closed. That simultaneously impressed the whole squad and sapped our last bit of self-esteem. When an old man drains ‘em without looking and your Rick Berry attempts don’t even hit the rim, that’s depressing.

Then there’s the big shots I made on my JV CYO team. JV CYO? Yes, there actually was a JV CYO team. I played for Our Lady Of Sorrows Church. A perfect name for our 2-12 team. I remember clearly because it’s where my basketball career pinnacled.

It’s the last game of the year and I’m in only because everyone on the bench has fouled out – including the kid with mono. I get fouled with no time left and go to the line for 2. The first shot rattles in and the cheerleaders go nuts. Cheerleaders? Yes, we really had cheerleaders for the JV CYO team. They start chanting “Dave, Dave, He’s our man. If he can’t do it no one can.” I swear I actually thought to myself “Wow. Am I really their man?” Pathetic, but true. It’s amazing that I made the second one. Then I got mobbed.

I should probably reveal that we lost by 15. Hey, it would have been 17 had it not been for my heroics. The question you might be asking is, “Why the jubilation for 2 meaningless free throws?” Well, I was kind of the team’s Rudy. Actually, I was more like that autistic kid from Rochester whose coach let him play in the last game and he drained six threes in 2.5 minutes. Just like him except he was playing varsity high school and I was playing JV CYO. And he hit 3 pointers and I sunk a couple free throws. And he was autistic and I was, well, just awful.

Despite my moment in the thin ray of sun, I still hate foul shots. First, it’s a part of the game that isn’t part of the game. Huh? Well, there’s no defense. (A fact that proved completely unhelpful to last year’s Memphis team.) At no point in the actual game of basketball does one guy get to shoot while everyone else stands motionless as if they were touched by Mr. Snow Miser – 'cause everything he’d touch would freeze in his clutch. (Too much?)

This weekend I was watching a game and my little girl asks, “Why is everyone playing freeze dance?” I say, “It’s a foul shot; what the hell is freeze dance?” My wife hits me and says, “Think before you speak.” My daughter then adds, “Yeah Dad, everyone knows freeze dance is when you freeze when the music stops. What the hell is a foul shot?” So because of foul shots my 6 year old now knows how to swear. And I got hit – twice.

The foul shot also reminds me of a strategy that my dad used to use when we’d play in the driveway. It was called: “I’ll give you that shot.” Instead of continuing to play defense, he’d back off and let me have an uncontested shot from wherever I was standing. At first I thought that was nice. Then it dawned on me that, “I’ll give you that shot” really means: “I know you stink. In fact you stink so bad that I don’t even need to guard you.”

Now, I’ll concede that late game foul shots are definitely dramatic. However, even a mundane act like flipping a coin can be dramatic given the right circumstances. When my wife announces: “Heads – oh all right, if you make it quick. Tails – I have a headache” that’s definitely dramatic. Especially since the next flip isn’t coming for another month. But it’s the build up (eh hem) that makes it exciting. The act itself is, like a foul shot, pretty boring. (Just to be clear by “act” I’m referring to the coin flip.)

So I’ve come up with options for the NCAA to consider as much more exciting and less time consuming replacements for the foul shot.

Option #1: Instead of foul shots, roll out one of those Pop-A-Shot arcade games with the mini basketballs. I’d prefer one that plays “Rock N Roll Part II” by Gary Glitter, but “H-E-Y!!” that’s not imperative. What’s important is that teams trailing will think twice before intentionally fouling - and watching their 2 point deficit balloon to 25 in a half a minute.

Option 2: I don’t know where I came up with this idea, but maybe instead foul shots, just have the player who commits the fouls leave the game for a period of time. He could be forced to sit in some designated area. Hey, I’m just spit balling here. Then the other team would be playing 5 against 4 and name it something like a “power play”. Call me crazy, but I envision some excitement.

Would never work you say? Too much of an advantage? Okay, so instead of having to play a man down, the team that fouls can pull a guy off the bench. And I suggest it be the guy in the mascot costume. Admit it, the entertainment value of seeing a 7 footer clank two free throws will pale in comparison to seeing that ridiculous Syracuse Orange cruise up and down the court for 30 seconds. Or imagine trying to get the St. Joe’s Hawk, with his perpetually flapping wings, to catch a pass. Better yet, imagine the Western Kentucky Hilltopper - that blue amorphous gum drop looking thing with no arms - trying to dribble.

Or forget the mascots. If there’s a foul, the replacement should come from the group of people sitting on the baseline. No, not the photographers. I’m talking about the cheerleaders. Yes, I’m all for increasing cheerleader participation. I think it harkens back to my JV CYO experience. Glory days.

Take it easy,
Dave

(Next set of "Rankings & Irrelevant Comments" coming Thursday. If you want to contribute with your choice for the most overrated or underrated team of the week just email me at DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Wednesday night.)

Rankings and Irrelevant Comments (Take 1)

2008-12-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

Here’s my first crack at ranking the Top 10 teams with a listing of the best wins, worst losses and my irrelevant comments. There’s also some overrated and underrated teams listed below.

TOP 10
1.North Carolina (8-0)
Best wins: Michigan State and Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment:
Note to my dad: the player’s name is Hansbrough. The toy company’s name is Hasbro.

2.Oklahoma (8-0)
Best Wins: Purdue and Davidson

My Irrelevant Comment:
Oklahoma could pull off the seemingly impossible by winning the football championship and the basketball championship. A feat that hasn’t been accomplished in wow it’s got to be – 2 years.

3.Gonzaga (6-0)
Best Wins: Maryland and Tennessee

My Irrelevant Comment:
If Coach Mark Few is ever incapacitated, the Zags could always use Fish from Ally McBeal a double. He’s a dead ringer. Yes, I realize that I have both dated myself and implicated my masculinity by admitting that I’ve watched Ally McBeal.

4.Xavier (7-0)
Best Wins: Memphis and Virginia Tech

My Irrelevant Comment: It’s pronounced “Zavier” not “Ex-avier.” Other hoop blogs give you insightful stats. Here you get enunciation tips. Sad but true.

5.Pitt (9-0)
Best wins: Texas Tech & Belmont

My Irrelevant Comment: How can Texas Tech and Belmont qualify as ”best wins”? When the other wins were against powerhouses such as Akron and IUPUI, that’s how.

6.UConn
Best Wins: Miami and at Wisconsin

My Irrelevant Comment: The AP and Coaches Polls both have the Huskies #2. Come on. They almost lost to Buffalo. Bet you didn’t even know Buffalo had a team. They’re the Buffalo Bulls - mimicing the alliteration of that other stellar team from the same city, the Buffalo Bills.

7. Wake Forest (8-0)
Best Wins; Baylor and UTEP

My Irrelevant Comment: You got to believe the folks at Wake Forest are happy that they chose Demon Deacons as the nickname way back when. Their other option was the Predatory Priests.

8.Texas (7-1)
Best Wins: UCLA, Oregon, & Villanova
Worst loss: Notre Dame

My Irrelevant Comment: The Texas band, with their frilly fringe filled cowboy shirts and wussy white hats, just might have been the inspiration for Brokeback Mountain.

9.Duke (8-1)
Best Wins: Southern Illinois, Michigan, & Purdue
Worst Loss: Michigan

My Irrelevant Comment: I used to hate Duke. Then everybody started hating Duke. Torn between my desire to hate and my desire for originality I went with originality. So now I don’t hate Duke. But I’m worried that everyone will soon hate Notre Dame.

10.Tennessee (6-1)
Best Win: Georgetown
Worst Loss: Gonzaga

My Irrelevant Comment: Coach Bruce Pearl is in relatively decent shape, has a full head of hair and is always happy. Thank God he sweats like a pig otherwise you wouldn’t know he’s a coach.

MOST OVERRATED TEAM

UCLA- Yes, this is the same team that I picked to win it all. They are currently ranked #14 by the Coaches and that’s really too high for a team that has lost to Texas and Michigan. I picked them based on potential. Sadly, potential is a euphemism. It’s just a nice way of saying you ain’t as good as you should be.

Other Opinions
Pat Hurley: Notre Dame: “because (1) they suck ass and always will, and (2) they scheduled an opponent called ‘South Carolina Upstate.’"

Ken Robbins: Not Davidson: “Well I was going to say that Davidson is over-rated but clearly that kid can shoot the round ball all damn day......WVU just couldn't cover the lil'guy!”

MOST UNDERRATED TEAM

Cincinnati (6-1). This team has wins over UAB and UNLV and a tough loss to a decent Florida State squad yet they didn’t get one vote from the AP or the Coaches. Their 7’2” frosh, Johnny Riek goes by Dr. Fever. Oh, all right, no he doesn’t. But how could I mention Cincinnati without a WKRP reference?

Other opinions
Pat Hurley: North Carolina: “UNC is most underrated because, even though they're #1 in both polls unanimously, the votes weren't as enthusiastic as they should have been.”

Ken Robbins: George Mason: “George Mason is # 1 in the Colonial Athletic division with a big game coming up vs. Tulane.” [Ken is a Mason grad who was in a museum in Chicago when his alma mater beat UConn to get to the Final 4.]

Keith Mangas: St. Bonaventure: “Clearly, my Brown and White should get some type of mention. Andrew Nicholson, true frosh, already a 3 x A-10 rookie of the week.”

Mark Hoover: One word – wolverines [Unclear whether Mark is referring to Michigan or quoting the cult classic Red Dawn.]

Thanks for the input guys. If by chance anyone else wants to submit an overrated or underrated team of the week just send an email to DaveBarend@yahoo.com by Tuesday night and it’ll be up on Wednesday.

Take it easy,
Dave

Rant #4: In Defense Of Sideline Reporters

2008-12-07T16:04:00.000-08:00

The consensus on female sideline reporters is that they don’t say much and what they do say is stupid. I agree. Listening to sideline reporters is a waste. But it’s well worth the effort to watch them.

Say you’ve rented, well, we’ll just call it a “movie”. First scene has five gorgeous women pool-side. They suddenly become enthralled with the pizza boy. If your reaction is to ask “Why?” you’re missing the point of the “movie.” The same is true with watching a sideline reporter.

Her entertainment value, however, goes well beyond the “soft porn” effect. I mean you have to love it when the camera shows her running to the locker room. With the “click clack, click clack” of 3 inch pumps, she clearly deserves an endorsement from Under Armour. Though if I’m going to see Erin Andrews in a commercial the item I’d like her to model is definitely not shoes.

I also get a kick out of the mid-game interview with a player’s dad. Every time the sideline reporter asks, “How do you think your son’s doing tonight?” And every time I’m just hoping to hear, “Well Erin, I really couldn’t tell you ‘cause the last 5 minutes I’ve been staring at your boobs.”

But the best part of the sideline reporter experience is the attempted interview with the coach whose team is behind by 30 at the half. The composure this coach is forced to display is Gandhi-like. He must try to answer the interviewer’s asinine questions while somehow keeping himself from checking out her ass.

Thinking back to stressful events in my life I’m pretty sure that a question posed by a sideline reporter at the half-way point would probably have caused me, and some other people, to go over the edge. Here are a few actual scenarios with the person being interviewed and the corresponding question:

Scenario #1. Me during my first driving test.
Question: Do you really think it will be necessary to continue with the second half of this test?

Scenario #2 My mother-in-law at my wedding.
Question: 30 minutes to go. Any chance you’ll look at the groom without shaking your head?

Scenario #3 Me during the bar exam.
Question: On day one you literally lost clumps of hair and your nose bled uncontrollably. Any chance for spontaneous combustion on day 2?

Scenario#4 My wife during the birth of our first child.
Question: Do you think your husband will be back from the bathroom before the delivery?

Scenario #5. Me on my 40th birthday.
Question: Do you realize that you are likely only half-way to the sweet release of death?

Occasionally a sideline reporter will actually pose a seemingly intelligent question like “Should you stay with the 2-3 or go with a box and 1?” These questions must make the coach want to remove the reporter’s ear-piece and say, “Now ask me something without the help of the dorks in the studio.”

Maybe the network execs thought that the coaches would actually enjoy dealing with stone cold babes. I’m sure they did at first. But after a while Bonnie Bernstein simply serves as a depressing reminder to the coach - the woman he’s forced to share his bed with is a comparative wildebeest.

Next time Ms. Bernstein is thrusting at some coach, try to look through the haze of smoke coming from his nose and inside a faint thought bubble you’ll see: “I cannot believe this person and my wife are both able to call themselves women. This girl’s rear end is so small I could palm it. My wife looks like she has a beanbag chair attached to her legs. I got to pull a Boeheim and get me a hotty.”

I think I’ve found a way to actually better the sideline reporter’s interview with the coach – use more than one sideline reporter. I mean a lot more. Like 15-20 more. Imagine all of these women rushing a coach at the half armed with aneurysm causing questions like, “What high school do you think you’ll be coaching at next year?”

I also picture Helen Thomas showing up shouting, “And I have a follow up question.” Yeah, I realize that Helen Thomas might actually stand out a bit and not just because she’ll be clad in her signature red. But that’s not the big problem. The big problem is I’m not sure if Helen Thomas is still alive.

Here’s an even better idea. Instead of hiring sideline reporters, just use the aspiring trophy wives who are already on the sideline. That’s right – make the cheerleaders the sideline reporters. At the half they could accost the opposing coach en masse with their own version of U.G.LY by Daphne & Celeste. It’s pretty sad that I actually know who sings that song. I also know it’s on the Bring it On Soundtrack. I’m pathetic.

Ugly-(improved by lyricist Dave Barend)

U-G-L-Y
You ain’t got no alibi you ugly
Eh! Hey! You Ugly.

You look at your feet instead of callin’ a play
Do you really think you’ll last another day?

You have no clue all you’re doing is screaming.
You’re soaked in sweat and your bald head’s gleaming

You’re senile, half-deaf and your life’s a mess
When the horn went off why’d you say God bless?

You’re short, fat and your tie’s askew
Danny DeVito could double for you

The give and go the pick and roll
Things generally mastered by a 9 year old

Ref says sit down and you show no spine
You split your pants running down the line

Your socks don’t match and there’s a pimple on your head.
Shouldn’t you be selling insurance instead?

You’re Ugly!

I've got to give a thanks to Keith Mangas for posting some complimentary comments about my blog on the St. Bona Bandwagon message board. A thanks also goes to James Healy and Sean Meskill who plugged the blog via James' massive St. Bona email chain. Go Bonnies!!

Take it easy,
Dave

Coming Wednesday: My first set of weekly rankings. Friday: Predictions for Saturday's games.